A sociopath is someone who has a pervasive and persistent disregard for the rights and feelings of others. This disregard is manifested in the antisocial behavior sociopaths show. While we usually think of antisocial behavior as criminal, not all antisocial acts are illegal. A person who slips up once is not a sociopath. Sociopathy is a lifestyle.
Since humans are designed to live in society, a healthy personality has prosocial inclinations. Therefore, people who are pervasively antisocial are disordered in the sense that they are not the norm (thank God). Although antisocial behaviors are observable actions like lying, stealing and assault, there are personality traits that cause antisocial behavior. It should come as no surprise that people who have a sense of entitlement, over-rate their own greatness and have poor self-control are more likely to hurt others and show pervasive antisocial behavior.
The American Psychiatric Association has defined a group of personality disorders it calls “cluster B”. According to a recent paper* by German psychiatrist, Christian Huchzermeier, M.D., “ The cluster includes disturbances of personality that go hand in hand with emotional dysregulation phenomena, a tendency towards aggressive—impulsive loss of control, egoistic exploitation of interpersonal relationships, and a tendency to overestimate one’s own importance.”
The disorders of “cluster B” go together because what underlies them is a disturbance in three developmentally acquired abilities I have called The Inner Triangle. These abilities are:
Ability to Love
Impulse Control
Moral Reasoning
These abilities that a child gains during development are a triangle because the development of each depends on the other two. A child begins to acquire ability to love in the first year of life, impulse control begins in the second year of life. At two years of age there is already a link between ability to love and impulse control. Children with the best impulse control also are the most loving/empathetic. Moral reasoning begins in the third year of life and its development depends on a loving nature and impulse control. Similarly the most moral kids are also the most loving and self-controlled.
I think of the cluster B disorders as different manifestations of damage to the inner triangle. I think of sociopaths as individuals who completely lack ability to love and have impaired impulse control and moral reasoning.
Given the Inner Triangle, it should come as no surprise that it can be difficult to find people who have only one cluster B personality disorder. For that reason individuals with antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, borderline personality and histrionic personality often have symptoms of the other disorders. If someone gets a diagnosis of only one of these, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t also have one or all of the others. The person making the diagnosis simply thought that the one chosen best described the person. You should know there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled “borderline.” These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.
A recent study reported in Behavioral Science and the Law, “The Relationship Between DSM-IV Cluster B Personality Disorders and Psychopathy According to Hare’s Criteria: Clarification and Resolution of Previous Contradictions” examines the relationship between psychopathic personality traits as defined by the screening version of the PCL and Cluster B personality disorders. The authors of this study were careful to examine people who had only one cluster B disorder. They found psychopathy to be associated with all cluster B disorders.
The authors conclude:
“One clinical implication of our results, nevertheless, is that in cases where a cluster B personality disorder is diagnosed a high psychopathy value is to be expected, especially where antisocial, borderline or narcissistic personality disorder is involved. The PCL score is a better predictor of subsequent events, such as problems during (criminal) custody or a relapse into delinquency, than a diagnosis of a DSM-IV personality disorder, especially in forensic populations; therefore, an additional investigation with the PCL should be carried out, if a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed.”
It is important for Lovefraud readers to be aware of this study especially if there is a divorce/custody proceeding or a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed. Many people might think that if the partner has been “diagnosed borderline” or “diagnosed narcissistic” that means the partner is not a psychopath/sociopath. This study suggests otherwise. IF YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS THESE YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER THEIR HARMFUL BEHAVIOR AS AN INDICATION OF PSYCHOPATHY/SOCIOPATHY. There are some people with cluster B, histrionic, borderline and narcissistic disorders who are not highly antisocial. But if the person is lying, cheating and manipulating, that is antisocial behavior. This behavior in the context of any cluster B means the person is potentially very dangerous. As the authors state:
“Screening for PCL-based psychopathy can also be important for general psychiatric patients with a DSM-IV personality disorder, so that potential difficulties in the course of their treatment can be anticipated and this comorbidity can be targeted in the planning of therapy. Patients with both a DSM-IV personality disorder and PCL-based psychopathy can exhibit behavior that is particularly dangerous to therapy (Stafford & Cornell, 2003).”
If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality and reading this frightens you, I am sorry. You can improve by working on your inner triangle. Talk to your therapist about DBT a treatment that is very effective in improving the state of the Inner Triangle in people who are motivated to do it.
*The reference for the paper discussed is Behav. Sci. Law 25: 901—911 (2007).
EB: Yes, I have been doing EFT for a few years now and it helps me IMMENSLY but you have to be religious about it. You have to discipline yourself into using it and be consistent. You will be retraining those brain chemicals/functions into returning to normal. We are on somewhat of a chemical ‘high’ as well as an emotional one so don’t be too hard on yourself. Realize what this actually is and it will take a while to sink in but it really isn’t about them…it is about us now. We are reacting biochemically, almost as if we were trying to kick a drug addiction or a booze addiction. This is no different. Hopefully the levels of ’emotion chemicals’ will return to their normal levels but a lot of times they don’t. We are left struggling to keep our heads above water once the ‘environment’ changed. We are still here, though, and that is the most important part. It isn’t about them anymore. It’s about US. They are gone and we are still hanging on, inside of ourselves, not wanting to let that ‘dream’ we were spoon fed die when it really never lived in the first place. We were merely stepping stones and pawns used to fulfill some sick twisted logic that we will never be able to figure out or understand. You will be okay if you are using EFT…check out EMDR therapy as well. I have learned, through my experiences, that the both of them together are absolutely amazing hand in hand. I have come a long ways in the past 4 years. I came from a babbling, drooling, nothing to the person who is talking to you right now. THAT to me is amazing and it was all drug free.
*BLESSINGS TO YOU*
Love ~ Dupey
thanks Duped. I will read up on it some more and get to know about it. I am willing to try something that isn’t drugs to help myself. I feel so unbalanced and off. I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me, but it’s really them. My life is definitely all about me now. It is a little easier than I thought to deal with the fallout from the woman. I’m not upset and I didn’t even cry-that surprised me. I was just ANGRY when she devalued me and I essentially discarded her. She doesn’t know that I don’t want to be her friend anymore. I just told her that I won’t email her anymore.
I just feel a little freaked out that I don’t feel drama-since I’m so used to feeling it all the time. Right now I’m kinda hibernating. It’s so damn hot out and I’m vegging out in front of the TV when I’m not in the gym. I feel weird-a little anxious.
My Darling Constantine: Thank you for your words. I absolutely KNOW it would be the right thing to delete him from my messenger, which is like a texting software used to communicate over long distances…he and I have done that and been there for one another for a long long time, through a couple of wars, actually. He was my best friend. For the same reason I have not deleted him, he has not deleted me. It was not only a psycho bond, but originally, a very loyal and real one. Although, for the past 3-1/2 months, I have hidden my appearance online, because I wished him to not notice me, although I could see him there, by a little lit=up happy face (ironically) but for 3-1/2 months, I have not allowed him to see me online. I CHANGED THAT. Yes,I have as much right to be there as he does, so, I stopped being invisible and now I show as ‘busy’ all the time and leave a note, for others to see, which says something. I usually have it saying something that is meaningful and generic. Not only for him, but for many others across the globe who is at our service. Your’s as well as mine. I choose to not be controlled now and being able to resist the temptation of just reaching out and cursing him and being mean, it is a discipline FOR ME to see him there, KNOWING I could contact him but am choosing NOT TO. HE KNOWS he is NOT to contact me and it is also giving HIM some control as well. 🙂 Win-win. I have no affection left inside of me anymore for him. He has murdered that a long with me, almost. There is no way I could ever LOVE something so vile and so disgusting. The hard part, My Dear Constantine, is yet to come for me: dealing with that well of hatred that is building up inside of me. Once it blows, it will surely look like a volcano! 😉 “IT” should never be anywhere around me when that happens. And “IT” knows it. I do not and will not EVER speak another word to him as long as I live. The amount of betrayal and criminal things he has put me through and risked me to is inexcusable. I am no longer ‘fearful’ of his or any of his ‘reactions’, although I do not torment HIM, I wish the same in return. If it does not stay that way, I shall take all measures available to me. I can assure you.
I think of my little note message I leave daily, for all to see as inspiration point for the day. That is all they are and I haven’t removed him from my contact list as yet. I need to know where my enemy is coming from and I also know him – he will say something when his temper begins to overflow and I want him to be able to say it. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. “ME”.
Please do understand and I care for you as well, My Sweet Friend. You are an amazing, intelligent, insightful man, with a lot of class and style about you. 🙂 Don’t ever change or stop being the great guy I just know you are. Your caring means a lot to me and I am grateful. xx I am working on completely eliminating him from my contact list. 🙂
Thanks for your wishes on my biopsy, etc. I am sorry to hear about your Mum. If they caught it early, she will make it! The area of medicine is making amazing leaps and bounds, just in my lifetime; have you noticed? It is very inspiring. 🙂 She will be in my thoughts and prayers. Just as you will be, my friend.
THAT IS AN AMAZING PIECE OF REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY AND I WILL REMEMBER YOU SAID IT!!!! 😉 XXOO
I hope you have a nice weekend ~ you and Mum shall be in my thoughts and prayers, as always. Never to worry, the Angels walk with me, always.
Dupity Doo Duh
Dearest Superkid,
I had a friend whose sister died in a car accident when we were in college. She said something that’s stuck with me all these years: “They don’t tell you how much grief physically hurts.” Her body hurt all over, for a long time.
I hear you about the trauma bonding. I did this for years with him. I’ve done it all my life with my mother. Even though I KNOW these things, sometimes there’s disconnect. I miss him so bad right now, I am shaking. Like what I imagine the DT’s to be. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my digestion is affected. Everything HURTS, and understanding WHY doesn’t make it go away.
Hugs to you!!!
Dear Sarahsmile,
Yes, grief does HURT… it “Breaks” your heart. The stress hormones make our bodies HURT. Part of the way is to disrupt our sleep cycle, so EXTRA rest is important. Eating right, enough liquid intake and Quiet time alone, and meditation will also help. Keep CHANGES to a MINIMUM….changes of any kind are stressful, so try to keep things in a routine as much as possible. Exercise is also good, but don’t over do it, but don’t vegge out either. Major stresses will do a “number” on your body for up to 2-3 YEARS. Major stress being a divorce, a death of a spouse, death of a child or parent, etc. Major illness. So do not expect to “be over” all this and go on in 3 months.
Recently a young man that I know, he is actually not really bright and sure not self awareness of any kind, caught his wife cheating on him and he and she split up, and he told me just how “broken up he was” about it—-for a FULL TWO MONTHS before he started dating again, and he’s been dating this girl for 3 months and she has a 2 month old child and they are moving in together. I am just shaking my head here….there is no use trying to explain anything to this young man, he is too ignorant to “get it” or frankly for any kind of introspection about emotional aspects. He’s just “eaten up with the dumb arse” as we say here in the south. LOL
Thanks to all for the kind words last night on the other thread…
I’m thinking today about sociopathy. I’m sure this has been covered many times, and if anyone could direct me to articles dealing with the subject of “Do They Know What They Are?”, I would appreciate it.
Something I read here last week has been heavy on my mind. A reader who identified as a sociopath made the comment that many sociopaths do not know what is wrong with them — just that they are different from everyone else. I can identify with this. I grew up very poor in a very wealthy part of town. I WAS different than everyone else around me. But in addition to socio-economic factors, I began to realize that not everyone THOUGHT the way I did. Not everyone’s brain worked like mine. So with my boyfriend, I could identify with his “quirks” on many levels. I recall very early on viewing him like a puzzle. I like mysteries. I read a lot of Nancy Drew as a child. I had never — and I voiced this often — met anyone whose brain worked the way his did. It was fascinating to me.
My childhood was full of chaos. No structure. The only consistency was inconsistency. As a result, my thinking was very disordered and self-centered. My 20’s and 30’s saw lots of self-parenting, cognitive restructuring, hospitalization and therapy. I did a lot of work, and with a lot of rewiring, my life became immensely easier. But there have definitely been times in my life where I felt less than human. I was cruel to people, careless with their feelings, and I didn’t know why I was like this. I was an asshole. Therapy taught me that my walls were defense mechanisms against being hurt. My masks of bitchiness and sarcasm were also a defense. If people rejected me, they weren’t really rejecting ME, because I wasn’t that bitchy person. I was really nice. I let very few people in. When I got some help, and began to let people get to know me, I heard so many times, “God, I always thought you were a bitch. But you’re not!”
Yoga and meditation also helped immensely. It gave me a sense of connection and one-ness with the universe that no religion ever did. I reached a point where I could no longer deny all of the pain I had inside. I didn’t want to be in pain anymore; and I didn’t want to cause any more pain to the people around me, whether it was my family, my friends, or the salesclerk I was crappy to for no reason.
I guess my point is that people can change. Our brains are computers, and they can be reprogrammed. I did it, and am still doing it, and it’s a struggle sometimes. I am very interested in the “Inner Triangle” concept, as I know that despite all of the chaos and disappointment and betrayal and heartache in my formative years, these three things were instilled and nurtured just enough to be able to build on them in my later years.
It’s funny because even as a teen, I knew something was a little off with my bf. Of course, I didn’t know what it was, just that something about him didn’t sit right with me. I had the sense to run from it then, maybe because I was half-spathy myself! When we reconnected years later, he told me very early on that he had been hospitalized in his late teens for lack of impulse control. He was in lockdown for 40 days because he “had no brakes.” I had never heard of this before, and I thought maybe his parents were just tired of dealing with him, so they warehoused him. This early admission, along with other accounts of discipline issues and problems with authority, and stories of being shuffled around from family member to family member, and group homes, and juvie, instead of being the red flag they SHOULD have been to me, made me think, “All he’s heard all of his life is, ‘I love you, but I can’t deal with you.’ I won’t be another person who says that to him.” And each time he did something shitty, I’d love him even harder. The more I loved him, the angrier he got that I was still hanging in there, demanding that he behave, demanding that he get his act together, demanding that he grow the F up. I kept telling him that if he stayed with his wife, it would be a very easy life, because she expected nothing of him, and he would be very unfulfilled and lonely. And if he came with me, it would be very difficult, because I would expect him to be present and honest and plugged in all of the time, but there would be a lot of love and laughter. Someone who loved me, someone who was ready to look inside himself and make some concrete changes would have taken that offer.
I knew all along that he was incapable of making any changes, but I didn’t know why. I do not think he knows why he is the way he is. He is full of self-loathing and disappointment. I’ve seen him cry real tears of shame, not understanding why he can’t get his life together. I’ve seen the look of confusion in his eyes when he realizes that his actions have hurt someone. But I also saw the steely determination in his eyes in the last month to force me to kick him out as the days to his divorce being finalized ticked away. He was on a mission. But still, his answer to “Why are you acting like this?” was “I don’t know.” I guess I wonder if a professional diagnosis of sociopathy would help him in any way, much like an adult who is finally diagnosed with Asperger’s is finally able to put some puzzle pieces together and find some tools to help them in life.
I am very, very lucky that my story is not as grizzly as some other ones I read, and I am amazed at the resilience I see here. I just got my heart broken, that’s all. I lost nothing but time and some fair-weather friends. Everything he took from me, everything I gave up to him, is still inside of me. He is still a puzzle to me, one I will probably mull over for a long time to come, as I figure out what positives I can take away from this experience. I know that I am probably giving him much more thought than he is giving me, and I doubt that he is feeling as analytical and benevolent. That’s okay, for now. But man, I sure do wish I could know the what the truth is. I think that’s the part off all of this that’s the crappiest to me: it’s all conjecture and supposition.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading!
Dear Ox,
Yes, I am sleeping a lot. I’m very tired! I am taking very good care of myself nutritionally. Lots of protein and fruits and vegetables. I am thankfully staying away from old patterns of disordered eating. I am socializing in small amounts. I am fixing my hair and makeup every day. I’m very aware of the importance of practicing self-care right now, and I’m proud of the job I’m doing. The only thing I’ve kept are cigarettes, which will go soon. But I figured quitting alcohol and quitting him were big enough changes for now…
Dear Sarahsmile,
I am SO PROUD of you for quitting the alcohol! TOWANDA for you Chickie!
I quit the cigarettes about two years ago and I still soemtimes want one…I admit it, but I quit for ME not for someone else. I used the nicotine lozenges for several months and then tapered off of them. It took committment and determination to do so, but I did it for ME.
I smoked so much and for so long that I coughed til I choked sometimes, but I am proud of myself for doing it for ME.
When the time comes, let me know and I will cheer you on, and help you get through that step too. I’m now on the wagon with salt and calories….I’ve lost 30 pounds and have another 30 to go, but it is one bite at a time that I have to “resist” the cravings for food. I’m on a web site about weight loss that calculates your calories taken in and burned, called http://Www.fatsecret.com and it helps to keep a record and log of what I eat and helps me NOT TO CHEAT. It is like LF for over eaters. LOL You have “buddies” there and there are “challenges” and support and IT HELPS. I imagine there are support sites for stopping smoking too, though I did it without a support site, just the friends here at LF when I “announced” I had quit smoking.
My son D quit smoking cigarettes and smokes a pipe now some, but mostly just uses it as a pacifier and carries it around in his mouth….in any case he has cut WAY down on his smoking so that helps too.
WE CAN DO whatever we set our minds to do. We can make those positive changes in our lives. Good for you, I am proud of you and how you are making some good changes in your lifestyle. It will benefit you in MANY MANY WAYS! ((hugs)))
Thank you!!! I quit for close to ten years, and started back up again socially with the divorce. The bf smoked like a chimney, so that got me back into a full-blown habit. I know I’ll be ready to let go of them soon. Just not yet. 🙂
Congrats to you on quitting, and on your weight loss! My weight is not as much of an issue as I like to think it is. I’m quite tall and a size 12-14. But I gained 20 pounds in the last two years due to emotional eating and just flat-out hedonism with the bf. Lots of steak, lots of wine, lots of post-partying Denny’s trips, with the only physical activity being of the bedroom variety… It won’t take long for me to get back on track, I know. I’ve been pretty active around the house and yard the last few days, and tomorrow I’m going back to the gym after a two month hiatus.
Sarah I was hypnotized and quit for 9 months after my husband died and then started dating a guy and he smoked 3 cigarettes a day…and I started back too after that. Never quit after we broke up. Then about two years ago I made up my mind AT LAST to QUIT and I did. I know you can do it too. It is just NEVER picking up that ONE cigarette. I almost smoked one in January when my son’s friend left a pack laying around and I even picked it up and the thought went through my head “they’ll never know” and then I said “BUT I WILL KNOW,” and I put them back down. It is a continuing fight sometimes as that craving comes back from time to time especially if I am around a person smoking. But it is MY DECISION and I refuse to give in.
The low salt diet and the low calorie diet are harder, but I’ve got the low salt diet licked now—had to RE-learn how to cook from the get-go and frankly some of the dishes were not so great, but now I have the knack of it down with herbs and spices in the food that are salt free. Plus, it took some time for my taste buds to adjust to the low sodium diet when I was used to a HIGH SODIUM DIET. Have a friend who is on low sodium diet too, and we encourage each other. Plus, I FEEL BETTER and my doctor is so happy with me….she couldn’t believe I would be compliant. She said she’s never before seen a primary care provider (doctor or nurse practitioner) who was a compliant patient. I’m OCD about it though, and have the sodium down to most days less than 500mg which is IDEAL!