Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
OXY:
The other house was a rental unit I owned (in title only) with my inlaws…..I had to scramble RIGHT after the divorce to get that transfered into my name only…..I did it!
The other son (of MIL) had power of attorney and he was suspected of using this POA to sign his dead fathers and mothers ‘share’ over to ex spath…..
I got wind of this and was able to head it off and use my POA to get er done!!!
Just in the nick oftime…..got it recorded.
Not a word since.
They never contributed a dime, it was never their intent to own the property, and they NEVER had a dime invested. I couldn’t qualify for loan alone at that time 20 plus years ago…..
I had all records, tax documentations, checks, yadayada…..BUT….I didn’t want to be on the end of having to prove it was my property……and not being able to rent it in the meantime, as that is a big chunk of my income.
Anyways…..got the death cert. from FIL death state, got it transfered, and got it placed in sole my name in a week.
Poof!
As I left the county recorders office, my attorney called me to say she had a new deed written up……I told her DONE! I couldn’t wait.
Spaths plan was to move into it and prevent me from this income……COUNTER CONTROLLED THAT!
Anyways…..at some point I will get to forgiveness stage…..
I think it may come in time……but wounds are opened by stressors all the time through kids and legal deals…..and I obviously am not ready.
I also get scared that if I come to forgiveness and he contacts me…..(after TPO is up)….then I may fall prey again (weakness)……
I must stick with my original notion of…..I will NEVER speak to him again in my life!!!!
If we could talk…..we’d still be married…..
Well…maybe not. 🙂
Dear EB, forgiveness does NOT MEAN THAT YOU GIVE OVER THE POWER TO ‘RECONNECT” in any way, it just means that you are not filled with bitterness. Actually, I think you may be further along toward forgiving than you may even be aware of. You are not nearly as caustic as you were a couple of yrs ago. Your posts are different any way it seems to me.
I got rid of my rental property right before the RE crash and boy was that a relief, but now with interest so low there’s no income at all from the money, but they needed workk and I sold them at the top of the RE market so I don’t guess I should second guess my decision to sell.
Glad you got it in your name before they screwed you over! I can’t imagine putting anything in anyone else’s name ever again. I guess I am fortunate that our trust can’t be disolved. I can’t sell the house til I am totally in control of the trust but at least I can’t be screwed out of it.
Had tinderloin sandwiches tonight out of the last of the meat, and have enough for another night or two, son D is leaving for his summer job this week so will last til he goes and then I am back on the “starvation” diet. (Not really, just a healthy one!) Haven’t gained any more wt. but haven’t lost any more either, so need to lose another 10-15 pounds before I hit the wall again. Maybe I can do that while he is gone. Live on turkey salads. YUM!!!!
Wow – you just clued me in on one of the tricks he tried to pull!
He stopped paying our mortgage (which was in his name, though we’re both on the title) in August of 2009, 6 months after he moved out. He would not give me permission to even speak to the bank, though I asked dozens of times. I couldn’t even pay if I wanted to. He claimed he was trying to get the mortgage “restructured”, but after 5 months of no news, I decided to move out (plus he moved into a houseshare with 2 women a block away. NOT pleasant). His lawyer badgered me constantly to sign a quit claim, trying to sell it like it was some great thing and I would be cleared of liability. Something in me said no… let it go into foreclosure. That place was my dream home. I spent thousands of dollars trying to make it a nice home for my ds, and he just threw it away. No way was I going to let him have it.
Now I see his game was to rent it out and pocket the earnings! It’s been sitting empty all these months. Must drive him nuts. I still have no idea what’s going to happen to it. My old neighbor keeps calling and complaining about it… asking me to go over and take care of the yard. He lives a block away! Let him deal with it! Of course she’s afraid to call him.
What a JERK! At least his credit will be shot after all of this. I’m very glad our broker suggested we’d get a better rate if he signed it on his own!
Caustic….ROTFLMAO!!!
I know it doesn’t give up my power to do anything….and it’s for me…..
But I think it has something to do with keeping my defense mech . up so when he does reappear…..I’m not blindsided…..
Letting my guard down…..whatever….
I think every day is another step closer to a better day!!!
CAUSTIC???? LOL….I’m cracking up……
I came to LF right in the height of my battle….war zone….passion kick ass attitude…..wanting him strung out by his hairless balls with a ice pick up his infamous anus.
I think, just like all the other steps…..it will just sneak up on me one day…..and then I’ll realize it….
But, so far….it hasn’t snuck up on me…..or at least I don’t feel it yet!
Mmmmmm tenderloin sandwiches…mmmmmm…..NO canned peas though!!!
I made a great purchase, back in the day….it’s been a great investment and no complaints with a $200 monthly mortgage. And at least I will always have a place if I lose this house……
I remember for years spath would demand I sell it……THANK god I always said no way!!! If I would have sold it he would have got 1/2 the money……yeah….hindsight…
But looking at it…..he wanted me to liquidate everything……he had a long range plan with his drug money….to leave.
Good for you for selling at the height of the market!!!!!
CAUSTIC!?!?!?!?! hahahahahahaha
Did I spit that much venom? – don’t answer that!
XXOO
EB
EB,Oxy-yall been on here a couple of years? Thanks so much for staying with it and giving the rest of us the benefit of your wisdom!
EB,Caustic? I needed a little of your acid last year…after being beaten down by the monster for 15 years, I was a wimp! I finally got my voice and will never take anything off of him again..
yeah……I’m still laughing…..CAUSTIC!
I think i’m about a year and a half in on LF. I don’t quite remember…..I lurked for a long time before posting, taking it all in.
I’m gonna have to go back and review…….to remind myself of how far I’ve come…..
It’s good to have a measurement.
I think a big part of the battle is us…..we need to find our balls and expand them……we need to finally take control and drive the boat! Pull on our inner sociopath, learn about our spaths and use all the shiat they pulled on us……back at them…….but in a way which benefits us. You can’t go through a divorce with a sociopath playing by the nice rules…..gotta learn the game and play it!
I just gotta keep my sense of humor…..I think that’s the trick!
Dear EB ,
Sugar I’m glad I made your day!!! Glad you can still garuff and laugh about it all. Yea, I think I’ve been here 2 1/2 years, sheesh time goes so fast. I think I bought the RV and RAN in June of 2007, I remember it is the 9th of June but not the YEAR! What a crazy way to remember (or NOT) things!
I know I was on one of Sam Vaknin’s MSMN sites which turned out to be as abusive as he is, and then I discovered LF and felt like I had arrived HOME!!! That feeling only got better the longer I was here. I would sit at the table in the RV and post on here with tears streaming down my face for hours and hours, then go to bed and read my Bible and cry and cry. I was spending hours trying to get my credit cards straight after the TH-p had charged all this stuff on them and he had taken control of my cell phone account and run up the bills. There was so much going on I was like a whirling dervish going round and round until I got so dizzy I would almost pass out trying to figure what to do or which direction to run in.
Gosh those were “the days” of the CRAZY MAKING, the feeling alone, losing 3 of my pets that I had had for years in 6 months’ time, all by death, moving away from my home, being D&D’d by everyone but son D. Then, getting the Rocky mountain spotted fever and being so sick I could barely walk.
My summer was one disaster after another! The stress level was so high I am amazed I lived through it, but you know, in a way all that seems like a “movie I saw once” but not like it happened to ME. I can remember,. visualize it all, but the stress, the emotions and the pain are not associated with the memories any more. IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. It is just something that isn’t “real” any more, not scary like it was. Just something I saw or read about once.
I think that helps in “forgiving” too, EB..I can remember how scared, how mad,, how hurt, how raw I was then but it is like trying to remember labor pains, you can recall but you can’t truly “remember” how it FELT. I can empathize more with someone in labor than someone who had never felt it, but I can’t go back and FEEL that pain any more. It is behind me now. I’m happy now, and I think it has just sneaked up on me.
Doesn’t mean I won’t be triggered tomorrow and fall apart, but I’m not even afraid of that any more! I KNOW I CAN HANDLE IT. I can handle ANYTHING now! I could have then but I didn’t realize it.l NOW I DO. I know cause I proved to myself that I could, cause I DID IT!!!
You did too, EB, and all the times we have given support to each other, we have supported ourselves more. That’s what it is about I think! By helping each other we get stronger our selves.
LOL I’m glad you didn’t boink me for saying you were “caustic” but that was the nicest word I could thinkk of! LOL ROTFLMAO
I agree…..in offering others support….it helps us too!
It’s like hearing yourself talk……
Learning through others……and keeping on the healing journey.
I was thinking about the fear last night……knowing I can make it through anything, but it is that damn gut yuck feeling that it so sucky……that’s what I feltlast night….it was a reminder of those years of worry and fear of everything…..
Last night I was worrying about my health again….and finances again….(the house)…..all things i’m not totally incontrol of.
It is an evolution of US…..
No skillets for you……that would be wayyyyy toooo CAUSTIC!!!
LOL!!!!!!
EB, I think the assistance that I get from the people who are in the throes of ridding themselves from the parasites serves to remind me that I should be grateful for every day that I spent without an spath in my life. Whether it’s a former friend, an ex, a former business partner – each day that takes me further from an spath is a day to learn and heal.
For those of you who feel lost, desperate, and crazy – I felt all of those things, as well. Most of what you’re experiencing has been mentioned by one member or another through the volumes of these articles and threads. You are NOT alone, you are NOT hopeless, and there IS a world beyond the one that the spath has constructed.
Take heart and know that everything that you’re experiencing is okay – the fear, the hypervigilance, the waffling, etc….it’s all part and parcel of spath living. It will begin to dissipate when you take your strong steps down your individual healing paths. Little-by-little, the insanity will not only begin to make sense, but the grieving process can begin for what the spaths SHOULD have been. We all go through this and it’s evidenced by threads and posts that go back a few years!
Brightest blessings to you all, and thank you for your trust in sharing your experiences and for helping me to continue down my healing path.
oxy – your 11:15 post to Erin is very moving for me. i am still living in that whirlwind or things falling apart and trying to pick myself up everytime *I* fall apart. sage experience. thanks for sharing.