Although some see sociopaths as too emotionally deficient to experience the despair necessary to suicide, I see suicide as offering a viable option for some sociopaths, and I’m going to explain why.
Let me start with a bit of crude, brutal logic: for many sociopaths, as we know, life is very much a game; hence, when game over, life over. No more game, what’s left? The answer may be, nothing.
And yet it may be less “despair” and “depression” with which the sociopath is left when his act has been shut-down than his preferring no longer to deal with an existence he knows will cease supplying the gratifications to which he’s grown accustomed, perhaps addicted and certainly privileged.
In the face, then, of this massive problem, the sociopath, with his notorious penchant for escaping inconvenient situations, may consider “checking-out” out of life—suiciding—when it, too, becomes insolubly inconvenient.
Some sociopaths, recognizing that their run of exploitation has ended, may use suicide as a final act of rebellion and contempt, as if to express, “See! You may have apprehended me, but watch! I’ll kill myself, and so I’ll escape again! Nobody gets me. Nobody makes me account! I am accountable to myself only, and now I choose to disappear, permanently. Ha!”
Of course, we’re all acquainted with the incarcerated sociopath who seeks his death, and may even generate publicity around his quest to be capitally executed. His is the case of the imprisoned sociopath asking the state, in effect, by proxy, to assist him in his suicide. What are we to make of this?
For some, the specter of the prisoner seeking execution arouses a certain sympathy; the prisoner may be seen as pursuing a form of ennobled self-justice, which may be interpreted (or rather, misinterpreted) as reflecting his belated humanity.
But what is the incarcerated, suicide-seeking sociopath really doing? Where is he really coming from? The answer is that he’s doing what he’s always done—exploiting for an edge, an advantage.
In such cases his spirited self-advocacy for death-by-state reflects some very basic sociopathic tendencies, among them his audacious grandiosity and arrogance. For even in his wretched, no-status state, here he is making noise and refusing to recognize limits—that is, he’s still attempting to exercise omnipotent control; he’s determined to determine even the way he dies!
But the incarcerated sociopath’s pursuit of assisted suicide-by-state is also, and probably principally, about his desire to escape a life intolerably devoid of gratifications.
Remember that, for many sociopaths, life without an ongoing infusion of gratification is like living in prison. For some of these sociopaths, this just is not a life worth living.
It is possible that despair, finally, is a driving factor when sociopaths attempt or commit suicide. However, it is the source of his despair that’s probably most noteworthy and distinguishing: the sociopath often feels his despair as an existence intolerably devoid of sufficient gratifications, and the promise of future gratifications. And so his despair derives, ultimately, from the frustration of his greedy, insatiable demands.
Adding to his despair is the probable sense of his shattered omnipotence—that is, the sense that he can no longer exercise the kind of control over others, and control over (and satisfaction of) his gratification-habit to which he developed a deep, arrogant sense of entitlement.
The sociopath’s belief in his omnipotence, a belief deployed in the service of producing continual gratifications, gives him his superficial, if not only, purpose in life. Deprive him of it, and all bets are off.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns was for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
i like erin broke i think we have been with the same guy i have no pity 4 someone who tortured me tried to kill me n has all the money in the world to make me look bad just glad i didnt have to kill him n i learned to not b a freaken doormat i have nobody in my life now maybe never will ive definatley been manipulated over n over i give up ive got a three year old n a seven year old n thier physco dad died this april got sucked into drugs whores for his money but he was so important he laid rotting for almost three weeks b4 they found his body with a cleaned out bank acct
Dear Tony’s mom,
I am so sorry that you have been through so much, but glad that you found your way to Love Fraud. This is a good place to help you help yourself.
I’m glad that you are there to take care of your children though and that they are young enough that hopefully he will not have left too many scars on their hearts and minds. It may be better for them that he is out of their and your life. He is no longer there to hurt you or to use you like a door mat.
Most of the people here on this blog have suffered from trauma of one form or another from the psychopaths, so there are people here who will understand and can be supportive of you.
I have a psychopathic son, in prison for murder, and there are others here who have sons, fathers, daughters, x-husbands/wives that are psychopaths. Some with many psychopaths in their families.
It takes TIME to process all of this, not only why they are like they are, but why we believed them, why we loved them, and wanted them to be different. It won’t be all rosy tomorrow morning, but you have found a place to learn, be supported and to grow! God bless you T’s Mom, and hang around a while! (((hugs)))))
i know y i have gone for these men my dad was the same way an overacheiver and violent his mom put him up 4 adoption when he was 2 n he was sexually abused in his new family n not protected so he was a control freak nobody would ever believe he did what he did to make us conform out of terror he appeared to be a respected person i guess thats y i learned being abused was respectful
Dear Tony’s mom,
It is difficult starting over learning NOW as an adult what we should have learned in a LOVING FAMILY, instead we learned that being disrespected is okay, or that women are not as good as men, or that they must submit to men….ya da, ya da.
Now as adults we must become our own parents and teach ourselves that we deserve respect, we deserve to be treated well, and that we will not endure people who do not treat us well, no matter who they are. NO ONE has the right to mistreat us.
I’m sorry your dad had a bad life, but that still did not give him a “pass” to be a control freak to you and your family. Even if we have been abused, we should not become abusers ourselves. We must not allow others to abuse us, but we must also not be abusive to others too.
There is a web site linked to Love Fraud called “Raising the At risk child” and you might want to check it out. Dr. Leedom has a child by the psychopathic x husband and she is a lovely lady and will also be able to give you some pointers on how to deal with your own children as they grow up so that they do not become “just like daddy”—she also has a book she wrote here on Lov e Fraud stgore called “Just like his father” that is an excellent book for mothers of children whose fathers are psychopaths. Good luck.l
im not abusive to my children im the opposite n ive decided to take a break from relationships to fix my taking to much crap attitude maybe be by myself forever im overly protective over the kids n right now myself
Dear Tony’s mom,
I wasn’t meaning that you were abusive but that kids like your children who have a parent who is/was abusive (like their father) may need the living parent to be especially caring and nurturing with them so that they get the nurturing they should have gotten from the father that is no longer there as well as from the mother who has been beaten down.
When WE are beaten down (and how could you be otherwise with the problems you have gone through) it takes US time to recover and at the VERY time our kids need us the most, we are beaten to pulps ourselves. YOU need compassion and caring as much as your children do! YOU deserve it as much as your children do. You grew up in an abusive home, you lived in abusive marriage(s) and believe me, I can definitely understand. I’m glad that you are not abusive to your children, actually I wouldn’t expect someone here on Love Fraud to be the kind of person who would be abusive just because they had BEEN abused.
We come to this kind of site because we want to learn and to grow as people and to heal and to be better parents than our parents were, and to be better to OURSELVES than others have been as well.
Dr. Leedom’s site is still a great one for giving strength and support to parents who are trying to raise children out of an abusive relationship with their father (or mother) and she certainally understands what it is to be an abused wife, and the mother of a child from a psychopath.
I think you are wise to take a “break from relationships” while you are healing from this mess with your young children’s father’s death etc. It takes TIME to heal and process all the mess that we have been through. Your children are young and they need you so much right now. I am so glad that you are there for them. I understand your being a bit over protective of them too, that would only be a natural reaction to what you have been through.
Your screen name tells me that you care about your kids. God bless you, Mom, and I’ll keep you and your babies in my prayers! (((hugs))))
sent her a message got blocked from the site im concerned about my 7 year old daughter she is very mean to her 3 year old brother behind my back
Tomy'[s mom, go to the AUTHOR’s page, and click on the LIANE LEEDOM e mail address, if you can’t find it it is ljleedom@aol.com and send her an e mail directly. Her site might be down or something.
I can understand your concern, but a certain amount of problems between kids is normal as I am sure you know, but at the same time you don’t want the older one to hurt the younger one, and she needs to be taught to understand and have empathy for him and others.
There is a certain amount of the abusive personality disorders that are genetic and hereditary but it is not set in stone. My P son is just exactly like my P sperm donor (father) though they never met, both men killers, but I’m not and my other sons are not. I have 3 half sibs from my P sperm donor and only 1 of them (1 of us 4) of his children are like him, and he raised those 3 himself after he drove their mother out of the US by hitting her so hard on the BACK of the head he blacked both her eyes!
Dr Leedom is a wonderful woman and very wise as well as smart so I think she will be able to help you with your children. She is a psyciatrist as well as a caring mother mother!
thanks for giving me the insight about the kids im definatley looking into it
DEar Tony’s mom,
Go to the left of the screen and look under articles written by Dr. Leedom and read then. There are TONS of greast articles here on this blog, just GREAT stuff about kids and about you and about the psychopaths too.
Not everything will fit or make you say “Oh, Ya, right on!” but a lot will. The healing process is gonna be a long one, but well worth it, I SWEAR TO YOU! Hard work and it starts out with what is wrong with the abusers, and ends up about US, why we let the sobs hurt us over and over. BUT you got two babies to take care of and you have to do it for them as well as yourself. Big responsibility! BUT you are a STRONG WOMAN and I think a very smart and aware one!!! You got what it takes, Girlfriend! So LEARN ALL YOU CAN!!!!
There are some smart smart SMART folks on here (Like Liane Leedom) who have been fooled by these jerks, so it doesn’t mean we are dumb just cause we got fooled!