Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
hey gem!
i’m glad you had a great trip. i, too, have always wanted to travel to scotland, and perhaps still will!
good to see you.
Gem:
Welcome home darlen……I am glad your trip was so special, creating alot of new memories and letting go of others….
Good for you for doing this for yourself!!!!!
Turning a new leaf……
XXOO
EB
gem, hi there! Your trip sounds wonderful,
so glad you found some healing in Scotland.
We missed you.
This is the first article on forgiveness that addresses what if they are still doing the same behaviors…….
From mayo Clinic
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/mh00131
Dear ErinB,
GREAT LINK!!!! READ IT EVERYONE!!!!Thank you for that link!!! That has been the “sermonette” I have been trying to preach here at LF for a LONG TIME. It is so well worded–gosh I wish I could write so sweetly! But that’s what “forgiveness” is all about, not about excusing their abuse or whatever they did. It isn’t about THEM, it is about HEALING US—and as much as I wanted to hang on to the bitterness as much as I wanted to hang on to the anger and revenge I realized it was KILLING ME.
Who ever said bitterness is like drinking poison and wanting the OTHER PERSON TO DIE! It eats us alive and THEY COULD CARE LESS! Them not caring that we hate them or wish they would die is the worst part I think, cause WE SURE CARED about them. Maybe ErinB there’ll be a shark attack this week in the gulf, maybe the oil will drive them bonkers and they’ll crawl to his apartment! LOL
Apartment…..NO CHANCE…..he’s conning a rich couple, she’s got her 3rd round of Breast Cancer…..playing nursemaid and good guy…….conning them for whatever he is wanting from them……money, status, women, ego boost, a place to live, a car to drive…….someone to keep in touch with him when he’s incarcerated…..one never knows…
No apartment….it’s a house on a golf course in Palm Beach.
It does have a lake right outside……so maybe it’s aligator infested and it won’t be a shark afterall!!!!
I won’t protest.
Yes…..I’m obvioulsy not quite ready to forgive……maybe after the alligator or shark gets him, I can forgive.
I did like this article…..I need to explore it further.
Dear EB,
I have to WORK on the forgiveness part on a continual basis, I admit. It is easy to stir up that anger if you FEED IT. Like the old myth about the two wolves inside us, the one that WINS is the one we feed.
Right now I am working on feeding my calm and peaceful wolf, and starving the bad wolf but it hasn’t died of starvation yet, and sometimes when something happens out of the blue, it throws the darned bad wolf a STEAK!
What happened about that other house you were trying to close on? I remember you talking about some heating problem with it that was fixed with “putty” and duct tape or something.
Hot and humid here today, still haven’t broken down yet and turned on the AC managing okay with the attic fan and ceiling fans. Washing clothes and will hang out after the sun goes behind the trees. Having thunder storms all around but doesn’t look like will here but weather is crazy like last year! I’m blaming it on The BP oil spill—-CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT A BUNCH OF CORPORATE PSYCHOPATHS????
Thanks EB and Ox for the link and posts on this. I struggle constantly with anger over the continued injustice in our situation.
One part struck me. I feel that I must stay NC in public. This appears to be nonforgiveness. I think it is consequences for his behavior.
any thought?
Oh, man – forgiveness is a tough topic for me. I think it’s hard for any person who has the slightest amount of compassion to extend it to someone who so clearly doesn’t. It isn’t a level playing field at all… we’re not even playing the same sport! I must have forgiven my sociopath hundreds of times, and begged for HIS forgiveness even more. I didn’t even do anything! Looking back, I remember apologizing for thinking he was cheating on me, and he WAS! He just sat there and let me do it… let me feel all the remorse and shame for doubting him and his love. Sickening. How do you forgive that?
I guess it’s something you have to do within yourself. I think I might have made his condition worse by offering so many excuses and apologies for what were really HIS hurtful actions (not that I’m excusing them!).
It’s funny… one of the last things I said to him before I got the restraining order was that I would forgive him one day, but he would actually have to apologize. I don’t even know why I said it… it just came out. Deep down, I really thought things were going to end badly (i.e., he would kill me), and at least I wanted to have peace with myself if that were to happen, and maybe offer him peace if he were to succeed in destroying me and find himself seriously regretting it 50 years from now or whenever he decides to get a conscience. Isn’t that bizarre?
I’m not as resentful as I once was, but I think that’s because I’m still in it and haven’t really seen much improve in my life now that he’s gone. I am terrified to even meet a man, much less date. I isolate a lot, and I know it’s not good, but I think I’m getting a lot out of researching and such online. I am far more educated about him now then I was a year ago, that’s for sure. I get so angry when people tell me, “He’s just a philanderer… you’re overreacting. ALL men cheat.” If that was ALL he did, I totally could’ve handled that. Folks just don’t know.
FP – I think “consequences for his behavior” is soooo right on. If it works for a 3 year old, it pretty much works for him! That’s my ex’s maturity level.
freemama, yes, forgiveness is tricky. Most days I forgive them (yes, I had a double whammy of deceit … actually, more than double, but, I have to remember to stop counting) and other days the anger or frustration (I’m not sure which it is) just flushes my face. Then I have to compartmentalize the situation and tuck it in a nice place in the back of my mind or heart. The only wisdom that brings my compassion in full gear is to know, none of our Spaths can love, have compassion for others, cry, experience any joy, have that mental connection with another, experience that feeling that overwhelms your heart just hearing that significant other’s heartbeat next to you and knowing everything is calm and serene in the world. Now, I would call that sad for none of them will ever experience it.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal.