UPDATED FOR 2020
Most Lovefraud readers are here because you were, or are, romantically involved with someone who has a serious personality disorder. Usually romance leads to sex, although you may have noticed that sex with a an antisocial or psychopath isn’t particularly romantic.
The sex may be exciting, erotic and adventurous. But if you’re looking for a true connection, the “sacred conjunction,” you’re not going to find it with an antisocial or psychopath, and here’s why:
Power, control and sex
According to Dr. Liane Leedom, people who have antisocial or psychopathic personality disorder want three things in life: Power, control and sex. Often, sex is simply an extension of their desire for power and control.
The most egregious cases of sex-as-power, of course, are sexual assault and rape. But there are other examples that aren’t as violent or obvious.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, liked to have sex after we argued. I later figured out that Montgomery, with his superior debating skills, usually won the arguments, and I lost. This meant that he dominated the discussion, and therefore, me, which was sexually exciting to him.
So it wasn’t make-up sex. He was adding physical domination to the verbal and psychological domination of winning the argument.
Excess testosterone
All antisocials and psychopaths, both male and female, have very high levels of testosterone. This is the hormone that makes people compete for partners and then mate with them. So with high testosterone, they do a lot of competing and mating.
Being in a relationship doesn’t stop this. Almost all antisocials and psychopaths cheat.
High testosterone is also associated with aggression and criminality. When high testosterone and a high level of disorder combine with deviant desires, the end result can be a very dangerous individual — a violent sexual predator.
Need for excitement
Antisocials and psychopaths crave stimulation and excitement. Sex is about the most stimulating activity that a human being can experience, so they want it. A lot.
And what, exactly, do they want? Variety.
This means antisocials and psychopaths like sex in a lot of different ways, a lot of different places, and with a lot of different people.
While you are their object of desire, your encounters may seem highly erotic. But sooner or later, they get bored. Then, in search of more stimulation, the antisocial or psychopath may push you to participate in activities that you find uncomfortable.
If you decline, he or she will most likely look for new partners — especially partners who are willing to go along with his or her desires.
But even if you go along with your partner’s new demands, he or she will likely still look for new conquests. Antisocials and psychopaths see no need to remain faithful to one person.
Eventually, when all of their past activities become boring, they may pursue the taboo.
Sex as manipulation
Antisocials and psychopaths know that if they can hook you sexually, you are easier to manipulate.
Here at Lovefraud, we’ve written frequently about oxytocin, nature’s “love glue.” Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter that makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Oxytocin is released into your bloodstream and brain when you experience intimacy — especially sex.
So when you have sex with someone, because of the oxytocin, you bond with your partner. You become more trusting with that person, and therefore more malleable.
Oxytocin does not affect antisocials and psychopaths like the rest of us. They don’t bond — it’s speculated that they don’t have the necessary oxytocin receptors.
So what happens when you have sex with an antisocial or psychopath? You bond, and he or she doesn’t. You become more likely to comply with what your partner wants, whereas your partner just keeps pursuing his or her agenda.
Read more here:
Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths
Straight, gay or sex with anyone
Several times, I’ve appeared on the “Straight Wives — Gay Men” radio show, hosted by Bonnie Kaye (listen on the Lovefraud media appearances page).
Bonnie has heard from thousands of women who were shocked to discover that their husbands have been sexually involved with men. The women typically come to the conclusion that their husbands are secretly gay, and afraid to live their truth.
This is certainly true in some cases. But in many, many cases, the men were simply antisocials or psychopaths looking for variety in their sexual pursuits.
I’ve also spoken with gay men and women who realized their partners were disordered. Many of them observed that these partners weren’t authentically gay.
The bottom line is that many antisocials and psychopaths are neither straight nor gay — they will have sex with anyone.
For them, sex isn’t about attraction. Sex is just another manipulation technique to further their agenda.
Sociopaths and love
The core of the antisocial and psychopathic personality disorder is an inability to love. They cannot experience the human connection of love, the desire to take care of the person that they love.
So what do antisocials and psychopaths mean when they say, “I love you?”
Some know they are being manipulative, and are just mouthing the words to get what they want. But others equate sex with love. They think sex is love. They are essentially saying, “I want to have sex with you.”
Not out of control
Given a typical sociopath’s tremendous appetite for sex, and the desire for variety, you might come to the conclusion that sociopaths are out-of-control sex fiends.
Not necessarily.
Antisocials and psychopaths can subjugate their sexual desires in the service of a larger agenda. For example, they are quite capable of withholding sex from their partners in order to keep them off balance.
And some Lovefraud readers have reported that their disordered partners aren’t interested in sex. (I do have to wonder, though, if the sociopath is getting sex somewhere else.)
As I said at the beginning of this article, antisocials and psychopaths want power, control and sex. But they’re most interested in power and control.
Fotis Dulos, charged in wife’s murder, dead after suicide attempt
Jmmira, I’m so sorry to learn about even more devastation – to have your son turned against you is tragic and soul-destroying. I can totally understand why you say my suggestion is not that simple and I agree with you.
I know that people use kids in divorce but what is worse is a narcissist doing it as I guess she won’t have any boundaries. It sounds like she is really trying to destroy you and you have no support because, lets face it, many therapists and lawyers don’t seem to really know about personality disorders. My experience is when you mention these things a lot of people feel uncomfortable and think you are a bit strange to have such knowledge – they basically think you’re a bit nuts!
Do think about contacting one of the resources from this site for help. They will also have valuable contacts that can help you with the legal stuff – the difference is that Donna selected them because they have been victims themselves of sociopaths etc. They know what you are dealing with.
Another suggestion is asking Donna to post your story as an article and ask Love Fraud readers who have been in the same situation to give you some help. You may want to think about specific questions to ask them.
I’m new to this site myself and don’t know many of the posters yet to point you in someone’s direction, so maybe an article about you may get you the help you need from readers.
I really feel for you…you must feel so alone and no one understands what you have gone through and it never ends….a big hug, please consider getting the support from professionals on this website.
All the comments I read remind me of similar things I have done and am currently doing to women (outside of a relationship of course). The only reason I dont cheat in life is because I wear it as a badge of honor to get other women to think I’m the perfect man. But I’ve dumped women at the drop of a dime if they inconvenienced my life in any substantial way. (without a bit of remorse).
Its hard for me to stay erect or finish inside a women unless alot of sexual requirements are met (nipple licking, etc). I often have to masturbate daily. I actively seek women to engage with regularly. It’s not that I want to deliberately ruin their lives but it pleases me to form what I think is a connection. I’ve been known on many occasions to build a beautiful fantasy for women (that at the time I think I want myself), But eventually I get bored once I’ve had sex with them and I exit the relationship.
I know full and well that what I’m doing is “wrong” but I also feel like it’s not THAT bad if that makes any sense.
But right now I’m taking forever to finish with women in the bedroom and I want to know how real love and love making feels. I honestly want to see how it is to live for someone other than myself for once.
Tryingtochange – may I ask if you are diagnosed or consider yourself to be a sociopath?
When you say that it pleases you to form what you think is a connection, can you please elaborate further as into which kind of connection you look for? connection of love? or which type? So you say once you have had sex with them you exit the relationship because you get bored. So you don’t feel anything for those women? and do you hold several relationships at the same time?
I was involved with someone who obviously just wanted sex. We met 3 times and then one day he blocked me on whatsapp because I told him I won’t fly to meet beaters. He had threatened me with the possibility of beating me the next time I don’t understand something. So I guess I inconvenienced his life.
I’m self diagnosed (I was just never brought up to think getting professional help was ever an option). So, you can take my response with a grain of salt.
The connection is the fantasy of what I presume love is. Her enjoying everything about me and me enjoying everything about her. Her not nagging me and trusting me, etc. But these are all unrealistic because no where in that fantasy am I really breaking a sweat for her.
So the fantasy is what drives me to step my game up in the courtship process before sex. After the first sexual encounter or two I start cutting out all the walks in the park, dates and end up just chilling at her or my spot, doing things I ultimately enjoy, then having sex. (This isn’t necessarily planned out btw)
No I don’t necessarily care for the women as a person but I truly am appreciative of the convenience, sexiness, and chill attitude of women that allow me to be, apparently, selfish.
I am actively single but I pick and choose if I tell a girl I’m aggressively hooking up with other women or not. It all depends on if it will make things easier on me.
I technically have never cheated in the 2 relationships I’ve had in my adulthood. But like I said, I just keep that record up as a tool to court other women. The urge is there to cheat all the time so now I just break up with them if I feel the need to cheat. To be honest in my two relationships when that urge arose I would immediately engage in sex with them while thinking of the other girls. (the sex was very one sided) (I couldn’t care less if she was pleased or not)
“Beaters” ? He hit you ?
Tryingtochange – yes, I touched him with a packet of tissues on his forehead. He suddenly got really annoyed saying that he was very sensitive to noise (I didn’t know). He told me I was crazy and that no one would like that. He said I have no empathy, etc and I tried to rationalize things with him as I didn’t understand a thing. Then he said that next time in order for me to understand he would have to beat me.
You said something interesting – that you decide if you tell other women whether you are hooking up with other women or not depending on whether it will make things easier for you. Thing is I always went crazy because the guy I was involved with would always tell me about all the women he was having sex with. He would even text me and tell me he was having sex with such and such. I never understood why the hell he told me about it as this would put you off and in fact I told him I didn’t want to know about it. On the other hand, he has other women and he doesn’t tell them at all about the other women, in fact, he lies to them and cheats on them. So why with me he was telling me about all the women he was with and with others he hid it? that I never understood.
Yes, he told me that mutual trust and respect are critical for him but he never respected me.
I think it is interesting to have the perspective of someone who understands this personally as you seem to do. I am not sure if it would be too much to ask for but if you read my story, could you please tell me if the guy I was with presents the traits of a psychopath under your point of view?
My story is http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/09/02/letter-to-lovefraud-he-told-me-i-would-get-addicted-to-him/
Bluedolphin,
I just came across this site. Much of what you said, I too experienced. Unfortunately, I happen to be the 1st love of the abuser. We are from different countries and tried off and on over a period of 11 years to make a go of it. When we split I found my current husband and we were married just over a year later.
Because I remembered the 18 year old loving, interested,and ever so careful to not hurt my feelings by raising his voice, I never got over him and years later accepted contact when his marriage fell apart.
The first number of months were loaded with contact, compliments, catching up on everyone and everything. I rediscovered my younger self and found a part that was missing (him). As time went by, it was hard to get that fix because he always had an excuse of way he was not there. The last 2 summers I went back to where we met for a wedding in his family. He had moved away but came back. Same behavior there, Meeting up at 2 in the afternoon and hard to discuss anything, because he would only talk about what he wanted to talk about and only do that when he felt the time was right. Nothing indicating that he couldn’t wait to meet up with us.
Came to the point he wanted sex and I said I could not. Then I was told I was selfish. I called after we both returned home and went through the same behavior. Add that this guy has a problem with alcohol and gambling and the picture is worse. He most likely was on the phone with his gambling buddy and had been drinking. It was hard to get much time on the phone, but I made it clear that anyone who is interested in another wants to spend time with them and makes regular contact.
The shocker was when he mentioned that the problem is my husband and I would have to leave him and live alone for a while. My response was “why would I do that? At least he enjoys my company.” I mentioned that he does show interest when he is drunk, just not to me. Then I mentioned how he groped his niece and he got off the phone. Of course he denied it, but both my 17 year old son and I took video when it happened.
Last summer and this summer there were constant references to women we would come across on the street. I thought the comments were degrading. My son found them offensive. The women were in their mid 20’s to 30’s. He is 53, I am 54 (even though he has admitted numerous times that I have very few crow feet and look not a day over 40). Same weight as in high school. I say these things to point out that the focus of the age would be hard to compete with, even if almost all of the younger ones were not beautiful, just young.
Last summer it was my 17 year old that told me that this guy is a sociopath. The instincts were so good that I suggested that clinical psychology may be his future.
My heart goes out to you bluedophin. The pull is very strong. I have always felt that sizing women up on appearance is totally shallow, even told him. Yet, it never stops. I have complained about his not being around when I have time to talk and then I limited contact to 2 days on the weekend. Still many times he was not around. He chose to spend his time on his bad habits talking trash with other guys. I will not be told what to do, he says and then claims I am bossy.
After he hung up on the last conversation, I tried to call back to tell him my bottom line. No answer. So, I put on Skype that I will not be calling again and to feel free to leave messages to tell me you are still alive and that I do care. He was on, but not sure if looking at skype.
This long reply is to offer support, but also to convey the insight that has come out of this. For me, the younger teenage man, who placed me at the center of his world, remained in my mind. The spark burned bright and strong to leave it’s remains with both of us for 35 years. I know that to prevent being pulled in I must not think about that time long ago or what could have been. I also need to focus on the person that stood before me 20 years ago and now today. That person has nothing to lose. That person is dishonest, manipulative, self-centered, and will only provide the crumbs of attention when he wants. That person constantly asked over the last 2 summers “Who is the boss?” The reply was always, “I am.” My 17 year old found that odd and frustrating as well. Keep sight of what you see and your instincts. Would you really want a life with a person like that?
Russell1 – Thank you for your reply. That story I posted is from last year. I know I don’t want to be with him but the verbal and psychological abuse was horrible. He blocked me in August last year only 10 days after I visited him in his country with no warning or anything. I told him I would never again to fly beaters and people who rape. He replied “or gagging, or threesome, or fisting, or bondage” and after that I never heard from him again. No explanation, not even a chance to talk, nothing. During that visit he threatened me with beating me and he raped me (I believe what he did was rape despite being in a consented situation). I hadn’t posted here in a while and only last week something happened (I don’t know if you read it or not).
I write it here:
By accident and without looking for it I came across his gf’s facebook profile. After all the abuse he had carried out on me and how he discarded me I really wanted to contact the gf to let her know what he is doing behind her back, not just with me but with many other women. I wrote to her facebook telling her what is going on and I sent screenshots as proof on Monday night. Then on Tuesday, I received messages and we kept exchanging messages for about 1 and 1/2 hour. Two days later I received messages from her mobile phone on whatsapp and at the start I thought it was her. Even the first day I talked to her on facebook I noticed some expressions were like his and I wondered but the day talking on the phohe on whatsapp I realised it was him and he didn’t hide it anymore. In fact it had been him the one writing all the time from the first day. First he was writing as if he was the gf but then it was clear it was him.
You cannot believe what he said for 2 hours on whatsapp (and he is with the gf now). He called me deplorable, he said that when he threatened with beating me last year while with him it was because I deserved it. He told me I like to be insulted, rejected and beaten and that I deserve that. He said I am like a prostitute, easier than a prostitute “because prostitute charge us to have sex and you have sex with a strange for free” (he himself told me so many times that he likes to have sex with strangers). He told me I am more stupid than he thought and that is why he used me easily and that is why he blocked me. He said that I am a stupid puppet and a stupid bitch.
He said that I am ugly and that it was the worse sex he ever had. He constantly told me that I love him and that I want his penis and sex. He in the middle of all this sent me a picture attached of his down part although wearing underwear. he said “When you miss MY PENIS, look at that and remember that good sex that you never will have again”. He asked if I wanted him to send pics of him and the gf naked having sex.
He told me he could consider me as a second option for only sex if I waited. I said to him “try me, just try me and you will see”. Then he said I am deplorable, called me bitch non stop, then told me he doesn’t want me. Constantly telling me I cannot forget his big penis. He told me he doesn’t care about my tears. He said “Do you know that I don’t want you anymore? even knowing that I can have you when I want”. “You are crazy for me bitch”. He said “I could leave her to be with you to then say “I changed my mind”. Then described me how nice she is, her skin, her body, her hair to then tell me I am ugly. He told me I believed in everything he told me and that I was stupid to do so because he was lying (this is because he used to tell me that the gf and him break up and fight all the time, he told me she is too stupid and simple minded, that they have different expectations, that there was disrespect, etc). He didn’t even need to make it look like their “relationship” was bad because he had already got what he wanted from me and in fact, he wasn’t planning to meet me again so that doesn’t even make sense. He said I am easy like a prostitute without having to pay. He kept asking if I wanted to see his big penis. He said “I don’t want you and never wanted you”, telling me that she is better than me.
I told him he uses all women and he said “no, only stupids like you”. That he never loved me and he does love her, that he just spent his time with me while he waited for her (they see each other twice or three times a year as they live in different continents).
He asked if I have gone to the police yet, just laughing. I said I feel sorry for him and he said “you won’t go to the Police then?”.
I told him in my last trip I realised who he really is and that I would have never gone back to him, ever. He asked “who am I?” and I said “someone capable of beating”. to what he answered ” you deserved” and I said that he is also someone who rapes to what he said “you searched for that, so take the consequences”.
The gf had visited him in March 2015 and in April he flew to me. He visited the gf in December 2014 and in January 2015 he flew to another woman….this is his style.
But why did he spend 1 and 1/2 hours the first day last week and 2 hours two days later writing to me from his gf’s FB account and phone while he is with her on holidays? Why didn’t he just call me bitch, which he did 22 times, and disappear?. Why invest that amount of time writing to me while he is with her on holidays during one of those 2 or 3 times they see each other a year? I just find it so strange……..And 2nd : I wrote for the 1st time to her FB account on Monday night. There I told her what was going on and sent her screenshots as proof. Ok, then the next day I start to get messages, of course thinking it was her as it was her FB account, and we spent 1 and 1/2 hours typing on FB. I always thought it was her I was talking to. And 2 days later I realised it was not her typing either on FB or her phone as I thought but him all the time. So question: has she even seen my initial messages and screenshots, the ones I sent on Monday night? why was he writing all the time from the very first message and not her???? What do you think happened here from the moment I wrote those first messages on Monday night? I don’t understand this at all.
What I would have expected is him having blocked me so that I cannot send more proof or even talk.
I re read this article and it rings bells everywhere. Only the other day while talking to him (when I thought it was the gf I was talking to) he kept telling me that he loves the gf and she loves him. I told him that cheating and lying (what he does constantly to her) is not within the definition of love. He kept telling me “your definition of love”. I said, no, world wide definition of love not just mine. He said that is my opinion and that he doesn’t care.
Regarding the gay, straight, etc. I was recently thinking much about this. I remember once he was going to tell me something about him. He started saying that there was something else about him and then he thought twice and told me that some things are better kept for one self, that knowing too much has a price and that he told a gf in the past and she couldn’t take it and broke up with him, so basically he didn’t get to tell me. However I made a compilation of very suspicious comments he made and which made me really wonder:
1. he told me about a festival in his city and told me he doesn’t like it because people drink. He asked: “didn’t you hear how 3 British guys were drunk and one was raping another?”. Out of the whole festival this is all he could say.
2. He said “I am curious about girls, not boys. I am not gay”. This was in a context where affirming with such intensity that he is not gay was not necessary at all. You could simply say that you only like girls and that is it.
3. While talking one day he said “I am allergic to men”. Again, such a strong affirmation was not needed in the context of the talk. You can simply say you don’t like them but allergic???
4. When he was driving me to the airport when I visited him we were stopped at the traffic lights and there was a sort of black guy standing in the street and he said something like “he is an attractive/good looking or sexy guy”. I thought he was telling me to see if I liked him. I never knew what he meant.
5. And finally, he said one day to me “my fellow student invited me to his house to a party. He tried to show me nude pictures, to find out if I had balls.
Of course, all these comments were made randomly and at different times and I never paid attention to them. But when I put them all together I really started to wonder if something is going on here.
Sandra Brown says psychopaths are edgy. At first it seems neutral but eventually you pay. I have found this true.
Very true.