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Sociopaths and sex

Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”

Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.

First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.

Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.

Sex but no love

But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.

Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.

Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.

Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.

Diagnosing the disorder

The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.

One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)

Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.

Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.


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Within two weeks of meeting Ed Hicks, he told me he loved me. He began signing all of his emails with “Love” Ed; he brought me roses; he sent me romantic e-cards. Furthermore, he told me he had only felt like this once before in his life—when he fell in love with the mother of his children. He told me over and over he was a “one woman man”!!!!

As I uncovered the truth about him, I learned there were seven confirmed marriages, another in Mexico we knew existed, but just could not find the marriage document and there were a plethora of girlfriends. He constantly cheated on all his wives and his girlfriends, and on his wives and girlfriends at the same time…without conscience, without remorse, and without protection.

If you find you are involved with a sociopath, get out of the relationship quickly and also get tested for STDs!

Another great and informative post, Donna.

Hi, everyone..
I’ve been abused emotioanlly and psychologically by my ex boyfriend who appears to be Narcissist.
He put a Restraining Order on me, causing emotional and financial stress.
In the last year, he has fraudulently posted provocative pictures of me on a public website more than 8 times. I have copies and proof that he committed this fraud.
I need to be helped to obtain harassment Restraining Order and also, I want to pursuit legal action for deformation of character along with psychological and emotional distress.
He has high profile, very good looking, and has amazing sex skill. And also, he is into transexual.. I was shocked when he told me about having sex with TS.. People around him, friends and co-workers, can’t even imagine what’s going on behind the scene.

On my website I constantly see this sociopathic or narcissistic trait with online predators over & over. These people will say I LOVE YOU to people they only know ONLINE or on the PHONE and they do a lot of ‘grooming’, love bombing and NLP on top of it so before the victim knows it they’re swept away by these types. Yes Narcissists do it too but sociopaths seem to be consistently ADDICTED to sex and literally HELP their victims confuse sex with love. I really think that because these types are UNABLE to feel emotions that sexual release is the closest they get to ‘feeling’ anything they can relate to as real.

Another fantastic Post Donna!!

During sex, people who are not sociopaths experience increased levels of hormones that cause bonding. HAVE SEX WITH A SOCIOPATH ENOUGH AND YOU WILL FEEL BONDED. The bonding that occurs with sex is a normal and very important part of human society. This bonding is also why leaving a socioppath after great sex is difficult.

Understanding why you feel compelled to stay is the first step toward leaving.

Yeah, I can relate to “feeling bonded.”

I think my most recent sociopath was a borderline case and might have been “trying to feel” like Fighter’s post mentioned.

Of course I will never know unless God literally comes out of the sky and tells me, and I think we all know that will never happen, since God has more important things to do.

All I know for sure is I need to stay away from him.

This is such a informative site. I like fighters comments. I wish these sociopaths could be branded on the forhead. If I knew I was anywhere near one I’d run the fastest. I never had fear in my life. I fear sociopaths…The Boogey man personified!!! I wish I could start my own new exterminating company an rid this world of these monsters. I wish there was more awareness. I wonder what are the odds of me having 2 sociopaths work me over again. The most unexpected learning experience ever!!! How do I share my story to someone who may give a damn…I have finally come full circle still can’t fully understand it all but I’m alive an its a miracle…

Those of us who come out ALIVE feel both truly blessed to have no physical scars and be physicallyl away from them but the emotional scars and the pull to be with them again lingers on for a long, long time. We cannot believe that this has happened to us…we LET it. The only way to stay away from these freaks of nature and loveless human beings is to keep reading this site and read and re-read Dr. Hare’s book. Hang in there people. Sue

nueij, you aren’t in San Francisco, are you? The guy I was involved with sounds exactly the same…it’s frightening.

Great sex! Sex addict! Massive collection of sex publications ranging from scientific to gut-wrenching. Plenty of practice (probably thousands of partners). No inhibitions. No comittment. Thrill seeking. Insatiable curiosity. Keeping score. Bi-sexual – or, more correctly, multi-sexual. Belonged to various sex clubs including “The Macintosh Club” in the UK, and “the Vampire Club” and “Eulenspiegel Society” in New York. No awareness of consequences. Tried everything. “Introduced” children to sex. Worked as a teenage male prostitute.

He told me about these experiences after I had known him for quite a while – and most were confirmed.

Some examples of what “my” psycho wanted:- (1) me (a career public servant) to walk down main street with a whip and wearing leather – and leading him by a slave collar and chain; (2) to have me and my sister have sex with him together – and be photographed; join “The Chameleon club” (transvestites); take part in the Sydney “Gay Mardi Gras”, take part in swingers parties.

kitty_cat ,
Hi, hon..
Email me back..
Lets talk..
xoxo

I can’t believe any of this is happening to me!!! I was with the “perfect man for me” for 18 months. We had a relationship that involved our kids (one mine & one his) We worked together and seemed to everyone to be a great couple. Then 2 months ago I caught him cheating, He tried (half heartedly) to convince me he wasn’t for about 5 days, then he gave up and said ” I told you where I was, you don’t believe me, I’m not gonna stand for these accusations..were over..If you call me or text me I will be forced to contact the police” That’s it?? after 18 mo. of playing family. I did get him back by posting him on playersandpsychos.com and mysteriously over 200 fliers showed up one night on every telephone pole for miles around the hospital where he works. The fliers directed people to the website and said he was “a cheater”. Well his new target saw the fliers and supposedly dropped him like a hot potatoe. Now if you google his name, it directs you to the website, so I definitely made it harder for him to play women. But in the two weeks after catching him, He lied to police about me, making me look terrible. Then he lied to our employer, being partially responsible for getting me fired (they wern’t happy about the fliers either) Then and this is the worst…He lied to get a restraining order against me…this is seriously screwing up me finding a new job…I’m an EMT who now can’t go to this hospital.. I tried to get it terminated, but as I tried to convince the judge he lied, the judge said “you still sound angry” I said “I’m angry that he lied”, the judge turned to him, smiled and said “I’m upholding the order”. This man is desroying my life with his lies, ofcourse I’m upset!!! I am still in the phase where I’m absorbing all of this. I was so completely fooled. He was into seriously kinky porn & sex, He let me in on that in the beginning and I was willing to play his games with him. But then toward the end he didn’t seem to mention any of the kinky stuff, The sex had become boring to both of us (ofcourse he still kept playing me & screwing me). I now wonder just how bad it was…How many other women?? How many of his female “friends” were sex partners?? I wonder if he’s crusin the web?? I think he’s bi-sexual I wonder the extent of all that??? How could he seem like such a normal, down to earth guy??? How could this be happening to me?? I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust anyone again!! Could someone tell me how long it’s gonna take to get over this pain, shock and heartbreak???? If I ever will. God help me and every other woman who’s gone through this.

God, did this guy have me fooled.
We had been friends for years before he pursued me romantically. I was in no way interested. But he wore me down.
To make a long story short, he had major sexual issues. In the beginning, he was impotent with me. Then he revealed that he had had a four-year affair with a married woman prior to getting involved with me, and he attributed his problems to feeling like he was cheating on her! (I found out later on that he had initially dated her teenaged daughter. At the time, the daughter was 19; he was 53.)
As time went on, he confessed to having a really bizarre sexual past, complete with group sex, threeseomes with a buddy of his and yet another married woman he had had an affair with, etc. In the end, he tried to talk me into a threesome with another woman.
Ironically, he continued to have sexual problems with me. Although he overcame his impotence, he could not ejaculate when he was with me. Once again, he attributed this to still having feelings for that married woman. He also would throw it up to me that he never had such problems with her (which made me feel awful).
I ultimately realized that he was just using me to make that married woman jealous; he also was using me for sex (among other things).
What truly confused me was that this guy was and is very well-liked by virtually everyone. He is very quiet, mild-mannered and pleasant. I can’t believe he turned out to be this way!

Wow How true this post is!! The 1st time I wrote on 10/18 I got off topic, It’s clear to me I was still in shock, it had only been just over a month… Now about this blog.. . It is so true, My ex was big time into porn, too. Some seriously out there kinky stuff. Also into BDSM, and had more sex toys than I’ve ever owned total. Also mentioned interest in group sex, his fantasy was to see me with another female. I played his BDSM games with him, and honestly enjoyed pleasing him in that way. I told him I’d have to be alot more secure in our relationship before I’d even think about bringing another person into it, that never happened (thank God). He did take some pictures, they’re probably on the internet. But I tell you, I miss his sex so much, to this day!! When I caught him cheating, that is one of the main reasons I got so mad, I was furious to think, he was just gonna go on to someone else. Probably why I made such a point to break them up!! I still miss his sex, and the way it felt to be in his arms. I hate him for not being the man he made me think he was!!

HIya Awolf56
Your post has hit a very raw nerve with me.
I read your story and I could have almost written that myself. I met the most wonderful guy last Oct and things were great….or so I thought.
It was really strange with him though as from the first time we had sex things just werent right ( if you know what I mean). He would take ages to ejaculate,if at all,had to do it in certain positions and if I moved when he was enjoying himself look out. I also had the excuse of him feeling he was cheating on his ex wife,even though they hadnt lived together for a year.I also felt that there was no really emotional connection with him whilst having sex,it always left me feeling cold somehow.
After the first 3 months or so things went downhill even further. He still couldnt ejaculate on times, but to make it even more degrading for me we would start having sex and then a few minutes later he would just stop and say he’d had enough and if I challenged him on this he would give me the evil look or worse still just get dressed and leave.

This guy seemed like the most perfect person for the first 3-4 months. He’d call and text all the time,always just as I woke up in the morning and last thing at night ( he worked nights). He would bring me flowers,cook,do things around the house etc. He even trusted me with his cards and money….not that he had alot mind as he seemed to scrounge off me for alot of the time.We would always hold hands whilst out and I always had a kiss off him when I saw him,but any other really affection such as cuddles was sadly lacking.

I helped him move into his own house,gave him alot of my old things and even went around to collect furniture etc for him.

The worst thing about this relationship is the fact I got very close and attatched to his two daughters. They were fab and we bonded from the first time we met,so not only has he broken my heart but theirs too,not that he cares eh !!

I found texts to another woman in April,this turned out to be someone who had shown him around a house he was thinking of renting. The texts were disgusting for most part,very sexual and descriptive of things he wanted to do to her. The funny thing is I asked him on numerous occasions to try different things ,positions etc and he wouldnt…..so these texts just didnt ring true to what I was experiencing with him. Once I confronted him about this he told me hed text her and told her to delete his number and he would do the same. Oh what a stupid fool I was to believe that would happen !!

Anyway fast forward to end of July. i went to collect his daughters whilst he was in bed and his ex wife confronted me. She told me all about his past,his lying,stealing from work and selling goods and the fact hed lost his previous job through stealing. I also found out he’d been involved in mortgage fraud in his early twenties.

I obviously confronted him about the above facts and he did sort of hold his hand up to some of it…but no way would he about the present situation as he had already told me a lie about what was happening with things he was selling and where they came from. He went underground and practically ignored me for a week or so apart from a few texts. I then received a text off him to say when can I bring your stuff back. He did do that and during that short time he was here he looked at me like he hated me with a passion.

The end of that week I received a letter through the post from him apologising for hurting me so much and saying he needs to be on his own and how he will always hold a special place in his heart for me…..does this ring true??

I found out from his mother a couple of weeks ago that hes been seeing the woman I caught him texting since we split up,so I suspect he never stopped texting here and was even meeting her behind my back…..I’m guessing thats normal behaviour for someone who you suspect of being a sociopath. The other thing his Mum told me was they had kicked him out of the house at 16 for lying,stealing and generally being disruptive……so would you all consider those to be the early signs of this condition??

I am so confused by his actions at the begining of the relationship to the end that its left me in pieces. I am seeing a counsellor and also discussing with my doctor about anti-depressants. I am a strong,independant woman who holds down a great job that is paid well……I do not understand how this person who I loved and tried to help could leave me feeling so emotionally damaged. The person I thought he was obviously didnt really exist and it was all an act….but what a cruel thing to do to another human being. I really wish you all luck and hope we can hodl each others hands through this madness.

Could you guys who have maybe gone through a similar experience give me some insight into why I feel this way and how I can help myself.

Don’t look for truth in what he says and does. There isn’t any.
Ultimately, the story doesn’t matter because nothing he said or did was true.
Its a tough pill to swallow.

You have irrefutable evidence of his behavior.

A counselor is good. Very helpful. EMDR therapy is helpful. And time.

The only thing you can understand is that there was something terribly wrong with this person. And that what you believed to be true was false. He lied. You didn’t.

One day, you will look back and know his departure was your good fortune even though it may not feel like that right away. Yes, the early signs. It all adds up.

What helped me most was to stop trying to make sense out of it all. I found Ekhardt Tolle (The power of NOW) very helpful.

And the wonderful community here. Don’t know what I’d have done without it.

will be right here….

Dear Curlysue,

YOu have been slimed by a psychopath,, my dear—totally self centered, all for themselves, WILL NOT CHANGE–total LIARS, cannot tell the truth…no responsibility to anyone–may have a great family, kids, etc. but they are the “black sheep” and do nothing but cause lies and pain with their betrayals.

Sex with anyone is just masturbation with a partner–you are just like a warm blow up doll…no connection above the animal act.

Keep on going to therapy! You are NOT alone, but arm yourself with knowledge so you can avoid the next one that comes along and learn that you do not deserve to be treated like this by slime like him!

Welcome to LF and keep on learning. Knowledge i s power!

Curlysue, for me… the betrayl has been what hurts the most, like you said… “it was all an act”, and I started thinking about some of the other fakers I had been in relationshits with and I felt like I hit a brick wall at 90mph when I realized how evil people can be, it took me awhile to get it. Then I started looking at myself and how could I be in love with a fantasy who threw red flags in my face that I ignored? It has been a metamorphosis for me, I’m the one that has to change and it’s been tough, like someone pulled me inside out from the top of my head, it’s a journey, a healing journey of me. They are predators living in their human shell pod. I still think about him a lot, which doesn’t help. Yes, we will all hold hands through this!! This is a wonderful website, many caring, loving people, I have learned a lot about THEM… but more about MYSELF and how to protect myself and love myself.

Why do these men even exist? I don’t get it. It is the most awful pain to know you’ve been taken, and later learn that we were mere objects of their masturbation and that was all.
Very sad for those they affect.

🙁

Thank you all for your support.
I suppose as you said trying to make sense of something where there isnt any sense is the hardest thing.
I agree with you guys that I have to now look after myself and love myself before I can completely heal from this. The worst thing that hes taken away from me is my confidence and self esteem,but I also know I will never let this happen again once I’ve got the knowledge to move on from this terrible episode.

Its really hard trying to discuss this with alot of my friends as they dont understand completely how I feel as its never happened to them. Its like some exclusive club we’ve all been invited to.

My friends are just saying hes an a***hole forget him…..we all know that much but they dont get the extent of whats happened inside the relationship to make me feel this way. Nothing I’ve ever experienced before compares to this misery.

Dear Curlysue,

Yep, your friends do NOT get it, but knowledge=power, so learn. There are over 700 articles here (go back through the ones by subject or author as the monthly archives only goes back a year) and READ them ALL. Just the articles to start with, but all of them. You will start to learn about them but end up learning about yourself as well. Why they did this, what they are, the signs to spot one, and why you let yourself get so deeply involved. It is a healing PROCESS not just a “get over it.”

Glad you found your way here! this is a great site to learn and heal. again, Welcome!

Curlysue, I agree, it is difficult for friends and families to understand, that’s why I’ve never talked to mine about it. It is too personal and hurtful to me… but… when the opportunity does come up… I try to educate them about sociopaths, pointing out that they don’t have to be a serial killer, that they can be the guy next door, a husband/wife, boy/girl friend, and then I tell them how they are people with no compassion, no remorse, no empathy, pathological liars, manipulative, etc, etc… that they PRETEND to be normal.

I am glad you found this website, sorry we all belong to this “exclusive club”, but glad we have others to talk to about it with. Oh, I couldn’t even talk to my sister about it, I just told her a LITTLE BIT and she called him an a**hole, so I wasn’t about to tell her the crap I put up with!!!

Oxy, wow, talk about posting at the same time!!! LOL

Dear Chic,

Great minds run in the same ditch! (((hugs)))

Curlysue,
Shabbychic is correct that we all hold hands here.
Ox Drover is correct that there is alot of healing tools and information here.
Silevermoon is correct they are nothing but liars.
Sorry you had to join our club…. Hugzzzz
soimnotthecrazee1!

Ox Drover,
your quote: Sex with anyone is just masturbation with a partner”“you are just like a warm blow up doll”no connection above the animal act.

OMG…. you are so correct and what a discouraging nasty feeling after being with that. My xspath had masturbated hisself into a hole… not being able to have pleasure unless it was just the same as his masturbation. (sick masturbation pratices too. damn near pinching his nipple off… like he had to feel pain, becuase he couldn’t feel pleasure) I hurt physically so bad sometimes, it was like being raped! SICK!!
Oh he tried to pass this off as an AHHAH moment that he had masturbated “prone’ his whole life and that was his issue. NO the issue was that there was no porno on the tv! Sick farking being!!!
When the end came and it got nasty…. I told the idiot to take that damn thing out back and beat it against a tree.
OH YUK!!!!
Thank God I am rid of that!
soimnotthecrazee1!

With most spaths, the sex will be good – how can it NOT be when they devote their entire lives to doing what pleases them? It becomes an art-form with so many of them. With so many partners, usually concurrently bed-hopping with several people most days, how could they NOT get “good” at what they do there? Practice makes perfect – they study our reactions in order to get the best results for themselves. The fact that this will sometimes mean that we (the victims) have the best sex we can ever imagine having is an irrelevant by-product. If they could orchestrate the best sex they ever had without our also having pleasure, they would do it, right? They operate that way in every other sphere of life….sex is trickier for them because it’s one thing they can’t completely control. It’s normal that for one person to get the best out of it, both should get the best out of it. In a way, they are stuck within that truth. (In most cases – I know that sometimes this is not how it is with them, but would hazard a guess that that is because for individual spaths, the sex is NOT the primary SUPPLY they are seeking but is used by them to create the bond with the victim which will ensure the supply they do seek – money, a slave, prestige, whatever…)

Having said that, I’ve been married to two spaths (so shoot me now). The first was perverted and sex-addicted (may I just point out that I DID NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE!!) but technically incompetent. The second was technically very adept but would do what I always felt was a very odd thing at the critical moment – no eye contact, no emotional contact at all – but his eyes would roll right back in his head, as if he wasn’t even there. Every time. As though it was ALL about his own physical sensations and I was not there in the same bed.

I now know that it was that way because it WAS ALL ABOUT his own physical sensations and “I” was not even there for him. I was just the blow-up doll.

Someone (forget who) posted an an earlier thread this month a comment that spaths are not hetero- or bi- or homosexual. They will screw anything.

Never a truer word was spoken.

Their vileness knows no bounds.

Give me technical inexperience or awkwardness with love and connection any day, over a stud with no soul.

Thanks for sharing Aussie! This is such a sensitive subject…. I’m not sure what the bundaries are for sharing about this. It is and has been a big part of the mask falling off and a big part of where I need healing. Part of my spath was good in the bed… he made sure he knew how to please me(IMO that was part of his control over me)… but when it came to him….. I was the masturbation blowup doll. He could never think outside the box of his self manipulation. God be my witness… he is a child molester waiting to happen. I am short and petite and when i discussed this with my SIL… she said no wonder he loved you so much.. you are so little!!!(at least I was untill I put on 40 lbs… thats alot when you are 4’11”). When i was with him… he didn’t miss a set of tits and a** walk by. We were grocery shopping and he rammed the cart into a display becuase he was lost in the stocking girl bent over. I have never been so insulted and embarassed in my life! BUT OH>>>>>> I am with the man that is the “love of my life”! We were mid 40’s, no EXCUSE!
Thanks for listening!
soimnotthecrazee1!

Aussie,
interesting that neither of your spaths was like mine. He was technically proficient and extremely concerned with bringing me immense pleasure, but did not seem to get physical pleasure for himself. or even care about that. It was like sex with a robot or prostitue. Turns out it’s because I’m not 12 years old. or a blond boy. or anything else that is illegal and immoral, so no pleasure for him.

But he did manage to as you said, “orchestrate the best sex they ever had without our also having pleasure,”. How you might ask?

He would, skillfully “orchestrate the best sex ” I’VE ever had, putting me on a pedestal, and the next day he would either disappear or stick around and make life hell. Effectively pushing me off the pedestal. I saw the pattern and chose to forego the rollercoaster ride for the last 15 years or so.

When I first met my ex-spath he wanted sex on the first date and I refused. It was not until our 3rd date that we finally had intercourse. It was WILD and UNREAL! Best I ever had. We began to see each other every day and sex was a daily ritual. Little did I know that after he left my house and went home he was on an internet porno dating site with his own profile – and he took naked pictures of himself in my home. It is true how they are with sex. I am finally free of this predator and working with a life coach and receiving grief counseling – did not know there are many forms of grief. I will get better – it will just take time. He is out there again on an internet dating site (Plenty of Fish) and looking for his next catch. The sad thing is – his brother has had bouts of skin cancer and is getting up in years – but here it is Thanksgiving weekend and he is down in Virginia – with his best buddy and the divorcee next door (who the buddy matched him up with).

Skylar,
WOW! Very well put! When they are robots… it doens’t give us our internal pleasure of pleasing our partner. It’s like we get our pleasure but feel rejected at the same time. ROBOT SEX!!!! I never felt so frustrated in my life. I’m a sensual sexual being with those I chose to share that side of me with and I opened that up with him…. only to find out he is an spath porno addicted, possible child molester, disrespectful eyes on everyone idiot! I would be out with him and I could litterally feel his eyes burning holes in the jeans of other womens asses. How sick is that?
soimnotthecrazee1!

skylar:
“putting me on a pedestal, ” – I would say to him, (repeatedly for the first three years)(yes – he held out THAT long!!), “Please take me down off that pedestal you have me on. NOBODY is as wonderful as you think I am and the day that you realise I’m just a human being with faults like everyone else, it’s gonna be a helluva long way down for me to fall – I don’t know that I would be able to survive that big a fall!”

Well, it was.

And I almost didn’t. Still can’t believe that I did….

I’m so very, very sad for the next lady after me. I worry that when the time comes (as we know it will) she may not make it. I had the most excellent support from the police and from some wonderful friends and workmates. I just hope she has enough support because even with all of that, I honestly thought that I would die from the pain.

czarinamom:
Look out divorcee!!! Ray is on the way to your wallet!!! Sorry czarinamom! Just work at healing!
soimnottherazee1!

soimnotthecrazee1:
It is true. The crazy thing is his friend knows that he is a cheater and liar (but the friend is bi-polar and a millionaire) so he does not care. Seems from the first day the divorcee moved in next door (the friend is married) he took her under his wing. One time the friend, ex-spath and myself were out to dinner and he kept looking at his watch saying the divorcee was out on a match.com date (he said she was older and a bit on the heavy side and did not get many dates) so he was worried about her date. So, what does he do? I break up with the spath and the friend hooks the two of them up.

When I found that my spath was on an internet porno site (and I KNOW he was getting action – I found an email from this woman who charged to have sex and said she donates a portion for animal rescue) I made sure I went to the doctor and got checked out and had it put in my medical records why I was there and WHO made me want to go there.

And thanks, I am healing, my first step was kicking the spath once and for all out of my life. The second step was finding this website and the third step is my life coach.

TO ME, and I’ve said this before, Sex SHOULD in my opinion be a

“bonding ritual between two people who care about each other.”

It should NOT be a spectator sport, or a tag team match, or something bought and sold for cash or other goods. Okay, if that makes me a prude, so be it. I don’t care what those two CONSENTING ADULTS do to each other to BOND, I figure that is their choice, but whatever it is, it should give pleasure and satisfaction and a feeling of being cared about and loved to BOTH parties.

Years ago when I worked in spinal cord rehab one of my job duties was helping in teaching new sexual techniques to people who were paralyzed from either the neck down or the waist down so that they and their spouses/partners could still enjoy a healthy and satisfying sexual life even if they could not even feel their bodies from the level of their injuries down.

Sex is not about the crotch, the biggest sex organ in the body is between the ears—it is our brains and our minds—and our hearts! The psychopath only has their BODY for sex not their heart or mind. I honestly think that they get it that WE get something they don’t, “bonding hormones” but they aren’t sure what it is, and one reason they keep on changing partners is to try to find that elusive “thing” that they seem to get that we get, but yet they don’t understand it. If that makes any sense. They keep hoping that the NEXT PARTNER will give them that “thing” we have…but it never works. They just keep on trying to find some real satisfaction and it never works.

Ox Drover… OMG what a job! OMG talk about nesting in a persons pshcyee!!! and being in control!!! You are correct that they want what we have and they don’t… OMG… This is validating my exspath!!! Keep talking and typing.. I need to hear this…. as much as I don’t want to!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!

OMG…. he just wanted ME period!!! My passion for life, my love for family, my success, my pride of my hardwork and my home, my sexuality,,,,, OMG only to kill all that!
Nighty Night! Going to bed after this one. YUK!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!

:/
I Was A Blow Up Doll

sigh

Oxy,
I thought that what we were doing WAS a bonding ritual.
even after he deciced that we should include other people, I thought it was all about US. i was narcissistic enough at age 25 to think that what we wanted was enough. I had no concept of people who were just evil enough to HATE LOVE.

Hiya gang you all seem to have very similar experiences,I just cant believe theres so many of them out there!!

The one thing that has baffled me is that sex in the begining was pretty good…..not the best ever I might add as after the first few weeks foreplay wasnt heard of. It was almost mechanical in that we’d kiss then hed think that was the green light. So why then after a few months did he start withholding ? We would see each other most nights before he went to work,but only very ocassionally would we end up in bed and that got fewer and further between as time went on.
He would say things like its not all about the sex,we have something much more special etc. He also used the line….Its just my sex drive isnt as high as yours,it doesnt mean I dont want you or desire you every minute of the day. He’d also make me feel dirty if I initiated and would then often just push me away saying he was too tired or had to get up for work.

The only nights we slept together all night ,would be a sat and sun and those nights then became a power struggle……I was obviously wanting and needing love and affection and he would do everything to withhold it……was this the power and manipulation that he needed to feel over me??

What this guy has done is take away my self belief,my sense of attractiveness and self confidence…..thats a sick thing to do to another person.

I think deep down he knows theres something very wrong with him as in one of his last texts to me he said…..I’m not angry with you,I’m angry with myself for letting someone else in. I think he means other than his ex who has obviously lived with him being like that for years.

Any thoughts on this ???

Curly,
Your quote:
What this guy has done is take away my self belief,my sense of attractiveness and self confidence”..thats a sick thing to do to another person.

What my xspath did had this effect on me also. They are very sick beings. I so need to heal from this sex part of the dysfunctional relationship. Ox Drover posted some great explanations as to why they do this and what they are trying to achieve. I wonder if there is a book that has this topic in it. Anybody know?
Sorry you are here. This site has a world of knowledge and healing. Keep reading
soimnotthecrazee1!

Curly,
I remember telling a friend.. It was like all that I was that he admired me for… he wound up hating me for it. and trying to take it away from me. and putting me down for it.

In the beginning I told him his wandering eye habit was disrespectful and that I wasn’t going to tolerate it. He claimed innocent and didn’t even know it was happening. To let him know when it happened. OH RIGHT!!! If he loved and respected me then he wouldn’t do it period!!!! That’s when I started peeling the mask off. Boy did he get angry and manipulative at that point. I didn’t want to see the evil monster underneath the mask!!! It is so disheartening!
soimnotthecrazee1!!

Hiya Soimnotthecrazee
You seem to have really related to my experience.
To be honest with you the sex part has been the most hurtful for me too…..that is what really breaks you down as a woman and a loving caring person.I just felt I disgusted him ,was attractive enough,thin enough etc……to read the texts he sent to that other woman in April nearly killed me off but he promised it was nothing,he loved me and had put a stop to it. I should have followed my gut instinct and called her myself,but then I didnt know what reaction he would have to that and I really didnt want to loose him so had to trust what he said.

Of course I think about him with her now,is he loving her the way he couldnt love me,has he started treating her the way he did me ??

I know hes damaged as his parents tried to help him with his stealing after we split up but his reaction was to email them and tell them he doesnt have parents any longer. They are really good people and I know how much they’ve done for him over the years. I cant believe someone can react like that when help is offered……or is it the finding out they dont like. The fact that people are finally getting behind their mask ??

This is a very intriguing subject to be honest,I just wish I hadnt have to live through the experience to discuss it.

Thanks for the welcome to your family guys…means alot xx

Curly,
I do do relate to your experience. My xspath had a female coworker that he would come home boasting about. She did this, that, the other. I didn’t want to hear about her, i wanted to talk about us and plan our wedding and our life together. I told him I was uncomfortable with it. Chit hit the fan…. I suddenly became this nasty jealous biatch etc etc. I challeneged him on this… he was having an emotional affair with Trixie! Who was an attention whore to begin with. After 6 weeks of this crap, he finally admitted to me I was right and it was inappropriate. They know no boundaries. I have never spoken the word “inappropriate” so many times to someone I loved before in my life.
I believe you are correct, they get nasty when they think someone is looking behind their mask.
I remember telling him… who you are and who you portray are 2 different people. Who you are in this house with me and who you want people to think you are 2 different people. Chit really hit the fan then!! I peeled his mask off!!!! OMG!!! I haven’t been here long. I’m still learning myself. My learning has been a big part of my healing from this. No contact with him is the best thing you can do.
soimnotthecrazee1!

Curly,
PS. I wish you didn’t go through this also. Yes it is intruiging, to think that these sickos are all around us waiting for their next prey to come along.

Soimnotthecrazee1,

This experience of men objectifying women to the nth degree was mine as well. Yours would ogle and say you were wrong, mine did the same thing. For 17 odd years he would tell me I’m too sensitive, crazy, paranoid, nobody else sees it, I need to lighten up, it’s not what you think it is, maybe it’s like autism, blah, blah, blah.

I thought I was a horrible person. Overly jealous and passive aggressive because nothing was EVER resolved. It just festered.

He would stare for long periods of time, would act seductive with neighbors, and I would be jealous everytime he talked to an attractive woman. It was because his body language changed and because my friends that were overweight or not as attractive, he would ignore or dismiss.

The only time I felt that he loved me was when we had sex because he was actually engaged, paid attention to me when I was ignored most of the time. He loved sex yet said it is overrated. I think it is the only time he can feel anything. The rest of the time he is play acting.

So I ask myself what is normal when guys look at women? We all notice beautiful people or someone who has a neat outfit on, unusual attire, etc. Men are more visual for sure. BUT staring all the time at butts and boobs, not appropriate. And telling me I’m too sensitive for calling you on it, that’s wrong and not what I want in a mate.

I had to question myself about this so many times. But when I found extra condoms, lesbian porn, young black girl porn, and evidence of phone sex, and most importantly, he could no longer distinguish boundaries with his daughter and I put her in therapy because he was objectifying and hugging her so she felt uncomfortable, Houston-we have a problem!

So, yes, listen to your instincts and not to their objections. We know if it doesn’t feel right, we know the difference between looking at beautiful people and looking at them like they want to get naked. We need to have faith in our perceptions and not let the association with spath ruin it for future relationships!

Curlysue:
“What this guy has done is take away my self belief,my sense of attractiveness and self confidence”..thats a sick thing to do to another person”

Yep. I was 29, slim, happy, pretty and enthusiastic. (And let us not forget, a newly-wed – the marriage only lasted 6 months before he disappeared with all the $ – so we were still supposed to be “honeymooners”) On the actual honeymoon holiday, he seemed more interested in watching the cricket on TV. Back home, I remember being bold enough to hop into bed naked one night, only to be asked why I never wore anythign sexy to bed? WTF? Will somebody please tell me what could be sexier than a new naked wife wearing nothing but a smile, waiting for you when you hopped into bed?

By the time that that spath had finished with me, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. I was ugly, I was too fat, I was too old, I was too boring. Ended up damn near starving myself to death – it was unintentional, I simply lost the will to live and could not see the point in eating. My mum told me later that people would ask her whether I had cancer because of how thin and ill I had become. Afterwards, I vowed that I would never let anyone take me down like that again.

Then, just 5 years later, I ended up with the spath to end all spaths. He made the other guy look like Little Bo-peep… one thing I did stick to though – I never, for one minute bought into his devaluing me and trying to make me think I was faulty. I always argued back and told him it was crap and I wouldn’t stand for it. I never once believed the awful things he said about me – I just couldn’t work out why he was doing it. Eventually, I told him “no more – it’s over” – and I never looked back.

Curlysue:
BTW and completely off the topic, I just have to tell you that I once had the most gorgeous pet lamb called Curly Sue. She was rescued from an abbatoir after being born there and was such a sweetie!

The beat goes on.
My ex is down in Virginia – snuggling and cooing to his “plaything for the weekend” – and is logging daily on the Plenty of Fish website looking for his next gig when he returns back up here to NJ which will be Sunday.

I hold his friend totally responsible for this whole digusting thing. Joe knows what the spath is all about and introduced them.

Is there a way to warn the Virginia babe without looking like a stalker, psycho or jealous ex?

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and handled it in a tactful manner.

Thank you to everyone!

There once was a girl who thought she found the perfect he
But this was not to be
Since she was never to know the real he
For even he did not know the real he

When the DA in VA told me that a man with two wives was punished enough and refused to pursue the bigamy case against a convicted Felon on parole violation whose parole officer told the legal wife “he did bad things to women”, I figured, Virginia’s daughters are open game for these predators and likely have been.

Best thing, don’t date in Virginia! Stay off Plenty of Fish and other than that, have a nice day……

Dear Czarina,

Chances are if you had a video of him raping a Nun it would not matter to the new babe, she is totally hoodwinked to his lies and he would convince her that the whole thing was a set up and he has I am sure already told her about his crazy x (you) and what a POS stalker she is…it is part of the regular smear campaign so that in the event that you were to try to warn her he would have already shown you out to be crazeeeee!

I have had people try to warn me about various psychopaths (not as lovers but as bosses, business partners etc) and I did not listen…I have warned others, and they didn’t listen….I think it is when they have COVERED themselves with the mask we are BLIND even to the truth!~

Silver, that DA story makes my teeth grind! I want to b1atch slap the SOB every time you tell it! LOL

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