Although some see sociopaths as too emotionally deficient to experience the despair necessary to suicide, I see suicide as offering a viable option for some sociopaths, and I’m going to explain why.
Let me start with a bit of crude, brutal logic: for many sociopaths, as we know, life is very much a game; hence, when game over, life over. No more game, what’s left? The answer may be, nothing.
And yet it may be less “despair” and “depression” with which the sociopath is left when his act has been shut-down than his preferring no longer to deal with an existence he knows will cease supplying the gratifications to which he’s grown accustomed, perhaps addicted and certainly privileged.
In the face, then, of this massive problem, the sociopath, with his notorious penchant for escaping inconvenient situations, may consider “checking-out” out of life—suiciding—when it, too, becomes insolubly inconvenient.
Some sociopaths, recognizing that their run of exploitation has ended, may use suicide as a final act of rebellion and contempt, as if to express, “See! You may have apprehended me, but watch! I’ll kill myself, and so I’ll escape again! Nobody gets me. Nobody makes me account! I am accountable to myself only, and now I choose to disappear, permanently. Ha!”
Of course, we’re all acquainted with the incarcerated sociopath who seeks his death, and may even generate publicity around his quest to be capitally executed. His is the case of the imprisoned sociopath asking the state, in effect, by proxy, to assist him in his suicide. What are we to make of this?
For some, the specter of the prisoner seeking execution arouses a certain sympathy; the prisoner may be seen as pursuing a form of ennobled self-justice, which may be interpreted (or rather, misinterpreted) as reflecting his belated humanity.
But what is the incarcerated, suicide-seeking sociopath really doing? Where is he really coming from? The answer is that he’s doing what he’s always done—exploiting for an edge, an advantage.
In such cases his spirited self-advocacy for death-by-state reflects some very basic sociopathic tendencies, among them his audacious grandiosity and arrogance. For even in his wretched, no-status state, here he is making noise and refusing to recognize limits—that is, he’s still attempting to exercise omnipotent control; he’s determined to determine even the way he dies!
But the incarcerated sociopath’s pursuit of assisted suicide-by-state is also, and probably principally, about his desire to escape a life intolerably devoid of gratifications.
Remember that, for many sociopaths, life without an ongoing infusion of gratification is like living in prison. For some of these sociopaths, this just is not a life worth living.
It is possible that despair, finally, is a driving factor when sociopaths attempt or commit suicide. However, it is the source of his despair that’s probably most noteworthy and distinguishing: the sociopath often feels his despair as an existence intolerably devoid of sufficient gratifications, and the promise of future gratifications. And so his despair derives, ultimately, from the frustration of his greedy, insatiable demands.
Adding to his despair is the probable sense of his shattered omnipotence—that is, the sense that he can no longer exercise the kind of control over others, and control over (and satisfaction of) his gratification-habit to which he developed a deep, arrogant sense of entitlement.
The sociopath’s belief in his omnipotence, a belief deployed in the service of producing continual gratifications, gives him his superficial, if not only, purpose in life. Deprive him of it, and all bets are off.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns was for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Yes, as if his mother had the wisdom of this site, she might be careful. But in this case, she is an alcoholic so there is little hope regarding positive intervention from her.
Keep in mind, the kid’s grandfather, my x-spath’s father, is most like a sociopath too.
Whatever he did, my x-spath refused to see him in the hospital while on his deathbed, nor did he attend the funeral.
BBE:
Yeah, lots of company on that in Liverpool. Sigh. I think that in itself is one of the reasons mine is the way he is…growing up in Liverpool in the 70s.
Wow, yeah, your spath’s dad really did something horrible for your spath to refuse to see him. Maybe he sexually abused him?
Louise;
This is my slippery slope of empathy! I do not think his father abused him, as the x-spath was estranged from him at the age of 4. However, to have such hate only one of two things could have happened: 1) Father left, became very successful but did not “share the wealth” with the x-spath, his mother and sister; 2) Became a local “drunk” and was still loosely know to the x-spath. He never discussed his childhood other than saying he grew up poor and I tend to think #2.
Yes, Liverpool was horrible in the 1979s and early 1980s — the “Detroit” of the UK. Growing up poor and fatherless in an urban environment seems to put boys already predisposed to a higher risk of developing sociopathy.
The x-spth’s mom died the same month as his father. The x-spath was about 20 at the time. They were even in the same hospital at the same time.
I have a theory on how all this would fit in with what appears to be the x-spath’s case of “acquired sociopathy.” More later gotta run.
But thank god for this site, You can see how my very strong empathy regarding his childhood who leave me forever vulnerable to him otherwise…
BBE:
I know, I get it…I am with you on the empathy thing.
I doubt his father became wealthy…very unlikely. Although, mine has done very well for himself so it can be done. It was most likely #2. Mine also told me he grew up poor. He told me they didn’t even have inside plumbing, but I wondered if that was common there during that time??? How would I know, yeah?
Yep, that is what I have heard about Liverpool in the 70s and 80s. Mine wasn’t fatherless and from what I gathered probably actually loved his dad. It was his mom who he had issues with and I think he married a woman just like her…truly. His wife is NOT feminine at all and actually looks mean. Just makes me sick.
Wow so he lost both parents at the same time…must have been tough even though he didn’t want anything to do with the dad.
You know, I think that is what made my spath so adorable. It’s like he is a rough and tumble kind of guy who grew up to to be this executive in $150 dress shirts and $800 Bally shoes…wow, talk about cog/diss 🙁
Louise;
My xspath fled Liverpool as soon as he could. He actually went to very good schools and has a college degree.
If my complete picture of him is correct, he lands in London in the late 1990s and jumps into the gay scene, This he admitted to me in the only coversation regarding his relationship and sexual past. He said
that when he first moved to London, he was like a kid in a candy shop…
Since he also admitted to periods of depression and being on antidepressant medication, I gather he was depressed and acting out sexually and drugs and alcohol…
Being a cute, young twinkie guy, he could act out every night. I would not be surprised that its was during this period he became HIV+, assuming I a? Correct on this.
If he was not a sociopath by then, seroconverting would have pushed him over the edge…
BBE:
I don’t know when mine escaped, but he also has a college degree (but from a University in Liverpool…I won’t name it here) and is brilliant actually. He only escaped though to Manchester which is a nearby city, but a nice one it seems like. I know he lived in a very expensive house in Manchester.
Yeah, mine was and maybe still is escaping depression by drinking and also sexually. I just wonder why some of us act out in that way and some don’t? I mean, I have been hurt extremely badly over all this and have been really depressed, but I did not become an alcoholic, drug addict or even acted out sexually. Something to contemplate.
The theory on sexual acting out is that since normal people, even men look for a deeper connection, sexual acting out leaves normal people feeling empty. Not so with the sociopath.
Trust me, I can act out with the best of them and it alwas left me depressed and feeling empty.
That many in the gay community embrace acting out, even preach it, is confirmation in my mind that many more gays are sociopths than in sttraight society, as would be expected given the woumb testosterone theory on sociopath and homosexuality.
BBE:
I agree. I always had this horrid thought also…I thought about how the spath was acting out and looking for something, anything to make him feel better…to not feel empty and then when he was with me…most likely just feeling empty afterwards. That makes me feel dreadful. I wanted him to feel better with me, not worse, but all things point to him feeling just more emptiness. Oh, wait…do I have this backwards? You think he doesn’t feel empty afterwards?
BBE
My relationship with my spath was brief, and even at that, I often cried during sex. I am in my 40s, always had good relationships, and previously I never cried during sex (or before, or after for that matter).
I wasn’t even clear on WHY I cried. But now I get it. Even though I didn’t quite get what was going on at a conscious level, I understood at an unconscious level. My body knew it was all bad.
Athena
A good movie with Denzel Washington about spaths – how they slime people – it’s a little bit of a stretch, but still insightful.
“THE FALLEN”.
Athena