Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
Curly,
I remember telling a friend.. It was like all that I was that he admired me for… he wound up hating me for it. and trying to take it away from me. and putting me down for it.
In the beginning I told him his wandering eye habit was disrespectful and that I wasn’t going to tolerate it. He claimed innocent and didn’t even know it was happening. To let him know when it happened. OH RIGHT!!! If he loved and respected me then he wouldn’t do it period!!!! That’s when I started peeling the mask off. Boy did he get angry and manipulative at that point. I didn’t want to see the evil monster underneath the mask!!! It is so disheartening!
soimnotthecrazee1!!
Hiya Soimnotthecrazee
You seem to have really related to my experience.
To be honest with you the sex part has been the most hurtful for me too…..that is what really breaks you down as a woman and a loving caring person.I just felt I disgusted him ,was attractive enough,thin enough etc……to read the texts he sent to that other woman in April nearly killed me off but he promised it was nothing,he loved me and had put a stop to it. I should have followed my gut instinct and called her myself,but then I didnt know what reaction he would have to that and I really didnt want to loose him so had to trust what he said.
Of course I think about him with her now,is he loving her the way he couldnt love me,has he started treating her the way he did me ??
I know hes damaged as his parents tried to help him with his stealing after we split up but his reaction was to email them and tell them he doesnt have parents any longer. They are really good people and I know how much they’ve done for him over the years. I cant believe someone can react like that when help is offered……or is it the finding out they dont like. The fact that people are finally getting behind their mask ??
This is a very intriguing subject to be honest,I just wish I hadnt have to live through the experience to discuss it.
Thanks for the welcome to your family guys…means alot xx
Curly,
I do do relate to your experience. My xspath had a female coworker that he would come home boasting about. She did this, that, the other. I didn’t want to hear about her, i wanted to talk about us and plan our wedding and our life together. I told him I was uncomfortable with it. Chit hit the fan…. I suddenly became this nasty jealous biatch etc etc. I challeneged him on this… he was having an emotional affair with Trixie! Who was an attention whore to begin with. After 6 weeks of this crap, he finally admitted to me I was right and it was inappropriate. They know no boundaries. I have never spoken the word “inappropriate” so many times to someone I loved before in my life.
I believe you are correct, they get nasty when they think someone is looking behind their mask.
I remember telling him… who you are and who you portray are 2 different people. Who you are in this house with me and who you want people to think you are 2 different people. Chit really hit the fan then!! I peeled his mask off!!!! OMG!!! I haven’t been here long. I’m still learning myself. My learning has been a big part of my healing from this. No contact with him is the best thing you can do.
soimnotthecrazee1!
Curly,
PS. I wish you didn’t go through this also. Yes it is intruiging, to think that these sickos are all around us waiting for their next prey to come along.
Soimnotthecrazee1,
This experience of men objectifying women to the nth degree was mine as well. Yours would ogle and say you were wrong, mine did the same thing. For 17 odd years he would tell me I’m too sensitive, crazy, paranoid, nobody else sees it, I need to lighten up, it’s not what you think it is, maybe it’s like autism, blah, blah, blah.
I thought I was a horrible person. Overly jealous and passive aggressive because nothing was EVER resolved. It just festered.
He would stare for long periods of time, would act seductive with neighbors, and I would be jealous everytime he talked to an attractive woman. It was because his body language changed and because my friends that were overweight or not as attractive, he would ignore or dismiss.
The only time I felt that he loved me was when we had sex because he was actually engaged, paid attention to me when I was ignored most of the time. He loved sex yet said it is overrated. I think it is the only time he can feel anything. The rest of the time he is play acting.
So I ask myself what is normal when guys look at women? We all notice beautiful people or someone who has a neat outfit on, unusual attire, etc. Men are more visual for sure. BUT staring all the time at butts and boobs, not appropriate. And telling me I’m too sensitive for calling you on it, that’s wrong and not what I want in a mate.
I had to question myself about this so many times. But when I found extra condoms, lesbian porn, young black girl porn, and evidence of phone sex, and most importantly, he could no longer distinguish boundaries with his daughter and I put her in therapy because he was objectifying and hugging her so she felt uncomfortable, Houston-we have a problem!
So, yes, listen to your instincts and not to their objections. We know if it doesn’t feel right, we know the difference between looking at beautiful people and looking at them like they want to get naked. We need to have faith in our perceptions and not let the association with spath ruin it for future relationships!
Curlysue:
“What this guy has done is take away my self belief,my sense of attractiveness and self confidence”..thats a sick thing to do to another person”
Yep. I was 29, slim, happy, pretty and enthusiastic. (And let us not forget, a newly-wed – the marriage only lasted 6 months before he disappeared with all the $ – so we were still supposed to be “honeymooners”) On the actual honeymoon holiday, he seemed more interested in watching the cricket on TV. Back home, I remember being bold enough to hop into bed naked one night, only to be asked why I never wore anythign sexy to bed? WTF? Will somebody please tell me what could be sexier than a new naked wife wearing nothing but a smile, waiting for you when you hopped into bed?
By the time that that spath had finished with me, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. I was ugly, I was too fat, I was too old, I was too boring. Ended up damn near starving myself to death – it was unintentional, I simply lost the will to live and could not see the point in eating. My mum told me later that people would ask her whether I had cancer because of how thin and ill I had become. Afterwards, I vowed that I would never let anyone take me down like that again.
Then, just 5 years later, I ended up with the spath to end all spaths. He made the other guy look like Little Bo-peep… one thing I did stick to though – I never, for one minute bought into his devaluing me and trying to make me think I was faulty. I always argued back and told him it was crap and I wouldn’t stand for it. I never once believed the awful things he said about me – I just couldn’t work out why he was doing it. Eventually, I told him “no more – it’s over” – and I never looked back.
Curlysue:
BTW and completely off the topic, I just have to tell you that I once had the most gorgeous pet lamb called Curly Sue. She was rescued from an abbatoir after being born there and was such a sweetie!
The beat goes on.
My ex is down in Virginia – snuggling and cooing to his “plaything for the weekend” – and is logging daily on the Plenty of Fish website looking for his next gig when he returns back up here to NJ which will be Sunday.
I hold his friend totally responsible for this whole digusting thing. Joe knows what the spath is all about and introduced them.
Is there a way to warn the Virginia babe without looking like a stalker, psycho or jealous ex?
Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and handled it in a tactful manner.
Thank you to everyone!
There once was a girl who thought she found the perfect he
But this was not to be
Since she was never to know the real he
For even he did not know the real he
When the DA in VA told me that a man with two wives was punished enough and refused to pursue the bigamy case against a convicted Felon on parole violation whose parole officer told the legal wife “he did bad things to women”, I figured, Virginia’s daughters are open game for these predators and likely have been.
Best thing, don’t date in Virginia! Stay off Plenty of Fish and other than that, have a nice day……
Dear Czarina,
Chances are if you had a video of him raping a Nun it would not matter to the new babe, she is totally hoodwinked to his lies and he would convince her that the whole thing was a set up and he has I am sure already told her about his crazy x (you) and what a POS stalker she is…it is part of the regular smear campaign so that in the event that you were to try to warn her he would have already shown you out to be crazeeeee!
I have had people try to warn me about various psychopaths (not as lovers but as bosses, business partners etc) and I did not listen…I have warned others, and they didn’t listen….I think it is when they have COVERED themselves with the mask we are BLIND even to the truth!~
Silver, that DA story makes my teeth grind! I want to b1atch slap the SOB every time you tell it! LOL