Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
it’s full of spaths here!!!! OMG!!
OK!! I guess everbody is in dreamland!! That’s where a I need to go soon. It sure is nice to see people not needing support, that means there is peace. Thank God!
Soimnotthecrazee1!
Sweet Dreams to all and Peace!!
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does that NOT surprise me????
I gotta go nite nite chica. If you can try to get on tomorrow night, maybe even a little earlier? LOL…you’re so silly! You brighten my day and who doesn’t need a few rays of sunshine on a cold icky day!!! If I don’t see ya then, I’ll see ya sometime soon!!!
Nite nite chica!
S1 LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, PEEEEEEEEACE!!!
LL….I just want to say that I understand how you feel. I didn’t want the liar in my life anymore….I was tired of fooling myself…choosing to blieve his words instead of what I knew was true….he was sneaky and lying all along. He became so obvious after awhile…slipping up…..saying “umm” when he was lying….forgetting things he told me before…he was NOT even a good liar. lol
But, I ignored signs…because I was living in a fantasy that he was so in love with me. I needed that at the time.
The first time I told him it was over, it was difficult. I was missing the fantasy that I had a man in my life who adored me…but, deep down, I knew that I was in love with a man who didn’t exist.
So I had to face the reality of the situation…
In time, day by day, I stopped looking back, stopped thinking of him…and started looking forward. I got busy with other things…with life….kept busy and kept focusing on a new future…a new life.
Now, when I think of him, I don’t feel anything but disgust. I can’t really explain it…but I don’t love him anymore…and I’m certainly not “in love” with him. I don’t even like the person that he is…he is NOT a good person. So, I lost respect for him and I don’t want to have any type of relationship with him. I don’t want him in my life at all.
You will reach this place someday.. I promise.
Another thing, LL, is to bring some new good people into your life. You aren’t expected to do this alone. Being here is one of the best things you did. We all need support when we have gone through a “tragedy”.
I immediately contacted a domestic violence center nearby and began one to one counselling twice a week. I reconnected with some old friends who I knew would understand. I also cut out people who didn’t ..who were trying to help me with” tough love”, which was to tell me to “move on” and don’t be so trusting of people next time. I didn’t need to hear that…I just needed someone to listen to me and let me vent…and show compassion for me. My neighbor who is like my mom…didn’t say things like…”i told you so”…(even though she saw what he was all along). Instead, she listened to me and pampered me with kindness. She saved my life.
So, its important not to isolate too much after a few months..and, as hard as it is..to venture out again…
I joined a gym and met people to talk to and have some fun conversations with. Lite stuff. Distracted me.
So, finding support is important. I went on Meetup.com and found some activities to go to. Had to force myself not to sit home and isolate…but it worked…baby steps of course.
Also, whenever I got into the shower…I would scream at my X’s and vent how I felt! VERY healing….as long as noone could hear me…lol they may have locked me up if they heard me! I read that this is very helpful…in the car….in the shower…simply tell that person how you feel…it works to vent.
Just some advice on what worked for me. I was determined to overcome this. I got myself into it somehow…and I was going to dig my way out. I did it. You will too.
tobe,
Thank you for sharing what worked for you 🙂
I’m having to learn self care, but what works for me on my own. Something I’ve never really thought about before. Being MINDFUL of myself is one of those things. What do I need RIGHT NOW? Well, I need to take baby steps. Isolation works for me to an extent right now so I don’t have to SEE him around just yet. Today, my daughter and her BF and I are going grocery shopping…at a store that exPOS and I both go to often. He will be at church this morning and his children will be coming this evening for “his week” so I feel safe going out into the community for a bit today. I have a close friend that works at this store. I’m excited to see her. She understands psychopaths. She was married to one early on in her life. She is now and has been, married to a wonderful man now, for over twenty years. She is a remarkable individual. I met her just this last year through another friend. She’s a healthy person. I have several friends from school that I connect with on a daily basis through FB. I’m planning to have lunch with one of them soon. They are ALL healthy people. I don’t have any toxins left in my life anymore. They are all gone now. With school, I have a lot of work to keep me busy for a lifetime LOL! I”ve not done much of it the last couple of days, but I have gone in and attended to business for the sake of keeping up. I have one class with one assignment and exam I must do today, but that’s a cinch 🙂 I’m really glad that overall, my classes are a breeze compared to Anatomy and Physiology last term. That’s about all I can bare right now.
I’m making decisions, some that make me feel just horrible because of my heart for some things. I had two children I cared for a few years ago as a Foster mom. Their mother has dumped them again. One of the children was here last night. The stress is unbelievably obvious. It kills me to see her this way and as well as she and her brother are close and are just bunking up at friends houses until they can figure out what to do. She is sixteen, he is seventeen. While my heart aches for them, I can’t have them live with me right now. On the one hand it feels heartless, on the other, it feels freeing, ONLY because I know I am in no way healthy enough to care for them adequately. The state will not take them because there is no place to place them in foster care. They are two children who have fallen through the cracks. My heart just aches for them. I feel as though I’m letting them down. But I can’t do what I can’t do right now.
Sometimes taking care of yourself means you can’t take care of others until you CAN take care of yourself. I’ve put one distraction and drama into my life over another to distract myself from my pain, to be. This time, that can’t happen.
I’ve screamed and cried in my car lol!! I’ve talked to my ex in my car, conversation with him, I try not to cuss my brains out, but out it comes anyway. I hope God understands!!!
Self care…….we are suppose to have a winter storm in a couple of days, they’re saying up to a foot of snow. That rarely happens here, but i’m looking forward to it. Playing with my puppy and my kids in the snow who love it.
There are times of peace, but there are still times of intense sadness and pain. I can feel the transition in my mind, from my fantasy to reality. I’m mourning the many losses that come with all of that. I stopped beating myself up for it. I have to accept that these were the choices I made and as M.L put it, I didn’t show up for myself. I allowed myself to be wounded over and over again and I am doing some deep reflection as to why.
Tobe, I have had ALOT of therapy in my life. A TON of it. I don’t know how I feel about that just yet. My last therapist was really good, but the approach was wrong for me. I couldn’t tell you that at the time, what was wrong, but I just felt I couldn’t be honest and open with her about what was going on with my POS. She would create more wounding if I did mention involvement with him. I know she didn’t mean too. But I think, in the areas of my life where I really needed the work to heal, she just didn’t agree with. “Why go back in the past, you have to learn to live int he now and not sabotage yourself!” To a degree that was true. But if you cannot sit in front of a therapist and be completely honest and also have that therapist completely understand what itis to be involved with a sociopath (you’d be surprised how many are NOT aware of what that’s like), it’s a no go. My insurance does not cover much in the way of psychological care. It’s something I will be looking into this next week. But first things first. My health needs attention. I get alot of therapy here. Tons. I’ve learned more about myself and my experience here in all the twenty plus years added up of therapy. I wonder if people realize just how lifesaving this site truly is.
Thanks tobe. Your advice is very solid and your words resonate deeply with me. I would like to hear more of your story? I’ve had bits and pieces but not the whole thing….how did you meet your spathy? I’m sorry if I have forgotten, things are a bit fragmented for me right now.
tobe,.
I was lying in bed this morning thinking about why I didn’t go out to Spath’s house when he asked me numerous times to come and spend the night. I think I need a little feedback on this one. It’s important. I realized that when he asked me I would be in fear of going. Fear of not being safe. Especially if the weather was bad and he would offer to come and get me. I didn’t want to be trapped out there at his house. It was feeling to me like a set up to be wounded. I was starting to see that he was enjoying his abuse….but when I would get up to leave if he said something shitty to me, as I was getting tired of it, he would run after me, get all sacchariny with me and of course, I always went back into the house. He could not help himself….being mean to me. But this feeling of being set up is something I’m really glad I listened to now. It was that voice inside SCREAMING at me…do you know what I mean? I just keep thinking about that over and over again. Was I right? I feel that I was right, given the outcome, how important it truly was to be listening to that voice, and as healing progresses, it gets LOUDER when things don’t feel right……..
**excuse me, he didn’t ask, he DEMANDED..when I refused to go, the rage came**….
tobehappy,
Happy Sunday! I hope you don’t mind me asking… Yesterday, when I was on this thread, you had mentioned (I believe it was you) that you are doing or had done some type of therapy regarding your thought proccess. I hope I am remembering this correctly. You reffered to it in an abreviation I believe or perhaps the first letter of each word for the name/term used. It may have been EM.. and a couple additional letters at the end. I am interested in finding out about this therapy, if possible.
Thank you so much!
Eden