Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
well, the stare, like they are sizing you up,
with their shark eyes,
the spath stare, i’ve read about it on here somewhere,
several times
but my sister is coming over and I have go go..
i hope somebody chimes in here, i can’t remember right now
how to describe it.
Many of us think that finding the right partner will complete a missing part of ourselves, finally making us feel whole. We also believe that the ideal lover will reveal the meaning of life to us. But each one of us has the potential to feel whole and fulfilled from within ourselves to the extent that we can develop our competence in self-love, self-protection, self-care, self-containment. In adition, each one of us searches for and eventually finds the meaning of life for ourselves, rather than looking to our partner to reveal it to us. Our lives are ours, our partner’s life is his or her’s. No one can give us the ultimate answers for our own lives.
I came across this video of Ted Bundy on eyes for lies the other day and was taken aback when i saw his eyes gaze into the camera at the beginning 1 second of the video clip shown here : http://blog.eyesforlies.com/2009/06/ted-bundy.html
If you miss it just rewind it back to 0.00 and press play. Even pause it at 1 second if you need a better look ( edit : somewhere between 0 and 1 second he holds the stare ). THAT look is the one i remember from the P i was involved with. When i saw that video of Ted Bundy, i was so shocked.
LL, just read your long post. I get what you feel – I wonder those things too.
Mine stalks my friends and church community, so I have to be careful what events I rock up at. Sometimes he organises is such that I get invited so he knows I am going to be there.
The next thing I have to brace myself for is him moving in next door. Great times ahead.
oh, here is something Donna wrote on the “how to spot a con” red flags page: “Typically, when people talk to each other, they look each other in the eyes and then briefly look away. Sociopathic con artists often exhibit a “predatory stare”—unblinking, fixated and emotionless. It’s not a sign of empathy—it’s an effort to assert control.
I think they are also trying to figure us out, what our weak spot is, what they can take advantage of.
Hens
I just realized while reading another thread, that hit me SO hard, and in the right place because the tears began to flow….
I’m grieving the loss of HIM from my life, this isn’t just a temporary thing and he’s going to come back anymore. He won’t. I know that. It’s the loss of what he symbolized to me. I fear life without him now. I have no idea what to do because his discard took all my hopes and dreams down the street to gf’s house. 🙂
I didn’t even like him Hens. He was abusive mean and cruel. He was like talking to a brick. He wasn’t intellectually stimulating for me at all. He was boring. It was always about him and most of the time, the alcohol, his job, his life his his his…most of the time, there wasn’t anything to say. He was vaccous, empty…and I was with him..I held onto whatever was left of scraps that were fed to me….any hope that he would toss my way that I didn’t have to face the fear of life without him even though I wanted life without him. I’m seeing that my efforts at independence and not giving into his demands were my way of separating myself from the dream he held for me with the mirror and what, somewhere inside me,I knew I could do on my own. Now that it’s real, I feel broken. I can’t help but feel that someone else will have the dream I held onto for ten years…that I had it then it slipped out of my hands…I was never the one, was never going to be the one to land him…ever. Someone else always did. That is my fear, facing life without him now. Fearing someone else will have the dream that was elusive to me….but knowing the truth in that I had hopes that he would rescue me from my fear of pondering the universe and myself completely alone for the very first time in my life. But I was always alone anyway….he just helped me FEEL that I wasn’t “alone”…but even with him, I still was…
Tonight, I took down the mirror that he bought for me that hung in my bedroom. He bought it for HIM because he enjoyed watching himself have sex with me. I was sickened every time I saw it, but tonight…….I was able to take it down and say goodbye to it….the way I was not able to say goodbye to him…now my son has it and what is left on the wall are a few huge nails that POS put into the wall to hold it there…….
I’ll think about what I will replace it with. The mirror he held up for me, is now gone……….
Did anyone here hear their spath tell them this sentence towards the end of your relationship
“I just want to be loved. You don’t love me and I just want to be loved”.
This wounded the hell out of me, after all of the years of love I gave him…….
I told him each time he said it, “I did love you, POS”…
“no you don’t”, he’d say. “I just want to be loved, I want to be happy”….
I couldn’t see this as a projection and it always bothered me to hear this out of him. When I told him, “I think this is a projection, POS, I think it’s the other way around, you didn’t/don’t love me”…he’d say “I always loved you, I will always love you, it was you that just didn’t accept it”………
Wow………
LL – It’s so ironic isnt it, wanting someone that was so bad for us, so toxic to our souls, I still think of my X, prolly always will. There is something so unatural about these relationships, from the beginning it was off but we stayed in there with hopes of a good outcome. I think so much of it was/is our lonliness, our misdirected childhoods. I refer to my X as my big life lesson, turned my world inside out and upside down and i was forced to look at me.. Would of been nice if that dream were true but it wasnt, we have to let go Learn, we are holding on to empty air, they became the flesh of our dream, fantasy’s, they reached into our souls with evil, not with love.. Learn your not any different that most of us, your heart was broken, but because of him I realized my heart was broken before I ever met him and he knew it and used that knowledge to manipulate and play with my head.. Learn take that mirror out of your house and throw it away, pull those nails out and paint over them..love your self – the dreams we had will never be the same, make new dreams….I have….I am so like you tho – I know where your coming from but it’s not going to get us anywhere holding on to the past…I really believe they are not capable of love but we are…
LL….you don’t want him. You just want a relationship.
If you work on YOU..get healthy and happy again, you will attract the right person into your life.
Lie down, take deep breaths, close your eyes and picture yourself looking and feeling great with a great man next to you…..
You will attract that into your life…someday
Time to grab yourself up by the bootstraps…imagine he is dead..your life would go on…..
You can do it!!!! HE is the loser…he lost you!!!
You lost a sneaky lying disordered man.
ARENT YOU WORTH MORE THAN THAT???
Hi LL
you said he discarded you. I thought you dumped him – that is after his divorce when he was with you, he started his usual deeds, mean abusive to you and then he was wooing his old high school friend who dumped him in 3 days or so.
So, you got rid of him, right. I think that is a very major step, you were the one to say "no more – enough is enough".
yes, we grieve the loss of our dream but the reality of being with him would have been even more painful – slow torture.
you said – I think it’s the other way around, you didn’t/don’t love me—he’d say “I always loved you, I will always love you, it was you that just didn’t accept it——
After reading a lot of posts and archives here – I think S consider love and devotion as wanting to hold onto a possession. we are their possession – like a good utility item – with no expiry date – meaning that all that he would do to us – lie, cheat. abuse, he will still come back to us. That we should accept it all and be receptive to it all and feel grateful that he selected us to be his possession. it is like I have several pieces of furniture in my house, i may get rid of some after a while, but maybe a particular piece – I would like to possess it forever. He wants to possess us forever – the one who he konws will accept abuse, crap, all his lies as at the end of the day – we still want that dream.
He knows that – so when we get fed up of the crap and say no more – he says – you do not love me.
then he says – I will love you forever – meaning I will keep you as my possession for ever – beat you, abuse you, lie, cheat, deceive – but still I will want to possess you and you will get some crumbs of my affection (the dream you wanted) every now and then when I have no where else to go.
This i what I think, does it make sense. maybe some posters can give their views.
LL – be strong – I am reading all your posts and you are in my prayers. Have not been posting much as I have lot to prepare at work and want time to digest all the advice given here.
petitie