A sociopath is someone who has a pervasive and persistent disregard for the rights and feelings of others. This disregard is manifested in the antisocial behavior sociopaths show. While we usually think of antisocial behavior as criminal, not all antisocial acts are illegal. A person who slips up once is not a sociopath. Sociopathy is a lifestyle.
Since humans are designed to live in society, a healthy personality has prosocial inclinations. Therefore, people who are pervasively antisocial are disordered in the sense that they are not the norm (thank God). Although antisocial behaviors are observable actions like lying, stealing and assault, there are personality traits that cause antisocial behavior. It should come as no surprise that people who have a sense of entitlement, over-rate their own greatness and have poor self-control are more likely to hurt others and show pervasive antisocial behavior.
The American Psychiatric Association has defined a group of personality disorders it calls “cluster B”. According to a recent paper* by German psychiatrist, Christian Huchzermeier, M.D., “ The cluster includes disturbances of personality that go hand in hand with emotional dysregulation phenomena, a tendency towards aggressive—impulsive loss of control, egoistic exploitation of interpersonal relationships, and a tendency to overestimate one’s own importance.”
The disorders of “cluster B” go together because what underlies them is a disturbance in three developmentally acquired abilities I have called The Inner Triangle. These abilities are:
Ability to Love
Impulse Control
Moral Reasoning
These abilities that a child gains during development are a triangle because the development of each depends on the other two. A child begins to acquire ability to love in the first year of life, impulse control begins in the second year of life. At two years of age there is already a link between ability to love and impulse control. Children with the best impulse control also are the most loving/empathetic. Moral reasoning begins in the third year of life and its development depends on a loving nature and impulse control. Similarly the most moral kids are also the most loving and self-controlled.
I think of the cluster B disorders as different manifestations of damage to the inner triangle. I think of sociopaths as individuals who completely lack ability to love and have impaired impulse control and moral reasoning.
Given the Inner Triangle, it should come as no surprise that it can be difficult to find people who have only one cluster B personality disorder. For that reason individuals with antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, borderline personality and histrionic personality often have symptoms of the other disorders. If someone gets a diagnosis of only one of these, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t also have one or all of the others. The person making the diagnosis simply thought that the one chosen best described the person. You should know there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled “borderline.” These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.
A recent study reported in Behavioral Science and the Law, “The Relationship Between DSM-IV Cluster B Personality Disorders and Psychopathy According to Hare’s Criteria: Clarification and Resolution of Previous Contradictions” examines the relationship between psychopathic personality traits as defined by the screening version of the PCL and Cluster B personality disorders. The authors of this study were careful to examine people who had only one cluster B disorder. They found psychopathy to be associated with all cluster B disorders.
The authors conclude:
“One clinical implication of our results, nevertheless, is that in cases where a cluster B personality disorder is diagnosed a high psychopathy value is to be expected, especially where antisocial, borderline or narcissistic personality disorder is involved. The PCL score is a better predictor of subsequent events, such as problems during (criminal) custody or a relapse into delinquency, than a diagnosis of a DSM-IV personality disorder, especially in forensic populations; therefore, an additional investigation with the PCL should be carried out, if a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed.”
It is important for Lovefraud readers to be aware of this study especially if there is a divorce/custody proceeding or a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed. Many people might think that if the partner has been “diagnosed borderline” or “diagnosed narcissistic” that means the partner is not a psychopath/sociopath. This study suggests otherwise. IF YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS THESE YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER THEIR HARMFUL BEHAVIOR AS AN INDICATION OF PSYCHOPATHY/SOCIOPATHY. There are some people with cluster B, histrionic, borderline and narcissistic disorders who are not highly antisocial. But if the person is lying, cheating and manipulating, that is antisocial behavior. This behavior in the context of any cluster B means the person is potentially very dangerous. As the authors state:
“Screening for PCL-based psychopathy can also be important for general psychiatric patients with a DSM-IV personality disorder, so that potential difficulties in the course of their treatment can be anticipated and this comorbidity can be targeted in the planning of therapy. Patients with both a DSM-IV personality disorder and PCL-based psychopathy can exhibit behavior that is particularly dangerous to therapy (Stafford & Cornell, 2003).”
If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality and reading this frightens you, I am sorry. You can improve by working on your inner triangle. Talk to your therapist about DBT a treatment that is very effective in improving the state of the Inner Triangle in people who are motivated to do it.
*The reference for the paper discussed is Behav. Sci. Law 25: 901—911 (2007).
Superkid-that is kinda how I feel today too-wanting to hole up somewhere and never come out. I feel like there are narcissists everywhere because I draw them. Maybe if I were more capable of being a BITCH then I wouldn’t draw them so much.
sky – i was taught to not ask for what i couldn’t have, from a very early age.anger at the lack of parental love wasn’t even on my radar.
I accepted my dad’s behavior for a long time. in my 20 and 30’s i went through a lot of different perspectives about them both. but now – having been around him for the last 7 years, and learning in the last 2 about spaths and narcs, and realizing he stole my money and has lied to me for a decade about his intentions regarding that money – now i am pissed but good. i don’t know that i would be as pissed about it (as I was taught not to want anything, and certainly his needs became before mine, and wasn’t a ungrateful person …blah blah) if it hadn’t collided with the spath and with getting sick and dad’s total lakc of care for my situation. that hurt. i didn’t realize THAT was what he was. he’s such a pig. to steal from your child, and leave her ill and without resources and not help her. that’s a pig. no direspect to pigs…but they do EAT their young. is this an n injury? don’t know. must think on that. you and i have a diff take on n injuries – don’t know what mine is, but know it’s not quite like yours. i think i do have to ‘take it personally’ for a while – TO ‘GET IT’ ON AN EMO LEVEL. he really fucked me over. and that person is my dad. cog dis. as always, i just wish he would die. he’s a horrible man. his ‘acts of generosity’ are only shows of grandiosity. It is still hard to accept. i was also taught that any discord is in the family was my fault, so i am still smacking up against that one, too. i want peace, and i don’t know how i will get there with this one. but, i suppose i will.
i studied alcoholics and drug addicts for a few years. i so get that they can’t see past the addiction, and wouldn’t touch one with a ten foot pole. i know their inability to put someone before the drug is the truth. I learned this the hard way of course. and once i had THEM down i thought i was clear in terms of what sort of people to avoid in my life. probably took me a good decade to get that lesson sealed tight. sure hope it doesn’t take as long with this. but, i am also losing my blood family, and that takes time to process. as a kid i was a loner, but it is not my natural inclination. i see myself going back to that – default injured position. i don’t like it, but there is power in it. even if it is maladaptive power in the long term. but if i use it wisely it might help me move forward in leaps and bounds in certain aspects of my life.
oh, and had an aha moment today about renos – as with many things my behaviours are this odd mix of father / mother traits: when i feel controlled, I don’t finish things!
One,
Of course, I understand. I was also taught not to ask for anything and that I shouldn’t want anything. Perhaps it was my own willful blindness to the fact that this equates to not being loved, which made me believe that I was loved. My parents trained me to see love where there wasn’t anything but selfish use and abuse. When the spath came along, I saw love in his selfish and controlling nature. Of course he played the hero and rescuer, but I didn’t realize that he was also the sabateur who created the need to be rescued. But my parents did. They knew what he was and they couldn’t wait for me to go running back to them for rescue. Sickos.
Yeah, the spaths did provide us with clarity about the PD’s. We no longer say WTF? Now we say Aha! at all that was once so confuddling in our family members.
I know that you and I sort of approach it from opposite angles. My point is this: What is the difference between getting Justice and getting Revenge? The difference is with revenge, you take it personally. With justice, you simply put things back into equilibrium, for the sake of order.
Your father did what he did because he is a sicko, not because anything about you. Though you are probably right that he is angry that you had the nerve to out his father. My own dad wanted revenge for my rebellious teen years, when I would come home from a date and he would grab me and throw me against the wall while I aimed my foot at his balls. But all in all, they just want the drama, so I think they would have created something to keep us controlled, no matter what we did. Your dad probably gets off on the fact that he knows he robbed you. By staying angry, you are giving him control of your emotions. Giving them no emotions is the only way out. No love and no hate. Feel nothing but work for justice for the sake of justice, rather than revenge. Take away their control. It’s very difficult, I’m not there yet. I wish I was.
You will find that your father will do anything to keep control over you. He will even give you money if he sees it as the only way to keep you controlled. But while you are giving him hatred or disdain or anything at all, he is wallowing in the drama. As a narcissist, he only feels he exists when he has importance in another’s mind. We give our emotions to things and people who are important. And it really doesn’t matter which emotion, hate, love, fear, gratitude, envy. All emotions validate the recipient’s status as important. That is why emotions and drama alleviate their fear of abandonment. Nobody abandons an important person.
SK, you’re welcome! That’s the way I see it, the way I’m dealing with it. And thinking a lot about withdrawal… As I wrote last night, yesterday I felt like I’m in the midst of the DT’s. I miss the drug of him. Even knowing what I now know, I wanted to call him last night and ask him to come over. Posting on this board and reading the articles kept me from doing that.
Today I don’t hurt so much. But I was washing the dishes, and was overcome by the memory of his scent. I loved the way he smelled. I miss it. I wonder if I’ll ever love the way someone else smells. I had a moment of sheer panic! So I just stood there and let myself feel sad for a minute. I wouldn’t have done that in the past. I would’ve called him, or poured a glass of wine, or eaten half of a cake.
So yes, I think the physical pain is good, ultimately. Acknowledge the pain, and breathe into it. Talk to your body. Give it permission to feel bad, and promise it that you’ll take care of it from now on.
Think about a scab that starts itching when it heals. Doesn’t it drive you nuts before it finally falls off? 🙂
And Skylar… your “ramblings” continue to amaze and inspire me!
((sarah)),
thanks. I’m glad to help others as I ruminate on WTF happened to us.
One thing that helped me with my “pain” was a puzzle game.
There are various types of mechanical puzzles out there that take all your concentration. When you are trying to solve the puzzles, the pain is temporarily alleviated, just because your attention is so completely absorbed by the puzzle. You might consider trying that, for when you are feeling that ache.
Sky, I like your idea about the puzzle. I am thinking of maybe picking one up when I get off work on Monday morning. I haven’t done a puzzle in a long time and I enjoy them. I usually do knitting but I was knitting a scarf for the woman. Maybe I need to go get some yarn in a fun color that I like and work on something for ME and pull apart that one. The weird thing was that the one I was working on was initially for the exspath and I was going to give it to her-another narcissist. I’m stupid. I am going to venture out and do a matching hat to go with my scarf-for ME and ME only!
Sky and Elizabeth,
I recently picked back up an old habit of the daily NYT crossword. And I, too, am a knitter. I pick patterns where I have to count a lot. It’s my morning meditation, my prayer beads.
I was in the middle of a project for the bf… also a scarf, striped in colors he requested. I thought about just trashing it, but I think I’d like to finish it and give it to a homeless person on a route I know the bf drives.
Sarah-that’s a good idea to give it to the homeless person. I think I’m gonna take this scarf apart because it’s bad luck.
My upbringing was very dysfunctional…an N mom and a father who was selfish and unavailable. I struggled with low self esteem because of the abuse and neglect. I allowed people to treat me like crap, use me and abuse me because of this..(trauma bonding), my entire life. I didn’t feel worthwhile and I constantly set myself up for abuse by attracting users and abusers..in friendships, and love relationships.
I finally realized that I would have to be alone for awhile..keep people at arms distance …and work on ME before i could have healthy friendships/relationships. I isolated for awhile…i was too hurt and vulnerable to be around people. I only spent time around people who I know really cared for me..I couldn’t handle any more.My circle grew small. But, I felt safe from any more hurt.
I realized that I had to change ME. I had to rebuild who “I” am. The world is full of selfish people, narcissists and socios. I was never going to change that. But, IF I change ME, work on ME, get tougher and stronger and feel “worthwhile”..I won’t: #1 attract the toxic people into my life and #2 I will repel people who I feel will only hurt me.
So, how did I do that? It was a process. I sought professional help to guide me…I avoided anyone who wasn’t “healthy”..even had to limit my time with my mom and dad…while they were alive. I was on a journey to self actualize…rebuild. I didn’t have a good foundation (childhood) and I was a fragile, vulnerable “structure” about to collapse.
So, I learned to depend on one person in life…ME. My “journal” became my best friend. I woke up and wrote to “me” everyday. My true feelings…no editing or corrections; just poured my heart out. Then I reread what I wrote. This helped SO much.
I PUSHED myself to go out…to the gym…only making small talk with people…arms length. I PUSHED myself to go to the park or walk around the lake…ALONE or with my girls…or my “true” friends…only a few. I PUSHED myself to count calories and journal…and started losing weight…week by week….
And, lo and behold…I started to FEEL better about ME. I not only FEEL better…I feel STRONGER…able to repel people who aren’t healthy…who would only eventually hurt me.
I was able to wean my last X out of my life…The “healthier” I became…the less I wanted to spend with people who weren’t “healthy”. If they were selfish, controlling, manipulative…I chose not to be around them.
So, in time, I surround myself with only good people. I got rid of the “friends”, relatives, and anyone that brought me down.
Its all a process…and getting hurt and angry was what got me going. I made a CHOICE not to agonize over past relationships…and I said…”enough is enough..its all about ME now”. And the ANGER got me going. I refused to give in to feeling “sad”. I guess you can say…I was READY. Ready to be alone for awhile…(cutting out negative ones..), ready to be the BEST I could be…(staying on strict diet..no emotional eating)…ready to CHANGE my life!!!
Yes, it took me to hit rock bottom….process the hurt …to finally make the CHOICE to live the rest of my life peaceful and happy….by changing ME.
So, for those of you who are at the stage of grief and sadness…its OK. In time…when you are done beating yourself up…and you get ANGRY….stay angry for awhile…but work it out physically at the gym…or walking or taking yoga classes…but let the ANGER guide you through the initial stages….it gets you moving!
PUSH yourself. I still have days when I have to PUSH myself to get out and do things that are good for me. Once I am out…I feel better. And, then I allow myself to rest and reflect and I stay home and do that.
A few years ago, I logged onto here…a mess. I was agonizing over the past…worrying about the future. By taking ACTION and pushing myself to do the things I mentioned here…I found a way to find peace. Eventually, the FEAR went away..and I got BRAVE and STRONG.
Yeah, there are sick, evil people out there…and when you are abused and neglected in childhood…you aren’t equipped for the big bad world..and you are vulnerable and get hurt.
But, it IS possible to build yourself up and protect yourself from getting hurt.
I hope this helped.
Constantine,
EB’s mom and dad conspired with her X to kidnap and hide her children from her when she was down with the strokes and cancer….so this is NOT just a “small family misunderstanding” LOL It is a full out psychopathic conspiracy/attack with her drug dealing X husband. It is worse than “hitting below the belt” it is kicking when someone is down for the count.
You know when I came to LF 4 years ago now, there were lots of posters here who “only” had a bad love relationship….but as time has gone on and as my discussions about my toxic family relationships (in addition to the man I dated after my husband died) so many people, even those WITH TOXIC LOVE RELATIONSHIPS, are ALSO looking at the families of origin (FOO) and seeing the “set up” for BEING the victim frequently comes from how we were raised to SEE “toxic” as “normal.” Or to endure abuse from family members as EXPECTED and to “forgive” that (i.e. pretend it didn’t happen, or pretend the person who does it really “loves” you deep down)
I can look around at various members of my community and extended family and SEE the generational dysfunction, the designated victims and the abusers. Since many of these families have lived near my family for 4-5 generations and I know the history at least back 5-6 generations, and knew the actual people for at least 4-5 generations –it is easy to see it moving down through the years and the family with one abuser from family A marrying the “enabler” from another abusive family B, and some of their kids turn out to be abusers and some enablers, with seldom there being anyone “in the middle.”