A sociopath is someone who has a pervasive and persistent disregard for the rights and feelings of others. This disregard is manifested in the antisocial behavior sociopaths show. While we usually think of antisocial behavior as criminal, not all antisocial acts are illegal. A person who slips up once is not a sociopath. Sociopathy is a lifestyle.
Since humans are designed to live in society, a healthy personality has prosocial inclinations. Therefore, people who are pervasively antisocial are disordered in the sense that they are not the norm (thank God). Although antisocial behaviors are observable actions like lying, stealing and assault, there are personality traits that cause antisocial behavior. It should come as no surprise that people who have a sense of entitlement, over-rate their own greatness and have poor self-control are more likely to hurt others and show pervasive antisocial behavior.
The American Psychiatric Association has defined a group of personality disorders it calls “cluster B”. According to a recent paper* by German psychiatrist, Christian Huchzermeier, M.D., “ The cluster includes disturbances of personality that go hand in hand with emotional dysregulation phenomena, a tendency towards aggressive—impulsive loss of control, egoistic exploitation of interpersonal relationships, and a tendency to overestimate one’s own importance.”
The disorders of “cluster B” go together because what underlies them is a disturbance in three developmentally acquired abilities I have called The Inner Triangle. These abilities are:
Ability to Love
Impulse Control
Moral Reasoning
These abilities that a child gains during development are a triangle because the development of each depends on the other two. A child begins to acquire ability to love in the first year of life, impulse control begins in the second year of life. At two years of age there is already a link between ability to love and impulse control. Children with the best impulse control also are the most loving/empathetic. Moral reasoning begins in the third year of life and its development depends on a loving nature and impulse control. Similarly the most moral kids are also the most loving and self-controlled.
I think of the cluster B disorders as different manifestations of damage to the inner triangle. I think of sociopaths as individuals who completely lack ability to love and have impaired impulse control and moral reasoning.
Given the Inner Triangle, it should come as no surprise that it can be difficult to find people who have only one cluster B personality disorder. For that reason individuals with antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, borderline personality and histrionic personality often have symptoms of the other disorders. If someone gets a diagnosis of only one of these, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t also have one or all of the others. The person making the diagnosis simply thought that the one chosen best described the person. You should know there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled “borderline.” These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.
A recent study reported in Behavioral Science and the Law, “The Relationship Between DSM-IV Cluster B Personality Disorders and Psychopathy According to Hare’s Criteria: Clarification and Resolution of Previous Contradictions” examines the relationship between psychopathic personality traits as defined by the screening version of the PCL and Cluster B personality disorders. The authors of this study were careful to examine people who had only one cluster B disorder. They found psychopathy to be associated with all cluster B disorders.
The authors conclude:
“One clinical implication of our results, nevertheless, is that in cases where a cluster B personality disorder is diagnosed a high psychopathy value is to be expected, especially where antisocial, borderline or narcissistic personality disorder is involved. The PCL score is a better predictor of subsequent events, such as problems during (criminal) custody or a relapse into delinquency, than a diagnosis of a DSM-IV personality disorder, especially in forensic populations; therefore, an additional investigation with the PCL should be carried out, if a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed.”
It is important for Lovefraud readers to be aware of this study especially if there is a divorce/custody proceeding or a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed. Many people might think that if the partner has been “diagnosed borderline” or “diagnosed narcissistic” that means the partner is not a psychopath/sociopath. This study suggests otherwise. IF YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS THESE YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER THEIR HARMFUL BEHAVIOR AS AN INDICATION OF PSYCHOPATHY/SOCIOPATHY. There are some people with cluster B, histrionic, borderline and narcissistic disorders who are not highly antisocial. But if the person is lying, cheating and manipulating, that is antisocial behavior. This behavior in the context of any cluster B means the person is potentially very dangerous. As the authors state:
“Screening for PCL-based psychopathy can also be important for general psychiatric patients with a DSM-IV personality disorder, so that potential difficulties in the course of their treatment can be anticipated and this comorbidity can be targeted in the planning of therapy. Patients with both a DSM-IV personality disorder and PCL-based psychopathy can exhibit behavior that is particularly dangerous to therapy (Stafford & Cornell, 2003).”
If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality and reading this frightens you, I am sorry. You can improve by working on your inner triangle. Talk to your therapist about DBT a treatment that is very effective in improving the state of the Inner Triangle in people who are motivated to do it.
*The reference for the paper discussed is Behav. Sci. Law 25: 901—911 (2007).
Gaslighting is lying in oblique vectors relative to the polarity between true and false, in order to adjust perception away from reality in slow degrees. Because the lies don’t seem related to the actual issue the liar is trying to obscure, and because they are often only a few degrees from the truth, it’s very hard to detect and counter. Even if you know it’s happening, most people will assume the lie is actually just a normal variance in perception between two people with honestly held differing views. Further, the intent of the lie is obscured because of the oblique approach. (How could the claim that you’re unable to keep track of your socks be related to your dwindling joint bank account?)
The last gaslighting I was subjected to involved a person who claimed to have discussed a pertinent business issue with me for nearly an hour. I reality, she’d rambled for an hour about her personal problems, burning up my cell phone minutes and precious time I needed to spend productively. I’d spent roughly a minute asking here pertinent business questions, and she’d spent about two minutes giving me vague, useless answers. The rest was rambling drivel on her part.
When an associate informed me that the habitual gaslighter had claimed to have discussed business with me for nearly an hour, I stumbled awkwardly on my response. I felt blindsided for a moment. There was falsehood there, but there was truth. Part of my hesitation was tied up in an effort to make a courteous response that couldn’t be held against me later.
Yes, I’d tried to get real information out of the gaslighter. Yes, she’d spoken for a long, rambling incoherent hour. No, I wasn’t prepared to solve our practical problem based on the drivel she’d delivered in her exhausting monologue. We needed to solve our problem without her, and I couldn’t afford the time or the cell phone minutes to continue trying to glean useful information from the gaslighter.
Thank God my associate understood my position. That’s rare. Usually gaslighting succeeds in sowing confusion.
Ah yeah, gaslighting. I still experience the after effects of gaslighting by the S.
I found the posts of Matt and Gillian interesting about the public facade of the S and how the outside perceives them.
the s I was with is extremely clever, logically. I mean it’s almost terrifying. His logic is quick and calculating. He is able to be so “logical” because he has no emotions to consider. Emotions do not get in his way.
People either adored him or handled him with great unease. He managed to get close to people pretty fast and have this weird closeness to them. He only chose people that were not threatening to him. The few that he tougth of as his idols, he over-idealized them, and brown-nosed them to ad nauseum, in order to discard them later because of some minor disapointment. He had these agendas with people.
Because he is so clever logically (NOT EMOTIONALLY) highly educated and changes his “lingo” to suit his surroundings.
God, this makes me think about times he was trying to do blaxpoitation-ish voice when we had African Americans in company. It really made me just sick. Then he also did this Iron worker industry laborer stance when he was around his blue collar worker relatives. He was like a cameleon, yet he was constantly talking about the value of solid self, solid values, honesty and being a good man.
The gaslighting really made me question my own intuition. I felt so conflicted; how is it possible that the s is such an upstanding professor, hard working and has all these ideas about being a good person can be so cruel and twisted in the same time. How is it possible that I can see it? How is it that he can sit there stroking my head at night and make wooden planters for my porch and in the same time be so utterly sadistic? I started wondering that maybe I am the one that has the twisted perception of things. Maybe I am looking at him through the distortion of my own personal baggage. Growing up with a borderline mother, I always feared that I will become a borderline. Seeing how bordelines can sometimes distort reality and fact to fit their emotional state, I was afraid that maybe that’s what I was doing too. In fact my therapist told me that it is probably easier for me to deal with abadonment by demonizing the s. At that point I felt like maybe even the therapists thinks I am making this stuff up. I have already lost friends who did not believe, so I felt kind of even more “crazy” in my own head.
Then I started going to a threrapist who finally is able to see that I am not demonizing the s; all these things really happened. The crazy making, gaslighting is in process of being reversed by therapy. I hope I will be at a point someday where I do not question my own intuitions.
“Maybe I am looking at him through the distortion of my own personal baggage. Growing up with a borderline mother, I always feared that I will become a borderline. Seeing how bordelines can sometimes distort reality and fact to fit their emotional state, I was afraid that maybe that’s what I was doing too. In fact my therapist told me that it is probably easier for me to deal with abadonment by demonizing the s. At that point I felt like maybe even the therapists thinks I am making this stuff up. I have already lost friends who did not believe, so I felt kind of even more “crazy” in my own head.”
We question ourselves too much, and let others know about our self-doubts. Sometimes, ok make that often, they seize upon our self-doubts as valid.
Last night I listened to a speaker supporting a candidate for endorsement by my political party. I was struck by his self-deprecating, doubting statements that later undermined the rest of his speech. He was bright, unusually handsome, supurbly likeable, articulate, and his speech miserably failed in it’s objective.
I hope I learned something I can use to alter my own behaviors. This open self-doubt has got to be entrusted only to our most worthy allies.
Bright Blessings Greenfern. Have a wonderful day and a beautiful weekend. I’m about to take my scamps ice skating at a local rink with the rest of the homeschool gang.
Hi…Just discovered this site Tuesday…actually, just discovered my bf is sociopath. I couldn’t understand how he just couldn’t “get it” that he was hurting me by his “no brainer things you DON’T do to people” actions, lies, deceit, betrayal, manipulation, control, blaming me crap! I was frustrated, very hurt, couldn’t wrap my brain around at how one could lack such social skills. It was my best friend who told me to look up compulsive lying on line. Well, I did…and one site led to another and I found myself here and was HORRIFIED to discover that the bf is an S! EVERY trait is HIM…not just one or two, but EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!!
Back in December 2008, I ended up in a behavioral health institution on a 72-hour hold against my will because “I was a danger to myself.” And it was ALL contributed to HIS craziness, but I thought I was the one going crazy!
Well, I’ve ended it with him just two days ago…he’s delusional, of course. Text me at 4:38 this morning saying that I am the only woman for him and I will just have to accept that He will try to make me happy for the rest of our lifestyle. And then just text me a little while ago asking me “if I am in a better frame of mind today.” LMAO!!! Oh, did I mention that he’s TWEAKING on meth?
I’m fighting every fiber in my being to NOT respond. Doesn’t matter what I say – he doesn’t get it, doesn’t believe it, never will, EVER. I might as well be talking to a piece of driftwood. I just have to keep reminding myself of that…and prepare myself for the button pushing from him that he is soooo very good at. Silence is my new montra…that and the Serenity prayer. I’m a pretty tough girl…and I have a great support of friends, too!!! God, my heart hurts, though!! That, too, shall pass, I suppose…..
Dear DJ,
WELCOME to Love Fraud! Glad you have disengaged from this Meth Tweeker and are getting away from him! GOOD JOB! I know it must be hard for you to not respond, but NO CONTACT is the best way and you have already taken that step.
Stay here and read and learn and grow stronger! Take care of YOU, you can’t take care of him and he will only hurt you more if you respond!
Yes, your heart hurts! That’s what they do to us, but you ARE a strong and tough woman and you will recover from this and your heart won’t always hurt. That part WILL pass, I promise you. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week, but you will recover and be even stronger, wiser and better! Hang in there ((((Hugs)))) and God bless you!
Hi DJ,
I was exactly where you are at back in July. You are already one step ahead by realizing that it would do not good to call him back. You may try to “bargain” with yourself on that in the next several weeks or months. So keep reading and arm yourself with information. You are right, the social graces mean nothing at all to them. But they know that these things mean something to us, so they try to fake it just enough to keep us in their control. It’s pretty creepy, and yes, there are people like this in our society. You have found a wonderful site. Sorry for the reasons you had to find it.
OMG!!! I’m sitting here at work, crying because you guys responded back to me. THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTANDS! It really ISN’T me, MY fault, I’M not the coward or the lying two-timing bitch (he said that when I caught HIM cheating) he thinks I am!
I haven’t slept well in the last two nights…I’m afraid he’ll show up at 1 am or 5:45 am like he did last week and tap on my bedroom window. He even MADE UP a Myspace for me, without me knowing it, posted a picture, just so he could see if guys would write to me, THEN accuse me of messing around! He accused me of f**cking around, even made up a NAME of the guy I was supposedly messing around with, he said he even had PICTURES as proof and he emailed them to me…of course, I never got them. He claims he’s in a recovery program for his addiction and that his sponsor wanted to talk to me, to reason with me to stay with this man. He claimed that his sponsor called me, but I didn’t answer…was I chicken? NO ONE CALLED!!! I told him BRING IT ON (I, too, sponsor people in AA, so I’m well informed and highly doubt he even has a sponsor…sponsors wouldn’t say things like that.)
Sorry, I’m just venting some of the craziness I went through…no one really knows any of this but my best friend and my sponsor…I’m afraid no one would believe me or even understand.
God, please, I hope I get some relief soon!!!
Hi DJhere2: Stay with us and learn as much as you can. Whatever your guy’s problem is … he shouldn’t be dating anyone until he cleans up his act. Only he can do this for himself. You can’t do it for him.
You can continue to come back and learn about how selfish, self centered, self absorbed people can be. When they are focused on their selfish selves, there is NO room for a loving, considerate, kind, compatible relationship with you or anyone else.
Right now. Pamper yourself. Be good to yourself and stop allowing him to play you for what you are worth. You need to go cold turkey and stay away from him as well as everyone else … so you can clear your mind … learn to love yourself again … to be the best that you can be.
Peace.
DJ,
We believe you. We’ve all been through it. He’s the nut case, not you. I have tears in my eyes reading your story. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I got out before my ex started the “devaluing” phase of the relationship, as yours has been doing to you. I’m not gonna lie, DJ. Getting over this is gonna be painful. But people here will help you. You need to stay away from him, even if you start missing him (that’s not crazy either). You may need to file a police report is he harasses you. If you have any interactions with him, try not to show any emotion. This is what he preys on.
Dear DJ,
They “project” on to us the VERY BEHAVIOR tht they are doing and accuse of the things they are guilty of, not that they FEEL GUILT, because they do not.
His “addiction” is to himself, and he has a ready supply of his narcissistic supply and will do anything to get you to give in to him, to give him another chance to abuse you.
You need this a–hole like you need another hole in your head.
NO CONTACT, of ANY kind….no answering e mails, no looking at web sites, or face books he posts of yours or him, and so on. No Contact. If he taps on your window at 5 a.m. CALL THE COPS. Don’t answer him at all, just call the cops and say there is a prowler tapping on your window, and that you are afraid. If they come while he is there, tell them he is a former BF that is stalking you, and then FILE CHARGES. Don’t let him play “games” with you—PLAY HARD BALL AND PROTECT YOURSELF.
If you go to AA meetings where he shows up, go someplace else. DO NOT CONFRONT HIM, if he confronts you CALL THE COPS. Get a restraining order, or whatever is necessary to keep him away.
His “addiction recovery” is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, and you know that if you are an AA sponsor yourself.
You have every right to be away from him, and make him respect that. If others don’t respect it, too bad for them, it is YOUR life. HE IS NOT ONLY A LIAR, HE ***IS*** THE LIE.
You have come to the right place, ther eis all kinds of good information here and KNOWLEDGE=POWER, take back your power. I suggest you go through the archives and read each article, then blog when you need to in the meantime, but most of your questions will be answered by the articles themselves. You have found support here and we (I think I can speak for most if not all of the people here on this one) will be here for you. We have all been devestated by a psychopath. There are also some great books recommended here and you can usually get a good many of them on Amazon dot com for $4-5 including shipping. Get them and read and read! (((((hugs))))) and my prayers for your healing and recovery from this situation. IN the end, you will gain more than you lost from it in wisdom and knowledge! ((((hugs))))