Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
It’s an attempt, unless we fall for it!
Watch for those Red Flags, so you don’t fall for the Black Magic!!
“There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well”
OMG – this is soooooooooooo true of my own case. Am posting my story as confirmation of how true this aspect of sociopathy/narcissistic personality disorder this is.
Abreiviations:
Mother in Law (MIL) – or more correctly monster-in-law
Nasty Narc ex (exN)
Foolish Me – (FM)
I had been with exN for about 18 months when he decides that he needs to move back to his hometown, he’s finally managed to get himself a good job (only after a massive and sustained support campaign by FM) and he really wants to get his act together (allegedly). One thing and another we decide to move in together. I’m a little unsure about the whole plan – afterall I’d be moving away from close friends, a place that I love living, will have to get a new job etc etc. Still ‘he loves me’, I’m the ‘best thing that’s ever happened to him’, I’m ‘his best friend’ etc etc – he ‘needs my support’ with this thing and so on and so forth.
Next thing is – exN tells me that MIL is moving to a foreign country in a couple of months and that she’s suggested that we move into the ol’ family homestead to kind of look after the place & solve our problem of where to live. I resist this – the place is a rental not owned and I’d like us to choose our own place and make an independant home for ourselves. I’ve lived financially independently since 17 and proud of it. Also because it will involve living with MIL for at least 6 weeks prior to the supposed move abroad and ‘there’s just something about her I can’t put my finger on’ – but anyways I’m not keen to live with her.
Anyway – there’s real pressure, and with fake crocodile tears in his eyes he tries to persuade me that this is a really good plan, he loves this house, he grew up there etc. He has memories of his father there (deceased when exN was 18) Moreover he says that ‘we can be a proper family there – and you are part of my family now’. This is a particularly potent argument because he happens to know that I had an abusive childhood (physical, emotional) and I guess I’ve always wanted to ‘belong’ to a decent family.
Reluctantly FM agrees to give it a go (temporarily) and we move in.
BIG MISTAKE! The biggest mistake EVER.
MIL – does not even give me one cupboard in the whole house to put any of ‘my things’.
MIL ”“ routinely rummages through the dirty linen basket in our bedroom- takes out exN’s dirty underwear and then washes it. She leaves my stuff in the basket of course When I asked her (nicely) not to do that – she just gave me a basilisk stare and refuses to say a word.
MIL – is a major benefit fraudster as it turns out. (This is a big no-no-no for me as I have a job that requires police checks/evidence of good character). When I state (quite calmly) that they are well aware it’s not possible for me to live in this fraudulent/illegal situation, they accuse me of ‘trying to tell them what to do’.
MIL talks only in her own native language to exN when I’m present – which I only partially understand.
MIL spends much of her time crying, being depressed and carrying on because exN does not do enough for her . It’s clear that exN’s only job in life is to ensure MIL’s happiness – she has no proper life of her own!
MIL comes into the room without knocking when we are having sex. More than once!
MIL kisses exN ”“ on the lips ”“ all the time ”“ yeurch!
FM pays all the rent ‘owed’ to MIL – exN doesn’t contribute a bean.
But ”“ I think ”“ what the hell it’s only for 6 weeks right? WRONG. 6 weeks come and go, 8 weeks come and go, 10 weeks come and go and there’s a stunning wall of ‘silent treatment’ going on. When I try to talk about the situation/future plans witth either exN or MIL there’s suddenly complete evasion from MIL and exN. Suddenly the TV programme is really interesting, or someone needs to run an errand immediately. This starts to make me go a little crazzzzzy!
I talk to exN about things ”“ he tells me – “Well I can’t force MIL out of ther house”. I say OK ”“ then we need to make another plan ”“ this isn’t working. ExN agrees and I started looking for another place to live. Unfortunately exN suddenly reveals significant debts ”“ news to me and another MAJOR RED FLAG. Still I work out a plan that works and figure we can still get by on what I’m earning etc.
Then I come home one day to discover that MIL has agreed to pay off all MLS debts and they are talking about buying the house we’re living in currently ‘as an investment’ and all living there as a ‘gruesome threesome’.
I’ve had enough by now and tell ex N so”“ FM explains to exN that I’m planning to start back over in my home town – but I still want to be with him ”“ just living with MIL is not working out for me. I’m not even rude about her ”“ as I’ve quickly deduced that it’s relationship suicide to say anything about supposedly saintly MIL.
I think it’s at this point he desperately started the final ‘devalue & discard’ phase. If only I’d known I was dealing with an N and then I would’ve known not to announce my intention to leave the situation and end their controlling b/s.
Ex N and I decide to go for some couples counselling to get through the next few weeks in a civilised manner if nothing else and to help me to deal with my ‘trust issues’. HA HA HA. In 10 weeks I’ve been living in this house I’ve gone from sassy, secure, funny, friendly and sexy to a shadow of my former self.
Ex N is spending lots of time out of the home, he doesn’t answer his phone when I call, he tells me that ‘he needs space’ that ‘I’m crowding him and being controlling’. He suggests that I spend time with MIL ‘if I need company’. I suspect cheating of course I do – but can’t ever get proper proof. ExN is sooooooooo desperate to pull the wool over my eyes and make sure I don’t find out about the cheating for certain whilst I’m still in the sociopathic hell-hole.
ExN had conveniently forgets to mention during counselling that he is cheating. He told me in counselling – 2 weeks before the final ‘devalue and discard’ that ‘he wanted to be the one man to show me that it was possible to love and trust in this world’ – he knows that I’ve been let down before and he PROMISES PROMISES PROMISES that he will alway treat me with the respect that I deserve’.
By this point in the whole sorry tale”“ I’ve started to realise that I’m dealing with people who are incredibly abusive to one another. My gut knew that this was ‘wrong wrong wrong’, but I wish I’d known about LoveFraud and more about N’s S’s and P’s as I do now.
MIL calls exN names behind his back, talks complainingly of all the terrible sacrifices she’s made for him, reminds him of every mistake/bad deed he’s ever done (numerous!), shows him no respect and generally acts like he’s a badly-behaved 10 year old ”“ who’s a complete & utter disappointment to her.
Ex N in return ”“ borrows money which he never pays back, lies constantly about his whereabouts, agrees to do things in the home and then ‘forgets’ on the day, complains endlessly to me that MIL doesn’t ‘respect him’. (Couldn’t argue with him there!).
Near ‘the end’ after a fierce row with exN, where I’m basically calling him on the fact that I believe he is lying & cheating he is physically abusive to me (slaps, punch & shaking me till my teeth rattle). MIL is there – she later tells me that she ‘can’t intervene’ because she ‘doesn’t know what I did to provoke him’. GRRRRRR! GROOOOWL!
I move out a couple of days later – to a temporary address – don’t have a job or a proper permanent home to go to, but situation in ‘sociopath land’ is too crazy making to endure. I’m devastated, ruined emotionally, wrecked etc (like everyone else here TOTALLY GETS).
The day after I move out exN’s new target is on the phone to me – telling me to ‘stay away from her man’ – they’re in love and blah, blah, blah. ExN is desperately trying to persuade her not to speak to me even as the conversation is going on. He’s in a TOTAL panic at this point (losing control of the situation).
Target no 4 and I swap some pertinent information and she’s a little less sure of herself my the end of that conversation let me tell you! I was angry with her of course, she was ‘my instrument of torture’ but still it’s good she got to find out about exN much earlier that I did in ‘the cycle of abuse’.
I find out some of the following bits of information from various sources:
ExN has targetted at least 3 different women whilst we were together:- and these are only the ones I know about for sure.
Target no1 ”“ a girl he had sex with at a party not long after we got together (2 months). Although I had long suspected this was the case”“ I didn’t ever actually know for sure until just around the time we were splitting up. He must have denied it like 100 times to me. Why oh why ”“ did I give him the benefit of the doubt at the time, or believe his desperate avowals of “you’re the one I want ”“ I’m sure now” instead of trusting my instincts and getting the good goddamn hell outta there?
Target no 2 ”“ someone I work with and still have to have regular contact with to this day. He slept with her on Boxing day, sneaking off just after dinner and pretending he was going for a quick visit to his male friends in town”“ meaning that I have especially lovely memories every holiday season! Didn’t use a condom…………
Target no 3 ”“ some poor woman who he slept with on the very same day that she was sectioned under the Mental Health act 1983”“ yes really! And he fully knew the CPN’s and doctors were coming round to assess her that day! Didn’t use a condom,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Target no 4 ”“ His current source of NS supply. A trusting woman from his workplace who he’d been confiding in about his horrible difficulties at home and in his relationship. Naturally she agrees the best way for him to deal with this is for them to start having sex with each other. She was so suckered in too ”“ she actually believed we were sharing a bedroom but not having sex. In my case sex was always relatively consistent, even towards the end. My exN is a somatic narcissist and use of sex is a major tool of his.
ExN told target no4 that I was ‘a nervous wreck’ and he couldn’t tell FM about their incredible and pure ‘one-true’ love ”“ because he was scared that I would kill myself. (Hoping more like!)
Target no 4 was deeply touched by his caring attitude towards this poor little weak/crazy/pathetic woman i.e FM. However ExN also told her that I was ‘his best friend’ and that he ‘always wanted to be my friend’. Thereby using her jealousy of me to make himself more attractive to her. Still didn’t use a condom with target no4 though…………..
At this time target no4 was in full honeymoon phase and was absolutely prepared to ‘fight for her dream man’ at this point. She thought that ‘I’ was the problem.
After this one phone call, the irony is that it was target no 4 who was the person I had the most time for in a wierd way.
ExN refused to come to the phone properly on that day to discuss issues of sexual health (no condoms used!), money owed etc etc. Instead”“ later on the same day he gets MIL to tell me that he’s not prepared to talk to me ever again, and that I need to stop ‘harassing him’. He’s in love with target no4 etc.
It’s impossible to describe clearly- the ecstatic pleasure MIL got from passing on this message to me. She tells me to ‘stop acting so desperate’ ”“ and I just need to ‘let go’ (can’t argue with her there!) I just told them that the new gruesome threesome ‘truly deserved one another’ ”“ or words to that effect anyways (possibly a little less polite!!!!).
Anyways – I kinda got lucky in some way. I was OUT OUT OUT and have had very little contact with any of them since:
I was lucky – target no 4 contact me after 6 months to tell me that she was dumping exN’ as he had cheated on her 2 more times and had stolen money from her. She apologised to me for ‘everything that had happened’ and thanked me for my words of warning about his character (though I didn’t really know about N’s properly at this time).
Turns out she’d been in a 5-year domestically violent relationship previously and was really starting to ‘clue up’. about these kinds of guys too. This is a pretty positive outcome – though I’m still cross with her from time to time I guess this apology was pretty cool of her.
Anyway – Sociopathic Tag Teaming. He clearly couldn’t break me on his own and needed reinforcements!
ExN still contacts me from time to time – fishing and seeing if he can reel me back in. There was a flurry of activity when he realised I’d started seeing a new boyfriend for example. Ha! He won’t get me again!!!!
Be warned everyone – don’t let it happen to you!! Watch out for the sociopaths friends and family – they can be ‘the straw that breaks the camels back’.
Delta1
Delta1,
Thank you for sharing your story! On the mouth? Ewww!
You are right, we most often have to stand up to not just the spath, but the family as well. In my case, I had to stand up to his family and mine as well. He had my family pretty well fooled. And in my case, that straw did indeed break the camel’s back. I’ve had to deal with Family Services being called on me, which went nowhere as they saw it for the vindictive move it really was. There’s far more, but that’s a whole book. You are lucky to be OUT, OUT, OUT as you say. No contact is by far the best. MIL from hell?
I have seen, in the past, my ex’s mother run around like a chicken with her head cut off, getting money and whatever he wanted to him. They use fear with their own family members as well sometimes. At least, that was the case with my ex. They use the EXACT tactic with family members that they do with us.
I’m really am glad Target#4 apologized. It was a noble thing to do and something she didn’t HAVE to do. I understand that you may not necessarily like her, but I give her kudos for the apology.
Hugs!
Cat
Dear Delta, Welcome to LF—your relationshit qualifies you for “membership” here! Sorry, but at least you have found the best place in the world to learn ab out them and about healing! Glad you are here. God bless.
Hi Cat,
Thanks for reading my story. I work in UK Children’s Services (Child Protection) and am glad that Family Services in your area/country appear to have been reasonably ‘on the ball’ in your particular situation. I hope you were well treated. Sometimes people tell me they feel very upset to have ‘us’ come to their home and victims having to explain themselves and worry about not being believed or fear the consequences of us being there. Other people say they’re relieved to tell their story – as long as they feel believed of course.
I’ve written elsewhere on the site about ‘doing what I do for a living’ and also ‘being a victim of an N-abuser’ and how I hope I’ll be better able to protect children from N’s S’s and P’s in the future.
You write “In my case, I had to stand up to his family and mine as well. He had my family pretty well fooled. And in my case, that straw did indeed break the camel’s back. ” Are you comfortable to share more about what happened? I guess I’m a little curious! But don’t write anything that you aren’t 100% ok to talk about. Also please don’t mind if my job is a ‘trigger’ for your particular story/circumstances – I’m kind of anticipating that some LF members may have strong feelings about any involvement of social workers/therapists etc with their own stories and situations, though people so far have been very kind and supportive to my posting here.
Are things any better with your family at all?
Also, I kind of ‘have to agree with you’ about target 4 apologising. I felt she did most likely mean it sincerely. Though both of us probably feel mixed up by the ‘weird intimacy’ from having loved and been abused by the same N. I wasn’t mean or anything when she apologised, I hope I was quite ‘mature’ about it and said ‘all the right things’ – even though I privately had v.mixed feelings – including anger and feelings of satisfied vengeance as I’ve admitted here.
Anyway – blessings to you!!
Delta 1
I have recently worked out that my partner is a sociopath who I have been with for 10 years and have known for 20 years. For the first half of the relationship when she still pretended to idealise me I thought it was strange she never went home to see her family and didn’t talk to them on the phone much and stranger still her Mum always forgot the actual date of her birthday. While my partner was destroying me over the last 4 years or so the family have come out of the woodwork and are now seemingly everywhere and I have been getting harassed by few of them, sister, cousin etc and I have also recently intuited that her Mother is also a sociopath and in on destroying me as well. They are all dry subtle and cunning about it. Clearly there are a few of them involved somehow even if only at this last stage. The family are aboriginal and are originally from a very small town in New South Wales. I have read a few things about sociopathic families helping each other and hereditary but what does anyone know about families playing a part in the harassment and destruction of the target as a group? They are an odd family who I discovered can make home made listening devices. My sociopath has brought strangers home a few times in the last couple of years and they seemed to be a part of it too, saying creepy things, It’s a presence they all have, their energy, the walking dead.
I am new to this site and am encouraged by how many people here have been able to regain their sense of self and rebuild their lives. I’m hoping that I will be able to do the same.
My spouse is a “mama’s boy.” However, he was not very close with her in the beginning of our relationship. Over the last couple years, his mother has become annoying involved in our marriage due to my spouse volunteering information & asking for her input instead of mine.
I’ve realized that his mother has been the main enabler of his narcissistic, sociopathic behavior his whole life. He’s verbally abusive, but she will explain his behavior away saying it’s just stress. He’s thrown me into a wall, and she scolded me for making him angry. My spouse is in his late 40s, has no retirement or savings, no long term established career, & terrible credit & financial history. I carry the benefits for the family & have supported him through 2 several month stints where he was unemployed. I work close to 50hrs a week, take care of 3 children, & come home to a man who is unloving, angry, & entitled. He has a history of infidelity but will never admit it. Nothing is ever his fault. He explains everything away. His mother bails him out whenever he runs out of money, & I am drained at this point. He grew up with a father who was a drunk & his mother tolerated it. She explains his dad’s behavior away saying that he was always a good provider. Truth is that she stayed because she was dependent on him for financial survival.
His brother warned me before I married my spouse that he was never content in relationships for long. Things always started great but he always found flaws in the woman and quickly cut ties and moved on to the next woman. Since he has never been financially secure on his own, he pursues women that are career minded and financially stable. His previous wife was similar to myself in that she was the financially stable one in the relationship. He left her for another woman & managed to get about $100K of her hard earned money in the divorce. I’m worried that I will suffer financial ruin if/when I try to leave him.
I previously reached out to his brother and mother for help with his angry temper tantrums and depressive down spirals. They are aware that his behavior isn’t quite normal, but they continue to make excuses for him.
isolated0118, so glad that you have found your way to Lovefraud & found the courage to post your story here. It’s one of the first steps in realizing that you are not only being emotionally, mentally, verbally, physical abused but also financially abused.
Sociopaths are Cult leaders of the world. It does not matter if they have one follower i.e. domestic abuse or one million followers…they are all the same. He has trained his mother to accept his behavior. You are now seeing the light and sound like you are trying to not only educate yourself but find a way out of this marriage.
My ex mother-in-law was the same. it was quite shocking in the beginning how much he was able to make his mother run around her home catering to his every need while we were there for dinner. I would tell her to let him get i.e. his own tea & make some for her. But he would then manipulate her to do it. I called her for help when her son (my then husband) was physically abusing me. She told me literally on the phone “I dont have time for this now, I’m going out to dinner”.
When her son did it again, I called her. Again got the same response. A week later I received a magazine clipping with the title “You dont have to like your spouse”…I remember just thinking to my self “What the HELL”. It was crazy at the time…but now looking back it’s even crazier that she sent this & that I stayed.
I hope that you will reach out to your country’s National Domestic abuse hotline to talk with a free counselor about “What is abuse”, “the Cycle of abuse” and also an “Exit plan” & “Safety plan” out of your abusive marriage.
The USA numbers is 800-799-SAFE.
Dont feel ashamed or embarrass to call. They too have been where you are (where I was too). Also ask them for your local abuse center number and GO FOR FREE COUNSELING. See also their website for more information. This was one of the best steps I ever took out of my marriage to a sociopath. Know that you are not alone anymore…keep reaching out for help;.
Reach out to you most trusted family & friends & share with them what is REALLY going on in your marriage!!! Remember the sociopath aka abuser wants to isolate you from them to have control over you. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER by reaching out to them without him knowing!!
If you can contact his ex wife (without her telling him) do so and ask her to tell you how he abused her. No doubt the stories will be similar to what you have been enduring. This will help you to see the truth that it is time to get out of this marriage with the help of your abuse center & a Safety Exit plan.
Look at sites like ONE MOMS BATTLE. COM & their Facebook page. If you choice to chat on their Facebook page I would recommend that you open a fake email then a fake Facebook page & set all privacy setting “me only” to prevent your husband, his family & friends from seeing what you are chatting about. Her books are excellent too if you have children. If you do not, the site is still a great site for asking question about divorce court.
I equate my marriage to my ex a sociopath as hell & the divorce process from him the bottom of hell. So be prepared before you hire a lawyer. Go to your big book store & look in the “divorce section” for books on financial divorce. Also hire a lawyer that understands domestic abuse. Some will say they do but they really dont. Look at One moms battle. com she has a list of lawyers that “get it”. You can also ask on their Facebook page to post a request for a lawyer in your area. Remember too the lawyers are after you money so you need to control what you want for your future. Since your ex has basically nothing you need to protect your assets so start asking question now on how to do that i.e. opening a will “Trust” with an estate lawyer may help you…not sure though.
Go to the court house and ask the court for the laws in your city/state for divorce.
Get your ex’s divorce settlement from his ex wife so you know how he is going to fight you. Do this on your own with out her help by going to the court house they divorced in.
You will get ZERO help from his family!! So just let go of that Idea. If you have no kids, when you divorce this sob you also divorce his family = to keep the no contact rule in place = piece of mind.
I’m sorry that you are going thru this hell. PLEASE reach out to your local abuse center & your trusted family & friends. DO ALL OF THIS WITHOUT YOUR EX KNOWING. Dont let on to the fact you are planning to leave him & divorce him. This is the tough part…even when he is abusive you DONT TELL HIM for your safety.
CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY SO HE DOES NOT SEE YOU ARE REACHING OUT FOR HELP!!
Look up these terms here on Lovefraud & also on the net:
Sociopath smear campaign (this is what he most likely is doing with your mother-in-law about you)
Sociopath No contact rule
Low contact rule (if you have kids)
Sociopath triangulation
Sociopath pity play
Once you file for divorce he will try EVERYTHING to get you back to destroy you! So follow the No contact rule one you have everything in place. If you plan to have the lawyers evict him from your home have a lock smith ready or friends who can help you immediately change the locks.
Look into a home security system once he leaves. You can have security company install one for a monthly fee or look at stores like Home Depot & Lowes (USA) for home security systems that are easily to install & use batteries.
YOU DESERVE MORE THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLIG FOR RIGHT NOW. SO start your exit & safety plan out. Remember the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is planning on leaving or has just left. So reach out to your local abuse center for help out.
Glad you had the courage to post here today. Keep posting…vent & ask questions. We have all done this and it is a LIFE SAVER to know you are not alone.
Wishing you all the best.
Take care.
PS. take care of your health. The stress you have been under might be PTSD. look into Adrenal fatigue as the root issue. Most victims of sociopath suffer from PSTD = adrenal fatigue.
Look at the symptoms on site like Adrenal fatigue.org & DrLam. com. See a Endocrinologist doctor if you have symptoms. Tell the doctor that you are in abusive marriage so he understands your stress level.