Although some see sociopaths as too emotionally deficient to experience the despair necessary to suicide, I see suicide as offering a viable option for some sociopaths, and I’m going to explain why.
Let me start with a bit of crude, brutal logic: for many sociopaths, as we know, life is very much a game; hence, when game over, life over. No more game, what’s left? The answer may be, nothing.
And yet it may be less “despair” and “depression” with which the sociopath is left when his act has been shut-down than his preferring no longer to deal with an existence he knows will cease supplying the gratifications to which he’s grown accustomed, perhaps addicted and certainly privileged.
In the face, then, of this massive problem, the sociopath, with his notorious penchant for escaping inconvenient situations, may consider “checking-out” out of life—suiciding—when it, too, becomes insolubly inconvenient.
Some sociopaths, recognizing that their run of exploitation has ended, may use suicide as a final act of rebellion and contempt, as if to express, “See! You may have apprehended me, but watch! I’ll kill myself, and so I’ll escape again! Nobody gets me. Nobody makes me account! I am accountable to myself only, and now I choose to disappear, permanently. Ha!”
Of course, we’re all acquainted with the incarcerated sociopath who seeks his death, and may even generate publicity around his quest to be capitally executed. His is the case of the imprisoned sociopath asking the state, in effect, by proxy, to assist him in his suicide. What are we to make of this?
For some, the specter of the prisoner seeking execution arouses a certain sympathy; the prisoner may be seen as pursuing a form of ennobled self-justice, which may be interpreted (or rather, misinterpreted) as reflecting his belated humanity.
But what is the incarcerated, suicide-seeking sociopath really doing? Where is he really coming from? The answer is that he’s doing what he’s always done—exploiting for an edge, an advantage.
In such cases his spirited self-advocacy for death-by-state reflects some very basic sociopathic tendencies, among them his audacious grandiosity and arrogance. For even in his wretched, no-status state, here he is making noise and refusing to recognize limits—that is, he’s still attempting to exercise omnipotent control; he’s determined to determine even the way he dies!
But the incarcerated sociopath’s pursuit of assisted suicide-by-state is also, and probably principally, about his desire to escape a life intolerably devoid of gratifications.
Remember that, for many sociopaths, life without an ongoing infusion of gratification is like living in prison. For some of these sociopaths, this just is not a life worth living.
It is possible that despair, finally, is a driving factor when sociopaths attempt or commit suicide. However, it is the source of his despair that’s probably most noteworthy and distinguishing: the sociopath often feels his despair as an existence intolerably devoid of sufficient gratifications, and the promise of future gratifications. And so his despair derives, ultimately, from the frustration of his greedy, insatiable demands.
Adding to his despair is the probable sense of his shattered omnipotence—that is, the sense that he can no longer exercise the kind of control over others, and control over (and satisfaction of) his gratification-habit to which he developed a deep, arrogant sense of entitlement.
The sociopath’s belief in his omnipotence, a belief deployed in the service of producing continual gratifications, gives him his superficial, if not only, purpose in life. Deprive him of it, and all bets are off.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns was for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Dear Romantic fool,
How did your ex act when you first told him things weren’t working out (because of his lies), did he deny them and try to seduce you into staying with you? Professions of undying love, etc.? When you made it clear that it was for good, what was his response?
Just want to know because I have told mine I want to separate and divorce, he just doesn’t get it. The people here have given me advice on how he could turn mean and possibly violent, I have never seen outward violence from him. But I know I need to be prepared. I feel paraniod and took a sample of the coffee he brings me in the morning. I’ve had an upset stomac twice after drinking it. Don’t know if they are related. I’m at the point that I don’t know what is possible. Once he said he had a metalic taste in his mouth. I know from the web that arsnic tastes metalic.
I know I’m sounding extremely paranoid, and probably will be until he’s out of the house. Thanks
Sister, I amm WITH YOU ON THE SUICIDE THREATS. The thing is that MOST THAT THREATEN aare really NOT going to make a REAL attempt, just pretend to make an attempt. The ones who DO IT don’t warn others that they intend to do it, they just DO IT. I have known some people who did a gesture of suuicide (fake) and ALMOST pulled it off for REAL but did NOT intend to. They miscalculated and ended up in a coma cause their rescuers didn’t get there in time, or they actually did die, but had tried to “save” themselves at the last.
A former foster kid of mine DID IT and he had never threatened it. I think what happened was he was seriously depressed and got medeication for it from his familoy doctor and got BETTER ENOUGH that he had the ENERGY then to DO IT. That is a side effect of antidepressant medications that are filled by “family doctors” who don’t make the person get any other help or monitoring. It is something that we were warned about in school….and I never Rx’d a Rx for antidepressants for anyone that was not CLOSELY monitored for that tendency. Especially if they were VERY depressed.
For those that DO it, I think there may be two reasons, one is that they want to punish those that are left with GUILT, or they ARE so in pain that they want to escape the pain and can’t see a way out. (People who are terminally ill are exempted from the first reason).
The rest of the people who “threaten” suicide I think are just trying to play a “trump card” of “give me what I want or I will puniush you”—and to those I say, LET ME LOAD THE GUN FOR YOU.
Hope, I never told him it was over. He went to see my therapist, who he had seen when we were having trouble before. He came home, took both my hands into his, looked deeply and sincerely into my eyes…and I thought, boy this one is gonna be a DOOZY! It was too! He said my therapist had told him the only way to save our relationship (which he had been declaring was just fine) was a trial seperation for six months with no contact. He kept stressing he didn’t want out of the relationship, he loved me, but Rocky (my therapist) had said it was our ONLY hope. Whoo boy! I wanted so badly to say “When did you forget I’m not dumb?” A good therapist suggests, would never say “only way”. Plus, I had discussed this with Rocky when we were having trouble before. I just pulled my hands back and looked at him. Everything broke. It felt just like that, shattered. Pay no attention to the little man behind the curtain. We were supposed to be leaving to visit his family, his mother was in IC after heart surgery and he hadn’t let me visit before. Obviously, I wasn’t going to visit that day. I found out later she had died the day before, thus leaving him a place to live.
10 minutes after he was gone I had proof of the affair I had suspected and he had laughingly denied. I did confront him on this and he went totally crazy. Told me if I was wondering why he was taking so many pills it was to deal with the pain of living with me, I would never change. Since at this point I was so ill I couldn’t walk without help and only knew he was taking over the counter meds I didn’t know what he was talking about. But he blamed everything on me and was textbook addict behavior, which I have had experience with. I realized I was not dealing with a rational person. This was all internet and by phone. When the confrontation came face to face and we started to argue, he was so verbally violent my instincts kicked in and I backed off. From then on I pretended to believe in the “trial seperation” I began to put the clues together and realize I had a very sick narcisistic person on my hands. A web friend pointed out he might be more than that and pointed me towards LoveFraud.
LOL, I caught him stealing from me when he didn’t know I was home. He was loading stuff into his pickup and I was peeking out, not wanting to see him in person if I didn’t have to. I really hadn’t got it into my head yet that he was deliberately trying to kill me, so when I saw him loading my stuff up…he left me with no money and I needed my stuff to sell…I went out and casually mentioned he had loaded several of my things. He said he had just taken them to “store” for me…as if his mom’s place wasn’t overstuffed as it was. I then asked him why, if we were getting back together in 6 months, he was moving all his stuff out. He mumbled something and I let it ride. I don’t think to this day that he ever noticed that not ONCE did I beg him to stay with me, not to leave, as I had the time before. After the first meeting, I only cried in front of him when I talked about his mother…he, a mama’s boy, was completely emotionless. I had ceased to matter, so he didn’t have to be on stage for me any more. I knew the truth about him, so basically I didn’t exist for him any more.
I changed the lock before he came back from the weekend. He never mentioned it. I had said “If you are going to leave, then go” when he was dragging out the breakup scene, realizing he was enjoying it. He told everyone I was crazy and had kicked him out of the house.
Please, please, please, listen to your gut and be paranoid. I hated his lying, but the lies I told myself were worse and almost got me killed. For two years he messed with my meds and we are pretty sure he was doping me with the date rape drug. Every time I wanted to go somewhere, I would suddenly get tired and couldn’t wake up. This is actually what tipped off my web friends. I was so excited about going out to the Harry Potter movie for Halloween, I was up and dressed and ready to go, as by then I was so weak it was exhausting just to get ready. So two hours before we were to leave I was chatting with my friends. Half an hour before, I suddenly got very sleepy and went to lie down. I couldn’t wake up. One of my friends said even her husband said “is her husband handling all of her meds?” Of course he was. I took anything he handed me, allergy medicine, food, soda, whatever. I used to joke if he ever wanted to get rid of me, all he had to do was slip me the wrong meds. Dummy, I even gave him the idea!
So don’t trust the food. Have your car checked, make sure he KNOWS that someone knows your car is all right. Try to keep someone either with you or on call at all times and make sure he knows you are being watched over. You don’t have to be blatent, just have a friend or family member make their presence known, have them call to check up on you while he is there. Be casual.
Mine never tried to win me back, because I knew what he was. The last thing he wants is a live ex. He wanted the oh-so-sad-romantic ending, how after all his love and nursing and tender care, his soul mate pathetically died. HE was the one who told everyone we were soul mates, not me. However, I have been through the push me-pull you with addicts. I went back and forth for years with one guy. After that experience, one person said “you just keep opening that door up and saying OH! You couldn’t have meant to hurt me like that! and he just keeps slamming your head in it.” Truth hurts! So when I’m done, I’m done. I’ll fight like heck for it, but if the other half isn’t meeting me part way, it’s time to give it up as too dysfunctional.
Get legal council as soon as possible. You can’t afford not to. Others here will have better advice on that. I only know what NOT to do, and that is to trust him in any way, shape or form.
Hugs! I’m humming “We are the Champions!” for you and all of us!
Oxdrover, during the times I have been seriously suicidal, I have NEVER called any one I know, only the hot line. Although once after the X had done with me I did have someone take me to the hospital because I couldn’t trust myself not to cut or do something worse. I ONLY had cutting urges during the time I was with X. A whole lot of my “craziness” went out the door with him and his drugs.
Romanticfool,
I threatened suicide about 6 years ago. I’m embarassed about it now, I felt invisible and was drinking and depressed. I still have a hard time talking about it because I wasn’t going to go through with it, just wanted husband to notice I was alive. Again very dumb! He was cool as a cucumber, the next day was playing piano and came into the kitchen saying that he thought I belonged in a mental institution. I begged him not to send me and told him I would get help.
This was the first time the spath talked about sending me elsewhere, but he never gave up the idea. I think it’s like you said, they want to be the martyr, the victim, poor me, I have to care for my mentally ill wife. Better to pick up bimbos with. Sooooooo sick.
He had looked up psychiatric medications on the internet and casually asked me about my medications. (thyroid and allergy meds.) I told my therapist and she said just watch what your taking and know what your pills look like. I think she thought I was a little paranoid.
No one knows the mind games they play and how they operate. Mine was so good at gaslighting, I was too enmeshed to see how evil he was. So good to be out of the fog but he can pull me back in so easily.
I no longer take ANYTHING at face value. I wish I never went through that suicidal thing because I knew I could never do that to my kids.
It is the pain of living with a disordered person and having no self esteem. He won’t define me!!!!!!!
So glad you are in a better place. Blessings
Dear Romantic,
I’m glad that you are not living with the psychopath. It is ONLY I think when we GET AWAY from them that we can even start to heal. Just them breathing in the same air we do TAINTS it and makes the air toxic. As long as we are around them they poison us with their presence…literally or figuratively.
I’m glad that you learned to quit sticking your head in the door over and over….while he slams your head in it. To many times people who are “trauma bonded” just keep playing the game of “ahw, ain’t it awful” like Browneyes’ friend is doing. Until she quits wanting to “game play” and REALLY wants to help herself and actually DO SOMETHING besides talk about her husband’s abusive treatment, nothing we can say will penetrate the trauma shell she has formed. I’ve been there, bitched about my family’s treatment of me for decades but didn’t really DO anything about it til lmy P-son tried to have me killed. Just lucky he didn’t succeed.
I realize now NO one could have saved me, only myself. I’m glad I quit feeling sorry for myself and trying to fix them, and started to protect and fix myself! That works!!!!!
On this subject my dear readers I refer you to the latest tragedy to hit the UK: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1283857/CUMBRIA-SHOOTINGS-Tax-drove-mass-murderer-Derrick-Bird-edge.html
In one of the most naturally beautiful areas of England, the man gunned down 12 people at point blank range, injured 25 others and then when the police were finally catching up with him he killed himself.
Interesting thing is, he has a history of financial theft going back 20 years and is believed to have gone on the killing spree because of being investigated by the taxman and his wealthy brothers refusing to bail him out. He became a grandfather last week apparently and still killed himself – normal people would be deterred from this sort of action by a new baby in the family surely. I suspect there was more than a little bit of sociopathy in him. Even his photo gives me the creeps – there’s ‘something’ about the guy, he’s not quite right. I think it was more sociopathy than mental illness myself….take a gander at the article anyhow…
Many “normal” people can’t “imagine” how a SANE person could do this kiind of thing, so therefore they think the person was “out of their mind” when in fact, they are just MEAN AND EVIL, not “sick.” A really “sick” person doesn’t do this sort of thing, only psychopathic creeps filled with hate and entitlement.
Well, at least he saved the UK the price of a trial. Let the DEVIL take him, I believe his butt is on fire now!
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn’t granted, it is learned.
Totally off the wall……but this sure hit home with me.
I learned patience when the spath kidnapped the kids and they were gone for 3.5 months. (among other lessons).
I dont know what the woman who gave birth to me could be labeled as anymore but I go for Narcissist, so this isnt a story about a sociopath per se but I want to share it.
I had ‘second hand’ contact with her this last weekend, through my daughter, who she ‘bought’ last year, I say last year but I actually think it started when she was born… she gave my daughter everything I couldn’t, undermined me at every turn…long story. I have once again after this reminded my daughter not to discuss her with me (I figure she knows this stuff will filter through so I want to cut that out, bit difficult without going NC with daughter…who is the NEW supply in my absence…)
Annyway, daughter called me Monday to say that she was worried about her grandmother as she had been on the phone to her all weekend wailing and threatening to kill herself (a 60 year old woman – but it’s ALWAYS been like this) that she had decided to first change her will to cut me and my sisters out and my sisters baby and leave everything to my daughter, my son (who she has never shown interest in – he’s a bit ‘difficult’;) and a cousin.
Turns out that My sister had had a birthday party for her baby and invited her partners very normal parents and our quite nice ex- stepmother. The woman who gave birth to me seems to be trying to do the same with my sisters child as she did with mine (steal it emotionally/physically) and basically kicked off that my sister had invited anyone who could be perceived as a threat to her control (the in-laws, the stepmother) She demanded that they be uninvited! Sister says F-orf. Woman who gave birth to me creates a big stink about how everyone is attacking HER.
So basically this woman (I use the term loosly) threatend to KILL herself and change her will because she felt a loss of control over a one year old baby. She had my sister in a state of panic on a day she should have been enjoying and my daughter jumping like a cat on a hot tin roof!!
I really hope they see this for what it is.
My advice to my daughter: dont listen to the baby dramas, if she say’s she is sucidal you:
1.) call her an ambulance to her home straight away like any normal person would if they knew someone was suicidal.
2.) tell her she needs to get to a G.P stat because she is suffering from depression.
END OF.
Of course the woman who gave birth to me would not WANT and ambulance outside her home or to go to the G.P or to get help (like most of us who have felt suicidal) because she’s NOT! She is after all practically perfect in every way, not like the rest of us ‘nutters in therapy’.
It’s about. CONTROL. PERCEIVED LOSS OF IT and PURE SPITE.