Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
Well there is that question that asks if you have two boats and one leaks and one doesn’t and only enough food for one, do you feed the people who will perish anyway because their boat is sinking or do you feed the people in the boat that will keep floating?
from a social point of view, its hard not to want to find a way to make things different. If they could be helped, the rest of us would be so much less at risk. We can’t take them out just for being what they are- even though the temptation to do so in individual cases is huge and we see that over and over again.
Millions of people. Thats a lot of people who are going to live hard and if the ones you and I know are example, at the expense of the rest of us because they live at our grace in hospitality centers… so to speak.
The concept of so many who will die so hard because the way it adds up is the amateurs will be involuntarily retired from their livelihood if they don’t make and keep a catch before they are too old. The others will make mistakes and be given hospitality.
So as society, what is the answer? There is not a clear one.
I think it is a tough problem. But not one that is specifically mine, any more….
Dear Silvermoon,
I have no problems with deciding who to “feed” in the life boat situation….the guy who CHOPS A HOLE IN HIS BOAT and then expects me to give him my boat AND my food is S.O.L. cause I will defend myself—I do not owe it to him to let him take my boat, my food and push me overboard!
I don’t think it is a tough problem at all.
OxDrover,
Your response to Outlier is so true. I have finally absorbed the fact that when a spath lies, he literally believes his lie(s) (in the moment), an example being, my h-spath (when he was still living in our home) would tell me that he’d paid the mortgage (but he hadn’t), being insulted when I doubted his words, wanting proof from him that he did what he claimed. I ended up taking care of the mortgage, realizing (a hard lesson for me) that he’s capable of putting us out on the street.
That’s the hardest thing, I think, Bluejay, for us to grasp is that they lie when there is NO WAY THEY CAN HIDE THE LIE. I mean it isn’t like it isn’t going to bite them either immediately or quickly on something like that—-yet they still lie and get defensive, really angry if you don’t believe them.
The FIRST sign of that type of lie was at age 11 with my P son when he was confronted with a theft he had done. TOTAL LIE and held on to that lie even with EVIDENCE in front of him, no way to deny it, but he DID. STILL DOES.
Yes, he would have lied and said he paid it as the sheriff set you, your kids and your stuff on the curb and been pithed when no one believed him! LOL It’s hard to grasp, for us, but not for them some how.
Dear OxDrover,
This web site is a godsend for so many people. It’s taken me a while to absorb truths about my h-spath, letting my brain process information at it’s own pace.
Thank you so much everyone.
Her serial bullying, gaslighting and mental abuse I could live with for 40 years. It was safely contained. Well hidden. So long as I kept my mouth shut I enjoyed the spectacular views on moral high ground. Then I broke silence (without mentioning abuse in any shape or form, all I did was announce “I’m cutting her out of my life” to my brothers). This broke the merry contained abuse and I posed a threat. She rolled up her sleeves and got to work.
So the abuse I was “okay” with (I knew she had a problem) becomes a totally new abuse I am not okay with. 40 years of her abuse AND x number of years enabling, isolation, slander from brothers, inlaws and possibly thei children. They aren’t ‘abusing’ me. They’re not responsible for their actions as my brothers don’t/didn’t hurt me. They’re playing the part as per the rules of the sociopath. Who will ever question a doctor and a consultant psychiatrist who is projecting her disorder word for word onto me? And who in their right mind will continue a relation with someone who is labelled a sociopath? The two abusers have watched fireworks explode ever since I broke a 40 year silence. Each time I exhibit a classic victim behaviour they polish their trophies. The psychiatrist asks my sister what’s going on with x, y, z. To which she hears back the destruction she caused. Sister keeps her uptodate with everything. Who’s fallen out with whom [polish], why I was absent when brother from abroad visited [polish], the sudden smoking (ptsd) habit I took up [polish], feedback from brothers [polish].
Amazing how I can say I was okay with the original abuse. That was way more contained.
Um, OxDrover, should I ask what a horse cutting contest is?
And geminigirl, I just noticed a post with your contact details. I passed on my contact detail to Ms Anderson to pass to you, you may have got that. No obligation at all, if I don’thear from you that’s absolutely fine. Nice though to learn you’re in Australia. I’ve been watching The Thornbirds – wondering now if Father de Brisicart (sp) was a sociopath. Please say no, as I’d never lookupon that love story the same way. I’d vouch Luke o’Neil (megan’s husband played by Bryan Brown) is.
outlier – a cutting horse works cattle. in the competitions the horse/rider will ‘cut’ (separate) a cow or calf from a herd and keep it separated. not an easy feat with a herd animal. on a farm or ranch you’d do this so that you could brand a cow, ship it, treat it medically, etc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlnZ5roGPF4
Outlier:
Regarding “The Thornbirds”:
No, Father de Bricassart was not a sociopath.
He truly loved Meggie, and she loved him.
That’s why the drama is so compelling!!!
Luke O’Neill…..that’s another story.
Mary Carson (Barbara Stanwyck) was also a little toxic….if I remember correctly. 😉
Outlier,
LOL A “cutting horse” contest is where horses compete (with rider but the horse must act independently of signals from the rider) to separate (cut) a calf from a herd of calves, and keep it from returning to the herd. Sort of like a sheep-dog separates sheep from the herd. It is really awesome to see the horse moving so quickly in response to the calf’snatural tendency to bolt back to his mates in the herd.
What country are you in? I think this is primarily western US, maybe Canada and Austrailia possibly.