Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
One of the things I’ve seen here, that is truly troubling to me now, (including within myself) is the propensity to wonder about the next victim. I’ve obviously contemplated this alot lately. I don’t know if it was SKy or tobe, or maybe aussie? Anyway, said that it doesn’t matter to a sociopath WHAT you look like, WHOM you are..WHAT YOU DO (unless it involves money), etc etc etc.
What told me that it truly DOES NOT matter, is the reality of what the sociopath wants at the time. I don’t know what new gf now looks like, and truthfully, I really don’t WANT to know, BUT, having said that, with the last love bomb attempt that I contacted, she was overweight and pretty in the face. COMPLETELY opposite of what I was, what his ex wife was. He told me he could “Never do a fat chick, you know what kind of woman I want, you and **exwife** are thin*. Whatever.
What I came to realize is that POS **needs** have changed. This woman had money and was a credit consultant. She was well established. Had friends and a good reputation. He could have CARED LESS about her, given how he spoke of her, particularly when I confronted him about it, saying the same shit “I could never do a fat woman*…and then of course, switching that to “Well, a lot of my guy friends say fat women are great in bed”. Interesting given that he has no real “friends” to speak of…anyway, love bomb is a super good person and HIGH in empathy!!!! She comes from an abusive background. Her past relationships were with N’s. HELLOOOOOOOOOO???????????? I liked her 🙂 A lot. Super great lady. And I’m so glad she was willing to talk to me.
Sooooo………..you see, it’s not about what they look like. POS is in a huge amount of debt. He’s also cruising Craigs List, not just for women (I believe) but also for a new car for his daughter and a new bedroom set……….a compulsive spender. Where does the money come from?
This was my BIG enlightenment…..it wasn’t about ME, it wasn’t about HIS EX WIVES, it wasn’t about LOVE BOMB,…it was about HIM!!!!! HIS **good fortune** would be to have a physically attractive woman WHO HAS MONEY….or at least a job so she can help pay the debt………….so does it matter about this new gf? Not really. Sure, it’s painful in some respects, but if I can just keep that ONE TRUTH in my mind, despite all of his lies, I’m so much better off. I realize there are some Spaths’ who actually go out and choose, well a spath gf. At that point, it would be hard to feel sorry for her….but most are not, and in that light, the next victim will pay as high a price as we all did…..and the same outcome: We never mattered in the first place.
I recently hit the point of “Enough is Enough” and decided not to bother with my xbf, either. I was ready. And, it seems that you have also reached the same point and you listened to your body…and didn’t go. I just couldn’t go on anymore…make believing that he cared about me..when he only cared about himself and his needs …bottom line.
I met him when I was teaching. He was assigned to my class to be an one one one aide to a student. I was attracted to him from hello. My other aides didn’t like him from hello. He was a retired cop and working p/t…and stated he lived with his g/f and her daughter but wasn’t so happy. (He was on dating sites while in my classroom on his breaks!)
We worked together for 2 yrs and the other aides and I , and him, became like a family…spending alot of breaktime talking etc.. He often spoke about how NOT into porn he was..how respectful he was of women….(trying to convince us that he was a “good guy”, unlike most men). He often heard me speak about losing weight and not dating until I feel better about myself.
Well, after 2 yrs..my girls got older..I ended up joining a gym and losing weight and everyone was complimenting me how good I looked and I started to feel confident in myself and I stated that I was going to start to date again…after 5 yrs of just raising my girls…no time for love and romance.
He turned his head and his eyes opened wide. I recall the look as if it was yesterday. He asked me if he could call me…and took me out on a lunch date and then told me that all along he wondered why I was so down on myself..when he felt that I was so pretty and sexy. He kissed me and then told me that he would like to see me again. Of course, he still worked in my classroom! We kept it a secret.
He wrote me texts and notes all week on how badly he wants to make love to me..etc. Because we knew each other for 2 years…I felt that it wasn’t a red flag. I was wrong. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable because I wanted to get into shape before I ever had sex again with any man.
Withing another week…I slept with him. I was never right from that day on. We were hot for each other and found time in between work and home for quickies..it was like a hot sexual affair. Crazy.
Then we started to talk on the phone for hours…along with meeting at the gym…but he rarely took me out. Thats when I started to have “hot flashes” (which were anxiety attacks…my body was telling me something was wrong!!!)
I did confront him and told him I felt like ‘friends with benefits’ but he said….”Is this why your’e having crying spells?… 2b, we are ALOT more than that.”
I told him I was confused…(because he was texting me love bombs…omg…”I am not afraid of anything, but I fear you…I am a warrior ..but I am so afraid of my feelings for you..I never felt this way before…I want to live with you…marry you…” etc. Yet, he never took me out…only to a movie…and always planned to see me when he wanted sex.
We started to talk more…he wouldn’t talk about his childhood…he was secretive about where he was..got mad if I asked…I went to a Dr. who put me on estrogen for the hot flashes…so I could sleep and function….(menopause)..but I still got the ‘attacks’ when I would drive and think of him.
I decided that I would just take what I could get from him…companionship to go to a movie..someone to talk to …who texted me every hour…(friend)…good sex….
Yet, he disregarded my kids…barely said hello to them when he came over…until I called him on it.
I started to catch him in lies…but learned early on that I could not confront him..he would get mad and accuse me of not trusting him.
After a year went by…I caught him on a site called “tagged”. He didn’t realize that I could read everyone he “tagged”. He wrote a woman a letter, from out of state…about wanting to get to know her.
I flipped out …broke up with him…and then he swore it was not what I thought..and he was sorry and I forgave him.
It was never the same since then…Jan. 2009. I started confronting him on lies I caught him in…where he was..not answering his phone…and he would stutter and make excuses.
By April, I couldn’t go back to my job because I defended him on something he lied about. Long story. Everyone was turning on me…I couldn’t handle anything anymore….I took a medical leave…and by June….I caught him on a dating site…logged in that day…was late for showing up to my house…and I told him to “go to He&&”. He didn’t know why.
He texted me two weeks later..in July, on my birthday..which he didn’t remember..!….ironically. He denied being on the dating site as well as the PORN dating site….(get laid in 90 days). He adamtly denied that HE put that profile on…blaming it on his friends….etc…. I went NC after telling him he is a LIAR and hanging up.
Five months apart…after going thru all the healing stages..he texted me …which he did every week or so…”I want to marry you”.
I answered it…we got together…he said he would get me a ring next year…(LOL!!!!) and I tried to not have sex with him..but ended up back to square one. He was on his best behaviour…so glad to have me back….giving me money to help me out..buying me things…etc.
But, I never fully trusted him. We went to Fla together and he told me a lie about a lie about selling his house….denied ever telling me he did….told me he rented it….OMG…I got so scared I ended it again.
This time, I saw him on a dating site…which he swears wasn’t him…I put a fake proflile on and 2 days after I broke up with him..he was lovebombing this woman (me) and wanted to meet her.
I cancelled the profile, in shock when he said…”My g/f just kicked me to the curb…we were just good buddies…and had fun together..I was never going to marry her”
I knew then, that we were really just “Friends with Benefits”, all along…that he was a lying sociopath…and using me for SUPPLY.
Five months later…after NC…taking care of myself….losing weight….after my vein surgery..on percoset…I answered his text.
This was just this past July. We met and I told him I would see him as a friend only. By Xmas…I didn’t even want to talk to him anymore….caught him stuttering, umming alot about where he was….he was starting to talk “dirty” to get me back in bed….and ….I just lost it all for him.
Oh…when we had an argument in NOV..and I wanted to stop talking to him again…because I caught him on the dating site again!!!!!!! which he said he wasn’t on anymore….he called me a “Bimbo” in a text….because I called him a LIAR.
For some reason, that is what made me put up a wall that I know can never be broken down again. It shocked me. He never called me a name before. I realized that this was really how he felt about me all along….NO RESPECT>>>LAUGHING AT ME>>>>STUPID BIMBO!!!
That was it. It was over. Of course…he apologized, texted me all Dec…we met for a movie….tried to lovebomb me to bed again….and proudly….I did NOT fall for it.
By New Year’s ….I made up my mind…THIS BIMBO WAS MOVING ON!!!!!
He made me strong…because all along, even with his lies and betrayals…I still felt that he had a certain “respect” for me…that he did care for me…..until he called me that name.
I don’t know why…but, I lost any pity, compassion, like, love, respect, or feelings for him.
He gave me some gifts on New years eve when we met on my way up north to my g/f’s house. I was insulted…a box that looked like it went through a war..with a Micasa bowl in it.and a few other things.
Had he been smart…he would have given me that “watch” he promised to buy me for three years…and said he would when we were in Atlantic City and he won a few hundred dollars.
Maybe that would have been the “crumb” for me to believe he really loved me.
He blew the last chance he had to win me back. I drove off …he called and texted me…I never responded since then…A NEW year ….NC…and I’m never going back again.
So..thats the story..alot of details left out…
The devil is in the details….but just wanted to give you an idea of the timeline of events with this DISORDERED lying man.
There’s SO much more…but it will be a few chapters in my book that I am writing about my life….
Going to the store now….ttyl.
tobe,
WOW, had he bought you that watch, would you have gone back to him? That was interesting to me………
I can’t believe, even while being caught on dating sites that he was STILL love bombing and texting you!! Mine stopped completely when he was confronted and knew I wasn’t buying his BS anymore. I just KNEW I could not be with him, no matter what he said or did. That was THE defining moment for me…….and I think he knew that. I wasn’t “fun” to dupe anymore. His last two contacts, particularly the last a week ago, were to see if I would respond or react. I did. But then went completely and totally NC, asking him in an email to please not contact me anymore and let me heal in peace. I meant it.
It’s been painful, but no more FEAR and ANXIETY. The only anxiety that is really bothering me is the FEAR of SEEING him. But I’m working on my brain to get past that.
So funny how we overlook the obvious, isn’t it tobe? I so relate to your post. I feel the pain of his betrayal and lies as I read through it. It feels just the same.
I deeply loved mine. For a long, long time. Perhaps soon enough I’ll find that that wasn’t what it was at all, but for the time being that’s what I was feeling.
It’s interesting, you mentioned hot flashes, etc, early on. There were warnings early on with your ex that I can totally relate to in that I felt early on with mine. The denying and lying were from the start.
IN some ways, it perplexes me. Why would they continue to try to inflitrate boundaries when there is a PLETHORA of supply? The more the merrier? I guess it makes no sense to try to understand nonsense. 🙂
I’m glad your out tobe. Thanks for sharing your story. It resonates with me so well…..also, mine is leaving me alone. New supply, but that doesn’t mean, from having read your story that he wouldn’t try in the future. I’m going to be VERY mindful of that.
tobe,
Something else you said in your post brought up another horrible memory about this last summer. ExPOS invited me to go to a bar with him that played jazz. We had gone there a long time before. Anyway, he said he had something he had to do after work (I suspect another date, but who knows, as I think there were LOTS of women he was dating), so he would call me and to be ready at nine. Well nine came and went, the nine thirty….no call, no text, so I texted him telling him what a POS he was (normal for me at this point when he pissed me off), and then he texted back about half an hour later and said, “you’re falsely accusing me again, be ready to go in a few minutes”..at that point, I didn’t want to go. I was so upset by what happened and what I suspected, I started walking down the highway, (going towards his house, but knowing I’d not make it there walking for a long time as he lived ten miles out), and he was texting and calling me like mad. Whenever I answered, he was pissed off at me, saying the MOST hurtful, cruel things. I stopped answering and kept walking that highway in my bare feet, and loaded, I’d been drinking…..I was crying like I’d never cried before…frustrated with myself, my life with him, with him ingeneral..you get the picture. So anyway, when I did listen to the messages, he forgot to shut his phone off after leaving one…to which I heard this “FUCKING BITCH!!!……long silence….”FUCKING BITCH”……and then he figured out his phone was on and that was that.
He loved to provoke me that way, to so much pain and anger. And it fueled more of his self righteous, indignant rage….and that was the very first time, I heard him utter those words in an angry rage. I’d heard bitch before, said to me, but always in a “joking” manner such as “well, if you’d stop being such a bitch!-lol” kinda of stuff…..
But that one packed the powerful punch that was not with the joking.
And I remember it like it was yesterday. It showed ALL of his hatred towards me that he had. It was the FIRST time that healing was trying to break through to me…and that rage scared me, this is when I started backing off of the relationshit.
Thanks for sharing that story with me. Each of these painful memories are definitive reminders as to why No Contact is so critical to my well being.
LL…its really pathetic…that , had he bought me that watch…I would have felt that he really DID love me really, that he was just a screwed up little boy who needs me to love him!
Talk about codependence!!!!! LOL!
Well, the watch may have kept me around to go to the movies with…but, deep down, since the first “tag” I read, I haven’t trusted him and probably nothing he could do or say would ever erase that first initial PROOF that my instincts from DAY ONE, were right!!!
That first time I actually caught him was after we were together only one year….it was never the same after that. I blamed myself…that maybe I was being too aloof with him so he didn’t think I loved him….(really aloof was CAUTIOUS because of the gut feelings I felt all along!)….So, I gave him more time to prove that he was honest and loyal.
NOPE…there are many details that I didn’t mention…like borrowwing money from me…(he has a friggin pension, job and no kids!!!!) when I have a house in foreclosure and my income is way less than his pension!!!!!!
I loaned him money and he wasn’t keeping his payment plan to pay it back. OMG>>>I got so mad…and he finally paid me.
How I could think that I don’t deserve better than THAT, I just don’t know. I must have been desperate. He confused me..in fact ..he called me a “confused little one” in several texts.
Now, is he TEXTBOOK or what?????
Thats why I am at the point where if I even talk to him now..I have to be crazy. He doesn’t deserve my attention as long as I live on this earth!!!!
Gotta run my daughter to a friends…I’ll be back.
to be, I know RIGHT???
I’m going grocery shopping. First real venture out. I hope it goes well and POS free!!!
I’ll talk to ya in awhile chica!
Good for you…go out..hold your head up high…be proud of yourself that you finally see him for what he really is…DISORDERED….and move on. Success is the best revenge…as they always say!
Life is too short to be stuck in a rut!!! Life goes quick..here on earth..and I plan to live my life happy and fulfilled..doing what I want to do…without anyone bringing me down.
He was SO obvious at times..that he was a true sociopath. Several times he said to me, when I answered a text after a period of NC….”Omg..all I want is your attention”. Duh!!! Typical Narcissistic remark.
Yes, he is DISORDERED…”damaged goods” as my xhusb was also. Yet, I chose to stay in a dysfunctional toxic relationship with these guys…trying to believe that they loved me as they SAID…but, never showed.
I feel proud of myself and my self esteem has gone up notches by not allowing him into my life anymore.
I know I’m worth more than to live my life wondering, worrying, confused, being DUPED!
No, this “BIMBO” is no longer falling for the lies!!!! lol
am I the only one whose sociopath was terrible at sex? He was pathetic. He told me it was because he had an anxiety disorder and was so scared he couldn’t perform that he couldn’t perform. LOL Then I found out 1.5 months ago that he frequents prostitutes and has for years even though he was in ‘committed’ relationships. I still don’t get it though. You would think he’d be experienced then and sex would be good but it’s like he just has them service him…period.
hmm SamJohnson, that’s all going to prosies ever is.
SamJohnson, no, I know you are not an exclusive member of that club.