Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
Dear Eden, please do not take ANY action (sending books or even hinting he might be a sociopath), it will backfire as it will undermine his reputation, and when he finds out who did it (and he will), he can destroy you! Gray rock, and mouth shut and eyes and ears open. This is my recommendation. And back off as soon as possible as far away possible. (been there done that, having done the warning and the grey rock; grey rock was far better)
It is no coward thing, but life- and sanity- saving
Like EB said, be like the snake in the bushes, let the creep pass by several times, and hit when the circumstances are perfect. He will out himself with time, as there will be a bunch of victims along his trail. You can leave it to Karma or the higher power if you will. I work with cancer patients, and these people have a terrible time when they are about to die, believe me. Karma will get to them sooner or later, in my experience. As Matt pointed out: to deal with the Spaths, you better become a Spath (or discover your inner Spath that has been suppressed a LONG time)
And revenge is a dish served cold.
(((Hugs)))
Eden….”God don’t like ugly..”
Let “fate” get him.
I once called my exfiance/socios Xwife, to see if he was really crazy. I caught her off guard and she told me alot of information…he did the same things to her.
Then, a few days later…she called me and threatened to sue me…etc.. She was really angry. I guess I triggered some old stuff in her.
I didn’t know if SHE was going to come after me in some way, since I don’t know her from Adam.
So, just move on and let the cards fall as they will…..
He could be dangerous. Who knows?
Dear whyme,
“Drown in a manure pit” for sure! Perfect example. The “stories” may be his fantasy or wish list, or they could be graphic descriptions of his actual affairs, but the thing is it doesn’t matter, it was all just physical in any case. NO bonding.
There is an article here on LF about the psychopaths being NEITHER gay nor straight, they will just screw anything that someone will hold still for them.
Humans are just animated blow up dolls for them I think.
Just be glad he didn’t give you something penicillin won’t cure!
Oxy,
They are all actual stories. They’re essentially about the sex, but they also go on to describe what was going on with his life at the time, & they all weave into the chronology of his life as he’s always said it was. I know basically that they’re true because they’re the detailed accounts of things he told me when we were first together…..you know, during that period of time after you become intimate, but before you’ve affirmed that you’re actually having “a relationship”….the time when you tell the other person about your previous life & relationships.
As I told my therapist yesterday, I wasn’t terribly shocked by the things he told me then since, as she agreed, we’d “both had *colorful* lives.” He had told me that his wife had had her live-in lesbian lovers, & that they’d often had group sex. He had always told me that his late wife had been “severely bipolar” for the last 9 yrs of her life (before she died of breast cancer), but according to these stories, he knew she was bipolar when he met her when she was 19 & he was about 27. He had mentioned the “barnsman”, the old black man who worked on his grandparents’ dairy farm, but I’d been so taken aback by it that I think I chose to believe that I’d misheard him.
The thing that really struck me (other than the way he described it all so graphically, in terms that I might be shy to use in bed, much less Write Down!) was the obvious resentment he had for his wife, but who he stayed with all that time. He expressed similar, but less, resentment for his other 2 short-time wives, as well. He talked about her discovering that he’d had an affair with an older Chinese “beauty”…..he said, “Divorce was discussed. A compromise was reached. It cost me about $5000 for a horse & a new saddle & some other things she wanted.”
There was also another couple of pages inserted between the “short stories”: 2 typed pages (not legal size) entitled “Psychotherapy”, in which he tries to examine his childhood…..his adoption at 3 mos, & things he doesn’t remember prior to the age of 4…..speculating that things might’ve happened that caused him to be “this fucked up…” wondering if his behaviors might be “psychopathic or psychotic”. He goes on to discount that possibility, saying that all he knows is that he “suspects” his partners’ reasons for being in relationship with him & that they possibly don’t love him for himself…..& that all he wants is “to be loved.” Then he says that he thinks that the reason he stays in relationships as long as he does is because of his “intense fear of separation or rejection.”
My therapist said, “these are bizarre windows into who he really is.” No kidding.
Ox,
I have a question. Last fall, I discovered I have genital warts. The condition is worsening and I’m seeing a Gynecologist for this in the next couple of weeks, having been diagnosed last year by my PC. The first order of business was crysurgery. No go. GOT WORSE. I have done quite a bit of research about this, but understand clearly it’s an STD and that POS gave it to me. I also had a positive pap about three years ago now. I changed my diet, went back in and had a normal pap two months later. I know that with HPV, there a variations of the virus in number assignments. Can genital warts “hibernate” so to speak for years or is this particular HPV something that shows up within months/weeks/days of exposure? Spath used a condom EVERY single time we had sex, but it didn’t mean he was RESPONSIBLE with it. Spillage many times. Falling off,etc.
Dear whyme,
They lie so much, SO MUCH that just because he told you them and wrote them down doesn’t mean a one of them are true….they may be, but his “I just want to be loved” is bull cheet, and his intense fear of “rejection” (rephrase that as LOSING CONTROL over the other before he is ready)
I dont’ think it makes any difference if it is all true or none true, or some where in between, he is one TWISTED SISTER and you are WELL RID OF HIM!!!! Thank you Jesus! Him dumping you was the biggest blessing he did for you!
I think I would start a fire with those twisted dirty pages of his mental manure before they flash into flames and burn your house! LOL What a POS he is!
I think someone called me a gray rock on another thread. Last nite a guy told me I was very unique looking!? I was like is that a compliment or an insult? Somebody give me a hug please…
Whyme….Sounds like his childhood was really messed up. My POS had the same childhood as Ted Bundy…abandoned by his mother..never knew who his father was and still has no idea of even his name….and an abusive grandmother raised him.
How on earth did I think he could be normal? Because he became a cop, was in the air force…and had a college education.
I really think that socios are born with the genetic propensity..but if put into a good environment, they have a chance. But, when they hav eboth against them…they become dangerous to others.
((((Henry))))) Darling you are unique!!! I’m not sure what he was saying, but I know what you look like and you are VERY HANDSOME! Inside and out!
Dear Learned lesson,
Okay, here is my advice about the warts (HPV) that you go ahead and keep your appointment with the ob-gyn and follow their recommendation for treatment. They are a virus and stress can make them worse !!!! (yea, right!!! for sure!!!)
about 90% of the sexually active people between 15 and 35 have them and almost all people with 5 or more life time partners. Condoms slow it down some but it can be anywhere on your body and spread and into your mouth as well.
Some of the varieties of it do cause cervical cancer, so you will need to get paps on a regular basis and DO NOT NEGLECT THIS.
Diet and exercise will help your stress level but they will not help the warts directly or any cervical damage they do. So, just get REGULAR medical consultations and work with your docs.
The “outbreaks” of the warts themselves (and I have seen them as big as the palm of my hand) can be awful, or mild, and it “just depends” so don’t panic.
I would tell any future partners that you have them but since most people who are sexually active already have them you are not likely to be a spreader of the virus. You may have gotten them from the X or years prior to that unless you were a virgin with the X-P.
I strongly suggest safer sexual practices for EVERYONE who is even in a committed, long term relationship and TESTING prior to ANY sexual activity with a new partner at least twice over a 3 month period of time since the last sexual activity with another partner for either partner to make pretty sure that any diseases have time to “show up” on lab tests.
LL….they are curable if removed. My g/f had them in her early twenties…they cause a “dysplasia” …precancerous cells if not removed. She had them “frozen” off and never had a problem since. People can carry the virus with no symptoms…scary.