Although some see sociopaths as too emotionally deficient to experience the despair necessary to suicide, I see suicide as offering a viable option for some sociopaths, and I’m going to explain why.
Let me start with a bit of crude, brutal logic: for many sociopaths, as we know, life is very much a game; hence, when game over, life over. No more game, what’s left? The answer may be, nothing.
And yet it may be less “despair” and “depression” with which the sociopath is left when his act has been shut-down than his preferring no longer to deal with an existence he knows will cease supplying the gratifications to which he’s grown accustomed, perhaps addicted and certainly privileged.
In the face, then, of this massive problem, the sociopath, with his notorious penchant for escaping inconvenient situations, may consider “checking-out” out of life—suiciding—when it, too, becomes insolubly inconvenient.
Some sociopaths, recognizing that their run of exploitation has ended, may use suicide as a final act of rebellion and contempt, as if to express, “See! You may have apprehended me, but watch! I’ll kill myself, and so I’ll escape again! Nobody gets me. Nobody makes me account! I am accountable to myself only, and now I choose to disappear, permanently. Ha!”
Of course, we’re all acquainted with the incarcerated sociopath who seeks his death, and may even generate publicity around his quest to be capitally executed. His is the case of the imprisoned sociopath asking the state, in effect, by proxy, to assist him in his suicide. What are we to make of this?
For some, the specter of the prisoner seeking execution arouses a certain sympathy; the prisoner may be seen as pursuing a form of ennobled self-justice, which may be interpreted (or rather, misinterpreted) as reflecting his belated humanity.
But what is the incarcerated, suicide-seeking sociopath really doing? Where is he really coming from? The answer is that he’s doing what he’s always done—exploiting for an edge, an advantage.
In such cases his spirited self-advocacy for death-by-state reflects some very basic sociopathic tendencies, among them his audacious grandiosity and arrogance. For even in his wretched, no-status state, here he is making noise and refusing to recognize limits—that is, he’s still attempting to exercise omnipotent control; he’s determined to determine even the way he dies!
But the incarcerated sociopath’s pursuit of assisted suicide-by-state is also, and probably principally, about his desire to escape a life intolerably devoid of gratifications.
Remember that, for many sociopaths, life without an ongoing infusion of gratification is like living in prison. For some of these sociopaths, this just is not a life worth living.
It is possible that despair, finally, is a driving factor when sociopaths attempt or commit suicide. However, it is the source of his despair that’s probably most noteworthy and distinguishing: the sociopath often feels his despair as an existence intolerably devoid of sufficient gratifications, and the promise of future gratifications. And so his despair derives, ultimately, from the frustration of his greedy, insatiable demands.
Adding to his despair is the probable sense of his shattered omnipotence—that is, the sense that he can no longer exercise the kind of control over others, and control over (and satisfaction of) his gratification-habit to which he developed a deep, arrogant sense of entitlement.
The sociopath’s belief in his omnipotence, a belief deployed in the service of producing continual gratifications, gives him his superficial, if not only, purpose in life. Deprive him of it, and all bets are off.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns was for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
During the time that I was still figuring out my h-spath is a sociopath, my twin sister sent me a book, Bones in the Desert: The True Story of a Mother’s Murder and a Daughter’s Search, by Jana Bommersbach, detailing the story of a woman who was murdered by her boyfriend (after being together 14 years). The boyfriend took her for all she was worth. When I read this article, I thought of this book, the fact that the boyfriend committed suicide, the police being onto him, trying to put a case together to jail him (for the rest of his earthly life). This book actually helped me to “see” that my h-spath was a sociopath, seeing many similarities between the deceased lady’s boyfriend and my h-spath, also relating to what the woman experienced on an emotional level. The boyfriend was at the end of his game, so he threw in the towel, killing himself by hanging himself in the garage of her house.
I posted a question on Aging Out of Psychopathy wondering if when they get older and are not as successful in finding victims, do they suffer from a feeling of anger? Seems inevitable.
One of the last things my S said to me was…I have problems you have no idea about, nowhere left to hide, life sucks for me too…
On one hand, I can almost see him getting to the point of wanting to commit suicide if and when it all gets too much. He said to an acquaintance of mine regarding the online thing, in part…I really thought this was a good way to meet people but it has all been a pain in my ass….
If he can’t find one to hold onto, to become the decoy per se, the one he cheats on and feels like he is getting over on, it becomes a game not worth playing.
On the other hand, I feel that in his mind, he probably is saying, I know I still got it, I can’t give up yet, just one more…like the little engine that could. Then when he is there, what is to stop him from giving it even one MORE try?
In reference to the last thing he said to me, while I initially felt sadness for him because I felt like he was finally going to open up and admit something solid to me, I chose to see it as a continuing play for pity and did not answer him. I’m glad I didn’t. This website just reinforces that feeling.
Steve—Paragraph 5 pretty much sums up the way I feel it would be played out. As if they were saying, Even in the end, I still win!!
Dear Steve,
Great article, as ALWAYS!
One thing I might point out, though a bit off topic, is that prison is not necessarily without “gratification” to the psychopath, especially one who has “adjusted” to prison. In fact, there is a continual round of “games” to play, cons to pull, with other inmates and with staff! In fact, a certain class of inmates, like my P-son for example seem to THRIVE in this environment. It is FUN to them on so many levels.
Charlie Manson is another one who reportedly “enjoys” his life in prison; his fame, the letters he gets from outside, and the inmates who “admire” him.
I agree with you though about some psychopaths who commit suicide by “cop” or “state” or “self.” It is the ULTIMATE “Fark you!” to the system, the family, the victims they have harmed, etc. The last CONTROL! The ultimate ESCAPE from consequences.
for ALL that she has done, for all that she is, i can only wish and pray that she DOES kill herself….that life gets very boring for her…the more we out her, the more likely that is to happen.
“Some sociopaths, recognizing that their run of exploitation has ended, may use suicide as a final act of rebellion and contempt, as if to express, “See! You may have apprehended me, but watch! I’ll kill myself, and so I’ll escape again! Nobody gets me. Nobody makes me account! I am accountable to myself only, and now I choose to disappear, permanently. Ha!””
This article reminds me of Andrew Cunanan, the guy who went on a 3-month killing spree in 1997.
He’s the one who murdered fashion designer, Gianni Versace, in Miami before committing suicide.
Before Cunanan went on this killing spree, his only crimes were petty theft and drug dealing.
That’s what I find so scary about sociopaths.
With so many of these cases, there were no previous indications that the person would turn into a killer.
You just never know if/when they are going to “snap” and go off the deep end.
I also believe that it’s important to note that Andrew Cunanan’s first murder victim in this killing spree was his FRIEND, Jeffrey Trail.
Cunanan’s second murder victim was an acquaintence, David Madson.
This is why you have to be very careful around sociopaths, especially if the relationship is ending, or you are going through a rough patch.
It sort of makes me crazy when ladies on this website say things like, “my sociopath is not violent”.
I am concerned for these ladies, because I believe a sociopath can always turn into a killer, especially when pushed into a corner, or they know “the gig is up”.
Even if the physical violence never comes to fruition, I believe the possibility is always there.
It’s just a matter of choice (and impulse control) for these freaks.
Rosa,
To even contemplate that my h-spath could be a killer is too disturbing to think about, having had enough chit to digest already about him. After reading your post, it just tells me that this could be a possibility, so I must always be careful when it comes to the spath. It bothers me that this mental illness exists, is something that all of us have to contend with.
We can’t get them labeled and so the decision to break from them once we understand is entirely burdened in the targets because there is not enough understanding in the court system that these charming disordered can SNAP at any time.
And the rules of behavior don’t apply to them.
Its not an illnes that can be treated or cured, its a disorder that exists in them – and it NEVER goes away or changes.
Yeah, there is no such thing as believing it couldn’t or won’t happen with this one or that one. Hell, they can’t tell or promise. And the fact they haven’t doesn’t mean the can’t – or won’t.
I think about how much higher the probability gets then they already have……..
Engaging article , Steve. You highlight yet another facet of this personality disorder I never gave much thought. I have always felt he is too consumed with himself – especially now that he is so happy and living his life – to ever feel desperate enough to end his life.
I do remember him saying odd things such as ” You have no idea what it’s like to be me inside my head . ” “Sometimes I can’t stand being in my own skin . ” ” There are times I would just as soon not wake up . What are we here for anyway ? ”
I wonder now if they were words of inner pain or a play for attention.
I thought those were the times he needed to be ” more loved ” – so he would see his value – and I worked harder to make that happen .
The one line that sticks is ” It will never be over between us until one of us is dead. ”
In any case – I often feel now there will be no peace until one of us IS GONE …….
He is flying high now in his new life – don’t think he’s leaving the planet anytime soon ……………………
Food for thought Steve
Again I would have also assumed he was “too self absorbed” to ever contemplate something like suicide. I remember when my non P son went through a phase of wanting to kill himself (unless I stopped seeing the P) the P told me to “let him do it” he said things like “so what, if he is that stupid he deserves to die, tell him I will gladly end his life for him if he needs a hand” I thought it was just anger/joke but he has zilch compassion for suicides…my son was just being a drama queen and I talked and talked with him explaining he cant hold my life to ransom now, I deserved love in my life etc. etc. and his threat of suicide would not ever work with me. He ended up okay and finally accepted the P just before we broke up anyway….
I’m trying to imagine what a P would do, when all avenues are closed to him….no chance at manipulation, exploitation, intrigues or cons….I would so love to set up an experiment to see what they would do. I guess prison is the closest thing but as Oxy says they love it there!!!
The sociopath I was involved in did call me when we were teenagers, saying he was at a telephone booth (those were the days) near the ocean and was going to go kill himself. He later said I saved his life (an act I rue),….but of course did not thank me or feel a debt of gratitude…in fact it was just brought up as a pity play after the fact…..but now I think the reason I probably did save his life was because I gave him hope…ah, here was someone he could still manipulate, who would still sooth him, build him up. I think he was serious about suicide right before the call, and it did not start out as a pity play at the time. But just before doing the deed, he was struck by the thought…well, maybe there is still a game I can play, let me test that, and he called me. I had no idea then who or what I was dealing with or I would have just hung up!