Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
Curlysue, I agree, it is difficult for friends and families to understand, that’s why I’ve never talked to mine about it. It is too personal and hurtful to me… but… when the opportunity does come up… I try to educate them about sociopaths, pointing out that they don’t have to be a serial killer, that they can be the guy next door, a husband/wife, boy/girl friend, and then I tell them how they are people with no compassion, no remorse, no empathy, pathological liars, manipulative, etc, etc… that they PRETEND to be normal.
I am glad you found this website, sorry we all belong to this “exclusive club”, but glad we have others to talk to about it with. Oh, I couldn’t even talk to my sister about it, I just told her a LITTLE BIT and she called him an a**hole, so I wasn’t about to tell her the crap I put up with!!!
Oxy, wow, talk about posting at the same time!!! LOL
Dear Chic,
Great minds run in the same ditch! (((hugs)))
Curlysue,
Shabbychic is correct that we all hold hands here.
Ox Drover is correct that there is alot of healing tools and information here.
Silevermoon is correct they are nothing but liars.
Sorry you had to join our club…. Hugzzzz
soimnotthecrazee1!
Ox Drover,
your quote: Sex with anyone is just masturbation with a partner”“you are just like a warm blow up doll”no connection above the animal act.
OMG…. you are so correct and what a discouraging nasty feeling after being with that. My xspath had masturbated hisself into a hole… not being able to have pleasure unless it was just the same as his masturbation. (sick masturbation pratices too. damn near pinching his nipple off… like he had to feel pain, becuase he couldn’t feel pleasure) I hurt physically so bad sometimes, it was like being raped! SICK!!
Oh he tried to pass this off as an AHHAH moment that he had masturbated “prone’ his whole life and that was his issue. NO the issue was that there was no porno on the tv! Sick farking being!!!
When the end came and it got nasty…. I told the idiot to take that damn thing out back and beat it against a tree.
OH YUK!!!!
Thank God I am rid of that!
soimnotthecrazee1!
With most spaths, the sex will be good – how can it NOT be when they devote their entire lives to doing what pleases them? It becomes an art-form with so many of them. With so many partners, usually concurrently bed-hopping with several people most days, how could they NOT get “good” at what they do there? Practice makes perfect – they study our reactions in order to get the best results for themselves. The fact that this will sometimes mean that we (the victims) have the best sex we can ever imagine having is an irrelevant by-product. If they could orchestrate the best sex they ever had without our also having pleasure, they would do it, right? They operate that way in every other sphere of life….sex is trickier for them because it’s one thing they can’t completely control. It’s normal that for one person to get the best out of it, both should get the best out of it. In a way, they are stuck within that truth. (In most cases – I know that sometimes this is not how it is with them, but would hazard a guess that that is because for individual spaths, the sex is NOT the primary SUPPLY they are seeking but is used by them to create the bond with the victim which will ensure the supply they do seek – money, a slave, prestige, whatever…)
Having said that, I’ve been married to two spaths (so shoot me now). The first was perverted and sex-addicted (may I just point out that I DID NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE!!) but technically incompetent. The second was technically very adept but would do what I always felt was a very odd thing at the critical moment – no eye contact, no emotional contact at all – but his eyes would roll right back in his head, as if he wasn’t even there. Every time. As though it was ALL about his own physical sensations and I was not there in the same bed.
I now know that it was that way because it WAS ALL ABOUT his own physical sensations and “I” was not even there for him. I was just the blow-up doll.
Someone (forget who) posted an an earlier thread this month a comment that spaths are not hetero- or bi- or homosexual. They will screw anything.
Never a truer word was spoken.
Their vileness knows no bounds.
Give me technical inexperience or awkwardness with love and connection any day, over a stud with no soul.
Thanks for sharing Aussie! This is such a sensitive subject…. I’m not sure what the bundaries are for sharing about this. It is and has been a big part of the mask falling off and a big part of where I need healing. Part of my spath was good in the bed… he made sure he knew how to please me(IMO that was part of his control over me)… but when it came to him….. I was the masturbation blowup doll. He could never think outside the box of his self manipulation. God be my witness… he is a child molester waiting to happen. I am short and petite and when i discussed this with my SIL… she said no wonder he loved you so much.. you are so little!!!(at least I was untill I put on 40 lbs… thats alot when you are 4’11”). When i was with him… he didn’t miss a set of tits and a** walk by. We were grocery shopping and he rammed the cart into a display becuase he was lost in the stocking girl bent over. I have never been so insulted and embarassed in my life! BUT OH>>>>>> I am with the man that is the “love of my life”! We were mid 40’s, no EXCUSE!
Thanks for listening!
soimnotthecrazee1!
Aussie,
interesting that neither of your spaths was like mine. He was technically proficient and extremely concerned with bringing me immense pleasure, but did not seem to get physical pleasure for himself. or even care about that. It was like sex with a robot or prostitue. Turns out it’s because I’m not 12 years old. or a blond boy. or anything else that is illegal and immoral, so no pleasure for him.
But he did manage to as you said, “orchestrate the best sex they ever had without our also having pleasure,”. How you might ask?
He would, skillfully “orchestrate the best sex ” I’VE ever had, putting me on a pedestal, and the next day he would either disappear or stick around and make life hell. Effectively pushing me off the pedestal. I saw the pattern and chose to forego the rollercoaster ride for the last 15 years or so.
When I first met my ex-spath he wanted sex on the first date and I refused. It was not until our 3rd date that we finally had intercourse. It was WILD and UNREAL! Best I ever had. We began to see each other every day and sex was a daily ritual. Little did I know that after he left my house and went home he was on an internet porno dating site with his own profile – and he took naked pictures of himself in my home. It is true how they are with sex. I am finally free of this predator and working with a life coach and receiving grief counseling – did not know there are many forms of grief. I will get better – it will just take time. He is out there again on an internet dating site (Plenty of Fish) and looking for his next catch. The sad thing is – his brother has had bouts of skin cancer and is getting up in years – but here it is Thanksgiving weekend and he is down in Virginia – with his best buddy and the divorcee next door (who the buddy matched him up with).
Skylar,
WOW! Very well put! When they are robots… it doens’t give us our internal pleasure of pleasing our partner. It’s like we get our pleasure but feel rejected at the same time. ROBOT SEX!!!! I never felt so frustrated in my life. I’m a sensual sexual being with those I chose to share that side of me with and I opened that up with him…. only to find out he is an spath porno addicted, possible child molester, disrespectful eyes on everyone idiot! I would be out with him and I could litterally feel his eyes burning holes in the jeans of other womens asses. How sick is that?
soimnotthecrazee1!