Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
Dear Eden,
Being raised in a “safe environment” is wonderful for a child, but it doesn’t teach them much in “street smarts”—-and yes, I think there needs to be a BALANCE there.
Your child would ideally have EMPATHY and COMPASSION but at the same time, not give away their TRUST to everyone they meet. They need some cynical points to look at.
First we are taught in school and by our parents some UN-TRUTHS.
We are taught “There are two (valid) sides to every story”–WRONG there are NOT two valid sides.
“It takes two to fight” NO, IT ONLY TAKES ONE FIGHTER AND ONE VICTIM.
“There is good in everyone deep down.” NOOOOO, THERE IS NOT GOOD IN EVERYONE deep down or anywhere else.
“If you are nice to others, they will be nice to you.” NOT TRUE IN ALL CASES, MAYBE NOT EVEN IN MOST CASES.
The disordered and dishonest persons come on as “good” up front, very loving, kind, etc. and humans naturally start to trust someone who appears at first to be kind and caring, and once that trust is given, it is much harder to take it back.
We need to teach our children that “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior” and that when they have observed bad behavior in others that they need to not give those people a lot of trust for a very long time in the future and only then if the bad behavior is not repeated.
We need to not “make excuses” for people’s bad behavior but to hold them responsible and accountable for it and teach our children the same principle.
The world is NOT a “safe” place, and to give our kids the idea it is is not really preparing them for life in the real world I don’t think, but there does need to be a balance between doubt and trust.
Eden,
yes, the way we see things does change, but we ARE NOT IMMUNE, EVER.
after I realized that I had spent 25 years in fantasy land with a murdering psychopath, I had a dream.
In the dream, I lived in a city with an energy shortage and a population density problem. To solve the population problem all the buildings had been built like MC Escher constructs. I entered a restaurant and there were tables and chairs on the floor AND ON THE CEILING. The magnetic field that had been erected ,created a gravitational force that kept all the people upside down on the ceiling from falling or EVEN PERCIEVING that they were upside down. To each person in the restaurant, it appeared that they were on the UPSIDE RIGHT side. BUT, due to the energy shortage, every once in a while, the power would get cut off and everyone on the ceiling would begin to fall. The tables and chairs were nailed down so, everyone would just HANG ON in order to stay in their seats until the power came back on. People were dangling from chairs and railings. it was intriguing! Then the power came back on and you couldn’t tell anything had ever happened.
LOL. I realized immediately that my brain was telling me that my world had turned upside down and I no longer knew which way was up or correct. There is lots more that can be gleaned or interepreted but that is the core of the meaning, I think.
You probably have the feeling as well, I’m not sure you will ever feel that you are on solid footing again – not like you did when you were naive. At least we have tools to help us navigate this crazy world AND we have each other.
Ox,
I think I’m vacillating about my experience, whether he was what he was or if it was just a me thing. He can’t be THAT bad. He can’t be THAT evil. He DID show some good qualities…blah blah blah…
Those few moments when I know all of this is true, I find a semblence of peace, a flicker of hope. Then I begin to doubt myself.
What this who he WAS or was it just ME because I was the mistress?
I think I know the truth. It’s just very very hard to accept and it all comes with so many consequences, one being that nothing was real. I allowed myself to be exploited and I think now, what is so incredibly painful and triggering about seeing he and gf around town, is NOT that he’s necessarily with someone else, except the sex part, but that everytime he sees me he’ll think “see? Stupid bitch! You couldn’t nail me, but SHE DID, if you’d only been nice to me, I’m so happy with her..and I got away with all I did to you”…
I think the only thing in all of this that is even remotely comforting is that when he’s love bombing he’s not included any bad mouthing of me because I WAS the mistress and it would blow his cover of Mr. Wonderful, I was so abused by my wife stuff.
Something tells me that once I can completely and totally accept what he is without doubt without wavering, the next step will be grieving for all that was lost. He got the best of me. And I’m terribly ashamed of that. He walks around knowing I was had by him and there isn’t shit I can do about it now. Nothing. I gave him the very best of me, believing lies…
Can you say stupid? UGH!
Although the (my) Psychopath is a workplace predator and does what ever he needs to for his own personal gain, and although he had betrayed me in this way, the most disruptive and personally damaging thing he did to me and is now doing to another, is he calculatingly conned me into believing he was existing as a person that he truly is not. He lied his way into my life and manipulated me into believing everything, giving him everything of myself, including intimacy, into silence about what was happening. He told me he was getting divorced and that his wife was abusing him (he gave explicit details). He had told me hundreds of lies, that obviously I had not realized were lies, until it was too late. He has thrown me and many of my real estate associates (friends) under the bus, for his own personal gain, and here is the sickest kicker of all… The manager at my old office (which I had left because of the toxicity, there) has sociopathic tendencies, and although reports have been made by many, to the Coldwell Banker Regional President regarding her destructive behavior and the deterioration of the offices that she manages, the manager has apparently conned and manipulated her authorities into believing that what they hear is incorrect and that the agent’s are possibly just over reacting. She evidently sweeps all “under the rug”, as well. The new manager and K.R. (the predator, perpetrator) are now in cahoots with each other. He reports to her and keeps her informed, and destroys opportunities of others in the office, in the process, and then acquires perks from her, for doing so, such as referral leads, larger desk, bigger commission split, new agents to mentor in which he receives a split of their commission. Most everyone at my former office, now stays away from him and discusses nothing in front of him because they are now aware of his antics, and see or have experienced his abusive, greedy ways. I am still close with several of my former Coldwell Banker associates/friends and have recently attended a few Christmas Parties they have invited me to, and the talk of the parasite is starting to grow. I mostly just listen because I am trying to heal from what he did to me, personally at this point. He is a sexual predator and basically seems to be a true psychopath, in my opinion. He is so skilled at making people believe he is this caring, nurturing, loving, supportive, charitable human being. He went carolling at the elderly home that we go to each year. I had not been involved this year, as I had already moved up the street to a new office/new company. He did it to coherse his new victim. He is not the carolling type. Far from it, actually! He charms his way into people’s lives, but then after several months, he becomes creepy and a completely different person, especially when I had begun to tell him that I didn’t agree with the way I had started to see his treatment of others (as well as me) and how sneaky he had started to seem. He at that point pushed me out of the way to make room for the new (victim), I believe, although I had initiated the end to our relationship. He makes people feel as if they are doing something wrong, misunderstanding him, responsible for his bad behaviors and he twists your thoughts inside and out and sideways. He took all of the trust that existed within me. I gave him all of my trust and he turned out to be pure betrayal. He is out for people’s money and for sex. He used me without any conscience, or remorse for his actions. He conned and manipulated me into believing that he is the most loving, nurturing and caring person. The only validation I have at this point is knowing that other people are now onto him and his behavior and scheming tactics. My closest RE friends G. and E. whom of which are two loyal, admired, well respected, ethical, hard working, sincere, top producing agents at my old office took me to lunch the other day. They brought up K.R. and told me that he is now referred to at the office as “teacher’s pet”, as he is always in the manager’s personal office, looking as if to be plotting or reporting (walls of glass), and now the girl I refer to as his “next victim”, has been seen being preyed upon, in the same way in which I had been, apparently. He seems to choose unsuspecting, good hearted, giving, kind, innocent women. His new victim, I believe is like this. I had met her twice, before leaving the office. My friends that used to be friendly with him for several years have made statements to the affect that he has stayed with his wife only because she has made the bulk of the money for the family, and also will have an inheritance. Apparently he plans to leave his wife however, for his new victim because this particular victim is very well off financially, and can offer him much, monetarily. I have been desperately attempting not to divulge what I know to his wife or his new victim. However, it doesn’t feel right or sit well with me at all. I am confused as to how to carry on in regard to this tug-of-war I have with myself in regard to telling them both. It goes against my true nature not to say anything, and it is truly hard not to feel this tremendous burden of guilt that comes with keeping to myself, the knowledge that I possess, and not stating it to his wife and/or new victim. But I am fully aware of the detrement to my own well being it could cause. I feel as though, by not saying anything, I am showing the Psychopath an obedience of sorts, with what he wishes from me, and see’s as me “protecting” him, which perpetuates and creates negative feelings towards him, for what he has done and continues to do. I know I must continue to think of it as a “learning experience”. This is however, still in the stages of being much more than just that.
Thank you for your wisdom support and any views you may be able to offer me at this time! I do hope my post helps others, as well
Much Love!
You are right to be very careful about what you say. P’s always have an escape hatch ready. He has already slandered you and planted seeds that you are nuts, just in case you do try to out him.
The only thing you can do is plant “counter-seeds”. The only one I can think of is to send (anonymously) books to his wife (the sociopath next door) and to the higher ups, (snakes in suits). Say nothing, only plant seeds and see where they grow.
Dear Eden,
Get the book “Snakes in Suits, when psychopaths go to work” by Dr. Robert hare and another guy (CRS can’t remember 2nd guy’s name.) It is a very good book by two of the best respected experts and researchers on psychopaths in the world and will be a very big help to you professionally.
As a young professional in a business that is cut throat you need all the information and education about people and business that you can cram between your ears!
Sounds like you have made a great start in learning about them, but don’t quit learning—learning should be a life long project.
Telling others about a psychopath (informing a wife, lover etc) many times will BACKFIRE against you and they are very vengeful and quite skilled. I have tried to warn others about psychopaths and until they got burned the people I warned did not believe a word I said. I have BEEN WARNED about them and NOT listened myself, so I’ve been on both ends of that stick.
I suggest at this point in time you keep your mouth shut and YOUR EARS OPEN and educate yourself to the best of your ability about psychopaths and how to spot them. There are hundreds of archived articles here and the books in the LF store are all great! Start reading and read till you get the words into your brain!
Eden
You are ONE SMART COOKIE!!!! I’m reading your story and am amazed at how precisely you pegged this man and your willingness to go with what you KNOW to be true, with everything you’ve seen!
I personally told my POS’s ex wife as well as love bomb prior this one. I was GLAD I did. It had a good outcome for his wife and for love bomb. I found out A LOT of stuff from love bomb that I didn’t know. A LOT. I haven’t spoken to the ex wife for a long time, but I don’t think it’s wise to do that just yet, if ever. She is happy with her new life and she has children with Spath. I’ll wait on that one.
So sometimes it can work out and sometimes it may not at all and Oxy is right, there are plenty of those stories here for you to read about too.
I understand how hard it must be to know whom he is and have great concern about his victims or what have been his victims. It can be VERY validating in some cases. SOME, however, this is a business situation and I think keeping quiet, at least for now, and giving him enough rope to hang himself is SMART!!! I’m hoping that for you, eventually, you will have the opportunity to share with new victim and perhaps wife too. Depends I guess on how much rope he gives himself to hang with.
You’re doing GREAT!!! Again, I’m amazed at your strength and smarts!
Blessings!
Skylar, is it ok that I am dying, laughing reading your description of your dream?! First I will say that I COMPLETELY get it, and it makes perfect and TOTAL sense!! There is something about you that I find I really connect with. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. What an eye opener, and just a perfectly detailed and true-to-the-point comparison. Did you have that realization on your own? What your dream had symbolized? Amazing, really! Thank you!!
Ox Drover, Thank you, as well. Such crucial points. So true. But sad, really! I mean that we do in fact have to go through life thinking in those terms and teaching our children these facts. I do know you are right, it is just hard for me to fathom. I am fully aware that my wonderful (the world is a beautiful, loving, safe place) upbringing conditioned me to perceive things the way in which I have, up until now of course. I think that is why I became so excited when it became apparent that my thinking process had changed because of my unfortunate experience with the Psychopath, and I took the action that I had, in terms of investigating a prospective new client.
Thank you so much for the wisdom you have both offered me on the subject! I will put it to good use, I’m sure!
Eden
Skylar, What great advise!
I love what you say here:
“The only thing you can do is plant “counter-seeds”. The only one I can think of is to send (anonymously) books to his wife (the sociopath next door) and to the higher ups, (snakes in suits). Say nothing, only plant seeds and see where they grow”.
I am absolutely going to take this action. I think it will help both, me and the recipient! This is such a smart way to handle it, I believe. Thank you very much!
E
Skylar,
Just had this thought… I’m sure the Psychopath will know that the book has been sent to his wife by me.
What are your thoughts?
Thank you!
Eden