Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
Dear AussieLisa,
((((Hugs))))) Only YOU can make the decisions you have to make, but before you take him back, keep in mind, you KNOW WHAT HE IS…we’re here for you if you need to talk. God bless.
AussieLisa:
I can only tell you what I know.
I have children with a spath. One of my ‘grateful’ thoughts was ……thank god my kids were teenagers when we separated/divorced.
My heart goes out to all the ladies raising children with spaths…..it’s an inevitable future for the children. All we can dois protect our kids and provide them the BEST possible influence and hope for the best.
Just because your pregnant is NO reason to allow him back.
Your future is ‘carved out’ if you do…..you already know how it ‘ends’.
If you take control of your future NOW, and continue down the path of getting out and healing…..there may be a chance down the road to meet a man who will be a great role model for your child(ren).
DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!!! (and your child(ren).
And don’t be influenced by any guilt trips!
This story has a usual ending if you let him back.
Good luck, remain strong!!!
XXOO
EB
I so wish that I could bloody wake up from this nightmare. I keep thinking about the many nights I couldnt sleep wondering what the hell was wrong. Why did my life with him feel like groundhog day everyday, chaos everyday. When I would try to talk about it with him, he would be too tired, too stressed, too yada yada ya… I would walk into the room and he would walk out, I would go into the other room with him and he would walk out. He got stressed when I went into his work car or touched his mobile phone. Talking would end up with me screaming and him calling me a psycho bitch and he would go to bed and as soon as I went to bed he would hit me up for sex and if I said no he would put a guilt trip on me about that. There where signs everywhere, I just never saw them, I trusted and loved and blamed myself for all the problems we had. I feel so stupid and betrayed. I never ever wanted a band-aid baby but that is how this feels now and Im angry that Im even in this position. I knew we where in trouble financially but my clock was tick-tocking. I just dont think I am strong enough to do this on my own. This poor little soul, I just want to wake up now please.
Aussie:
Take a deep breath and make your decision.
You’ve got to keep moving forward……
XXOO
EB
The title of this thread is “Sociopaths drag their families into the con” and it seems to be more geared to boyfriends/ girlfriends. However I don’t have a place to post this and it seems to fit here somewhat.
Long story short, My older brother is a documented Sociopath and I am his current Target and My Mother is his current Victim. Unfortunately, My Mother is drawn in to his Faux life so much that when she is shown incontrovertible proof he is lying, she will deny it. She even lies for him, big time. One time she said she went to the Dr. with him and the Dr. said all kinds of stuff about me. While she was doing that, I pulled up the GPS tracking for her car and her credit card account and asked her how it was possible to be at the Dr. Office 40 miles away from where her car was and who made the three charges on her Credit card during that time, and where did the new small kitchen appliance and other stuff come from? She just got mad at me, yet she still sticks to her lie that she was at the Dr. with my Brother.
Most recently, we were out for wings and my brother was making snide comments about me. I just said, while waving my hand, “you know you really need to stop doing that.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed so hard he drew blood at the fingernails. I told him if he didn’t let go I was going to slap him. He squeezed harder, so I slapped him. He jumps up and yells “He hit me, did you see that?” and runs outside and acts like he got on his cell phone. He comes back in in about 10 seconds and say’s “You’re lucky, they were busy right now and they can’t come and get you.” I said, “whatever” and my Mother whom had just gotten done saying “I don’t blame you he wouldn’t let go,” turn around and said “you hit him first, that’s why he grabbed your hand.” I said just go home, and went to go hang out with my friends and got a ride home from them.
I got smart and called the police after they left and had them pull the surveillance video which clearly showed him grabbing my hand, me saying something to him, and him not letting go till I slapped him…
My brother goes home and hits himself with something in the head to give himself a lump and, then gets my Mother to go to the police with him in the morning and get’s [b]her[/b] to file a false police report – which, thank God she didn’t sign because she’d be in jail now.
Then She calls all the family and tells everyone the lie, and goes around and tells neighbors and friends the lie also…
After the police tell her of the video and that I slapped him in self defense and not anywhere near where his lump is, she refuses to tell any of the people she told the lie to what the truth is.
Now Note: He got Mom to file a report noting that when his lie is uncovered He won’t get in trouble, but Mom would.
Beware of these people. He has torn our family apart. My Father passed away over 20 years ago. So I can’t break the promise I had made to him to keep our Mother protected from my Brother. Well after this and several visits to the cemetery, I think my Dad understands that I have to break the promise, otherwise I’m going to loose it. Well I almost did because I took to Liquor for a little bit and after calling for help because I wanted to kill myself – out of total frustration – and being taken to the hospital by the police, because I scared the hell out of the person I was talking to and getting let go an hour later when they realized I wouldn’t do it.
My Mother is a rocking 84. She still works, now she has to because she can’t stop spending. She has a sharp mind, but she is so sucked into my Brother’s lies and manipulation that she denies even the medical community.
My Mother twists things so badly now that if she asks me for an opinion, I won’t give it to her.
Now for the Girlfriend part. My Brother’s wife Divorced him many years ago because of the way he is. And it was not nice either. She ran up his credit card bills and Mom and I had to bail him out. Well not really bail, but we had to do all the legal crap to get it straightened out. In the middle of all this he was blaming G** his ex wife’s boyfriend. My brother even bashed his own front door in trying to blame his ex and G** for doing it.
Problem is someone saw him doing it and told our Father. But even then he still continues to tell people G** bashed his door in.
His ex told me once exactly what my Brother did that caused her to leave him. I won’t say it, but it’s disgusting….Then many many moons later his Girlfriend/Fiance` of 11 years leaves him too and does even worse to him. I don’t forgive her nor condone her in anyway, but I fully understand why she did what she did to him. I find out from a deposition what my Brother did to her that caused her to leave him, and it’s the Identical story his ex wife told me…
Then in dealing with his crap I find out about a Girlfriend I never knew about that he had between his Ex wife and this last Girlfriend. And she told me the exact same story as to why she left him. Well this one was smart enough to get out quickly and didn’t harm him. But she won’t come back to any area where my Brother lives.
So, in a Nutshell, That’s my Story and I’m sticking to it.
Dear BubuSpidecky,
Welcome to LF, ARE WE SISTERS? Actually we probably are just cousins! My egg donor is 81 and it is MY P-son she enables not a brother!
This is a place for ANYONE who has ANY form of relationshit with a psychopath, so you should feel right at home here!
Sorry you qualify for membership in our group, but if you do qualify (and sounds like you do) it is a great group to give you support and information! Stick around for a while! You’ll be glad you did!
Well we’re definitely not sisters, since I’m a guy, albeit a gay guy, but thanks for the welcome.
You know, I really don’t think that the Families get dragged into the con. I have learned from experience that warning someone only causes more headaches. My Brother had a real nice, but down right “stupid-blind,” girlfriend one time. When she called me one time to question something he had been saying, I honestly answered the question and also reassured her that his lies were petty, but that she should beware. She went right back to my Brother and told him everything I said.
Every time I have warned someone about his “Illness,” it has always backfired and made them despise me. They eventually figure him out on their own. In all the years and all the people I have warned, only one person has ever come back to me and “profusely” apologized for “hating” me for trying to protect them by warning them. That person was good enough to go back and correct their “misdeeds” while under my Brother’s “Spell.”
Before my Mother got sucked in, she tried to warn some people too, and had the same result as I.
So I don’t believe it’s the Family that get’s drawn into the con, it’s actually the victim’s “fault.” Now, if I get asked about him, my only response is “Beware” and then change the subject. Sometimes a dumb woman will tell him I said that, but most times it get’s them to open their eyes or at the very least to trust their gut over their heart.
Cheers,
BuBu
Dear BuBu,
Well, we are definintely SIBS! And welcome anyway BROTHER! Yea, I have had people go back to my egg donor and tell them what I said, so I am like you, generally don’t express myself, mainly because people really aren’t looking for TRUTH in some of these situations.
I don’t “blame” the victim, but it is a CHOICE. If you haven’t read Gavin Debecker’s “The Gift of Fear” you should I think, it is really a great book! He believes that the FIRST time we are abused by someone we are a victim, and from then on we are volunteers and I agree with that. WHAT MAKES US VOLUNTEER may be psychological, chemical, environmental, or Stockholm syndrome, but we have a CHOICE to leave, we just do not exercise it at first, some never exercise it. Does that mean we have no choice? Of course not, and the psychopath also has a choice to stop abusing, but they choose not to. Does that mean they have no choice? Of course it doesn’t.
They have a choice to abuse. We have a choice to allow or not allow the abuse. So those of us who have MADE THE CHOICE to recognize abuse for what it is and to NOT allow it are working our way out of the cycles of abuse into a more healthy for us life style.
Your mother, like my egg donor, is volunteering to belive what is less painful for her to believe, rather than believing that the son she loves is a monster. That denial is (she thinks) less painful (at least in the short run) than acknowledging the truth and accepting that her son is a monster. I’ve been there with my own P son, and I definitely KNOW how painful it is to realize that a child you love has become in adulthood a monster who is not only capable of killing someone but ENJOYS doing it. My egg donor grew up protecting the males in the family, mitigating the consequences of their bad choices and evil behaivor and has not grown out of this way of thinking and reacting. I find that kind of thing not acceptable, because I have LEARNED BETTER, I think, ways of coping with this. Painful, but much more realistic in the end, and LONG term, less painful. Denial keeps us from FIXING the PROBLEM. I can’t fix HIM, but I can fix MY problem by staying away from him and accepting him for what he really is….a monster in human form.
BuBu:
Yes dear…..your dad will certainly ‘forgive’ you! He understood!
WE all make our own choices…….this IS a toxic triangle….jump out!
Welcome to LF……there is so much to learn here!
If you know your being manipulated, then it’s not manipulation.