Lovefraud has heard from many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths. They often comment on the “amazing sex.”
Many sociopaths are skilled lovers, and there are reasons for this.
First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Secondly, sociopaths get a lot of practice. They usually start young—precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
Sex but no love
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Many people who have contacted Lovefraud have been confused by this. Their encounters seemed so caring, so earth-moving, that it was difficult to believe there was no love.
Here are the facts: Sociopaths are not capable of love. Sociopaths are, however, convincing liars, and they know that if they say the words “I love you,” they’ll probably get more sex.
Furthermore, when a sociopath seduces his or her target, it’s a way of establishing control. Along with getting the physical desires of the moment met, the sociopath may also be getting money and a free place to live. All for whispering a few sweet nothings—and to the sociopath, they truly mean nothing.
Diagnosing the disorder
The most accurate tool for diagnosing whether someone is a sociopath (also called a psychopath) is the Psychopathy Check List-Revised (PCL-R), developed by Dr. Robert Hare. The tool, administered by a trained professional, rates the person on 20 items to determine an overall psychopathy score.
One of the items evaluated is “promiscuous sexual behavior.” This is defined as impersonal sexual relationships, frequent one-night stands, cheating, frequent casual sex, several sexual relationships at the same time, deception to convince others to engage in sexual activity, and possible charges for sexual assault. (Believe me, sociopaths are capable of all of it.)
Another item on the check list is “many short-term marital relationships.” This means the person has frequent unstable interpersonal relationships and/or multiple marriages.
Irresponsible and casual sex, therefore, is one of the hallmarks of sociopathic behavior. Some sociopaths are also capable of truly frightening sexual violence—but that’s a topic for another post.
lost and found!!!!!!!! Hey! It is so good to hear from you. Actually, I think I took that line from hens, my picker is broken, oh my.
I know, since they believe their own crap, it makes it easier to try and convince someone else.
hi shabby – i never tried meetup.com. I am trying to meet some new folks, mostly through work…not the best idea, cause work is causing me no end of stress. i don’t hate it, but it is killing me – the stress is waaay over the moon.
lig – i like it very much every time someone posts that they laughed at their spath’s outrageous crap. it’s such a genuine response to disingenuous people. nice to see you posting. it’s been a while since i’ve seen you here.
one, well, since you said you are in the “middle of nowhere” I don’t know if meetup.com would have many groups in your area, check it out someday, you never know!
Sorry the job is so stressful. You must feel exhausted all of the time. Wish I could do or say something to help :/
thanks shabby – it’s really running me down. eb had said that the spath stuff was breaking my back, but nooo it’s the damn job. this week was hell – and today i have such back neck and back spasms i can barely move my oh so swollen head. it’s stress. it sucks. i really have to think about looking for another job – i can’t hack this. they are not easy to find here…but this one is traumatizing me.
tobehappy:
“Ok”I think I am going to take my profiles off of online dating sites!! Its making me sick” –
Good girl. Tricky enough to sort people out face to face and work out who is normal and who is going to harm us. Almost impossible over the net if they are clever enough (which many spaths and narcs are), to determine truth and truthful intentions.
I agree that for some (very few) it does seem (so far) to have worked out – but – I also know that’s how my x-spath met his latest girl. Anything that is making you uncomfortable should be let go at this point – you (we) are still in recovery; we need good stuff that nourishes our souls, not more stuff to worry about. x
“another one started saying”.”I want you—.and when I questioned such a crazy statement”he said— Its your fault, you look so sexy ” – did you just channel my x or what!?!?
”
he said, “I’m not a perv, just a passionate man”.. – and again, the exact words out of my spath’s mouth. Yuk, yuk, vomit!!!!
one_step_at_a_time:
“even posting on lf gives me the willies. ’cause i know there are spaths everywhere ” – me too, but I’m taking the chance that enough of us here are REAL and that between us all surely at least ONE of us would “spot the spath” and greyrock them.
“every time someone new shows up i am suspicious” – even funnier – I’M ONE OF THE NEWEST BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS!!!! LOL
“go join things ”“ meet people in their natural environments, not as disembodied characters in forums where there is no accountability. dating sites are dangerous. they just are” – I could not agree with you more.
tobehappy:
“They are all over”only, online”.is worse because they think that if you are on there”you are lonely and desperate” – yep. AND it’s easier to hide what they really are for longer.
aussiegirl – my spath is a hardcore online scammer, she eats nigerian scammers for breakfast. so, i am particularly attuned. i also figure that she has hacked most of my email accounts and god knows what she has put on my computer remotely. she’s a piece of crap.
i have been here almost a year – and everyone who was here before more and a few who showed up afterwards i am pretty cool with – but i know she could actually come on here and be many people – and they would all have a different story – and they would be divisive and tear this place apart. it’s what she does, and she’s damn good at it. ‘cpet this time i’d whack her.
Silvermoon, Ox Drover and aussiegirl:
Thank you all for the feedback – I respect your opinions and you are correct. Since the lies have started and I know Ray was on Plenty of Fish during the weekend while he is with this girl and his millionaire bi-polar friend set them up – I would be called the psycho!
This is a great web site and we all help each other.
When I picked up the Sunday newspaper today – here is my horoscope and to anyone else who is a Cancer.
There is someone you are attracted to who is more fun than appropriate. This connection is not necessarily good for your life, your attitude or your prospects. Don’t flirt with disaster.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom.
Funny, Czarinamom, I am a Cancer too! lol
I’m glad I followed by gut feeling not to meet up with this creep last night! I finally got it! lol
When he wrote those awful things, I knew I was right about him…I didn’t even like his eyes in the photo!
NO MORE online stuff from me. I was just tired from running around the last few days, visiting relatives for the holiday…and I almost went to meet him. Something told me to stay home, jump in the hot tub and lite a fire and stay home with my girls! So…I listened.
A clinical psychologist who I was seeing last year, an older woman, told me that she has never, in all of her years counselling, met anyone with success with online dating…especially the FREE sites, like Plenty of Fish! Take it from experience.
She told me to get out and join clubs doing what I enjoy, and that is where you might meet some “normal” people…
Thanks to all, for the advice.
Yes, I am still in “recovery”. Even though I don’t have the PTSD symtoms that I had last year, I still need to let the dust settle from the realization that my xbf really IS disordered, and that it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me.
Starting fresh ….no more spaths!
One step….
My brother has this massage chair…the Ijoy…
I sat on it for an hour on Thanksgiving Day…and it CURED me! I ended up ordering one from amazon.
It is a miracle…everyone should have one!
I had sciatica for 3 months and couldn’t even lay on my left side in bed…it totally cured me! I feel like an 18 yr old now! Not a pain in my body..It also helps boost your immune system.
I am taking care of ME now. I bought a hottub in May and thats helped so much. I still use it , even in this cold weather.
Yes, its all about ME now…whatever it takes to destress me and relax me..
Check them out on craiglist..you could pick up a used one cheap…They go from 500-1000 new. I can’t wait to get mine!
hi tobehappy – i have so many broken bits that i have to be really careful about what i do. a massage can spin me into pain for days. i am feeling tired, frustrated and a bit lacking in hope. last week was crazy stressful and i only see it getting worse. I think it was when i balled up my fists and yelled, F***, about 10 times that i pinched something on friday.
i talked with someone today, about getting out of this job. i don’t know that anyone could do this job as written, and i know that i can’t, if things don’t change a lot (in terms of commitment and capacity within the org). i know there should be 8 committed people involved – not one. the possibility for big failure in the public eye for both me and the org. is staring me in the eye. maybe best if i talk to the doc about sick leave and get out of this job.
i need a cat, they are great stress relievers.now allergic to cats. s***!
i SO need a cat.
i hope your chair is really great!