Are sociopaths who cry “sensitive sociopaths,” or just extra clever sociopaths? What’s going on when sociopaths cry? Is their crying ever sincere, or always insincere? Is it ever deep, or always superficial? Always calculated, or sometimes spontaneous?
In short, what’s the deal with sociopaths and the crying game?
There are some sociopaths—more classical, Cleckley-like sociopaths—who can “cry on demand,” by which I mean cry, as if spontaneously, from a consciously manipulative agenda. Many of these sociopaths can summon displays of emotional vulnerability, like tearful anguish and contrition, with the skill of the gifted character actor.
In some cases, to extend the metaphor, some sociopaths—in the moment—may be so in character as to “virtually believe” in the authenticity of their presentations. These sociopaths may conjure tears, for instance, and then see the tears they’ve conjured as evidence, as ratification, of the sincerity of their response.
I use the term “virtually believe” to denote the sociopath’s capacity, in these cases, to almost delude himself into believing that he’s as sensitive and vulnerable as his presentation would suggest, when in fact—that is, when in reality—he’s, of course, shallow and fraudulent.
Conversely, there are also sociopaths who, producing seemingly spontaneous displays of vulnerable emotion, remain aware of the inauthenticity of their theatrics. That is, these sociopaths recognize that they are acting even as they may be successfully convincing others that they’re not.
What partly covers, or protects, sociopaths who engage the “crying game” is the inherent challenge of separating spontaneity and authenticity. That is, we tend to assume that what’s spontaneous is also authentic—indeed, that spontaneity itself virtually proves authenticity.
But this is a fallacy, which is to say that what’s spontaneous isn’t necessarily authentic. The sociopath’s ability, for instance, to conjure tears spontaneously—that is, at any given, self-serving moment —certainly doesn’t certify his emotional display as authentic.
But is this to say that sociopaths’ tears and crying are always, by definition, inauthentic? I wouldn’t say so, at least not definitively. But I would suggest that where, arguably, the sociopath’s tears are not a product of sheer manipulativeness and inauthenticity, the emotion(s) driving his tears will, by definition, be shallow and invariably selfish.
So, for instance, the sociopath choking up in the courtroom upon hearing the verdict “guilty” that will lock him away for life, may be conveying real emotion—he may really feel bad, upset; however, to the extent that he’s really suffering, we can know that he’s suffering not from what he took or stole from his victim(s), but from what he feels has been taken or stolen from him (for instance, his freedom).
He will suffer, in a word, as victim, not victimizer.
And should he appear to “grieve” his situation—versus protest it with his narcissistic rage—again let me stress: he will be grieving as victim, not victimizer. And his grief, like everything else about him, will be shallow, and dissipate quickly; and then he’ll reinhabit his usual state of emotional nullity.
But again, even in cases where his disarming loss of emotional composure—his tearfulness, for example—isn’t purely manipulative and play-acting, we can surmise that, often, this will reflect less the sociopath’s genuine, deeply felt emotion, like sadness, than a buildup of tension and stress associated with developments unfavorable to his interests (for instance, a jury’s return of “guilty”)—all of which may culminate in an emotional discharge of tension, which occasionally may take the disarming form of a passing squall of tears.
(Thanks to Lovefraud member Newlife, inspirer and friend, for prompting my initial consideration of this subject, which I intend to expand in a near-term post. As always, my use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are incapable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
ErinBrock
Hope:
He’s doing this nicey nice because he senses in you your done! And he doesn’t want to lose his supply.
It’s temporary….because when they don’t get their way….they don’t have the drive to be nice for long….they are sprinters….not long distance runners.
The nicey nice, turns quickly into abuse.
He already thinks it’s ‘two against’ one…..and he’s ‘on’ to your daughters anger towards him.
I’m sure at her age, she can’t hide it well……nor should she have to.
Try to keep her out of anything and everything in his presence. Tell her your gonna do this…..and if he brings up an issue in her presence, (warn her privately) tell her that this is an adult issue that doesn’t pertain to her, can your father and I have some privacy to discuss this. This will take his heat off her and throw him off guard.
He’s hiding something……and when my spath couldn’t ‘get’ to me……he tried the kids…..becasue no mother could ignore that……so he got his needs met through this tactic.
I can’t say how your spath will react….I don’t know him or his history or his ‘cycles’.
I do know, if they know you want something…..they will go in opposite directions against your wishes.
Like leaving.
Expect ANYTHING…….
YOU and only you can set YOUR timeline…..SET IT and follow through with it.
If you waver, you’ll waver for years…….get out while the gettings good.
HE WON”T CHANGE!!!!
Buttons
EB…..awesome suggestions and insight.
I would also suggest getting firearms OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Hopeforjoy
EB,
The counselor told my husband yesterday that our daughter and he had a huge chasm between them and that he has to do the work to make it better. Husband says he has a plan to get our daughter to trust him. Makes me scared just thinking about any ‘plan’ that he has. Ugh
Buttons
Hopeforjoy, I just saw your response. You’ll grow a backbone, yourself, dear one! This is when those little tentacles are going to come out and wrap themselves around your spine to provide support!
This isn’t about the spath’s feelings – he has none. He just has “wants.” Don’t worry about his feelings! I used to be exactly the same way – I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Guess what? I can be truthful and honest without being malicious. The spath can’t. You’re not deliberately inflicting damage, Hope – you’re practicing survival and that’s the bottom line.
TOWANDA!!!!
ErinBrock
Yes….no weapons!
And, I’m not so sure he doesn’t have access to your computer.
Key logger….or whatever….
I would suggest looking into that, and in the meantime….changing passwords weekly and NEVER letting him have access.
His behaviors could be the result of that he knows what your up to from your writings.
Rosa
No weapons??
Not even a taser?
“Don’t tase me bro!!!” 🙂
http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/dont-tase-me-bro-uf-student-tasered-remix/a55742c8697c43023cd2a55742c8697c43023cd2-55968858583
I want to buy one of those tasers.
I think they are the cat’s meow….even better than pepper spray.
ErinBrock
Rosa~
No weapons for the spath…..WE of course can be ‘armed up’.
🙂
Reminds me when kids called the police when spath was balistic…..
After the fact……he was claiming (months later) that he was tazed by the ‘pigs’. NEVER a story I had heard from him….yet he delighted in telling others…..DRAMA!!!
He was even accusing other cops….Oh, what are you gonna taze me like the last time you were here?
I’m gonna file a harassment suit against you for tazing me…..
Yadayada…..
Funny, he never realized they have to report when they use the tazers…..so when he filed his report against the cops…..he looked even more STUPID ans Sociopathic!
Yes Rosa….I’ve looked at them, the cops HIGHLY recommended them instead of a gun.
ErinBrock
Well guys…..tomorrow (or in 15 min) is the day my jr. turns 18!
Well……I remember the countdown…..and I have to say….it’s kinda a relief to know I am not responsible – legally for him. I can let go of that ‘idea’.
It’s up to him now…..
He’s NOT going to graduate…..and this breaks my heart!
We will see how he does as an adult. I’m still seeing tendencies of his fathers behaviors……BUT he does have compassion and empathy….I see that also.
I’m hoping he can find his way…..but to be honest….he’s worn me out….so 18 is a gift he’s giving ME!
We just had a nice chat about life and responsibilities and he said…..he has noticed, and it’s boggled him ‘why’….that wehn he is NOT at home….he is more respectful and accomodating….to others….but at home he doesn’t care..
I told him I thought it was a lack of respect for me and he takes me for granted and all I provide.
I said he treats me the worst, because I am the closest…and he knows he would NEVER get away with some of his crap ‘on the streets’.
BUT…..I also reminded him…….that now….he’s on his own…..dream….but achieve!!!!
Wow……I made it to 18!!!! COOL!
super chic
Congratulations to you and Jr.!
I know you are right about family
taking each other for granted.
My daughter and I used to speak crazy
to each other. I wish I could take it all back.
Anyway… is Jr. staying at home???
Are you going to bake a cake?
Does he know he’s not going to graduate?
I seem to remember you writing that he didn’t realize it
a few months ago. Maybe summer school?
They probably can’t afford that anymore in CA.
Happy Birthday JR !!!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
ouuuu, pictures of a child’s mother in his room! what an idiot.