Sociopaths, crying, sex and cooking

Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Judith.” She asked questions that many readers may wonder about, so I’ll answer them in this post.

Sociopaths do not feel emotions, empathy or cry – Yes, he did play the ‘cry game’ when I would tell him the relationship was ‘over’ (which I did a few times) or want to walk out of his door.

Q1. He used to cry incessantly for his parents/grandparents who love him a lot, and feeling homesick (staying alone). Or cry that I was not with him in the same place and how much he misses me (online chat). He would mostly be drinking when he cries like a river. He longed for having a wife in his life?? He proposed to almost every woman in his life (my research about him). He had 6-7 relationships in his past including me.

Q2. He cried at sad movies (about families especially on mothers)?

Q3.Sociopaths enjoy high sexual activity – He was sexually inactive, and it would ALWAYS depend on his mood. I used to think perhaps he was scared as he said he didn’t want me to get pregs (even though we always used protection). And mostly he would never keep condoms at home, which I thought was a good indication that he was not fooling around. He did watch porn at times which he used to tell me (made me feel bad at times) but I appreciated he was honest. He said sex is not in top 5 in a relationship for him ”¦ as porn sometimes is enough for him (single for a long time). I was left frustrated about this at times as he would tell me that I am young so I have a better appetite for this and not him??

Q4. Sometimes he displayed care for me\others – like cook in the middle of the night for them (he liked cooking). But I reckon it was during the first 6-7 months of our relationship. Perhaps it was his passion about cooking, as he used to cook for both of us till the last week of our relationship?

Range of behaviors

First of all, it is important to remember that sociopaths are not all the same. Sociopathy is a syndrome, which means that it is a collection of traits and behaviors. In order for people to be considered sociopaths, they have to show most of the traits to a strong degree.

This leaves plenty of room for variety. So sociopathy is also a continuum some sociopaths definitely have more of the traits than others. I like to say that they range from sleazy to serial killer.

In answering Judith’s questions, I’ll be talking in generalities. Everything may not apply in every single case, but usually the overall outline applies.

Sociopaths and emotions

Judith began by asking about sociopaths, emotions and empathy.  Remember, sociopaths are not robots. They have some emotions, but their range of emotions is very narrow, and the emotions that they do show are not deep. Clinically, they are described as having “shallow affect.”

Sociopaths are certainly capable of anger, hatred and jealousy many of us have seen scary displays of those emotions. But you may have also seen the mind-bending phenomenon of a sociopath flying into a rage, and then a few minutes later appearing totally calm, as if he or she hadn’t just yelled, screamed and threatened. That is evidence of the shallowness of sociopathic emotions, which enables them to turn emotions on and off like a light switch.

Sociopaths are also capable of being excited or happy, especially when they get something that they want. But they are not capable of emotions that require truly caring about the good and welfare of another person, such as sympathy and love.

Sociopaths know, however, that they have to appear to have emotions to fit into society, and to manipulate others to do what they want. So they are exceptionally good at pretending to care and pretending to love. Sociopaths are fabulous actors many readers have told me that the sociopath they were with could have won Academy Awards.

Sociopaths and empathy

When it comes to the idea of empathy, whether or not sociopaths experience it depends on precisely how the word is defined. Here is what Dictionary.com says about “empathy:”

“the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”

According to this definition, there are two ways by which one person can empathize with the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another:

  1. “intellectual identification with”
  2. “vicarious experiencing of”

Most of us on Lovefraud probably assume that empathy means vicarious experiencing of another’s feelings. Sociopaths certainly do not experience empathy in that way. When another person, especially their target, is upset, it doesn’t bother sociopaths in the least.

But some experts have argued that sociopaths are capable of intellectually experiencing empathy, and this has the perverse effect of enabling them to enjoy inflicting pain on others. That is why they can be so sadistic. Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about this in a prior Lovefraud article:

Sadism and warped empathy in sociopaths

This argument is interesting, but I think the common interpretation of empathy, meaning to feel another person’s emotions, is more widely understood. Therefore, it’s fair to say that sociopaths do not feel empathy as most people interpret the word.

Sociopaths and crying

So, after all this background information, when Judith asks about sociopaths and crying, the answer is simple: They are faking!

Many people have told me their sociopathic partners could turn the tears on whenever they wanted. Judith said the sociopath cried when she was leaving a typical control tactic. My ex-husband started crying when he was “afraid he was losing me,” even though at that time he was cheating with multiple women.

When a sociopath cries, it is all about manipulation. As far as crying at sad movies as Judith mentioned well, that particular sociopath has probably learned it is socially appropriate behavior. He wanted to appear to be caring, emotional and human in order to manipulate her.

Sociopaths and sex

Generally, sociopaths want three things in life: power, control and sex. Although they never lose the desire for power and control, sometimes they dispense with the sex. This may be especially true as sociopaths age. In many people, the physical capacity for sex decreases with age, and this does at time happen to sociopaths.

Sociopaths pursue sex for two reasons. The first, obviously, is to satisfy their physical desires. The second is to use sex as a tool to achieve other objectives. Sociopaths seem to know that if they can hook someone sexually, it helps them manipulate the target into providing whatever else they want.

Some sociopaths seduce a target sexually, and then intentionally withhold sex. Why would they do this? To increase power and control.

This is apparent in Judith’s email. She wrote:

He did watch porn at times which he used to tell me (made me feel bad at times) but I appreciated he was honest. He said sex is not in top 5 in a relationship for him ”¦ as porn sometimes is enough for him (single for a long time).

Why would the guy tell Judith he was watching porn? To make her feel bad, which would give him more ammunition in manipulating her. And about preferring porn to real, live sex? Well, then he only has to be concerned with pleasing himself, and not a partner. That, of course, is a totally sociopathic attitude.

For more on the topic, read:

The truth about sex and sociopaths

A pornography addiction, by the way, is very damaging for the addict and real-life partner. A Lovefraud reader wrote eloquently about his in the following article:

Letter to Lovefraud: Pornography Effect 101

Caring and cooking

Sociopaths are quite capable of having interests, and perhaps Judith’s sociopath likes to cook. Still, why would he cook in the middle of the night? My guess is that it wasn’t romantic. He just got the urge to cook something and then did what he wanted to do, regardless of whether Judith wanted to eat—or preferred to sleep.

This leads me to mention another aspect of sociopathic acting. Frequently, sociopaths act as if they care, when in reality their caring behavior is only manipulation.

For example, some sociopaths start driving their targets around. This may seem chivalrous, but the sociopaths may actually by implying that their targets are bad drivers, which may lead to a sense of learned helplessness. The targets may feel that they no longer have the ability to do things for themselves, even if they were perfectly capable of the activities before.

Once you realize, or suspect, that someone is a sociopath, always look for the hidden agenda. When a sociopath engages in caring behavior, there is another objective. Nothing is done from the goodness of a sociopath’s heart, because there is no goodness in his or her heart.



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35 Comments on "Sociopaths, crying, sex and cooking"

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Thanks for posting this article Donna! It really reminds me of my husband!

When we first got married,he would help with the laundry,as we didn’t have machines of our own.I didn’t realize it then,but he wasn’t doing it to to be helpful.He was doing it to keep me in the home,while he went out.

As for the shallow emotions…check that too! He could start an argument and keep it going long enough to get me and those within hearing distance upset…and then he was bored.His “affection” was just to say “I love you” and remind me that he said it before me,and “btw,you haven’t kissed me yet”. When my mother died,he couldn’t get by without me so I could attend her funeral (and he said he was too sick to go),but when a friend of his died a yr later,he cried and planned to travel to attend the funeral which was the same distance.Oh,and I experienced the CROCODILE TEARS too!
Totally manipulative!

Liane’s article on “Sadism and Warped Empathy” was good! I sure wish I had read that while I was still living with him!Then I could have grinned to myself and hummed merrily and gone about my routine! 🙂 Instead of me being tortured,it would have been him!!!

A thought about the midnight cooking.My husband loved to keep me awake at night knowing I need my sleep~~knowing that keeping me awake was causing me suffering!

Hubby got his thrills sexually before he met me,on the streets in a northern big city.Porn too.I really don’t think he ever gave the porn up completely.It’s like you said,the sociopath is more concerned with pleasing self than partner.I learned that early on.

Mine’s interest must have been cleaning; she used to keep her “fiance’s” house immaculate according to him, and she did the same thing here when she had time. As for having any empathy for anyone; their first and last concern is for themselves and what they want. If it is something you like and especially if it is and they can use it for manipulation of you later on, then that’s fine, but if it isn’t, it won’t stop them from doing it.

Sociopaths are not caring people. They can “act” like one as Donna so aptly says. Mine could make you believe almost anything as far as seeming to be sincere about what she was saying. When checked out, however, very little of anything she ever said was true, and none of it was 100% true. She wasn’t even able to tell members of her own family the truth. Everyone I got to know who knew her had been lied to by her. We all had a little different story about the same subjects so none of ever knew what was really true, or if any of it was.

Main thing to keep in mind when dealing with one; GET AWAY FROM THEM ASAP! You are not going to reform them, nor are you going to compile enough evidence against them to do much good in having them arrested and incarcerated; most state laws don’t issue much time for any offense they may do unless they become a psychopath and kill someone. You will only be doing yourself more harm the longer you stay with them. They don’t care about you. Once they have all they want from you, they will leave you without any hesitation, or guilt.

This article is really good, though; it pretty much tells you just how uncaring and cunning these people really are. They can be very resourceful in figuring out ways to get you in deeper to them and dependent upon them for something, but it is only for their own good, not yours. If you believe anything else, go get help. You need it.

tnvictim: great point about the fact that they can make us believe anything and everything. I will STILL have to do self talk about his lying even when I’ve seen something with my own eyes. It is really shocking how robotic they can be.

Wow. Cooking was the crux of “what we had.” I thought he would make me dinners out of love. I found out that other than sex, cooking was how he bonds with a target. It becomes almost routine and mechanical. During the devaluation, he would cook for me and then use it for the smear, saying that I can’t cook or do anything and he was sick of always doing the cooking. That was a lie because I found out that he was happily cooking for “other people.” It was a tool for manipulation. One time he left me outside and ignored me for a good half hour, while I’m sure he secretly looked at porn and had phone sex. (A hidden world I knew nothing about until later) When he decided to let me back inside, I was mad. His response was to yell , slam the oven shut and scream “how dare you get mad at me while I’m cooking YOU dinner.”

Same with driving, all of a sudden he told me that I didn’t know how to drive and he would drive me around. When I was being idealized, he was taking care of me and when I was being devalued-I was lazy and incompetent. Again, all this was used in the smear and said behind my back without me knowing.

This P. is totally boomeranging right now. I’m working really hard at untangling myself from his weird world and the more distance I put-the better I feel. I’m pretty much past the whole “cognitive dissonance” thing and seeing who this person really was. But he calls emails and texts a lot now. A year ago I was the worst person on the earth, now he wants to be around me. He really was willing to go to great lengths to destroy my whole life (when I really did nothing wrong.) and now he wants to be part of it? By the end I caught on and just walked away and didn’t take his bait.

Why? I guess the answer is “psychopathy”

Judith: I am so glad you took the time to ask Donna some specifics about your relationship.

Donna: Thank you for a thorough, interesting and helpful article. I am going to check out the links to the other articles as they pertain to my situation also. I truly appreciated your statement about the variation amongst sociopaths…the continuum of the illness and how all are not alike.

This time around with my spath, he was in a half=way house (RED FLAG!!!!!!) and I thought that he had been drunk during the years we were apart because he just couldn’t be sober without me. (EGO FOR ME!!!)

He was on two mental health medications. One was a very strong anti-psychotic and he told me he could not sleep when he took it. I suggested he tell his psych that his dosage needed to be lowered. It was and he slept normally again…according to him. I told him that this medication was very strong and asked why he was on it. He told me he had “vengeful thoughts” he shared with the psych staff because he had lost his nursing license because of HIS behaviors which he felt were not really his fault. He then told me that maybe I was right about that medication because he didn’t think the psych (female) understood him that well. He said that when he had told her that he cried when people won during the Olympics or other types of award situations, she told him it was because he was “jealous” of those people for their accolades because he didn’t have any. I thought she had no idea what she was talking about. But, later I realized she knew he was without empathy. She was right the whole time…except for the dosage. After a heart attack, he was taken off that medication because he was not vengeful about losing his license and was put on VA pension.
Now he is just on one antidepressant. He has lost control of his entire life, is old and sick, and he doesn’t have the energy for revenge any more.

Mine has cooked for me (usually just my breakfast egg) when I didn’t feel well for about a year after he moved in next door. HE was depressing me so much, I was having trouble getting out of bed. I think the fact that cooking does not involve working with people may be important here. It is them in the kitchen with food and pans. He seemed to enjoy it…especially if I wasn’t in the room. No human interaction involved and they know exactly what to expect from inanimate objects and food each time. One caveat, if I found myself getting ill after many meals made by a sociopath, I would wonder about poison or being given tainted food on purpose as a part of their motive.

The porn, the sex, their need for some deviance involving both….then withholding it to play head games. All sickening and have experienced it all with this character.

I hope this article brings on lots of comments. I want to read about how a lot of victims have similarities to those of the woman who asked the questions and also their “take” on the spectrum of, as Donna puts it, “sleazy to serial killer.” I recently was given affirmation about some suspicions I had about my spath years ago and the person referred to him as “smarmy.” My new favorite word to describe him….his place on the sociopath spectrum…a bad spectrum wherever they fit.

I can relate to the cooking thing. Spath used to have me over and cook for me. Sometimes it was good. Sometimes it wasn’t. I think it dependended on what he wanted. He gave me mac and cheese out of the box a couple of times. I thought WTF but, didn’t say anything. Now I know he was devaluing me. When he wanted something the meal would be better. When he invited me for steak or seafood it was usually because I had walked away and he was luring me back. Sometimes it was overtly obvious and sometimes it wasn’t.

What is up with the driving thing? He started berating me about my driving almost from the get go. I’m a very good driver.It finally got to the point that I told him (as I was driving the rental car I had payed for) if he didn’t shut up I would pull over and he could get out. From then on I made him rent the car and drive.

Mine used his great Mojo upon me with the allure of Hamburger Helper the first time we ate at his place together. It was horrible, but I said it was good. Will never do that again. When hamburger helper is on the scene for a “meal” made by a potential lover, that is what you will get in every aspect of the relationship! LOL.

I love this pathological food thread! Devaluing with food was to feed me/whoever leftovers. Also, one time the P/Spath invited me over and he left ingredients for a favorite meal out for a dinner he was cooking for a date the next evening. When I wouldn’t take the bait we went into a grocery store and he told me he needed to pick up a few things for his dinner that he was making…I really have to laugh at his vindictiveness. I wish him the best, seriously… because, in the end and its been a long road- I’m much happier without this person around. Hatred, anger and all that keeps the game going and it prevents one from achieving in life.

I think of sociopaths as decorated cakes, that can look quite different on the ‘outside’, but when you cut into them the cake is rotten, so the same.

They do have different social persona’s, but the underlying disorderer always manifests itself with cookie cutter similarity.

I’ve known a groovy hippie dance/personal growth seminar instructor, a care giver for the mentally ill, a photographer, a woman who owned an aesthetician business, my grandfather (who was a soft-spoken peodophile). All of them with very different social personas.

The hippie dance guy preaches love and community and tolerance and women’s rights (though he abuses women, and hates them). He takes the bus because he is concerned about the environment (but really because he has no $ for a car). He is highly sexual/addicted. Uses MANY substances, and never sleeps. I only saw him cry when he was ill, and I think cried because he couldn’t be out conning women and it made him feel sorry for himself. Very chaotic and disorganized lifestyle.

The caregiver is highly educated, but doesn’t work in his feild of education. He was not highly sexual, didn’t even drink, and was kind of an ‘ivory tower’ kind of idealist. Very intellectual and is a speaker for a human rights organization. Very controlled personality. Extremely tidy and anal about germs. Cried when I told him I would not only NOT be his girlfriend, but not a friend either.

The photographer is also an actor, that has been in several films, and was one of the voices of the Ninja Turtles movies. He is hilarious, and rages at the drop of a pin. He lives like a nearly homeless person, and has a brother who is a murderer. He is extremely personable, and cries easily about his mother.

They can look different. This threw me until I learned to FEEL them, instead of just analyzing them. Once I tuned into how I felt when I ran into these types I started to recognize my repulsion. Now when I feel that kind of creepy, uncomfortable, unease I just back away. I don’t care if I don’t know the full story. I just get as much distance from someone I feel creepy around as possible.

Slimone: Good insights. Our intuition works and I need to continue to develop mine again. On a funny note: I am not allowed to eat gluten so I have to eat gluten free cake mixes if I have cake. So, your description of sociopaths as decorated cakes made me laugh. I need a gluten free Sociopath!

I am experiencing a presentation of “pity play” from the spath right now. I am wondering if anyone with experience is willing to share with me about pity play.

I found some articles and results from a survey Donna conducted a couple of years ago where it said 3% of victims are drawn in with pity play. I am definitely one of that 3%. But, there is very little discussion I could find about pity play here.

My spath is on his way for a second leg surgery in a few weeks. This is because he got bone cancer after kidney cancer…a heavy smoker…who has never taken care of himself. Also, after the first surgery, he was determined not to follow the doctor’s orders and stay on a walker until he saw the doctor again. He ended up breaking a screw in the rod in his leg and now is going in again. I need his rent money. If I suddenly had money, I would be out of here, I would give him my car to send him on his way feeling he “got” something out of me, sell my home, and be out of the place I live and gone. I might talk to him on the phone until he died and I would feel sad about what he is. But, I would be gone.

But, back to reality. The man is working the pity play and I am working hard to ignore it. He is wanting something right now. I don’t know what yet. Either cigarettes, a pizza, something small and irritating. Something I don’t plan to buy until HIS pay day. I told him a few days ago that each money decision he made meant choosing to forgo food or cigarettes. He is trying to use pity to make me change that stance before Saturday and I don’t want to. I want to feign a pity of my own. I want to have a headache and not be able to go anywhere until Saturday.

Here is what he did yesterday. I went and got a few groceries. I had hoped to leave without him noticing, but he was out front by his door reading. When I came back, I sat down out there with him. It was a nice evening. Earlier in the day, I had rebuffed him. I am tired. I am doing laundry and shopping and cleaning for two now. It’s fine. I’m getting paid more for doing it. But, I was tired. When I rebuffed him, I had gone over to loan him my phone to call the VA. When I left, he got up to his walker and said, “I’m getting up to come over.” I just looked at him. I didn’t want him over. I know I had a deer in headlights look. He said, “Is that OK?” I am proud of myself. I told him I was tired and was going to sit out back. I knew it was too hot for him, so I told him that knowing he would sit back down. I came into my place and I did sit out back. But, mostly, I just didn’t want to spend time with him. He knew it.

After I sat down in front this evening with him. We just sat and didn’t do or say much. A couple of laughs. At one point, he kept looking up at his door. I asked him if he saw a spider. We have spider problems in the summer where we live. He said, “No. I was just looking at the paint on the wood around the door.” This was such a ploy, it was hard not to laugh, but I didn’t. He painted it. Last Fall, he was in an apologetic mood after one of his many ridiculous behaviors and asked if I wanted him to do anything. I chose for him paint a lot of the house. He did it. He did it with a limp and a leg that was breaking. Tonight, when he created that scenario where I asked and he found a way to remind me that he had painted a lot of the house without saying it, he was so transparent. I simply said, “Yes, that 15 year paint was a good buy.” He said no more about it.

Then, at one point, I told him I would be interested in buying a small appliance from him that he doesn’t use. He is the one who brought up that he didn’t use it and I use mine a lot and I knew he was offering his to me because his works better, but I didn’t know why. He said, “I will sell it to you for a pizza.” I said, “Really?” and just got a look…no final answer. And then he said that he never used it. Always hinting…never asking….like a child. A pitiful child. A few minutes later, I said bye and came inside. I didn’t feel pity for him. But, I felt this pity play at work. It was on my mind. I hadn’t heard of that as a part of sociopath behavior until I read articles here.

I decided to test him and went out a few hours later and asked him if he wanted to watch a show he likes with me. I didn’t want to watch the show with him. But, I wanted to see how he would respond after his transparent tricks this evening. He looked at me for a few seconds and said in a very pitiful tone, “No. I’m just going to sit here and watch TV.” He had this most pitiful look on his face. I can see it is so contrived now! Again, it was hard not to laugh. I said, “OK. See you later.” I could feel the disappointment surrounding him as I left without asking what was wrong like I would have a few months ago. I came in and I wondered, but I didn’t care. I smiled because I was glad to be alone.

He told me a few days ago that a doctor and a patient’s advocate at the VA hospital had told him he should consider getting his leg amputated and he had been too “upset” to tell me. This was after he tried to have a fit and I left a lot earlier than I ever have before. He doesn’t pay me enough for fits. He told me they didn’t want to refer him to a local, non-VA doctor who did the first surgery. He told me that none of the VA doctors would do it because it was so messed up. I think he made that whole amputation thing up! No one at the VA would say that. I told him it was my understanding after talking with them after he had his chemo that all cancer was gone. I said, “Why don’t you call them back and ask them if they said for you to get your leg amputated because you still have cancer and why haven’t they told you if the leg still has cancer?” He said, “I don’t know, but it’s all I can think about…that they are going to amputate.” I said, “There is no way they would send you back to the non VA surgeon for an amputation.” He looks distraught, melodramatic…what he thinks brave looks like as he tells me he didn’t want to upset me when they first brought up “amputation.” I make him think I think it is true. I tell him the doctors are idiots and breaking the Hippocratic Oath…all the while KNOWING he is lying for pity. I feel sympathy. I feel empathy. But no pity. I guess the pity is how they grab us.

The pity play. I want to know more about how others here have handled it, or handle it now. I want to learn to keep laughing to myself at the pity play. I am freeing myself from the pity play, but I want to tell about it and see what everyone else knows.

Thanks everybody. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This web site is saving my life.

The pity play is what Spath used on me when we got back together after our first separation.Of course at that time,I didn’t know that Sociopaths use the pity play as one of their masks!The only thing I even knew about sociopaths was Robert Hare’s list of Red Flags.Remembering them once spath was back in my life….well,’nuff said!

I knew something was up though,when he urinated in the bed! He was only a few ft from the bathroom!He quit taking his water pills as they were prescribed (he knew EXACTLY what would happen!)The water weight piled on;I couldn’t even turn him in the bed!He wouldn’t get in the bathtub anymore-thus I had to start bathing him (or else smell him,NO WAY!)He wouldn’t even shave himself! He’d say he was “so depressed”!

He wouldn’t keep Dr appts;he kept rescheduling until each Dr got rid of him as patient,in frustration.He even canceled Home Care!He had always talked about how much he would love a power chair instead of the manuel wheel chair.But when they started the process,he didn’t follow through!In the meantime,he blithely continued to have me push him in his bariatric wheelchair(putting it in our vehicle & taking it out whenever going out) despite being fully aware of me having lumbar spinal stenosis and other health issues!

Besides using the pity play on me,he has used it on others.While understanding that I needed to get away,that I couldn’t handle the situation anymore,there are a few who believe that he isn’t mentally stable and needs consideration.

Hi Blossom, Thank you for responding. I think the pity play is one of the less discussed warning signs about sociopaths. I am glad people are responding to my questions. Information is protection. I believe you have said before that yours is now in a nursing home? As long as you can make it financially, I hope that is working for you. Being alone can be so peaceful once we relax into it.

Both of the sociopath partners I have dealt with started out with pity plays almost immediately after the love bombing. Both needed to borrow money or credit cards. I was never rich, but had good credit and was very careful with my money…never splurging on myself. But, ended up loaning THEM money I didn’t really have to loan. That was how the pity play was used on me closer to the beginning. It was a draw because they could assess that I liked to help people too much. And I was hungry for love bombing after too many lonely years in a place I didn’t belong. Then, they kept me stringing along waiting to get paid back a little each month. Never again.

Now, with the spath older and crumbling, it is much more difficult for him to use the pity play. He lives in a separate area so his personal upkeep is his problem. He is on a catheter for prostate issues now. He doesn’t even try to lovebomb any more. But, he has now recently put pity plays in the forefront. It’s all he’s got left. He can’t even mow the lawn any more and that was his big thing the last couple of years. The house was painted last year. He can barely walk. I guess the pity play is all he’s got left that I was buying into sometimes.

He found out a couple of days ago that that last ditch sociopath behavior is not going to work to get thing from me any more. Rent day in two days! He’ll get attention from me that day. I’ll go get his groceries, his cigarettes, a pizza for payday, and MY money for letting him live in a nice room with cable and the internet.

I am very proud of myself for writing out how I was feeling a pull from his pity play the other night and then not giving in to it. One step forward now that I found out about it as part of their repertoire. This is an area that I never associated with sociopaths and I am so glad I found this site so I can now repel the pity play.

My abuser left an answer phone message for me this week. This is why I’ve not posted for a while, it had such a horrible effect on me even LF was too near to contact. I needed to distance myself from anything to do with disordered personalities. I thought it was over. The strict no contact I’d imposed for months, the call blocking etc. I thought he’d given up. It was his 50th birthday this week that has prompted a desperate power grab. His second wife is leaving him , she’s in her country now finding a new home for her and their child. The point of my post is that in this message he ”cried”. He didn’t cry, he ”cried”. They know what crying sounds like and they can mimic the sound. They can screw their face up , maybe even squeeze out some actual liquid from their tear ducts. It isn’t real.

Something that stood out for me in Judith’s letter :” he cried at sad movies about families, especially mothers”.

I’ve had to do a lot of reading on Cluster B personality disorders in men and their attitudes to women to try and make some sense of what happened to me. My abuser is motivated by one primary objective : controlling and punishing women who are objects of maternal transference. His own mother left him with his grandparents as a child where he was forced to spend periods in the ”care” of his father who has pronounced psychopathic trait. Example, at age 14, father brings prostitute into the house, has sex with her, and then sends her into his room to have sex with him. That is how he lost his virginity. His father regularly beat him. His mother was beated by this man also, so she knew her son was at risk. But she left him to live with her second husband.

My abuser ”splits” the world into good and bad. This is a defense mechanism, which he used to ensure that he had at least one parent who was ”good ” – he made this his mother, who he appears to idolise as the ideal woman, whilst his father he despises as a philanderer, irresponsible, abandoning children etc – all of which behaviours he himself repeats in his life.

To save his mother as a ”good” parent for himself, he has to repress his anger that she abandoned him as a child and he has to deny what anyone else can see – she is a manipulative, vain, selfish woman whose behaviour around her son is , if not incestuous, what some analysts call ”incestual” – there’s a kind of unhealthy atmosphere or subtext of incest in their relationship which is never actually physically consumated. Examples – her naps in her now dead second husband’s bed i her bedroom, when there is a spare room for him to nap in. He puts on her dressing down when he is chilly visiting her. He buys her perfume, but never me or either of his wives.

He takes out his anger at her on the women he marries and then tries to destroy. He is obsessed with getting from women what a child wants form its mother – food, constant attention. His mother ran off, so he has to control women in his adult life.

I think a profoundly unhealthy relationship with the mother features in many woman hating mens lives.

As BBE said the other day, many of these men have unresolvable Madonna / Whore complexes also.

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