Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
Lessons learned,
Thank you for pointing out my strengths. I have always had this way of knowing when something hasn’t felt just right or when to leave a situation. However, in the case with the Psychopath, not so much!! It did take 9 1/2 months, which is hugely long for me. But I do know I was so very enticed/seduced by him and his (fake)charm, nurturing ways, etc., etc. Thank you for telling me some of your story, as well! May I ask you what a Love Bomb is? Is that a stupid question? I saw it used once or twice, before but couldn’t quite figure it out. Thanks for you help with this!
Much Love,
Eden
Ox Drover,
Thank you for your sound advise: “Keep your mouth shut and your ears open!” I will continue to move forward in this way. The more I hear this particular advice, the longer I continue to go with it! Thank you for your advice on the book, Snakes in Suits. I wrote it down the other day. I will pick it up this weekend. It looks as though it will be facinating, and I am sure I will find many of the same situations or character traits as the Psychopath I was involved with, possesses.
Skylar, Ox Drover and Lessons Learned,
Thank you for welcoming me with open arms and wonderful advice, and support. I have had some especially hard days this week in my recovery, however, today has been such a good day!! I believe that all of you have had something to do with it, so THANK YOU!! I am off to do some work, but I am hoping I find you all here again at some point, soon!
Till next time…
Eden
Eden, I think the old saying “let sleeping dogs lie” is good advice, because you can poke a stick at a psychopath and they come out fighting.. Believe me, I poked my own psychopathic son and almost died for my trouble as he sent someone to kill me. Not telling you that to scare you, but they do not like “narcissistic injury” to their egos and if we make problems for them, they can retaliate in some of the most unbelievable ways you can’t even imagine or predict.
My guess is that even if you sent a copy of the books to others they would not read them and even if they did and it rebounded on the psychopath, he would KNOW who did it and he would probably retaliate in some way. Is it worth it for some momentary satisfaction? Believe me I have wanted revenge on my son, and revenge is a normal desire after an injury for us and for THEM. So be careful. Another thought that comes to mind is “if you stir chit you get it on you as well.”
Eden, you are entirely welcome. I’m off to the train station for a vacation for a while but I’ll check in from time to time. I’ve been around here long enough to be a “fixture.”
Eden,
you are right and as Oxy pointed out, it can backfire, when you out a sociopath. My exP called the police and suicide prevention line several times pretending to be concerned for my sanity and welfare, when I left him. Before I left him, he had already told everyone that I was suicidal, and “like marilyn monroe” I would kill myself with alcohol and sleeping pills. These are seeds he planted because he intended to slip me an overdose of my own pills. (I had noticed for months that my Lunesta Rx didn’t last as long as it should have. He was stealing them a few at a time, so I wouldn’t notice) When I didn’t kill my self and he wasn’t able to kill me because I left in the middle of the night, he simply changed tactics and used the suicide story as a way to harrass me and to discredit me so that no one would believe the truth about HIM.
But I digress, the only reason I’m telling you this story is so that you NEVER EVER EVER EVER (ADD AS MANY AS YOU NEED) EVER UNDERESTIMATE HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE.
Yes, do what you need to do, but take care of YOU first.
You might go ahead and send the “Snakes in Suits” and various other books to your old company headquarters. But wait on the wife. Stay alert, keep your ear to the grapevine, if an opportunity shows up, stop – think twice – then decide.
As for the dream, I always dream in symbols like that. They are not always so obvious or easy to interpret, but that one was. I have always dreamt like that, I remember since age 4. It might be indicative of the way I think in an abstract way. Throughout the time with my P, there were dreams that I didn’t understand, but it was because I could not/would not allow myself to see the truth about his evil. My dreams were screaming at me to “wake up”.
Eden, How I WISH I had your “knowing” skills!! lol! Good for you!
You are VERY, VERY smart! Love bomb is what the pychopath does when he’s trying to ensnare his victims, in other words, the “honeymoon” stage, flowers, gifts, you’re so wonderful, my soulmate, beautiful, can’t live without you, constant texting, emailing phone calls…in my post when I said love bomb I meant the woman he was doing all these things to prior to her rejection and what he’s doing to the new one two weeks later.
New one bought it. They’re just that good.
Hang in there. You’re going to be just fine!! You’re actually an inspiration! You give me some hope.
Sky,
Your post brings up some very important things I missed.
I have often WONDERED if mine was capable of murder or serious injury. He use to tell me his wife was suicidal. That she threatened to kill herself with a butcher knife and he told her to go ahead and do it. I think he was literally trying to drive her mad.
Then the gun incident with me in the last month we were together. I felt TRULY frightened by it. He didn’t “hurt” me in the sense with the gun…but it showed me that perhaps he was capable of it. It was very random and very spontaneous. It scared the hell out of me.
I don’t know if he’d ever have used it, and perhaps the only fear he wanted to give was that he COULD if he wanted too….but isn’t that enough and sick on its own?
Thank you, Wow… All of you, And thank you tobehappy!!!
tobehappy…I forgot to include you in my words of thanks to all of you, previously! I am so moved by your stories, and how calm, educated and grounded you all seem. Skylar, that is a truly amazing story, regarding your ex and the manipulation tactics, slowly stealing the pills, the phone call about you making a suicide attempt, stealing the pills, the plan and the entire evolution of what happened. So glad that you are alive and well!! You seem to be so incredibly healthy and sane. I truly admire you! All of you!!!
Lessons learned, your situation as well! I don’t feel as though so much attention should be given to me and my situation. What all of you have endured is just incredible. What amazingly strong human beings you are.
Thank you for sharing, and again all of your words of wisdom and sound advice. I know that I am blessed to be here.
Much Love,
Eden
Skylar, I had wanted to mention… In most of my dreams, I have invented new products. I am not sure why. It has gone on for several years. I have recently started to write my inventions down. My parents and my son planted that seed in me. All of my inventions are feasible. I mean there is nothing dream-like about them. They are all things that could be used, in todays world. It is really strange. The other night I invented an amazing tricycle. Weird, right?? Even the color was neat. I do not understand it. But that was not going to be point. I used to have a reaccuring dream that I was in an elevator, as it would be dropping with gravity as if not connected to cables, and it would be falling at angles, so I would not be able to catch my barings or stand in one place for more than a couple of seconds. I had started to go to a therapist for a different reason, but had mentioned this reaccuring dream to her. She said that it symbolized that something in my life was out of control, or that I felt I did not have enough control over something(s). I needed here to explain this. I find it incredible that you were able to analize what happened in your particular dream. That is so cool!
Back to work for now..
Many thanks, again!!
Eden
( Funny; I keep mistakenly start to sign my real name. This is my first time having an alias (SP?))