A sociopath is someone who has a pervasive and persistent disregard for the rights and feelings of others. This disregard is manifested in the antisocial behavior sociopaths show. While we usually think of antisocial behavior as criminal, not all antisocial acts are illegal. A person who slips up once is not a sociopath. Sociopathy is a lifestyle.
Since humans are designed to live in society, a healthy personality has prosocial inclinations. Therefore, people who are pervasively antisocial are disordered in the sense that they are not the norm (thank God). Although antisocial behaviors are observable actions like lying, stealing and assault, there are personality traits that cause antisocial behavior. It should come as no surprise that people who have a sense of entitlement, over-rate their own greatness and have poor self-control are more likely to hurt others and show pervasive antisocial behavior.
The American Psychiatric Association has defined a group of personality disorders it calls “cluster B”. According to a recent paper* by German psychiatrist, Christian Huchzermeier, M.D., “ The cluster includes disturbances of personality that go hand in hand with emotional dysregulation phenomena, a tendency towards aggressive—impulsive loss of control, egoistic exploitation of interpersonal relationships, and a tendency to overestimate one’s own importance.”
The disorders of “cluster B” go together because what underlies them is a disturbance in three developmentally acquired abilities I have called The Inner Triangle. These abilities are:
Ability to Love
Impulse Control
Moral Reasoning
These abilities that a child gains during development are a triangle because the development of each depends on the other two. A child begins to acquire ability to love in the first year of life, impulse control begins in the second year of life. At two years of age there is already a link between ability to love and impulse control. Children with the best impulse control also are the most loving/empathetic. Moral reasoning begins in the third year of life and its development depends on a loving nature and impulse control. Similarly the most moral kids are also the most loving and self-controlled.
I think of the cluster B disorders as different manifestations of damage to the inner triangle. I think of sociopaths as individuals who completely lack ability to love and have impaired impulse control and moral reasoning.
Given the Inner Triangle, it should come as no surprise that it can be difficult to find people who have only one cluster B personality disorder. For that reason individuals with antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, borderline personality and histrionic personality often have symptoms of the other disorders. If someone gets a diagnosis of only one of these, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t also have one or all of the others. The person making the diagnosis simply thought that the one chosen best described the person. You should know there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled “borderline.” These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.
A recent study reported in Behavioral Science and the Law, “The Relationship Between DSM-IV Cluster B Personality Disorders and Psychopathy According to Hare’s Criteria: Clarification and Resolution of Previous Contradictions” examines the relationship between psychopathic personality traits as defined by the screening version of the PCL and Cluster B personality disorders. The authors of this study were careful to examine people who had only one cluster B disorder. They found psychopathy to be associated with all cluster B disorders.
The authors conclude:
“One clinical implication of our results, nevertheless, is that in cases where a cluster B personality disorder is diagnosed a high psychopathy value is to be expected, especially where antisocial, borderline or narcissistic personality disorder is involved. The PCL score is a better predictor of subsequent events, such as problems during (criminal) custody or a relapse into delinquency, than a diagnosis of a DSM-IV personality disorder, especially in forensic populations; therefore, an additional investigation with the PCL should be carried out, if a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed.”
It is important for Lovefraud readers to be aware of this study especially if there is a divorce/custody proceeding or a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed. Many people might think that if the partner has been “diagnosed borderline” or “diagnosed narcissistic” that means the partner is not a psychopath/sociopath. This study suggests otherwise. IF YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS THESE YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER THEIR HARMFUL BEHAVIOR AS AN INDICATION OF PSYCHOPATHY/SOCIOPATHY. There are some people with cluster B, histrionic, borderline and narcissistic disorders who are not highly antisocial. But if the person is lying, cheating and manipulating, that is antisocial behavior. This behavior in the context of any cluster B means the person is potentially very dangerous. As the authors state:
“Screening for PCL-based psychopathy can also be important for general psychiatric patients with a DSM-IV personality disorder, so that potential difficulties in the course of their treatment can be anticipated and this comorbidity can be targeted in the planning of therapy. Patients with both a DSM-IV personality disorder and PCL-based psychopathy can exhibit behavior that is particularly dangerous to therapy (Stafford & Cornell, 2003).”
If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality and reading this frightens you, I am sorry. You can improve by working on your inner triangle. Talk to your therapist about DBT a treatment that is very effective in improving the state of the Inner Triangle in people who are motivated to do it.
*The reference for the paper discussed is Behav. Sci. Law 25: 901—911 (2007).
Elizabeth, the “kill it clean it rule” wouldn’t work around here, the local hunters say that Bob Cat is the best meat in the world, I haven’t eaten any (yet) but I”m not sure they wouldn’t start on the neighborhood cats when they run out of wild cats! (My vet told me this and I believe it is true~!) I don’t believe in wasting meat, so whatever we kill we DO eat!
I do draw the line at “long pig” though! (for you who will ask, “long pig” is what the cannibals call human meat!) say it tastes like pig. Don’t know, don’t wanna find out! There used to be a weird funny web site that proported to sell human meat called “Manmeat.com” but I think someone made them shut it down, what they really sold was Tee shirts with their logo on it. LOL ONe of my college kids showed it to me when I worked at the college in student health.
I like your consequences idea though, personally I think is good parenting! My son D has worked at Boy Scout camp for 14 years as a counselor and they have some kids who have never had consequences. He is pretty laid back but no nonsense too. He is going to make a GREAT dad! If he will get married and have me some grandkids. He is PICKY about who he dates and really, I grouse about no grandkids, but I AM GLAD he is picky, he doesn’t want to end up divorced. He’s been engaged 3 x and broke all 3 engagements when something “serious” came up about their character. Broke his heart, but he stood by his moral compass and I am so proud of him! He doesn’t intend to have a divorce if it is preventable, and so uses his head as well as his heart in love.
This whole P thing and his SIL (C’s X wife) has given him something to “chew” on for sure and I think he has it about digested. He even talks about Ps and how to spot them with his friends and is spreading the word. A few weeks ago a cute little girl 26 was riding with us and very interested in both my sons, and at first they were too, she was CUTE and sweet, but after getting to know her a bit better, they both decided to pass, toooooo much baggage! Not a P, just dysfunctional and naive about the kind of guy she dates….bad choices, and needy, looking for “someone,” not “SOME ONE.” Bigg difference in the two ways to say those words. My sons are looking for some ONE, not someone. Me too!
I think we need a LF dating forum. And for Oxy and Keepingthefaith, how ’bout a special section for turning gay guys straight? LOL
It’s okay, Star, I’m still “engaged” to Henry!
LOL! Will you be exchanging skillets when you say your vows?
Jim, I think that’s the problem all of us loving enablers have, we see a potential for goodness (whether it’s real or not) in everyone and dating for us is more like choosing our next project to fix. We can’t let go of the pretty pictures in our heads and just accept that what we’re dating is what we’re looking at right now, not what they could be. Yes, people can change, but it HAS to be because they want to, and if they’re not already working on it they don’t want it. I spent years trying to get my husband to take responsibility for his life, put down the video game controller, go to work every day, help around the house, until I finally gave up and left him. We were separated for six months with every plan to divorce, but we both came to the conclusion that we loved each other enough to try to make it work, and during the six months living on his own my husband grew up and realized he needed to start taking care of business.
We should have a section in our dating forum called “The Ten Commandments of Dating” and make a list of things like:
1. Thou shall not allow anyone thou dates to abuse thee in any way, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
2. Thou shall not attempt to change anyone but thyself, and only when thou truly wish to change.
3. Thou shall not make excuses for anyone’s behavior, but allow them to take responsibility for thine own actions as thou dost thine.
My shakespearean skills are a bit rusty.
Dear Midnight,
I am so glad to hear that you and your husband got it “back together” and that he did “grow up.” Not all bad marriages are with a P.
Enablers (and I realized much to my amazement I am one) take responsibility for others and that is not a good thing, but I think we feel that if we don’t hold the world together that it will fall apart, so we keep doing the “job” and the other person doesn’t see a need for that to change, they like it like it is. Quitting the enabling, the taking responsibility for others behavior is like quitting an addiction, maybe it is one.
Learning to set firm boundaries with people you care about is difficult when you have never done it in your life. I never had trouble with people hwo were not “close” cause I didn’t care if the “relationship” with them went south. Learning to set boundaries with people I LOVE is a whole different “ball game” because when you set a boundary you have to be prepared for the relationship to go away. I never saw the relationship with those I loved “going away” as a viable possibility. I thought I would DIE if it did….NOPE. And I have now realized that I don’t want a bad relationship with ANYONE.
This NEW FREEDOM to set boundaries and NOT feel guilty, NOT be anxious and afraid, and NOT BE PITHED OFF ALL THE TIME is a heady feeling of POWER. Gosh, I am revelling in this since of independence and POWER over my own life!
The people who are in my life respect my boundaries and those people who didn’t respect my boundaries are OUT of my life and LIFE IS WONDERFUL!
Years ago I came up with an 11th Commandment “Thou shalt NOT fool thyself” (i.e. denial) and boy have I ever violated THAT COMMANDMENT! I think in the long run, the 11th commandment is violated more by everyone than the other 10 put together. I can think of several ways to re-write the LoveFRaud version of the 10 comandments. (not to be sacreligious).
With your husband too, Midnight, it is possible that he was using the video games as a “narcotic” to treat depression with. To substitute that for life, to NOT think, to stay in denial. I have seen quite a few “cases” of this when I was working in the mental health clinic and seeing patients and their families there.
Oxy, you nailed it on the head, the more depressed and powerless my husband felt, the more video games he played. As long as I was willing to take care of everything, he was willing to let me, even though it didn’t really make him feel any better.
I’m happy to see you have made it to the point where you can stop enabling and be happy with your boundaries. I hope to be there one day too. I’m working hard at it, I’ve made a lot of progress at home and with my family and friends, my biggest trouble spot now is at work. I find myself reluctantly taking on all these extra duties because they need to be done and if I won’t do it, no one will. Doing my yearly self-evaluation has helped, it made me realize that if I want to get a raise and get a better position with my company I need to focus on MY job first and stop picking up everyone else’s slack. Sometimes it’s not even a matter of other people not being able to do the job, I can just do it faster or more thoroughly, but like you said, “we feel that if we don’t hold the world together that it will fall apart.” It won’t, but it’s hard to accept that.
Midnight_Reflection:
‘ “we feel that if we don’t hold the world together that it will fall apart.” It won’t, but it’s hard to accept that.’
I had to laugh…used to feel the same (ego). Last place I worked, it was getting worse day by day…two ownership changes, backstabbing, and one particular “stirrer”, a real maelstrom of chaos. I found myself in a position to leave, gave ’em a polite and “wish you the best, etc” two-weeks notice letter, and walked out the door two weeks later.
I looked back, and the building didn’t collapse. I went back once to pick up a W-2 they were too cheap to mail. The building’s still there almost two years later.
I keep running into the ex-employees (who all “did all the work” before they were fired) and the owner at the store…nothing and nobody has changed.
I hope I have.
Do what’s good for you…in the end, that’s what you end up with.
Oxy says “…if I ever get married again it will have to be a younger man, who is rich, good looking, loves jack asses, is a pilot, aviation mechanic, AND a physical therapist or massage therapist…”
“loves jackasses” ha ha ha ha ha. It’s just so funny to read that.
Most of the men I date ARE jack asses. LOL
Jim,
Someone told me once that if you want to know how INDISPENSABLE YOU ARE, (job etc) take a bucket of water and put your fist into it, and then quickly pull it out. SEE HOW LONG THE “HOLE” LASTS.
Yes, I always “over performed” at my jobs too. I would get evals of 10 of out 10 every year and people who did little got 8s. When I was in school I was a compulsive “straight A student” etc. Sure, I was GOOD, I am SMART, but sheesh, people with 2/3 my IQ and half my skill, and half my effort were still “successful,” (and in many cases happier) so what did I gain by being an “overachiever?” What did I prove and to whom did I prove it?
I read a book called the “Impostor Syndrome” a few years ago and it rung a chime with me. I realized I had felt like an “impostor” and just “faking” my accomplishments and if I didn’t keep on trying had, people would realize I was a FAKE.
I realized once too that I first noticed I felt this way in 7th or 8th grade. I had made a 100% on a particularly hard spelling test (the only one in the class) and the teacher complimented me on it, and my INTERNAL RESPONSE was “boy, I FOOLED her.”
I realized that even while I was performing at a high level of skill at many things, professionally and otherwise, I still felt like a little girl “playing dress up and pretend”—that I still did NOT SEE MYSELF as actually PERFORMING THOSE ROLES, but saw myself PRETENDING TO PERFORM THEM.
I still have to fight against that same feeling of low self esteem, that feeling that my performance is never quite up to par. When people tell me how “good” I am at what I do etc. I still “discount” their complements or comments to some extent with the “boy, have I got them fooled” internal thinking.
This is something I have been aware of for a good many years, but CONTINUALLY have to work on. I wish I COULD develop some N-ism!