By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on the posts that I’ve written over the last couple of years. Recently I did a post on How to speed date a sociopath. Whilst I make every effort to move on with my life after the psychopath, occasionally something will come up that causes me to think “Why do they do that?”
So the topic of this post is whether or not any of you have experienced the following:
In my book Dark Souls, I wrote about an occasion where my ex moved my cash card. A week later I found it hidden behind a bottle of sauce on the top of a very tall cupboard in the kitchen. At the time it went missing, I asked my ex if he may have picked it up by mistake, because he used the same. He commented that I was forgetful, and asked me whether I’d left it in the freezer.
This was a very strange comment. Later, I found a book written by a psychopath about how to manipulate people, putting the victim off guard so they question their own sanity. One of the suggestion was to ask victims if they left something that went missing in a freezer!
Being a complete idiot at the time, I looked in there, just to check I wasn’t losing the plot or going mad.
More items not returned
I also lent my ex some books and a heart-shaped crystal. At the time he was leaving his wife. He promised to keep it safe. When I asked for it to be returned, I got the excuse that he had let his children play with it, and one of his small children managed to drop it out of a two-story building and broke it. The story was preposterous—why would he let his kids play with something he didn’t want his wife to see?
I was also in a relationship with a man call Dan. I was doing acupuncture, and he as asked me if he could borrow my acupuncture books and also a book on Taoism. He also borrowed a cassette of a local radio interview I’d done when I was 19 about backpacking in India. When the relationship ended, I asked Dan to send me back the books and the interview cassette. He still has them to this day, and refused to give a reason for keeping them. Looking back, I think it was his way of keeping a little trophy of me.
Happening again
I was prompted to write this is because straight after I ended the speed date, I noticed something strange. Every day I wear a necklace, which I made myself out of resin and crystals. You could call it my “security blanket,” because I always feel happy when I am wearing it. When I bathe or shower I take it off and leave it in the bathroom as the string is made of leather. Lurch commented on the jewelry I make as he saw the resin and paraphernalia on the worktops in my kitchen.
A day or so after getting my head of the washing machine with all the mind games he played, I suddenly realised I wasn’t wearing the necklace. I searched the flat everywhere but couldn’t find it. I soon realised that a photograph of me was missing as well. It was an old photograph of me when I was about 16, dressed in fancy dress and looking reasonably young, fit and attractive. My son had seen it a few days before and commented on how young I looked. The photograph had been next to the computer, but was gone.
I like to think of myself as a rational person and don’t jump to conclusions before pointing the finger. In fact, I searched multiple times only to find nothing. Whilst I cannot prove that anyone took it, these were not items of value like money. But they had a lot of sentimental value, much like the cassette and the specialist acupuncture books, which, incidentally are irreplaceable.
Trophies
I’ve read before that the psychopath likes to closet their victims, and I’ve heard stories about serial killers keeping “bits” of them as trophies. Whilst we expect the sociopath to steal our hearts, money and valuable possessions, the difference is that all these items are irreplaceable. Which begs the question that they will intentionally go out of their way to take such things, because they know how upset we will be.
I am still searching for these items, just in case I haven’t lost my marbles. Whilst it’s easy to let them go because they have no real value, the whole experience points to the potentially sick and twisted nature of their personalities and has “creeped” me out. Even with such a good understanding of psychopaths/ sociopaths, it’s still beyond all my capacity to understand what motivates someone to do something like this.
It’s for this reason that I shared this experience. I wonder if anyone else had experience the same kind of “creepy” behaviour.
For me, my sense of spirituality comes from a “sense” that God is right here, with me all the time. I’ve always felt it. Whether I’m being bad or good, I can sense Him there. And then, unexpected things happen which seem to be miracles and for me, that validates my faith.
So I thought about my exspath’s letter to God and it made me wonder how or why he believed in God, since spath is so evil. I think that, if he were to feel God’s love, he couldn’t possibly do so much evil.
I also think to my spath sister, who was raised the same as I and believes the same way but said to me, “Skylar, it’s okay to be evil.” 😯 Then she proceeded to be evil.
And I think about my spath brother who was raised the same and rejects it. He hates Jesus but has looked for religious experience in the teachings of the Hare Krishna’s, L. Ron Hubbard, Carlos Castenada, a long line of Eastern Gurus and porn.
My spath brother, when he was about 13, once told me he sensed demons were always near him.
My spath sister has had mild dissassociative states, which may be petite mal seizures, in which she hears a tiny voice repeating “beelzebub”
I’ve read of other spaths who “sense” the presence of evil all around them. (I don’t have to “sense” evil, now I can clearly SEE it, in the red flags!)
For anyone who thinks I was going to reveal some great insight, sorry, I was just rambling. I seriously can’t figure it out. What is the connection? What’s missing? How does someone who believes in God allow envy and narcissism to take over?
I struggle with the fact that these disorders are not treatable. The abusers don’t want redemption in any meaningful way. Where is God in their creation if it’s biological? Mine goes to church, I visited churches with him. He made the sign of the cross on me with the water, he was raised catholic. But it’s just show, theatre. Another mask. But it’s very hard to accept he has psychopathic traits when I’ve seen him on his knees in a church. Was he praying? I am very very disturbed by the memories of being in church with him knowing what he did afterwards to me.
Tea light, yep KEEP ROWING.
Sometimes we feel like we are swimming for our lives in a raging stream and we see what looks like a floating log and we grab for it, and it turns out to be an alligator (psychopath) but we must just keep on keeping on.
We work hard to stay on the path toward healing but there are many rocks, and holes we can fall iin, but we keep on trudging…
Many people seem to have the idea that one MAGIC DAY they will ARRIVE at “HEALING” and all will be well, but that is a FANTASY. Healing is a JOURNEY not a destination, and like all journeys sometimes we get lost, or we back track or we take a wrong turn in the path and have to back track to get on the right part of the path.
At times the road is smooth and level and we feel like things are great, but then it takes a turn into rough, up hill areas that test our strength.
Our faith in whatever spiritual path we believe in is important in helping us get where we need to be on the journey toward healing. My turning point was when I reached my lowest ebb I found the book “Man’s Searchh for Meaniing” by Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was a psychiatrist who wrote it after spending 3-4 years in a Nazi prison camp during which time he lost EVERYTHING of value to him, wife, family, friends, home, etc. and he looked at how different people he was in there with reacted to the same losses–how some just turned their faces to the walls, gave up and died, and others became bitter and hate filled, and still others healed and went on to live good lives, happy lives. WHAT made the difference in how each reacted?
Well, that book had such meaning to me, and though he was long dead when I read it, it gave me hope that I could find MEANING in what I had suffered, and put the bitterness behind me, and find peace, and contentment, happiness even in spite of all that had happened to me.
That book and LoveFraud helped me climb out of the abyss of my pain, and realize that pain is like Dr. Frankl said, acts like a gas, fills the container totally, whether it is a little gas (pain) or a lot of gas (pain) a person ‘s pain is TOTAL. Your pain and my pain are equal, they are both total pain.
I also realized that I did not have to accept my egg donor’s ideas about my spirituality, I could have my own, and I do. That made a big difference in my life as well. A BIG difference.
As time has passed and I have worked hard on my own healing, learning new things every day here at LF and in the books I read, I still fall off the road once in a while and hit the bottom of that great abyss, but I keep climbing back out and working on my healing and try to be caring of myself, trying to be good to myself and accept myself, mistakes and all. I don’t have to be perfect to be okay.
Thank you so much Oxy I’d love to read the book I am wishlisting it. I read The Mortaged Heart by Bruno Bettelheim some years ago, another survivor of the nazi death camps and a psychologist and I remember he writes of how the political prisoners who understood the ideology of fascism were very resilient, they were able to make sense of the horror better than some who just could not make any sense of why they were being treated as they were. I also always admired Gita Sereny who wrote biographies of nazis like Speer and psychopathic killers. She tried very hard to understand them as fellow humans. Very brave woman. As are you, wonderful Oxy! x
OxD, I appreciate your response to the question and issue of spirituality, and spath entanglements REALLLLLY cause someone in recovery to re-examine their core beliefs, and that includes religious/spiritual beliefs.
Fixerupper, I was raised Episcopal and attended Catholic school, so I understand what you’re experiencing with regard to “hope” about the spath girlfriend. Part of the issues with recovery is trying to fit the actions of another person within our own core-beliefs: all people deserve the benefit of the doubt; all people are deserving of forgiveness; accepting Jesus wipes out all sin; we are “born” sinners; and so forth.
I’ve learned that “all people” do NOT deserve the benefit of the doubt. If they consistently lie, cheat, steal, belittle, betray, or abuse, then there is NO doubt that they are “bad” people and, at the very least, TOXIC. “All” people are NOT “deserving” of forgiveness – their crimes or sins against humanity are so reprehensible that any “forgiveness” is for the strict benefit of the victim(s), and not intended to give the person who harmed the idea that they can do whatever they want and simply be forgiven. And, so forth…..
This has been a very, very difficult truth for me to accept and process, and “hope” can be as false as the masks that spaths wear. My “hopes” are now pinned on ME getting MYSELF sorted out to recover and educate others about toxic people.
I’m accepting of a number of spiritual practices, and many of the “pagan” practices had something going with sweat lodges, cleansing rituals, and other benign approaches.
Brightest blessings
Hi, skylar!
You wrote:
“My spath brother, when he was about 13, once told me he sensed demons were always near him.
My spath sister has had mild dissassociative states, which may be petite mal seizures, in which she hears a tiny voice repeating “beelzebub”
I’ve read of other spaths who “sense” the presence of evil all around them. (I don’t have to “sense” evil, now I can clearly SEE it, in the red flags!)
….
How does someone who believes in God allow envy and narcissism to take over?”
My ex-gf would ‘zone out’ and lose track of time altogether. She also claimed to hear and sense the presence of dark, evil figures in her bedroom whispering in her ear and, experienced strong memories of being physically abused. (Hearing these things early in our relationship shook me up and had an impact on me.)
I really wanted to help her to figure it out. Manytimes I asked her to pray with me – to do SOMETHING. I even suggested hanging a talisman from the ‘old country’ in her bedroom or pointing the head of her bed towards the north- anything- that might work for her. But she would not allow it. Must’ve been in some kind of state of denial.
Remember- according to her I was the one that needed ‘counselling.’
And, for a person that claimed she was hypersensitive she had zero regard for what she was doing to me – especially through the reducing and discard process – as well as the extended starvation and extended slow death of the ‘relationship.’ She claimed to be ‘spiritual’ and enthusiastic about Wayne Dyer’s work but also obviously abandoned her own religious beliefs and held other religions in contempt – especially Catholics. She accused me of being one of those people that dsicriminated against people of her religion. I wrote to her at length and talked to her several times about this- trying to assure her that I had no predjudices against her. I pointed out that there were members of my family that belonged to ‘her’ church (Christian Scientists), and that were my ‘favorite’ Aunt and Uncle.
In the end she just seemed rudderless and amoral. Money seemed to be the main thing on her mind. My mind and soul were on spin cycle.
OxDrover – you seem filled with ‘The Spirit.’ I hope that it sustains you. Remember Psalm 23.
Thank you guys, I am no “spiritual guru” by any means but I do believe in a personal relationship with God and Jesus…I also believe that there are people who turn their backs on God to the point that they have a “reprobate mind” to the point that even God can’t get through to them…Judas was one such person I think, and King Saul became that way, and many others mentioned in thhe Bible, that were I think Psychopaths. While I believe that there are genetic components to psychopathy, just as there are genetic components to alcoholism, just as no one FORCES the alcoholic to give in to those genes for alcoholism by forcing booze down their throats I don’t think the psychopath is FORCED to do evil, or that s/he is forced to hurt others, I think just as the alcoholic begins to ENJOY the booze, the psychopath begins to ENJOY the pain of others and they make a CHOICE.
The connectedness that we humans have with other humans, in whatever capacity or spiritual aspect is what keeps us from all making the same self serving choices that psychopaths make. That SPIRIT of kindness, caring, etc. that we have–whatever your religion or beliefs, lack of same, that spiritual connectedness makes us truly HUMAN.
Of course people who hold themselves up as gurus, or tell others that they have the exclusive phone line to God himself and the only way you can get to Him is through them…well, I no longer listen to them. I figure I can read the Bible and other books and make my own decisions about my own spirituality and funny thing, I feel much much better about that now than trying to let my egg donor or anyone else tell me what I should or should not believe. I don’t believe that every person who doesn’t believe just like I do is going to Hell and I don’t believe I have to be perfect and never make a mistake to please God or myself–goodness knows I was never able to please the egg donor. Never was perfect like her.
But I’m learning to stand up for what I think is right, and to admit when I am wrong. Learning to set boundaries for others and set boundaries for myself as well. Accepting life as a journey and a learning experience and believing that there is something on the other side of this life.
Thank you to all my fellow travelers here at LF, you’ve helped sustain me through more than one trial in this journey. (((hugs))) and God bless.
“Creepy Trophies”…very true and creepy indeed.
The X sociapath in my life kept a T-shirt with my blood stains on it that was his but he gave me to use when I got in a bike riding accident with him. I didn’t even know at the time but found it neatly packed in a zip lock bag by accident in his closet. He said the shirt with my DNA sample belonged to him……very creepy!
Another strange thing he kept was oil paintings I did that were done at his house with his supplies. Although the artwork was mine and I felt he was not entittled to my intellectual creative property, he said they were his.
I’ve been 2.5 years free of him, and allthough he has a new GF=”victim”…he continues to pop up again in my life under different circumstances with different excuses to try to suck me in again. I asked him once if he still had those items and he said yes! that they were his property and he will never get rid of them………..CREEPY INDEED!!!
fixerupper,
you also said your exspath felt overly affected by strong emotions in others. She almost sounds like she’s got something on the autism spectrum AS WELL AS the PD’s.
My spath sister didn’t start to go into her “seizures” until after a severe head injury where she lost consciousness and also her memory. For about a month she had amnesia and when she came out of it, she would have these little episodes where she lost track of time, just like your exspath. She was told by neurologists that they were “petit mal epileptic seizures”. I have read that the electrical activity in the spath is different from normal humans and that they are prone to things like seizures, heart arrhythmias and other neurological problems.
All of this, though, is just speculation and really doesn’t address the problems of how we survive a world full of these freaks.
oh, except I just had an idea… involving electricity…
Aeylah,
that’s an interesting pattern: he lends you stuff, you “put your mark on it” and he keeps it for himself.
It sounds like it was planned. Did he crash into you on the bike?
They want anything we value because they are trying to usurp our values for themselves, they have none of their own. They want to be us. The DNA though, that is going a bit far. yeah, creepy.