Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
Family ties
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
flowerpower
This is an interesting article. In my case the entire family has the same mind as my ex in some form. At first, I assumed they would be upset with him but defend anything he did. Now I think they knew of his cheating all along and may have participated in hiding it.
All of them hiding behind their faith, church participation, status and smiles. No conscience, just fear that they may be found out.
Ox Drover
Dear flowerpower,
That is very common I think for the family of dysfunctional people (ps or not) to “circle the wagons” when an outsider starts to dis them. We have a saying here “He is an arsehole but he is OUR arsehole.” Many dysfunctional people have a family of enablers behind them, either that or they have a family of people with the same LACK OF MORAL COMPASS.
The hiding behind their “faith” and reputation, status and smiles, is all to common as well. Welcome to the world of the disordered! Ain’t it so much fun!? NOT! LOL
In many cases too, IF there is a person in the family who WOULD support YOU, that person would be punished with all the venom the rest of them could muster to protect their “status, reputation etc.” I’ve seen BOTH sides of that coin!
Buttons
{{{{Flowerpower}}}} What OxD has mentioned makes sense to me. I experienced the same thing on a different level – my own mother took the ex spath’s side that I had “lost my mind” by leaving the spath. His histrionics were so convincing that she even payed for his divorce attorney! She finally realized that she had made a terrible error in judgment, but the damage had been done via the attorney.
My feeling about this is that nobody likes to admit that they’re “wrong” in their judgment or that they miscalculated someone’s character. It’s much easier for people to assume the worst, especially if it might include their daughter/son/immediate family member. Then, there’s also the scenario that allows for family members to grind their proverbial axes on the injured party rather than to remain objective and seek the Truth.
I remember very clearly my mother telling me, “It’s better to stay with the devil you know than to take a risk and leave.” Was she KIDDING???!!!! The “devil” I knew was so abusive that I nearly committed suicide just to end the misery!!!
Yah…….OxD has it spot-on. Find support and encouragement elsewhere if family members have chosen to believe the deceptions.
bluejay
Buttons,
Your mother said, “It’s better to stay with the devil you know than to take a risk and leave.” I’m glad you took the risk and left. It is hard, though. What I am experiencing is the worst time of my life, being too hard for me at times. I envy people who have never endured the hell of being married to a spath and the aftermath of ending a marriage with one (still in the process). Mentally, it’s too hard. I feel alone, wanting so much to be in a better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. My h-spath has put me in a ditch and left me to wiggle my way out of it. Everyday is a struggle. You can bet 20/20 hindsight, I would never had married one of these creatures if I knew what a marriage would entail, unbelievable emotional pain. Take care.
hurtnomore010
I know exactly how that feels when dealing with my dad’s family. But I need somebody to look at this. My older sister claims I’m being prideful because I won’t ask my dad for anything. I don’t ask my dad because he lies to me or makes false promises. I’m just tired of being disappointed or heartbroken everytime. So I ask other people who I know will stand on their word. I ask my mother and God for help with things. My mom, she will try her best to get what I need one way or another. God is different. He knows what’s best for me. But I don’t see a point in asking my dad when he’s only going to continually let me down. Can someone else look at this?
Buttons
Thanks, Bluejay – it was the hardest thing I ever did to make that decision. What cinched it for me was seeing how our children were being affected, particularly the eldest son. When I told someone that I often wished that I would be struck by a train or shot dead in a random driveby, this person looked at me as if I had sprouted an eggplant out of my forehead. It was at that moment that I realized that my life was not a “life,” by any stretch of the imagination. I was breathing, eating, sleeping, and attempting to care for our children, but I was not alive and my children were dying emotionally, as well.
Hurtnomore, what anyone else thinks or feels about your decisions or choices NOT to approach the spath is their personal opinion, and that’s all it is. There IS no point in approaching a spath for ANY type of “help,” because their brand of “help” has so many strings attached that we end up hanging ourselves if we accept it. You don’t have to defend yourself or explain yourself to ANYONE!
Brightest blessings!
bluejay
Buttons,
When I started seeing my therapist (last summer), I remember telling him that I wish I had never been born because then I wouldn’t have ever had all the painful experiences that came from being married to the spath. Daily living was emotional agony (while we were still together) and I went on, enduring the trauma from the crap that he would pull. Personally, I question whether you fully get over the trauma. My life has been torn apart and I am in an adjustment and transitional phase (I suppose) of living, sorting out what to do next (eg. what kind of career should I pursue, etc.). Ugh! In relation to a past article when the writers brought up the idea of an island for spaths, I now know that I could send mine off to live there. Living apart from him is helpful, helping me to settle down, figure things out. I just feel like I move at a snail’s pace.
hurtnomore010
Buttons: That’s exactly how I feel. I realize what he does and I want to protect myself.
Bluejay: Mos things heal in time!
bluejay
hurtnomore010,
You have already learned that your dad is not someone that you can rely on, so you’re doing what is wise, meeting your needs by approaching people who are dependable, true to their word. I know what it’s like to be lied to and disappointed by a spath. What you figure out in time is that you have to depend on yourself and those people (in your life) who “show up,” who are available to consistently meet your needs. It sounds like you’re on the right track, having figured out who you can and cannot rely on. I hope this helps.
hurtnomore010
Bluejay: Very true! I’m only 18 years old just about to get out of high school. I only know a few things here and there. Its just sad that I’m learning things from people outside my family. My dad doesn’t help me for anything. At least until I get on my own two feet.