Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
skylar:
“putting me on a pedestal, ” – I would say to him, (repeatedly for the first three years)(yes – he held out THAT long!!), “Please take me down off that pedestal you have me on. NOBODY is as wonderful as you think I am and the day that you realise I’m just a human being with faults like everyone else, it’s gonna be a helluva long way down for me to fall – I don’t know that I would be able to survive that big a fall!”
Well, it was.
And I almost didn’t. Still can’t believe that I did….
I’m so very, very sad for the next lady after me. I worry that when the time comes (as we know it will) she may not make it. I had the most excellent support from the police and from some wonderful friends and workmates. I just hope she has enough support because even with all of that, I honestly thought that I would die from the pain.
czarinamom:
Look out divorcee!!! Ray is on the way to your wallet!!! Sorry czarinamom! Just work at healing!
soimnottherazee1!
soimnotthecrazee1:
It is true. The crazy thing is his friend knows that he is a cheater and liar (but the friend is bi-polar and a millionaire) so he does not care. Seems from the first day the divorcee moved in next door (the friend is married) he took her under his wing. One time the friend, ex-spath and myself were out to dinner and he kept looking at his watch saying the divorcee was out on a match.com date (he said she was older and a bit on the heavy side and did not get many dates) so he was worried about her date. So, what does he do? I break up with the spath and the friend hooks the two of them up.
When I found that my spath was on an internet porno site (and I KNOW he was getting action – I found an email from this woman who charged to have sex and said she donates a portion for animal rescue) I made sure I went to the doctor and got checked out and had it put in my medical records why I was there and WHO made me want to go there.
And thanks, I am healing, my first step was kicking the spath once and for all out of my life. The second step was finding this website and the third step is my life coach.
TO ME, and I’ve said this before, Sex SHOULD in my opinion be a
“bonding ritual between two people who care about each other.”
It should NOT be a spectator sport, or a tag team match, or something bought and sold for cash or other goods. Okay, if that makes me a prude, so be it. I don’t care what those two CONSENTING ADULTS do to each other to BOND, I figure that is their choice, but whatever it is, it should give pleasure and satisfaction and a feeling of being cared about and loved to BOTH parties.
Years ago when I worked in spinal cord rehab one of my job duties was helping in teaching new sexual techniques to people who were paralyzed from either the neck down or the waist down so that they and their spouses/partners could still enjoy a healthy and satisfying sexual life even if they could not even feel their bodies from the level of their injuries down.
Sex is not about the crotch, the biggest sex organ in the body is between the ears—it is our brains and our minds—and our hearts! The psychopath only has their BODY for sex not their heart or mind. I honestly think that they get it that WE get something they don’t, “bonding hormones” but they aren’t sure what it is, and one reason they keep on changing partners is to try to find that elusive “thing” that they seem to get that we get, but yet they don’t understand it. If that makes any sense. They keep hoping that the NEXT PARTNER will give them that “thing” we have…but it never works. They just keep on trying to find some real satisfaction and it never works.
Ox Drover… OMG what a job! OMG talk about nesting in a persons pshcyee!!! and being in control!!! You are correct that they want what we have and they don’t… OMG… This is validating my exspath!!! Keep talking and typing.. I need to hear this…. as much as I don’t want to!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!
OMG…. he just wanted ME period!!! My passion for life, my love for family, my success, my pride of my hardwork and my home, my sexuality,,,,, OMG only to kill all that!
Nighty Night! Going to bed after this one. YUK!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
:/
I Was A Blow Up Doll
sigh
Oxy,
I thought that what we were doing WAS a bonding ritual.
even after he deciced that we should include other people, I thought it was all about US. i was narcissistic enough at age 25 to think that what we wanted was enough. I had no concept of people who were just evil enough to HATE LOVE.
Hiya gang you all seem to have very similar experiences,I just cant believe theres so many of them out there!!
The one thing that has baffled me is that sex in the begining was pretty good…..not the best ever I might add as after the first few weeks foreplay wasnt heard of. It was almost mechanical in that we’d kiss then hed think that was the green light. So why then after a few months did he start withholding ? We would see each other most nights before he went to work,but only very ocassionally would we end up in bed and that got fewer and further between as time went on.
He would say things like its not all about the sex,we have something much more special etc. He also used the line….Its just my sex drive isnt as high as yours,it doesnt mean I dont want you or desire you every minute of the day. He’d also make me feel dirty if I initiated and would then often just push me away saying he was too tired or had to get up for work.
The only nights we slept together all night ,would be a sat and sun and those nights then became a power struggle……I was obviously wanting and needing love and affection and he would do everything to withhold it……was this the power and manipulation that he needed to feel over me??
What this guy has done is take away my self belief,my sense of attractiveness and self confidence…..thats a sick thing to do to another person.
I think deep down he knows theres something very wrong with him as in one of his last texts to me he said…..I’m not angry with you,I’m angry with myself for letting someone else in. I think he means other than his ex who has obviously lived with him being like that for years.
Any thoughts on this ???
Curly,
Your quote:
What this guy has done is take away my self belief,my sense of attractiveness and self confidence”..thats a sick thing to do to another person.
What my xspath did had this effect on me also. They are very sick beings. I so need to heal from this sex part of the dysfunctional relationship. Ox Drover posted some great explanations as to why they do this and what they are trying to achieve. I wonder if there is a book that has this topic in it. Anybody know?
Sorry you are here. This site has a world of knowledge and healing. Keep reading
soimnotthecrazee1!