Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
I can’t believe any of this is happening to me!!! I was with the “perfect man for me” for 18 months. We had a relationship that involved our kids (one mine & one his) We worked together and seemed to everyone to be a great couple. Then 2 months ago I caught him cheating, He tried (half heartedly) to convince me he wasn’t for about 5 days, then he gave up and said ” I told you where I was, you don’t believe me, I’m not gonna stand for these accusations..were over..If you call me or text me I will be forced to contact the police” That’s it?? after 18 mo. of playing family. I did get him back by posting him on playersandpsychos.com and mysteriously over 200 fliers showed up one night on every telephone pole for miles around the hospital where he works. The fliers directed people to the website and said he was “a cheater”. Well his new target saw the fliers and supposedly dropped him like a hot potatoe. Now if you google his name, it directs you to the website, so I definitely made it harder for him to play women. But in the two weeks after catching him, He lied to police about me, making me look terrible. Then he lied to our employer, being partially responsible for getting me fired (they wern’t happy about the fliers either) Then and this is the worst…He lied to get a restraining order against me…this is seriously screwing up me finding a new job…I’m an EMT who now can’t go to this hospital.. I tried to get it terminated, but as I tried to convince the judge he lied, the judge said “you still sound angry” I said “I’m angry that he lied”, the judge turned to him, smiled and said “I’m upholding the order”. This man is desroying my life with his lies, ofcourse I’m upset!!! I am still in the phase where I’m absorbing all of this. I was so completely fooled. He was into seriously kinky porn & sex, He let me in on that in the beginning and I was willing to play his games with him. But then toward the end he didn’t seem to mention any of the kinky stuff, The sex had become boring to both of us (ofcourse he still kept playing me & screwing me). I now wonder just how bad it was…How many other women?? How many of his female “friends” were sex partners?? I wonder if he’s crusin the web?? I think he’s bi-sexual I wonder the extent of all that??? How could he seem like such a normal, down to earth guy??? How could this be happening to me?? I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust anyone again!! Could someone tell me how long it’s gonna take to get over this pain, shock and heartbreak???? If I ever will. God help me and every other woman who’s gone through this.
God, did this guy have me fooled.
We had been friends for years before he pursued me romantically. I was in no way interested. But he wore me down.
To make a long story short, he had major sexual issues. In the beginning, he was impotent with me. Then he revealed that he had had a four-year affair with a married woman prior to getting involved with me, and he attributed his problems to feeling like he was cheating on her! (I found out later on that he had initially dated her teenaged daughter. At the time, the daughter was 19; he was 53.)
As time went on, he confessed to having a really bizarre sexual past, complete with group sex, threeseomes with a buddy of his and yet another married woman he had had an affair with, etc. In the end, he tried to talk me into a threesome with another woman.
Ironically, he continued to have sexual problems with me. Although he overcame his impotence, he could not ejaculate when he was with me. Once again, he attributed this to still having feelings for that married woman. He also would throw it up to me that he never had such problems with her (which made me feel awful).
I ultimately realized that he was just using me to make that married woman jealous; he also was using me for sex (among other things).
What truly confused me was that this guy was and is very well-liked by virtually everyone. He is very quiet, mild-mannered and pleasant. I can’t believe he turned out to be this way!
Wow How true this post is!! The 1st time I wrote on 10/18 I got off topic, It’s clear to me I was still in shock, it had only been just over a month… Now about this blog.. . It is so true, My ex was big time into porn, too. Some seriously out there kinky stuff. Also into BDSM, and had more sex toys than I’ve ever owned total. Also mentioned interest in group sex, his fantasy was to see me with another female. I played his BDSM games with him, and honestly enjoyed pleasing him in that way. I told him I’d have to be alot more secure in our relationship before I’d even think about bringing another person into it, that never happened (thank God). He did take some pictures, they’re probably on the internet. But I tell you, I miss his sex so much, to this day!! When I caught him cheating, that is one of the main reasons I got so mad, I was furious to think, he was just gonna go on to someone else. Probably why I made such a point to break them up!! I still miss his sex, and the way it felt to be in his arms. I hate him for not being the man he made me think he was!!
HIya Awolf56
Your post has hit a very raw nerve with me.
I read your story and I could have almost written that myself. I met the most wonderful guy last Oct and things were great….or so I thought.
It was really strange with him though as from the first time we had sex things just werent right ( if you know what I mean). He would take ages to ejaculate,if at all,had to do it in certain positions and if I moved when he was enjoying himself look out. I also had the excuse of him feeling he was cheating on his ex wife,even though they hadnt lived together for a year.I also felt that there was no really emotional connection with him whilst having sex,it always left me feeling cold somehow.
After the first 3 months or so things went downhill even further. He still couldnt ejaculate on times, but to make it even more degrading for me we would start having sex and then a few minutes later he would just stop and say he’d had enough and if I challenged him on this he would give me the evil look or worse still just get dressed and leave.
This guy seemed like the most perfect person for the first 3-4 months. He’d call and text all the time,always just as I woke up in the morning and last thing at night ( he worked nights). He would bring me flowers,cook,do things around the house etc. He even trusted me with his cards and money….not that he had alot mind as he seemed to scrounge off me for alot of the time.We would always hold hands whilst out and I always had a kiss off him when I saw him,but any other really affection such as cuddles was sadly lacking.
I helped him move into his own house,gave him alot of my old things and even went around to collect furniture etc for him.
The worst thing about this relationship is the fact I got very close and attatched to his two daughters. They were fab and we bonded from the first time we met,so not only has he broken my heart but theirs too,not that he cares eh !!
I found texts to another woman in April,this turned out to be someone who had shown him around a house he was thinking of renting. The texts were disgusting for most part,very sexual and descriptive of things he wanted to do to her. The funny thing is I asked him on numerous occasions to try different things ,positions etc and he wouldnt…..so these texts just didnt ring true to what I was experiencing with him. Once I confronted him about this he told me hed text her and told her to delete his number and he would do the same. Oh what a stupid fool I was to believe that would happen !!
Anyway fast forward to end of July. i went to collect his daughters whilst he was in bed and his ex wife confronted me. She told me all about his past,his lying,stealing from work and selling goods and the fact hed lost his previous job through stealing. I also found out he’d been involved in mortgage fraud in his early twenties.
I obviously confronted him about the above facts and he did sort of hold his hand up to some of it…but no way would he about the present situation as he had already told me a lie about what was happening with things he was selling and where they came from. He went underground and practically ignored me for a week or so apart from a few texts. I then received a text off him to say when can I bring your stuff back. He did do that and during that short time he was here he looked at me like he hated me with a passion.
The end of that week I received a letter through the post from him apologising for hurting me so much and saying he needs to be on his own and how he will always hold a special place in his heart for me…..does this ring true??
I found out from his mother a couple of weeks ago that hes been seeing the woman I caught him texting since we split up,so I suspect he never stopped texting here and was even meeting her behind my back…..I’m guessing thats normal behaviour for someone who you suspect of being a sociopath. The other thing his Mum told me was they had kicked him out of the house at 16 for lying,stealing and generally being disruptive……so would you all consider those to be the early signs of this condition??
I am so confused by his actions at the begining of the relationship to the end that its left me in pieces. I am seeing a counsellor and also discussing with my doctor about anti-depressants. I am a strong,independant woman who holds down a great job that is paid well……I do not understand how this person who I loved and tried to help could leave me feeling so emotionally damaged. The person I thought he was obviously didnt really exist and it was all an act….but what a cruel thing to do to another human being. I really wish you all luck and hope we can hodl each others hands through this madness.
Could you guys who have maybe gone through a similar experience give me some insight into why I feel this way and how I can help myself.
Don’t look for truth in what he says and does. There isn’t any.
Ultimately, the story doesn’t matter because nothing he said or did was true.
Its a tough pill to swallow.
You have irrefutable evidence of his behavior.
A counselor is good. Very helpful. EMDR therapy is helpful. And time.
The only thing you can understand is that there was something terribly wrong with this person. And that what you believed to be true was false. He lied. You didn’t.
One day, you will look back and know his departure was your good fortune even though it may not feel like that right away. Yes, the early signs. It all adds up.
What helped me most was to stop trying to make sense out of it all. I found Ekhardt Tolle (The power of NOW) very helpful.
And the wonderful community here. Don’t know what I’d have done without it.
will be right here….
Dear Curlysue,
YOu have been slimed by a psychopath,, my dear—totally self centered, all for themselves, WILL NOT CHANGE–total LIARS, cannot tell the truth…no responsibility to anyone–may have a great family, kids, etc. but they are the “black sheep” and do nothing but cause lies and pain with their betrayals.
Sex with anyone is just masturbation with a partner–you are just like a warm blow up doll…no connection above the animal act.
Keep on going to therapy! You are NOT alone, but arm yourself with knowledge so you can avoid the next one that comes along and learn that you do not deserve to be treated like this by slime like him!
Welcome to LF and keep on learning. Knowledge i s power!
Curlysue, for me… the betrayl has been what hurts the most, like you said… “it was all an act”, and I started thinking about some of the other fakers I had been in relationshits with and I felt like I hit a brick wall at 90mph when I realized how evil people can be, it took me awhile to get it. Then I started looking at myself and how could I be in love with a fantasy who threw red flags in my face that I ignored? It has been a metamorphosis for me, I’m the one that has to change and it’s been tough, like someone pulled me inside out from the top of my head, it’s a journey, a healing journey of me. They are predators living in their human shell pod. I still think about him a lot, which doesn’t help. Yes, we will all hold hands through this!! This is a wonderful website, many caring, loving people, I have learned a lot about THEM… but more about MYSELF and how to protect myself and love myself.
Why do these men even exist? I don’t get it. It is the most awful pain to know you’ve been taken, and later learn that we were mere objects of their masturbation and that was all.
Very sad for those they affect.
🙁
Thank you all for your support.
I suppose as you said trying to make sense of something where there isnt any sense is the hardest thing.
I agree with you guys that I have to now look after myself and love myself before I can completely heal from this. The worst thing that hes taken away from me is my confidence and self esteem,but I also know I will never let this happen again once I’ve got the knowledge to move on from this terrible episode.
Its really hard trying to discuss this with alot of my friends as they dont understand completely how I feel as its never happened to them. Its like some exclusive club we’ve all been invited to.
My friends are just saying hes an a***hole forget him…..we all know that much but they dont get the extent of whats happened inside the relationship to make me feel this way. Nothing I’ve ever experienced before compares to this misery.
Dear Curlysue,
Yep, your friends do NOT get it, but knowledge=power, so learn. There are over 700 articles here (go back through the ones by subject or author as the monthly archives only goes back a year) and READ them ALL. Just the articles to start with, but all of them. You will start to learn about them but end up learning about yourself as well. Why they did this, what they are, the signs to spot one, and why you let yourself get so deeply involved. It is a healing PROCESS not just a “get over it.”
Glad you found your way here! this is a great site to learn and heal. again, Welcome!