Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
Ox Drover
Tobehappy,
Sorry to differ with your opinion on this, They can be removed but NOT “CURED.” Dysplasia is an early form of cancer, they can show up as cervical cancer even many years later. That is why it is VERY important to keep current on PAPs.
Here is a link to the Centers for disease control information about HPV http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm
hens
Thank you Oxy – 5 or more partner’s? OH MY>>>>>>>>I better go get a PAP…
lesson learned
tobe,
As I’m reading these discoveries that these wonderful women/men have had here about their ex’s I’m finding that mine are VERY few. I can prove NOTHING, and it dawned on me that the little tidbits I got, were things he had done to me and had done to his ex wife or last love bomb, but the set up he gave me of how pure he is in that he is FAITHFUL or COULD BE WITH THE RIGHT WOMAN, still screws me up emotionally. I”M STILL BELIEVING THE LIE!!!!
He was MEAN and CRUEL to me, but I had to put pieces together of all the rest.
What makes this MORE frustrating is I think OX is right I’m hooked on the LABELING now too! He wasn’t a criminal, he has NEVER been in legal trouble (as far as Iknow but who knows?) He is in MASSIVE debt, was trolling women who had money,including last love bomb, but that was just CIRCUMSTANTIAL! I could not “Prove” that was his motive.
I become VERY frustrated with this because these big discoveries are things I didn’t get about him. He still carries on in his nice home, his job, joint custody of his kids, etc. Mr. Wonderful! Such BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The BEHAVIORS ARE INDICATIVE OF A SOCIOPATH. I can glean that from the way he interracted with ME, how I SUSPECT he interracted with his ex. He FITS the profile to a T, except without the prison record and parasitic lifestyle although he may be hitting up women with money now, given his irresponsible spending habits and massive amounts of DEBT. I could NEVER figure out where all this money is coming from??? I don’t know HOW he could do all of that without doing something ILLEGAL to get it.
I’m having a tough day today………..again. Everyday, I get up and tell myself it will be a better day. Yesterday, was doable, but the day before I was a mess. I’m afraid to run into POS anywhere. What is SO WEIRD about all of this, is that I was SO DONE with the relationship, so tired of his SHIAT! The demands the abuse,I WAS SO DONE and I was making excuses not to see him. Integrating into my mind that this man is NOT going to change is the hardest part for me. He set me up to believe that I was the issue and that if the right woman comes along, I didn’t make him happy, I made his life hell (He uses this crap about his ex wife to this day!!), his constant, incessant WHINING, lying, blaming, projecting….he did it to me CONSTANTLY.
I’m PISSED that I”m stuck in this place when I don’t WANT TO BE!!! I”M SO FRUSTRATED!!!
Just for today, just for right now, I’m angry, vacillating to denial, bargaining. I’m exhausted from it all. Was that FOR REAL? I didn’t trust my instincts when I was in it and I don’t trust it when I’m out of it. It seemed to me the the MORE I went back, the SICKER of him I got, even though it appeared to be getting more and more emotoinally even physically/sexually dangerous. That was something I just FELT, nothing more.
Just for today, for right now, I’m frustrated and hurting.
I’m angry at him, angry at me and I’d give ANYTHING to have the outright proof that alot of the posters here have had the validate the MASSIVE amounts of lying, cheating that was going on. There IS something to be said for that stuff. There really is.
Part of me knows the truth. But part of me still believes the picture he painted of Mr. Wonderful who just didn’t get it rigth with first two ex wives and now me too.
super chic
Well Oxy, I read you list… sounds like I dodged a bullet
(whatever happened to the poster that went by that name?)
hens, I believe “unique” is a compliment!!!!! ((HUG))
Ox Drover
Henry get a “MAN-O-GRAM” WHILE YOU ARE OUT THERE GETTING YOUR PAP! That’s where they put your private parts between two pieces of cold sheet metal and SQUEEZE like a mammogram for women’s breasts!
aussiegirl
Lesson –
“want to apologize to everyone…selfish mode right now…things about myself that are so distressing. My emotions are somewhat shut off… lost alot of my empathy. …when I post, meaning to assist someone…I’m somewhat shut off, … obsessing on what happened so much, trying to make sense of it, my brain is scrambled eggs right now.”
No apologies are necessary friend. x. One word (acronym, actually) – PTSD. It is as simple (and as difficult) as that. Please don’t beat yourself up. All in time; let it pass and see where it takes you; you will not stay where you are, I promise you. xx
“vacillating about my experience, whether he was what he was or if it was just a me thing. He can’t be THAT bad. He can’t be THAT evil. He DID show some good qualities””
We all did this. It wasn’t any of us and it is not you either. Of COURSE he showed some good qualities – how else would we be attracted? After all, we are NICE people and we LIKE good qualities in ourselves and others. The things that make us nice are the very things they use to “hook” us in; you need to remember that none of it was REAL. They study, assess and MIRROR BACK to us what they know we most cherish.
What do you bait a mouse-trap with? Things mice EAT or things that they DON’T EAT?
“I find a semblence of peace, a flicker of hope. Then I begin to doubt myself.”
Normal. A stage. Hold onto the “flickers” – they get bigger and start to last for longer.
“What this who he WAS or was it just ME because I was the mistress?”
HIM. You are letting your guilt (a good sign of a decent person, by the way, to feel remorse for actions that cross your own moral code, so pat yourself on the back there) cloud your picture of him.
Think of it like this: when you look in a mirror, you see a reflection. Spaths “reflect” back at us what we cherish. How wonderful it would be to look in the mirror every day and see ourselves looking our best! Hair shiny, eyes smiling, skin smooth….these are the things the spaths “reflect” back to us; they do this by “love-bombing” us into feeling the best we’ve ever felt. In effect, they are holding up a mirror to us, blinding us to the reality of who they truly are.
What happens when we turn a mirror over and look at the back of it? We see NOTHING. NOTHING is reflected; NOTHING is behind the mirror. That’s where the spath was hiding – in all of that NOTHING. They are empty, cold, black, vaccuous holes in space. They have no shadows, no reflections and no echoes, because nothing they showed us was real.
It makes no difference whether we are black, white or orange; straight, gay or “a-“; tall, short or medium; man, woman or child; Mother Teresa, a “fallen” woman/man, or someone who occasionally makes mistakes. NONE of it matters, because it is NOT US!!!! It is them.
Eden –
About Sky’s suggestion to posts her a book – exactly what I was about to suggest, with the qualifier – that you wait a while. Give it enough time that it could have come from any one of several people. And have it posted interstate.
I understand the urge to warn and help, but self-preservation needs to be your main priority here.
WhyMe –
You poor, poor girl! I feel so very sad for you; yet so very glad that you are now OUT from under this monster’s spell.
Stay well clear. This person sounds about as DANGEROUS as they ever come. x
tobehappy
Wow OXY….I thought if the future paps were ok..it was cured. I’ll have to send her the link. She is 47 now…had it at 23. Never had a problem since then. Hmmm thanks.
dancingnancies
Hens, it goes away.
Source : http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Cancer/Q145923.html
The ISSUE is when you have a persistent strain of HPV… THAT’s when it becomes a problem. It is NOT for life. Viruses absolutely CAN be eliminated from the body, your immune system has macrophages for a reason. Antibodies are what help your body to “recognize” them lest you come in contact ( with that strain again ) and thus keep you “immune” from that particular strain ( thank you microbiology!). Keep in mind there are over 100 strains of HPV and clinical studies have shown they go away in 70% of people the 1st year… and 90% of people the 2nd year. EVEN high risk HPV ( The non-wart causing kind )
It is an ISSUE if it is persistent HPV.
The lifetime likelihood of getting HPV is 80%… most people get it and clear it and never know they have had it. Do NOT stress about it! You’ll be fine.
If any one wants the link to the CLINICAL STUDIES that have been done let me know, because I can find them again if need be. There are many misconceptions about HPV going around.. the notion that all viruses cannot be eliminated completely from the body is a MYTH. There are many different types of viruses. The notion that HPV is forever is absolutely unsubstantiated by research.
hens
hmm maybe he said antique – my hearing is bad
LL I am so sad that your analyzing the crapola out of all this when I know you know what went down..Stop beating yourself up…I think there is something else going on with you that is bringing all this bull chit back to the surface. I know if I saw my X I would be traumatized – but a duck is a duck….I think more of meeting someone else these days, someone real..maybe it wont ever happen but I am so glad to be able to think of being with someone else….instead of when I used to think he was the one….he messed up when he f–ked with me…I can do better and so can you…now get ahold of yourself HUGZ…
Eden
lessons learned,
In response to your request to know more about my experience and how he hooked me in. It was a bit of a long proccess, but I will try to describe it within an itemized list:
1. Smiled at me constantly (in somewhat of a sly way, now
that I think about it)
2. He heard me tell someone that I needed some assistance
with a listing I was taking, and immediately offered his
help.
3. Came and sat down next to me (and that went on for days).
4. He acted very sweet sensitive, child like, nurturing (he was
a seasoned agent and I had only worked with Buyer’s
previously, so he was my teacher, so to speak).
5. He was giving of his time at the office.
6. Took me to lunch, frequently.
7. Started to tell me about his personal life, Kids, he and wife
GETTING DIVORCED. What sports he played in high school.
what sports his kids played.
8. Enquired about my life, family, hobbies. Of course he told
me he liked to do some of the same things as I, so we
“should get together, sometime”.
9. One day began to tell me how abusive his wife had always
been towards him. He was so good at it! I truly felt terrible
for him and what he (supposedly) had gone through.
10. Started to tell me how pretty he thought I was, and that he
was attracted to me “because of my heart”.
11. Told me how easy I was to be with, and how much he
enjoyed my company.
12. Started to ask me out to dinner. I accepted and we went
first night to dinner and a movie, held hands.
13. When he dropped me back at my car at the office, he
proceeded to kiss me, His kiss was incredibly passionate
(it seemed).
14. Each day sitting next to me at my desk, rubbing his leg
against mine, stroking my legs with his hands. He just
had this way of knowing how to touch me, some how.
While sitting with me he would constantly tell me how
smart I was, and how he was so attracted to my good
heart. Yadee Yadee Yadee…
15. Started going back to my place after our evenings out
although, he never stayed past midnight, or sometimes
a bit longer. Need I say what we were doing while at my
home. He was very good at what he did, as I have read
that most Psychopaths are. Very passionate, sensual.
There was definite bonding going on, for me. Of
course, I did think there was for him, as well, but
obviously not. He wasn’t really so much into saying he
loved, me but rather, how beautiful I was, how sensitive
I was, how much he loved being with me, holding me,
being close to me, how good I made him feel, etc, etc.
16. For some reason he would tell me he wanted to take me
shopping, which was strange, as I never gave him the
idea that this was something I wanted to do with him.
17. Told me he “grew to feel love for me” and that he was
“seeing me exclusively”. But I think this was after the
first time I had questioned his motives and intent?
This is a list of what occurred during the time he was hooking me in. Nothing more, as I am sure you are able to tell. I feel like I have possibly forgotten a few things. If anything additional comes to me, I will write further. I hope this helps you, lessons learned.
Is it possible for you to tell me where the thread is located that has that particular topic being discussed? I would be very interested in knowing. I do appreciate it.
Eden