Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
Dear Firefly,
Yes, this makes a lot of sense. Safety and peace are what I want the most. It will help to see my therapist tomorrow. Sometimes I don’t think they totally get it. She help me see that he is toxic but can remain conservative in her advice. Kind of like they don’t want to say too much because of a lawsuit.
Thanks for the words of wisdom, firefly. I need to stop obsessing.
Okay, Hopeforjoy – then envision yourself in that safe and peaceful place, wherever it may be.
Obsessing? Is this what your H says to you/about you?
Many therapists don’t “get it.” Just go to vent in the safety of the therapeutic alliance, if for nothing else. I don’t know about the advice part of therapy, I work in that field now and personally, I don’t give advice; rather, listen, validate, challenge some reasoning, and act as a cheerleader of sorts.
To be more clear (about me), my MH position is not with survivors of spaths; rather, in a related psych. trauma field.
Dear HopeforJoy,
Therapy should provide you with a supportive environment where you hear your thoughts and your own feelings come through to you. If you can do it independently, great, but best if there is an “objective” sounding board. The sounding board will cease to be objective the moment he/ she (therapist) will give you an advise you choose not to follow. So, it’s common to not give advise, but instead provide what is called “empathic listening”.
in a very odd way, the P is an excellent therapist. With psychopathic mirroring, you are really able to focus on yourself and the two of you are able to make great strides. Too bad, it ends in agony, for they cannot keep it up, but the mirroring is something we all miss in the wooing stage. I won’t believe anyone who says otherwise. The mirroring was like our own little narc supply. Did we not hear how great we were? and unique?
Now, I live by “I am special. Just like everyone else”. (a bit of a sad joke)
Firefly,
Obsessing comes from me, getting bogged down by the situation and not knowing the quickest way out.
My therapist is a psychotherapist and talks out problems as well. She has said that husband is narcisstic and controlling, emotionally abusive, she also refused to see him again saying their session was unproductive. She recommended al-anon for my coping with his sex addiction. Regardless, it never seems to be the concrete “He’s abusive, get out!”
But I know he is abusive. I do feel better when I see the therapist, she ‘hears’ me and gets me to take more control of my life.
I am imagining a peaceful place tonight and will focus on some projects that I am looking forward to getting done (tearing down wallpaper and painting). Thanks for the advice
Dear Hopoe4,
Darling why do you need SOMEONE ELSE TO TELL YOU HE IS ABUSIVE, GET OUT? You already KNOW THAT.
VALIDATE YOURSELF!!!! And yes, you do fit the “yes, but…” pattern and WE HAVE MOST OF US (all?) been in the same spot at one time or another. I just could NOT turn loose of my egg donor, I kept believing it would get better or she would UNDERSTAND and quit devaluing me….NOPE. She may not actually be a psychopath, but she is one by PROXY, as she ENABLES my P-son to have the resources to KILL ME. She knows the truth, but DENIES it, trivalizes it, devalues me, smears me, lies to me, and on and on, so it is only when I quit saying YES, BUT…” and ACTED to save myself did I even get in a place I COULD HEAL.
You are an ENABLER—Al Anon is for ENABLERS, and enablers “help” others but DO NOT HELP THEMSELVES. I was an enabler. I helped others, but NEVER MYSELF. I did for others, but not for myself.
Your H-P is NOT your responsibility,, YOU ARE, and your kids, and right now, it is my opinion that you are falling down on your responsibility to take care of yourself and your kids.
Get up and take care of yourself and your kids. YOU CAN DO IT! You have the knowledge, now USE IT!!!!! It will be SCARY and HARD, and scary and harder and scarrier and scarier and harder but you can do it and there is LIFE AND HAPPINESS AND PEACE at the end of that road!!!! And, I can guarentee that if you don’t ACT, there is nothing but pain in the place you are NOW!!!! (((hugs))))) and my prayers sweetie!
ox – just read your post from this aft to me. thank you again for sharing what you have learned. somehow this post and the other i responded to earlier really clicked for me.
i am sick of the spath. don’t really want to deal with it at all anymore. haven’t completely figured out what to do, but i am getting there (in terms of who and what to pass off to others. ’cause i just can’t do it. i need it to be over.)
i had an interview yesterday. 100 applicants for 1 position. 13 made it to the first round of interviews. have been invited for the second. maybe 4 or 5 of us were. when i walked out of the interview – after spending an hour and a half talking to 5 people i have never met, i took a big breath and exhaled, thinking…’ to be free of this horrid fucking woman, to be engaged in other things, this is my wish.’ it seems hardly possible still. but it must be.
night night,
one
Hopeforjoy,
Is there a “quickest way out” for you or is this something that is going to take time? I only ask because when I was still with spath #2, my line of thought was to save money, wait for the divorce. I was deluding myself, and it was me who was keeping me from leaving. Once that hit home, I left. Yes, everyone is different, while on the other hand, everyone -even you- deserves to be safe.
“But I know he is abusive.” Try this, “He is abusive,” then go on from that point.
Al anon to cope with his sex-addiction? Why do you need to (cope) take ownership of his behavior?
Take control of you, your life because you only live once.
Dear Firefly, the referral to al-anon was for HER not for her copiing with HIM, because she has ENABLED him, to continue to abuse her, to lie to her, etc. It starts out about them, but ends up about US—not blaming the victim, but accepting responsibility for OURSELVES not for others behavior.
One-step, I sat down and wrote a book about my biological sperm donor and the things that he did, from murder on, and fully intended to PUBLISH IT. And, I knew that the last thing he wanted me to do was publish the TRUTH—he had already published his VERSION of his life–99% FICTION and 1% truth. He did in the end end up quite “famous” and VERY wealthy
I researched and wrote the 600 page book of his life, his family, his 7 marriages, his con games, everything—named names and dates and evidence, interviewed witnesses, —but once it was done, I realized I had let him EAT UP a year of my life, but also I realized I didn’t even hate him any more.
When he died a coupleof years ago even though he left me not one centavo By law I had to be notified by his estate. I had always thought that when he died I would sue his estate and “settle out of court” for some large sum, but I realized I didn’t want his money. I realized that even if he had left me 100 million dollars I would have given it ALL away to come cause he would have hated. I didn’t want his blood money. Had no desire for it.
His autobiography is out there on the internet now for free, all 1200 pages of it. At first when I realized he had had his executor put all of it on the internet for free and that when my maiden name was googled it would come up with is 7 chapters of it that he told every lie about me that could made up. At first I was so upset, then I realized I didn’t even care about THAT. SO WHAT!?!!!! The people who KNOW ME won’t believe one word of it, and if people who never heard about me believe ALL of it, SO WHAT? I know he did it because he was so afraid that his relatives would believe me instead of him, and you know what? They DID. His ex wives knew the truth (all of them I know) People he did business with knew the truth about him. Or at least enough of the truth to know he was a LIAR. A phony! A crook! A beast! His employees knew it, 3 of his 4 children knew it, and had nothing to do with him. The man never had a real friend in the world. Pretty sad if you think about it. His father didn’t like or trust him, none of his sibs did, none of his first cousins did, nor his uncles and aunts.
One, your resources are limited. Use them for YOUR needs, and let go of the need to justify yourself by outing that wicked evil woman! It took me a lot of energy, time, and resources to quit hating them. To quit wanting to instrument some kind of vindication or validation from others that I was “right.” It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. You know you are right! You know she is evil. You know she IS THE LIE.
So, will it be any MORE real if someone else says it? OK, here it is. SHE IS EVIL. YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU GOT SHEET ON. Now take a deep breath and let KARMA get her, it will, just like it did my evil sperm donor. He died the most pitiful death I can imagine. He died unjustified, unhappy, and angry, bitter, alone, miserable after NEVER HAVING HAPPINESS, after never having felt love or care, just a need for power and control and it was never enough. He hated me because I stood up to him. IT AGE AT HIM. I finally quit letting it eat at ME. I WIN!!!!
Now take care of YOURSELF darling, and leave her to the universe! Then you will WIN!!!!!! All the marbles, all the chips, because you will put yourself as more important, more valid than she/it is! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers that you will have PEACE!
ErinBrock, I’m sorry I didn’t respond yesterday as I said I would. I need to clarify that my 2 sociopaths are: a doctor (‘sister’), and a neighbour (a psychiatrist). The psychiatrist educates the doctor (my sociopath sister) in a way a master teachers a student how to do things, if you get my drift. I mention their roles b/c of the irony that disordered people go into medicine and use their profession to abuse their targets (“such and such has a disorder, we need to do something about them”).
Dear Outlier,
They also become ceos, lawyers, cops, wardens, coaches, teachers, professors, ministers & priests, judges, politicians and military, any position with status and/or authority over others is attractive to psychopaths, who are looking for people they can “lord it over.”
Occasionally one or more will “team up” together to work toward a common destruction of someone.
It is ironic that these people who have so much power to do good use it for selfish reasons.