A sociopath is someone who has a pervasive and persistent disregard for the rights and feelings of others. This disregard is manifested in the antisocial behavior sociopaths show. While we usually think of antisocial behavior as criminal, not all antisocial acts are illegal. A person who slips up once is not a sociopath. Sociopathy is a lifestyle.
Since humans are designed to live in society, a healthy personality has prosocial inclinations. Therefore, people who are pervasively antisocial are disordered in the sense that they are not the norm (thank God). Although antisocial behaviors are observable actions like lying, stealing and assault, there are personality traits that cause antisocial behavior. It should come as no surprise that people who have a sense of entitlement, over-rate their own greatness and have poor self-control are more likely to hurt others and show pervasive antisocial behavior.
The American Psychiatric Association has defined a group of personality disorders it calls “cluster B”. According to a recent paper* by German psychiatrist, Christian Huchzermeier, M.D., “ The cluster includes disturbances of personality that go hand in hand with emotional dysregulation phenomena, a tendency towards aggressive—impulsive loss of control, egoistic exploitation of interpersonal relationships, and a tendency to overestimate one’s own importance.”
The disorders of “cluster B” go together because what underlies them is a disturbance in three developmentally acquired abilities I have called The Inner Triangle. These abilities are:
Ability to Love
Impulse Control
Moral Reasoning
These abilities that a child gains during development are a triangle because the development of each depends on the other two. A child begins to acquire ability to love in the first year of life, impulse control begins in the second year of life. At two years of age there is already a link between ability to love and impulse control. Children with the best impulse control also are the most loving/empathetic. Moral reasoning begins in the third year of life and its development depends on a loving nature and impulse control. Similarly the most moral kids are also the most loving and self-controlled.
I think of the cluster B disorders as different manifestations of damage to the inner triangle. I think of sociopaths as individuals who completely lack ability to love and have impaired impulse control and moral reasoning.
Given the Inner Triangle, it should come as no surprise that it can be difficult to find people who have only one cluster B personality disorder. For that reason individuals with antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, borderline personality and histrionic personality often have symptoms of the other disorders. If someone gets a diagnosis of only one of these, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t also have one or all of the others. The person making the diagnosis simply thought that the one chosen best described the person. You should know there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled “borderline.” These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.
A recent study reported in Behavioral Science and the Law, “The Relationship Between DSM-IV Cluster B Personality Disorders and Psychopathy According to Hare’s Criteria: Clarification and Resolution of Previous Contradictions” examines the relationship between psychopathic personality traits as defined by the screening version of the PCL and Cluster B personality disorders. The authors of this study were careful to examine people who had only one cluster B disorder. They found psychopathy to be associated with all cluster B disorders.
The authors conclude:
“One clinical implication of our results, nevertheless, is that in cases where a cluster B personality disorder is diagnosed a high psychopathy value is to be expected, especially where antisocial, borderline or narcissistic personality disorder is involved. The PCL score is a better predictor of subsequent events, such as problems during (criminal) custody or a relapse into delinquency, than a diagnosis of a DSM-IV personality disorder, especially in forensic populations; therefore, an additional investigation with the PCL should be carried out, if a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed.”
It is important for Lovefraud readers to be aware of this study especially if there is a divorce/custody proceeding or a cluster B personality disorder has been diagnosed. Many people might think that if the partner has been “diagnosed borderline” or “diagnosed narcissistic” that means the partner is not a psychopath/sociopath. This study suggests otherwise. IF YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS THESE YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER THEIR HARMFUL BEHAVIOR AS AN INDICATION OF PSYCHOPATHY/SOCIOPATHY. There are some people with cluster B, histrionic, borderline and narcissistic disorders who are not highly antisocial. But if the person is lying, cheating and manipulating, that is antisocial behavior. This behavior in the context of any cluster B means the person is potentially very dangerous. As the authors state:
“Screening for PCL-based psychopathy can also be important for general psychiatric patients with a DSM-IV personality disorder, so that potential difficulties in the course of their treatment can be anticipated and this comorbidity can be targeted in the planning of therapy. Patients with both a DSM-IV personality disorder and PCL-based psychopathy can exhibit behavior that is particularly dangerous to therapy (Stafford & Cornell, 2003).”
If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality and reading this frightens you, I am sorry. You can improve by working on your inner triangle. Talk to your therapist about DBT a treatment that is very effective in improving the state of the Inner Triangle in people who are motivated to do it.
*The reference for the paper discussed is Behav. Sci. Law 25: 901—911 (2007).
Stargazer-I recently took a “sabbatical” from a local website where some serious N’s were close to the moderator…they use the “mob rule” to control who posts when and where. I keep informed through a good friend who emails me, but I won’t go back til I’m ready.
Just like family, just like work…I have some neat “virtual” friends now all over the world…not P’s or N’s…been talking to one in Ausralia tonight…met him a year ago when he was “ganged up on” on a blog. LoveFraud is the exception.
I’ll pray for a miracle…they happen.
The best people are here. After a long time, I’d like to help, when I can. I don’t like it when good people hurt.
I’ve pretty much isolated myself for years. Boundaries are up. NO is always an acceptable answer.
I hope he goes up in flames and disappears. Keep your friends close and your enemies…NO CONTACT.
Stay safe.
Wow, Jim, I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets attached to my internet families. You just reminded me that I actually have a few enemies on that site, and one is a mod. But I just ignore them and they don’t bother me too much. Sometimes the crooked mod does, but it’s not enough to make me quit the site. LOL I am visualizing the S going up in flames. Maybe someone will come along and make that contribution to society. lol. It’s amazing more S’s don’t get murdered. That’s probably why they pick these kind, caring people like us. They know we are not the murderous types.
Hi all….Thanks for ALL of the support and validation! Oxdrover, I’m already on it…I’ve told my guy friends at the AA club that I go to that if HE EVER shows up, take HIM OUT!!! I’m also getting a restraining order…I sleep with my cell phone AND land line next to me at night, and WILL call the cops if he shows up. He is now starting to text me taunting texts, saying things like, “oh, I’m sure you already have another guy. I’m sure you had a good time last night,” etc. I’ve ignored it ALL…it’s just pure manipulation and control to get me hooked back in and defend myself…NOT GONNA DO IT!!! Thank GOD for this site…my eyes are now WIDE OPEN! Yes, Matt, he IS a full blown sociopath. I had a good description of him down pat…just didn’t have a name for it…but now I do and OH HELL NO!!!
I can sit here and wallow as a victum at all the horrible things he has done to me, but I’m not. Yeah, it hurts to think there are people out there that do these things and the reason it bothers US so much is because WE HAVE A CONSCIENCE! They don’t and that is very, very sad for THEM!!! NOT MY PROBLEM! I’m into the SOLUTION, not the PROBLEM!!!
Lesson learned…I can take my experiences and hopefully help another woman/man. AND, I can set my boundaries AND STICK TO THEM!!! I WILL NOT allow HIM to control me or live in fear ANYMORE! Definitions of FEAR are – False Evidence Appears Real, F*ck Everything And Run, (which is what I would do before) and Face Everything And Recover, which is what I chose to do now. Like I said…lesson learned and now it’s time to recover!
Niknakpattiwak – I love you, buddy! You ROCK!!!
Oh, yeah….I wish I WERE having as much FUN that HE accused me of!!! LMAO! J/K
Dear DJ,
I am not a member of AA but I think that the AA jargon for a psychopath in AA is “dry drunk.” They “kick” the drinking but they are still psychopaths and USERS. I have known several of these people who were VERY ACTIVE in AA, as that is a GREAT PLACE for them to TROLL FOR VICTIMS. They use the healing atmosphere as a feeding ground just like sharks herd up fish or seals.
I know this may sound “judgmental” and I don’t mean it to be at all, but people who have had a serious drinking/drug problem in the past are SUSPECT To me until I can know them long enough to see a PATTERN in how they behave now that they are clean and sober, even if they have been “sober” for 20 years! Addiction is NOT ONLY TO SUBSTANCES but to adrenaline and many addicts substitute the adrenaline rush of abusive behavior etc. for the substance they have to buy!
Victims as well can become addicted to the adrenaline rushes sof the “fight and make up” scenario–the trauma bond! Stockholm syndrome, in other words. A trauma bond is much STRONGER than a normal bond and thus many victims are never able to break free.
WE are the fortunate ones because WE have broken free of the trap of THAT addiction as well. But, we have to set new boundaries, stick to them and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, because I think we are vulnerable to “falling off the wagon” at any time with any relationship, and especially a new love relationship because of the hormones that are generated inside our heads with “love” and “sex.” Bonding harmones that are normal and natural, but can be used against us if we don’t use our intuition and our GOOD SENSE and watch for the RED FLAGS of abuse. That’s what good boundaries are for, they keep us safe and we need to build them out of CEMENT not jello.
I’m glad you have such good friends and suppport. Many people here do not have good friends or good support because so many of our friends don’t “get it” about what we have been through. I think that as AA is to the drinkers, LF is to the psychopath’s victims. WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. We have been through the same addiction, the same devestations and though we are all unique, and our feelings may be different, there is still a connection that we can have for each other that someone who has never experienced this has trouble having. I am glad you are doing better! You GO GF!!!!
Stargazer – I thought about what you said about not showing any emotion to him and you’re absolutely right! Just before I broke it off, I stood before him and said, “I just don’t care anymore.” I said it with NO EMOTION and a straight face. I kept saying it over and over again whenever he would say something. It began to piss him off…not because it hurt him, but because HE WASN’T HURTING ME ANYMORE!!! OMG, so twisted!! He’s tried calling me several times today…I ignored all calls and texts. Oxdrover – you’re right, too…sociopaths are just that…dry drunks…even if they DO the steps! I don’t know how they can if they can’t be honest! It says in the big book of AA “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands RIGOROUS HONESTY. Their chances are LESS THAN AVERAGE. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover IF they have the capacity TO BE HONEST.”
One day last week, he asked me about that paragraph and where it was in the big book…I found it and read it aloud…and it hit me…was he trying to tell me something? I believe he was…HE’S NOT CAPABLE OF BEING HONEST! All the pieces are fitting together now!!
I agree with Oxy’s description of AA. Beware of the sharks swimming in that bay.
One theory of psychopathy suggests that the individuals have a great tendency toward addiction, and that in this case they are addicted to the thrill of power, including the manipulation of others, the causing of pain, straight-up abuse, etc. That might also point to why AA and other 12-step programs may have a higher percentage of them in the groups.
DJ — good observations.
D,
“He IS the LIE” is a sentence here on this blog that has been repeated over and over. I think Aloha was the one that first used it, but whoever it was is RIGHT. They are INCAPABLE of “honesty” as we think of it, they TWIST reality to what they want it to be, and accept whatever they want is what is TRUE.
They will LIE WHEN THE TRUTH WOULD FIT BETTER. They cannot work the “12 steps” because there is NO “higher power” to them, they are IT. They are their own “god.” They can talk the talk (quoted right out of the book) but they cannot WALK THE WALK, ONLY PRETEND TO.
TYhe “dry drunks” in each AA or NA group or other 12 step program are the psychopaths that troll for victims there. They may be “sober” for 25 years and they are still victimizing people, faking being “so good and honest”—but how would they catch victims if they stood up and waved a red flag and said “I’m here to trick you, use you, abuse you and flip flam you!” ? Ain’t gonna happen. My egg donor was appalled when the Ps stole from her and tried to kill my son C–“but they were SO RESPECTFUL!!” she screamed in amazement.
What the heck did she thik they would do “say give us your money you old bat?” NO, they got more money by “being respectful” while they robbed her and planned to kill her grandson for catching them cheating on him.
Oh, BTW I went to the local auction tonight and ran into my X-DIL who sometimes shows up there with her new BF who is into S&M (whips and chains) and believe it or not, I did NOT EVEN GET AN ADRENALINE RUSH. I really didn’t feel anything except a little bit (I admit) of GLEE, that she looked TERRIBLE. Her teeth in front are mostly missing and she has no more partial plate and can’t afford to get one so she is a snaggled toothed skank. Her hair was dyed some nasty cheap shade, and she has gained her weight back that she lost in jail, and her butt was the size of a wash tub, and she looked positively horrible! She looks 10 years older than she did 2 yrs ago. She is still working in a McDonald’s and living in a bare apartment with a mattress on the floor and depending on her BF for transportation. #When she was married to my son C she lived in a new house that was built for them, drove a van paid for by my mother, was a stay at home wife (whose husband worked and came home and did the housework) so her life is not nearly so good now (in my opinion) but I guess since she seems to like the S & M arrangement, and my son refused to hit her, maybe she is happier now than she was. LOL WHAT A LOSER! And, she is on probation for another 4 1/2 years, if she spits on the side walk she goes back to prison. Couldn’t happen to a nicer woman.
Oxy – please tell me you are in the process of writing a book!!
Oxy: Rarely do we get to see someone “get whut’s comin’ to ’em.” I’m glad you got to savor the moment. I know, mostly we try to “rise above it.” But this is a long time in the works. Maybe the good Lord knew you needed to see that “vengeance is Mine,” as he said.