Are sociopaths who cry “sensitive sociopaths,” or just extra clever sociopaths? What’s going on when sociopaths cry? Is their crying ever sincere, or always insincere? Is it ever deep, or always superficial? Always calculated, or sometimes spontaneous?
In short, what’s the deal with sociopaths and the crying game?
There are some sociopaths—more classical, Cleckley-like sociopaths—who can “cry on demand,” by which I mean cry, as if spontaneously, from a consciously manipulative agenda. Many of these sociopaths can summon displays of emotional vulnerability, like tearful anguish and contrition, with the skill of the gifted character actor.
In some cases, to extend the metaphor, some sociopaths—in the moment—may be so in character as to “virtually believe” in the authenticity of their presentations. These sociopaths may conjure tears, for instance, and then see the tears they’ve conjured as evidence, as ratification, of the sincerity of their response.
I use the term “virtually believe” to denote the sociopath’s capacity, in these cases, to almost delude himself into believing that he’s as sensitive and vulnerable as his presentation would suggest, when in fact—that is, when in reality—he’s, of course, shallow and fraudulent.
Conversely, there are also sociopaths who, producing seemingly spontaneous displays of vulnerable emotion, remain aware of the inauthenticity of their theatrics. That is, these sociopaths recognize that they are acting even as they may be successfully convincing others that they’re not.
What partly covers, or protects, sociopaths who engage the “crying game” is the inherent challenge of separating spontaneity and authenticity. That is, we tend to assume that what’s spontaneous is also authentic—indeed, that spontaneity itself virtually proves authenticity.
But this is a fallacy, which is to say that what’s spontaneous isn’t necessarily authentic. The sociopath’s ability, for instance, to conjure tears spontaneously—that is, at any given, self-serving moment —certainly doesn’t certify his emotional display as authentic.
But is this to say that sociopaths’ tears and crying are always, by definition, inauthentic? I wouldn’t say so, at least not definitively. But I would suggest that where, arguably, the sociopath’s tears are not a product of sheer manipulativeness and inauthenticity, the emotion(s) driving his tears will, by definition, be shallow and invariably selfish.
So, for instance, the sociopath choking up in the courtroom upon hearing the verdict “guilty” that will lock him away for life, may be conveying real emotion—he may really feel bad, upset; however, to the extent that he’s really suffering, we can know that he’s suffering not from what he took or stole from his victim(s), but from what he feels has been taken or stolen from him (for instance, his freedom).
He will suffer, in a word, as victim, not victimizer.
And should he appear to “grieve” his situation—versus protest it with his narcissistic rage—again let me stress: he will be grieving as victim, not victimizer. And his grief, like everything else about him, will be shallow, and dissipate quickly; and then he’ll reinhabit his usual state of emotional nullity.
But again, even in cases where his disarming loss of emotional composure—his tearfulness, for example—isn’t purely manipulative and play-acting, we can surmise that, often, this will reflect less the sociopath’s genuine, deeply felt emotion, like sadness, than a buildup of tension and stress associated with developments unfavorable to his interests (for instance, a jury’s return of “guilty”)—all of which may culminate in an emotional discharge of tension, which occasionally may take the disarming form of a passing squall of tears.
(Thanks to Lovefraud member Newlife, inspirer and friend, for prompting my initial consideration of this subject, which I intend to expand in a near-term post. As always, my use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are incapable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i am not sure why i am posting this. it’s revealing pain, and maybe stirring it up for me. might come back and delete.
okay, we’ve talked about crying as tool of manipulation. and about false reports of ill health being used as manipulation.
…deleted…
___________________
i lived in this reality daily – the always dying, surgeries, lots of emergencies and suicide attempts. all culminating in death. and a resurrection many weeks later. not dead, not live, but ppath on a con.
what a hella!
Cat
As I write this, my ex spath is in court for stealing…AGAIN. I’m guessing he’s crying right now because he was arrogant enough to think he could take this all the way and win. His tears will be because he’s going to have a penalty this time, he’l have to spend some time in jail and at the most lenient, he will be wearing an anke bracelet. Do I care? NO.
banana-pictures of you in your child’s room? Well, I sure hope so! Good mothers do go into their child’s rooms. I go into mine! one-step is right….what an idiot!
EB: Congrats to you and your 18 yr. old! You’ve made it to a milestone in parenting and it’s time for celebration!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Cat – ankle bracelets are the new orange!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Rosa – you make me laugh. 🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
EB – I hope that it gets easier now – different in a way that gives you a rest. it’s sad, he is setting himself up for a difficult life. but at least it is his legal responsibility now. once he is out on his own, he’ll start to understand.
there are many ways and people to nurture and help with your life experience. and i thank you for your commitment to yourself and to all of us here, who are eager to learn from what you offer.
i toast you – with a nice choco martini…hmm, it’s 11 AM..ah, what the hell…cheers!
best
one step
Hopeforjoy
So he had a crying jag or something, last night. He apologized up and down for it. He just can’t imagine life without me.
What about the time I was suicidal because I felt invisible. He wanted to send me to a mental institution because I’m just like my sister (she’s bi-polar) and I begged him not to send me. The only time I felt he cared is when we had sex because he was so engaged in it. I saw no tears then. Nope, nothing. How about all the other times I was crying and begged for him to forgive me for being controlling (didn’t want him to play in a band cuz he’s all about the women), not a tear ever. None, zip.
He is laying it on sooooo thick. Every minute hugging me, telling me how much he loves me. I don’t know how to take this, I think he just feels sorry for himself and thats why he’s sad. It could be fake tears, or he could be a narcissist and this is narcisstic injury. Don’t know.
He tells me to think happy thoughts about us, to not be so pesimistic. Hello, deal with your sex issues, the way you have treated your daughter and your constant lies, then maybe we’ll talk. Actually, no, we can’t talk. He doesn’t get it. He is still blaming my counselor for our problems when she helped me find my voice. I thank God for her, and she never jumped to any conclusions in the beginning, she helped me change myself.
All my husband cares about is his reputation. He wants the happy little family because that’s what he thinks is normal. I think he wants to feel normal but can’t. I can’t fix this.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hopeforjoy – keep posting and we’ll keep reinforcing that he is playing you. keep your guard up; he is manipulating your feelings. this is a very difficult situation you are in and you are doing well. keep blocking him out, and working toward your freedom.
he isn’t going to ‘win’ this one. and trust us, that’s ALL he is trying to do. you are looking like supply disappearing and he is pouring it on thick. keep listening to yourself and you counselor and NOT him.
keep going, k? hang in there.
(((hugs)))
Hopeforjoy
EB,
There is still a chance your son will graduate. He has had some challenges and may take a while for him to mature, But that’s his journey. Now that he’s 18 you can let him know what you expect, and then it’s up to him to do the rest.
Your compassion has helped me so much on LF. It seems to me that if your son does have your compassion and empathy, he will eventually grow up. At 18 he is responsible for his own mistakes, you gave him the tools, now it’s up to him.
Good luck to you today, enjoy the freedom of knowing your son is an adult.
Best wishes on this beautiful day.
silvermoon
It is so weird to come to the place where I really get what I dealt with. he was one. No doubt. The stories here keep pointing right to the bulls eye. And so do the facts.
Finally, there are facts.
Prison. Arrests for felony and fraud in three states. Crying, health problems-pity ploys. Bigamy. Guess that covers about the whole nine yards?
Its just so weird. Alien. An ugly vortex that wanted to suck me down into it for what? If he wasn’t going to get out of it, what was going to happen except that I would go down into it.
The thing that makes it so easy to let go of is that it is such a foreign world. One that I have never been part of nor choose to be. I just don’t get it.
Damn right I don’t get it and don’t want to!
Why would I want to know how it all works? Why would I want Anything to do with it?
Why would anyone?
No, you can’t fix it, love it, talk to it or connect with it.
It is what it is.
And it is really weird, alien and foreign to anyone who attempts to be what they already are- NOT a SPATH.
In the long run they can’t WIN because they never did play anything except their own game.
“Legend in his own mind, Hero in his own time”. A tangent. A blip.
Its not about love and whatever it is about probably doesn’t matter…..
Hopeforjoy
One step,
Thanks for the encouragement. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for those words. You are all such AMAZING people!!!! Thanks for letting me vent, I feel self indulgent, but this helps so much.
I can feel my backbone growing stronger and will continue to post when it’s safe. He’s out right now, thank the lord. Otherswise he’s like a leach, I’m surprised he doesn’t come in to the bathroom with me. SSSHHHHEEEEEESSSSSHHHHHHHH