In my last LoveFraud article I discussed strategies for vetting your new partner for “personality skeletons” lurking in the “apparent” history.
I’d like to focus, here, more specifically (and in more depth) on individuals with a pattern of discarding the people in their lives.
Sociopaths and other seriously disturbed narcissistic personality types will have this history—that is, a history (past and recent) that’s almost certainly littered with friends, family, and anyone who was once useful, whom they’ve cast off ostensibly for one or another reason.
As best as possible we want to glean this history, if it’s applicable and somehow accessible. In such cases, we want to ensure that blinding defenses such as denial, avoidance, idealization and incuriosity (among others) don’t compromise our observational powers.
More than that, we want to be sharply astute to evidence suggestive of such a history.
And why? If for no other reason than that adults with a track record of cutting loose the people in their lives simply do not outgrow this pattern.
In other words, this is a deeply inscribed aspect of their character, from which none of us carries special privileges to immunity or protection.
Yes, we’ve discussed this and other aspects of pathological narcissism before, but it’s always useful, I feel, to take a fresh view of it.
As we know, sociopaths and similarly character-disordered personalities engage in relationships, and in a great many interactions, almost strictly to the extent that they perceive you to be useful to their interests.
I think we can agree that, just as soon as the exploitive personality perceives that your usefulness to him has run its course, it will follow like clockwork that his use for you will correspondingly expend itself.
These personalities measure you against the criterion of your useful shelf-life which, in a sense, puts you in a not so different category from, say, an appliance, or, for that matter, any possession or object whose utility depreciates over time.
From the height of his satisfaction with your optimal utility to him, the sociopath begins a slow, inexorable and, in some cases, disorientingly precipitous, phase of depreciating you. He may, or may not, begin this process by idealizing you. But even if he does, he won’t be idealing you; rather, he’ll be idealizing your utility to him.
I’d like to stress this point again: Sociopaths, and I include all pathological narcissists, never really idealize you; they idealize your present utility to them.
And, of course, from there, it’s all downhill.
When exploiter’s depreciation of you is complete, then it’s time to discard, and replace, you. This constitutes his “moving on.”
If he could list you as a deduction on his tax return, based on your depreciated value to him, he would.
And so his discarding may take a more literal form, like leaving or ending the relationship; or it may take the less literal, but worse, form of his staying (or hanging around) while abdicating, increasingly, any and all sense of accountability in the relationship.
Now that you give him so little of compelling worth, so little to value and use (except, among other conveniences, perhaps a roof over his head), the exploitive “partner” no longer feels he owes you much of anything.
This perspective conveniently enables his conviction of his right to pursue his gratifications elsewhere. Again, this constitutes a form of his “moving on.”
But let’s not mistake what “moving on” means to the sociopath and like-minded personalities: it means finding new victims to exploit.
He may not consciously process his agenda as such (although he might), but we know that this is his agenda.
Many sociopaths, in their warped self-centeredness, subscribe to the philosophy: I want, therefore I deserve. And so the next step follows with dangerous self-justification—taking what they want.
Again, the sociopath may not consciously think, “I deserve to have fun with the credit cards in that guy’s wallet.” But he will want the credit cards with which to have some fun, and whether consciously or not, because he wants them, he’ll feel entitled to seize and use them.
This also explains the prototypical sociopathic telemarketer: he wants the old peoples’ assets, and because he wants them, he feels entitled to take them. Deploying any and every tool in his exploitive toolbox, he then takes all the assets he can from the naive couple.
Once having taken what he can from them, they cease to have use for him, and so he cuts them loose; he discards them. That is, having fleeced them for what he could, he “moves on” in search of more gratification through prospective new victims, who may have what he wants, that he can take.
Very likely he won’t look back, and if he does, it won’t be with empathy, guilt, shame or regret.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronoun is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors discussed.)
Outlier
I’ve made new friends since last being on here – total complete opposites of the archetypal sociopath; they exhibit every trait that you recognise in yourself; they don’t possess the grand arrogance we can all identify within abusive personalities; could even be cast aside as being inferior for their appearance or their personality, but they arrest my attention for the fact they remind me that there *are* people whom we can trust and feel grounded around.
Ox Drover
Dear Hurtnomore,
Sweetie, I think you have it pegged, he is losing control over you and knows it. There really isn’t anything you can do to change his behavior or to make him see that his behavior is inappropriate or hurtful to you. I suggest just ignore it as much as you can and don’t answer your phone when you are out on a date.
Outlier
Re: cooking point in Frank Lee’s post – hmmm, the entire energy is centrered around cooking and her several hour long 5 course meal preparation. I was never allowed to touch anything; it was all hers to take care of take full credit for). We’d often wait 3 hours before we could eat as it took so long to prepare! All family celebrations of late didnt take place in the family home – but hers. She appointed herself mother of the family, host. So long as she thinks /does this, I remain as always missing from the family crowd. Her entitlement to anything she wants.. all major family gatherings in her home. 10 miles from the family base.
Aeylah
Hurtnomore010;
I dont know your age, but unless you are a teenager or a youg adult, Your instincts about your father are right on! it is not loving, or normal parental concern or behaviour for a father to be so overly concerned about his daughters dates, interfeer or show jelousy. Nor is it okay to “punish” her emotionally when her attention is on a guy. I am no one to judge or give you clinical diagnosis, but from what I have personally experienced and read, your dad sounds like a potential narcissit and definetly a control freak. This behaviour could be psychologically abusive in a very passive agressive form.
You need to set boundaries with him as you do with your dates and friends.
There are great many books on the subject, including one on toxic parents.
Keep reading and learning on the topic.
Used Brauer
Hi OxDrover,
Nice to be in touch with you again my friend! It’s been a while.
Learning,
I was wife #2 for Brauer. His first wife committed suicide. He has a whole batch of lies he tells about her death. Of course it was all her fault according to him. He attacked and humiliated her at her office the day she killed herself. She left at lunch and didn’t return. He also planned everything behind my back and surprised ME with divorce papers… served on me a work. Isn’t that how they do things? The element of surprise to throw you into a shocking tailspin? This is a guy who would call me ten times a day to tell me that he loved me!
I was discarded when he found himself a doctor to marry. I’m sure he’ll hang onto her as long as he can live the high life on her pay scale. Funny, he also has extremely thick hair. I had to laugh when I read that above.
I’m not sure why I can’t forgive him. I certainly want to forget him! God has taken care of me. I have it better than most I have read about on here and I’m certainly grateful. Maybe I just need a good punching bag with his photo taped to it!
ErinBrock
UsedBrauer:
The forgiveness is for later…..let the evolution process happen….
And YES…they are all about keeping one off BALANCE!
When we are off balance…..we can’t react ‘on our feet’……we get the knee jerk reaction.
So…it’s important for them to keep everyone off balance.
Good thing he ‘s got a new supply…..he’ll victimize her….NOT you.
Good luck!!
XXOO
EB
Buttons
{{{Brauer}}} EB’s spot-on about the forgiveness aspect. Some survivors don’t even get to that point. It has nothing to do with forgiving THEM – it’s more about me forgiving my Self for having ignored the obvious.
You’re doing fine, Brauer.
hens
Hmm Reading franklee speakings post was interesting. I love to cook, am not a great cook but I can put a good scald on a fried chicken and do darn good making gravy. I like help in the kitchen tho, I enjoyed cooking for my boy’s but they did the dishes, I liked cooking for my spath cause he couldnt boil water, but he helped with the dishes, at first, then I lost interest in cooking for him, he would take his plate to the puter and there I sat..eventually I could tell he didnt want to eat with me, sleep with me, do anything with me. So eventually I turned my head when he was on the puter at nite cause I knew he was looking for a new gig.
Yes he could go to sleep in and instant and looked like an alien in pain when he slept, it was disturbing too see, was kinda like pitiful and unnerving at the same time. And he had very thick hair with a widows peak. And yes he never seemed to reflect on anything, looking at a sunset was boring for him, but not me. If the conversation got serious and deep he would start talking about sports, he knew ever score ever made by his home town basket ball team for the past 30 years.
And yes he thot he was something superior, I mistook it for good self confidence, it was grandiosity instead, there is a difference…ok going to heat up my braums meatloaf and instant taters and open up a can of peas, any one want to join I have plenty of paper plates….
ErinBrock
CAN OF PEAS…..uuuugggghhh! Go frozen hens go frozen!
🙂
Yes spath also had thick hair with widows peak…..eddy munster. Salt and pepper……but judging by the mugshot posted in paper…..he’s dying his hair black now….hahahaha
No reflection…..no enjoyment or sharing of ‘ thoughts’…..oh, look at this flower….NOTHING.
Yes….sports was a topic of choice….actually the only topic he could discuss with any sense….(actually I don’t even know if he made sense…..cuz i’m not a sports gal)
He always took sides with the opposition…..like Michael Vic…..or Tiger Woods type situations….he’d always ‘go to bat’ for the ‘underdog’….
Ya know…..maybe I will have some of those peas now hens….
🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Eb – ‘no reflection’ how painful to live with someone like that. how deadening. umm, you meant thoughts right? not mirror?