Are sociopaths who cry “sensitive sociopaths,” or just extra clever sociopaths? What’s going on when sociopaths cry? Is their crying ever sincere, or always insincere? Is it ever deep, or always superficial? Always calculated, or sometimes spontaneous?
In short, what’s the deal with sociopaths and the crying game?
There are some sociopaths—more classical, Cleckley-like sociopaths—who can “cry on demand,” by which I mean cry, as if spontaneously, from a consciously manipulative agenda. Many of these sociopaths can summon displays of emotional vulnerability, like tearful anguish and contrition, with the skill of the gifted character actor.
In some cases, to extend the metaphor, some sociopaths—in the moment—may be so in character as to “virtually believe” in the authenticity of their presentations. These sociopaths may conjure tears, for instance, and then see the tears they’ve conjured as evidence, as ratification, of the sincerity of their response.
I use the term “virtually believe” to denote the sociopath’s capacity, in these cases, to almost delude himself into believing that he’s as sensitive and vulnerable as his presentation would suggest, when in fact—that is, when in reality—he’s, of course, shallow and fraudulent.
Conversely, there are also sociopaths who, producing seemingly spontaneous displays of vulnerable emotion, remain aware of the inauthenticity of their theatrics. That is, these sociopaths recognize that they are acting even as they may be successfully convincing others that they’re not.
What partly covers, or protects, sociopaths who engage the “crying game” is the inherent challenge of separating spontaneity and authenticity. That is, we tend to assume that what’s spontaneous is also authentic—indeed, that spontaneity itself virtually proves authenticity.
But this is a fallacy, which is to say that what’s spontaneous isn’t necessarily authentic. The sociopath’s ability, for instance, to conjure tears spontaneously—that is, at any given, self-serving moment —certainly doesn’t certify his emotional display as authentic.
But is this to say that sociopaths’ tears and crying are always, by definition, inauthentic? I wouldn’t say so, at least not definitively. But I would suggest that where, arguably, the sociopath’s tears are not a product of sheer manipulativeness and inauthenticity, the emotion(s) driving his tears will, by definition, be shallow and invariably selfish.
So, for instance, the sociopath choking up in the courtroom upon hearing the verdict “guilty” that will lock him away for life, may be conveying real emotion—he may really feel bad, upset; however, to the extent that he’s really suffering, we can know that he’s suffering not from what he took or stole from his victim(s), but from what he feels has been taken or stolen from him (for instance, his freedom).
He will suffer, in a word, as victim, not victimizer.
And should he appear to “grieve” his situation—versus protest it with his narcissistic rage—again let me stress: he will be grieving as victim, not victimizer. And his grief, like everything else about him, will be shallow, and dissipate quickly; and then he’ll reinhabit his usual state of emotional nullity.
But again, even in cases where his disarming loss of emotional composure—his tearfulness, for example—isn’t purely manipulative and play-acting, we can surmise that, often, this will reflect less the sociopath’s genuine, deeply felt emotion, like sadness, than a buildup of tension and stress associated with developments unfavorable to his interests (for instance, a jury’s return of “guilty”)—all of which may culminate in an emotional discharge of tension, which occasionally may take the disarming form of a passing squall of tears.
(Thanks to Lovefraud member Newlife, inspirer and friend, for prompting my initial consideration of this subject, which I intend to expand in a near-term post. As always, my use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are incapable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Be vigilant, Hopeforjoy…..Brightest blessings to you!
One,
It is good to have the information. Something has just snapped- something like the hope anything else could be true.
Now, being real is a a new and strange place.
Not bad. But different.
silver – i see this process as coming through layers and layers of understanding, knowledge, wisdom, clarity and pain.
for me, it continues, layer after layer. the place i am touching now, one that has finds me angered daily at the things she does, is coming as i enter life and feel the goodness of normality. it shows her actions in relief against the reality of love – and you can imagine that they look very odd indeed. their is so much pain and tragedy in the world – deeply wrenching realities, and she CHOOSES to make these things up to con people. did you read my post up thread; the one with the info from the email with the fake diagnosis/ prognosis? She put me through that ON PURPOSE.
on purpose and without conscience. somehow i am feeling this as less threatening. maybe ’cause what i loved didn’t exist. and it was in loving him that i was vulnerable. his unraveling is ongoing. i tell you, being in the garden is HUGE; a major reclamation of who and what i am. it feels so real. more real than the wreckage i am still wading through in almost every area of my life.
bless you.
xx one step
You too.
Layers and layers of pain and clarity and pain and clarity.
Is that a healing or is it just life?
If you take the position that all aspects of life are like that and the SPATH is one of, then it is a lesson- an important one but only one of many.
We become who we are going to be no matter what forges we go through -is it not so?
Time to shove the wreckage over and walk away from what is broken with the confidence and enthusiasm of what is whole.
We aren’t growing- we’re shedding.
Going lite. No mas problemas.
Who ever these people were , they are immaterial to what must be done today. And that can be said again tomorrow and the next.
No mas problemas. Muy mucho travelljo!
I have let him pass and no longer feel the bond- the cords which connected my soul to his. There has been a release and I seek not to remanufacture it.
But having loved who I believed him to be, I found a part of myself I would not have known was missing.
What he did he did with intent but I do not know what IT was. He knew what the result of his inaction would be but I don’t know what motivated him to seek or allow it. There must have been a reason. He was like that.
The problems he faces are not mine and I have plenty – more than enough not to get involved in more. And there is no contribution he can make to helping me before I am forced by circumstance to help myself.
I wonder how Columbus really felt as he sailed out toward the edge of the world…?
silver – i know so little of columbus – i get caught up with him being part of the colonizing machination, but – if i were setting out, and i have many times, i would be scared and excited. and if i were setting out on purpose, out of choice, out of service to my desire for adventure and biting life, i would be empowered by the process.
here, well this is something a bit different. we are forced. it is our responsibility and choice as to how we take it up. i do see it as an opportunity, and sometimes marvel at what i know and see of myself now, because of the spath mirror…but i do not yet wholly embrace it; i am still too close to the edge of the cliff to enjoy the high air and awe inspiring view.
i think it is healing. it doesn’t feel like ‘just life’ as i knew it. but perhaps what i knew was off in some way. i have never been completely without faith before, but she wrought that in me. i have never wanted anyone so much, laughed with anyone so much – never saw what i really wanted in another. and now, i have to deal with the possible unreality of my desires…perhaps no one is like she was. as she herself was not. and perhaps to want what i want is unrealistic. i certainly don’t have it.
for me, i know that what IT was, was a con. it’s clear, given her history. she gets some sort of satisfaction out of doing it. what motivates her – i don’t know. i suspect i will know more someday, but it’s not the time. understanding what motivates me seems much more interesting and pertinent at present.
‘Time to shove the wreckage over and walk away from what is broken with the confidence and enthusiasm of what is whole.’
like gardens.
i need to trust myself a little more than i do. i am so certain/ scared that i am a jerk out there at times, and that i will not have good relations with co workers, etc. i am not good when pushed. right now, i am really not good with it.
i have managed to keep my mouth shut a couple of times lately when opening it would have been a bad idea, considering what was sitting on my tongue. i feel guilty when i am not responsible, beat myself up. and i also see how harsh and critical i am out in the world. well, except at the garden. 😉 note to self: spend all time at garden.
‘But having loved who I believed him to be, I found a part of myself I would not have known was missing.’ many of us say this. for me, it is the gift of it. i have been approaching those parts of me with trepidation the last months – not sure how to relate and fearful that i will smack at them because they loved him so much, were so wrapped up in the con, were so connable, and also trying to express them through me – making subtle changes that will be, over time, quite life changing. if i am more myself – i am sure i will be less defensive and critical, and less scared of being inappropriate or twitchy in the world.
i just got a favourable response to a job app. just a note saying that it had made it through the first vetting and that i should hear shortly for an interview. it’s a new position with a church that is deeply involved in the arts – they need someone to take care of and grow the churches use as a concert and art event venue. holy. 🙂
This being so and that being said- the tears shed and revealed and reported here are real. What do WE cry for?
Love we wanted?
Love we gave?
Fear of what IS real?
Fear of what is NOT real?
Self doubt?
Self deprivation?
What did we do wrong?
Few were psychiatrists, law enforcement agents or anyone who would not be vulnerable to being fooled because we then lacked the information and skill sets to make discovery and judgment beyond the shadow of doubt during the blinding process of falling in love.
This is unfortunate, but no crime.
It is not we who should be apologizing.
Apologies are owed and rightly by legal means and social education should be demanded.
Weep no more for what happened, but sail forward. The world in all its goodness and badness is no less than it was before we were wiser.
i think the world may now be viewed as more, now that we are wiser.
i have cried for all of the things on your list.
and for the hunger for love and support in the face of the experience.
and within self doubt there is the depression, the spirit crushing depression that where it comes to others there will never be anything other than deprivation, that all relationships will crumble and that i am responsible for, and unable to change that reality. when it is deeply dark, that is the colour of the cloth.
So it comes to me that if the integration of the inner and outer is not done to the point where going forward in any direction is no longer a matter of being confident or bold but simply a matter of being, then we have taken a step in the direction of doing the true work.
And that the voice from within which cries out that we are humbled by the experience of having been betrayed is the one which must be silenced. It is the voice that called out to the betrayer.
It is the voice that answered the betrayers call. But is a voice of an entity who is a roomate to me in this body. And as I live in this body, fully occupy it. that voice has to be evicted.
Come in the fire of Spring
your winter garment of repentence fling
for the bird of time is on the wing
and the bird has but a little way to flutter.
Great article,
I was thinking, how great it feels to come home, and be psycho free, how quiet and peaceful,it feels good.
It’s now 2 yrs, and I’m beginning to feel better, even though
I still have nightmares.
My psycho cried all the time, at first I felt bad, and then it got old real quick. she would sit in front of my door and ring the doorbell for at least 2hrs straight, and then she would start crying, when that didn’t work, she would talk bad about me to my neighbours, and then the phone would ring all night long.
I met Psycho, and things starting moving very quickly, I wanted to go slower, and get to know one another, but that was not part of her game…. I felt like there was something wrong with me, she kept pushing and pushing, no! was not part of her vocabulary.
My psycho conned me, and moved in, and then she totally changed, the mask fell off, but then I couldn’t get her out of my house,
Would never answer a question, instead she would pack all her stuff, take a shower, and very angriliy would get in her car and drive away.
She would drive around, and start calling again, and then come back, sit in front of the door with the crying, and knocking, and expect me to open the door.
The crying is a scam, these people have no feelings for other people. all they want is want they want and they will step
on your head to get it,
I went thru hell, and much more,
my mom had a dream, she came after me with a big knife, the dream became a reality, she pushed her way inside my house and whipped out the big black knife, she wanted to stab me, but ended up stabbing herself and then she called the cops to blame me, but I was gone, took my phone, key
dog, and left, the cops came, I watched as they all drove up, and I drove away.
There is no bonding, no love, they don’t care about you,
when things didn’t go her way, she would tell me over and over I’m going to fuck you up,,,, and that she did,
Its all a game to them, no empathy, no guilt, no remorse,
it’s all about them, what they need, what they want, and what they will take from you.
And they won’t let go…
imfree – I relate to your above post. It was a living hell and much more. My spath did the same thing, would pack up and leave, come back and cry and plead forgiveness. Also said ‘I will rock your fuckin world’..it is comforting to read others storys, I know that sounds weird but I think being believed is so important.