Although some see sociopaths as too emotionally deficient to experience the despair necessary to suicide, I see suicide as offering a viable option for some sociopaths, and I’m going to explain why.
Let me start with a bit of crude, brutal logic: for many sociopaths, as we know, life is very much a game; hence, when game over, life over. No more game, what’s left? The answer may be, nothing.
And yet it may be less “despair” and “depression” with which the sociopath is left when his act has been shut-down than his preferring no longer to deal with an existence he knows will cease supplying the gratifications to which he’s grown accustomed, perhaps addicted and certainly privileged.
In the face, then, of this massive problem, the sociopath, with his notorious penchant for escaping inconvenient situations, may consider “checking-out” out of life—suiciding—when it, too, becomes insolubly inconvenient.
Some sociopaths, recognizing that their run of exploitation has ended, may use suicide as a final act of rebellion and contempt, as if to express, “See! You may have apprehended me, but watch! I’ll kill myself, and so I’ll escape again! Nobody gets me. Nobody makes me account! I am accountable to myself only, and now I choose to disappear, permanently. Ha!”
Of course, we’re all acquainted with the incarcerated sociopath who seeks his death, and may even generate publicity around his quest to be capitally executed. His is the case of the imprisoned sociopath asking the state, in effect, by proxy, to assist him in his suicide. What are we to make of this?
For some, the specter of the prisoner seeking execution arouses a certain sympathy; the prisoner may be seen as pursuing a form of ennobled self-justice, which may be interpreted (or rather, misinterpreted) as reflecting his belated humanity.
But what is the incarcerated, suicide-seeking sociopath really doing? Where is he really coming from? The answer is that he’s doing what he’s always done—exploiting for an edge, an advantage.
In such cases his spirited self-advocacy for death-by-state reflects some very basic sociopathic tendencies, among them his audacious grandiosity and arrogance. For even in his wretched, no-status state, here he is making noise and refusing to recognize limits—that is, he’s still attempting to exercise omnipotent control; he’s determined to determine even the way he dies!
But the incarcerated sociopath’s pursuit of assisted suicide-by-state is also, and probably principally, about his desire to escape a life intolerably devoid of gratifications.
Remember that, for many sociopaths, life without an ongoing infusion of gratification is like living in prison. For some of these sociopaths, this just is not a life worth living.
It is possible that despair, finally, is a driving factor when sociopaths attempt or commit suicide. However, it is the source of his despair that’s probably most noteworthy and distinguishing: the sociopath often feels his despair as an existence intolerably devoid of sufficient gratifications, and the promise of future gratifications. And so his despair derives, ultimately, from the frustration of his greedy, insatiable demands.
Adding to his despair is the probable sense of his shattered omnipotence—that is, the sense that he can no longer exercise the kind of control over others, and control over (and satisfaction of) his gratification-habit to which he developed a deep, arrogant sense of entitlement.
The sociopath’s belief in his omnipotence, a belief deployed in the service of producing continual gratifications, gives him his superficial, if not only, purpose in life. Deprive him of it, and all bets are off.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns was for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
“I agree. I always had this horrid thought also”I thought about how the spath was acting out and looking for something, anything to make him feel better”to not feel empty and then when he was with me”most likely just feeling empty afterwards. That makes me feel dreadful. I wanted him to feel better with me, not worse, but all things point to him feeling just more emptiness. Oh, wait”do I have this backwards? You think he doesn’t feel empty afterwards?”
Louise;
For a long time, I harbored the notion that if I had another chance with him, I could end his obvious emptiness as well as the emptiness I was feeling as a result of him. But the simple fact is that since they cannot form normal bonds, they are going to feel empty with anyone once the initial attraction wears off. They will try to keep us around to help fill some of the emptiness (somebody to talk with, chat with, grab a beer) but they are looking for somebody else.
I think the only time spaths feel what they consider “love” is pure lust, when they meet somebody who is their exact sexual type.
Now that I know my x-spath spends a huge amount of time online, it is obvious he has an inability to connect, as he has an unbroken string of online activity as a “single” person going back 8 years from what I found and I am sure I only found the tip of the iceberg.
Skylar;
“I have to give them credit for keeping a straight face. If I was to tell such preposterous lies, I wouldn’t be able to keep from laughing out loud…”
Again, for the newbies here, the single biggest WTF moment in my 40 gay years:
Third date, world famous restaurant in NYC, at the end of dinner, I ask the x-spath if he wants to go back to my apartment for a beer. He storms out on me.
Outside, he tells me that “I offended his British reservedness by asking me back to your flat” and “I am sorted and not the type to more that fast….”
At the same time, he has an online profile with the words: “my hobbies are lads, a pint, some talking, then a bit of fooling around.”
In the court of sociopathy, I rest my case.
😆
Edit: your spath’s 180 departure from the truth, reminded me of the last time my spath said I love you. The very next day, I figured out the con. It was blowing my mind how sincerely he had said it. He held me in his arms and looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t hate you honey, I LOVE you!” That’s when I knew that everything he had ever said was a lie. He could tell lies like normal people breathe oxygen, there was no indication of distress at all.
Skylar;
I met thus guy about six weeks ago. I went on two dates with him but very honestly told him that it was best we be friends. There was no sex and no leading on by me. I know this very much disappointed him but he said he was OK with that.
Two weeks ago I met him for dinner. After dinner, walking back to his car, he held my hand. This made me uncomfortable, but since his is European, I did not make too much of it. Then he asked me back to his apartment for a beer. I simply declined. No histrionics, no protests that “I am not like that.”
I am very clear not to lead this guy on. He has great qualities that could easily be exploited by a sociopath, but since I am not a sociopath I clear about our boundaries and I would not even let him buy me an unreciprocated drink.
The x-spath continued to play me, including sleep-over, but no overt sexual dates. Looking back at these, I know see them as controlling and teasing. However, given his probable HIV, that we never had real sex is something I thank him for.
BBE, being “friends” with someone who is sexually attracted to you is almost IMPOSSIBLE. I say “almost” because it may be done on occasion but NOT often. Especially in a new friendship.
BBE, yeah….it’s the GAME with spaths. Some are quick to pounce, and others relish the long-con. The current exspath played me up for about 8 months before we ever even met. He claimed to be “patient,” and he sure as hell was! And, here I thought that his “patience” was a true virtue! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
BBE, you’re healing and growing SO much – look back on some of your posts from a year ago! You’re doing great! I hope I’m doing as well a year from now. 🙂
OxD, you’ve got that 100% right – sexual tension is the elixir of spaths. I don’t intend to EVER have a relationship of sexual intimacy for the rest of my life. This is not to say that I don’t believe that there are truly healthy relationships, but I’m not willing to risk even the tiniest bit of progress that I make. No partners. No “I love you.” No THANK you! 😀
Truthspeak;
Thank you. I am doing much better. I thank everyone here because it was Ox Drover who really got me thinking about PTSD and perhaps its implications to me.
To that, while I truly believe was to root of my issues, it appears to the “experts” as Cyclothymia, as it is also a HPA-Axis disturbance. I am not going to argue that, and to be honest, I was disappointed that the treatment was Xanax, which I predicted would make me feel horrible, and it did. However, it reinforced my determination to take a holistic approach which slowly has me feeling better, along with a low-dose of the only anti-depressent that works for me without unacceptable side-effects.
BBE,
your new friend may think you are playing hard to get, the way your exspath did. All kinds of people play games, so it’s going to be hard to find someone who doesn’t.
My spath played it VERY cool with me. I found it so un-nerving because no man had ever NOT tried to make a move on me after a date. Finally I just kissed him to get it over with. He just smiled and said good night. This was after our second date. The plan was to portray 180 degrees the opposite of what he really wanted. This was so as not to scare the prey.
I’ve heard it’s a component of horse training too. With a wild horse, you play a game with the horse by alternately facing the horse, then turning your back to it. It confuses the horse about whether you are predator or herd animal.
Skylar;
The new friend was direct and I told him I just want to be friends. There is a possibility, however, that he thinks I am playing hard to get…