Sociopaths rarely go forward with their lives with reliable, sustainable momentum; at best, they may zig-zag for a while with the good (and bad) luck of a gambler; or go sidways for a while, “seeming” to hold it together.
But eventually, the sociopath tends to go backwards. He is much like the person on a high-speed treadmill who, no mattter how hard he or she walks or runs, finds himself, sooner or later, drifting off the end of the machine.
His disordered lack of empathy, detachment from others, detachment from an emotional connection to the world that keeps the rest of us on fairly solid ground, giving us at least a chance to hit solid ground, and hit it running—the sociopath is missing this connection, and thus makes no consistent, sturdy contact with solid ground; his traction, ultimately, is tenuous and illusory.
The sociopath may “look” like he’s making progress (especially if progress is defined as his profiting, in some fashion, from his disrespect or abuse of others’ trust and vulnerability); in the end, however, his progress will be as superficial and unreliable as he is—finally, certainly in the vast majority of cases, he just makes messes of his own and others’ lives.
For this reason I don’t regard sociopaths—even so-called really sharp, predatory sociopaths—as generally very “smart” individuals. Most of them, as I’ve written elsewhere, and stress here again, are just “mess makers.”
Many end up in jail, and those who don’t, when they aren’t sowing havoc, are usually courting disaster and, at some point or other, almost always finding it.
Even the smoothest, most effectively calculating sociopaths, even allowing for those who are never apprehended–even these sociopaths lack the capacities that make for a life worth counting: the capacity, for instance, to love; give from the heart; sacrifice for others; and be counted-on in “crunch time” (which is to say, during times of real personal inconvenience).
The sociopathic individual doesn’t genuinely relish these experiences, although he may, as we know, mimic them superficially (and sometimes convincingly); but he doesn’t derive the pleasure to be experienced from a genuine investment in them.
His view of the world is not unlike the immature child’s who, on halloween night, approaching a bowl of candy left on a stoop, where the code of integrity is implicit (take one or two candy bars), instead grabs a fistful of candy, stuffing his pillow case with it.
The child then feels a bit giddy over his caper, heedless that, in the process of enriching himself, he has selfishly deprived other children of candy and, at the same time, violated the homeowner who risked trusting in his basic sense of fairness and respect.
It’s possible that this child on halloween may make his “grab” in a more impulsive, less calculating, fashion; or, he may have plotted his “grab,” and then executed it from house to house, even before putting his “costume” on at home, prior to hitting the streets.
In either case, take his mentality and now watch it never evolve, even as the boy grows into a man, and there you have it—an adult who thinks, and acts, like a sociopath”¦that is, a sociopath.
The forms of corruption and violation his personality can later express are many, but the underlying mentality is the sociopath’s. And it dooms him, in the end, to a troubled, troubling and unfulfilled life.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
Yes, One Joy, It HAS been quite a year! And Im so grateful to you and all my lovely LF mates for being there for me, not judging me, not telling me I was Hypocritical when I told you off for using the “F ‘ word,{and then using it more than anyone myself, LOL!}
I think Im FINALLY getting it, and getting there!
THANK you, one, for understanding that this”outing” of Spath D and her lies,was something I HAD to do, and it actually helped me to sever that bond with her for good, hopefully. Now she knows Im ON TO HER!
I dont get to see the Gkids anyway, so what did I lose?
I dont have a lot of respect for SIL anyway.
It was like 30 plus years of misery ,and ONE knockout SLAM in the chops to her!,BOY!! Did it feel GOOD!!
Love,
Mama GemXX
Gem, ‘It was like 30 plus years of misery ,and ONE knockout SLAM in the chops to her!,BOY!! Did it feel GOOD!!’
I sooo get that!
YESSSS!!!! Hand upraised here in triumph!!
Spath D .–nil,
Mum.– 1.
GemXX
Our enemies stab us in the back, but our spath families stab us in the front!
What an honour and priviledge! NOT!!
GemXX
I think at one time or another we have all wanted to give them that “one slam in the chops” (or worse!) The thing that was frightening to ME about ME was when the crazy neighbor “Crazy Bob” sued me for the $50K for HIS suffering because the plane my husband was in crashed in his pasture and HE WAS SUFFERING MENTALLY and needed money to make him feel better—was I was sooooo rabid and wanted to hurt him SOOOOO badly…sort of like I would feel about a looter I would catch robbing my house after a storm —-and like I felt about our hired hand stealing my husband’s gold watch off his arm as he lay dying….those two things made me have HORRIBLE HATRED IN MY HEART….more than my own son trying to have me killed if that made any sense. The HATE I felt for those two people for what they did was eating ME ALIVE LIKE A CANCER.
I had to get it out of my heart or it was going to destroy ME, NOT THEM.
Okay, so that creepy neighbor wanted money and the hired hand stole the watch—like the proverbial guy who was so low he would “steal the nickles off a dead man’s eyes” as the old saying goes. But the thing is, I HAD TO DEAL WITH IT, GET THE BITTERNESS OUT OF MY HEART because I couldn’t allow THEM and what they did to destroy me.
There was a time I was so angry at my egg donor I actually hated her as well…but again, I can’t change her, all I can do is to change my reaction to what she is. It isn’t easy. My anger at all of these people was JUSTIFIED, they had injured me, they had betrayed me, they had done me wrong….but I couldn’t let it ruin my soul, I couldn’t let it make me become LIKE THEM, filled with greed, anger, wrath and hate.
Gem I understand you wanting to do what you did and it wasn’t like you put a bullet in her brain…you just told the truth and SHE had some consequences, which I am sure she blames YOU for not the lies that she told. Like me turning my P son to the police for the thefts. He blames ME for his consequences, not himself for being a THIEF. The girl he killed because she turned him in, he blames HER for him going back to prison, not that he was doing something illegal, or that he murdered her. He firmly believes she deserved to die for “ratting him out.” LOL
Your daughter firmly believes she should get paid for writing lies, and blames you I am sure for outing her, for telling the TRUTH of her lies. Too bad for her….but my advice for NOW for such it is, is to not let her lies, her dishonesty, her malice, cloud the rest of your life. She can’t hurt you any more if you won’t allow it. Just keep her out of your life. As for the SIL, he’s not much better than her in my opinion…irresponsible, selfish and not all that great a parent either….much the shame for the kids, it isn’t their fault. ((((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Oxy, I actually have NO HATE in my heart for her now, just a kinda mocking amused pity for the asshole she is.
All the same,Im GLAD I outed her lies.I HATE lies, and if her lips a re moving, shes lying. I actually think she believes her own lies.
From now on I will let the impartial law of Karma work out its inexorable future for her, and it aint gonna be good!
Thanks and {{{HUGS!}} GemXX
Dear Gem, You are right, Karma is a booger….and look at where she is NOW….no home, no real job of any kind, just a rented room, her looks are going (don’t they on most of us!) and so she a great deal of her charm is going out the window along with her ability TO charm others into her web…she is becoming an OLD SPIDER WITHOUT MUCH OF A WEB or the ability to make new ones.
She has no money to attract even superficial friends or victims and so she has ONLY a downward trend to look forward to.
My late husband’s sister was I think a psychopath, and no one in the family, not even her 3 daughters (all three various shades of nut jobs) saw her after she was thrown out of her father’s funeral by her mother on Christmas eve 1984 for trying to make herself the center of attention. LOL
I thought it was interesting that NO ONE in the family heard from her at all and she was usually popping up like the proverbial “bad penny” to cause trouble if nothing else…..well, lo and behold, 10 years almost to the day, my husband gets a person-to-person COLLECT phone call in the middle of the night. (It IS a mystery to how she got our number too as we had moved states etc) and he would NOT ACCEPT THE CHARGES AND HUNG UP. I would have accepted the charges just for the CURIOSITY of it all, and maybe THEN hung up, but he really didn’t care where she was or what she needed….he just hung up.
My guess is that she was in jail or just got out…..(at over age 65 at the time of the call) That was the LAST ANYONE EVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN….so after 1984 when she was tossed out of her dad’s funeral to the day she died that is the ONLY contact she tried to make with her family and she contacted the ONE person in the family who was the LEAST LIKELY to fall for her pity ploy (whatever it was). LOL
So your X-daughter, Gem, I predict will wind up about like my late husband’s sister—totally down and out. You don’t even have to “wish bad luck” on her, she will create her own bad “luck.”
I sooooo wanted my x-spath to be arrested. But I fought the anger and desire for revenge. It didn’t feel spiritual. It made me feel bad about myself. I just wanted the nirvana of indifference. This internal fight probably prolonged the resentment. It needed to be purged, not repressed or denied.
I didn’t do anything to bring him down, but eventually he was arrested at the State line for probation violation. He had gotton a DUI about 6 weeks after we split, spent three weeks in jail….missed Thanksgiving 🙂 He was given a suspended sentence and told to attend substace abuse program…lost his liscence, and would have to ride a bike 13 miles each way to treatment…..So, he moved across State lines, thinking he could out smart the law. Nope. They got him, and he spent 6 mos. in jail 🙂
I didn’t like it that I felt such joy about it, but I did feel joy. I had been through the same DUI thing while we were together, and being with him was absolute self-sabatoge. He would have the dope man on the door-step 10 minutes before I had to go to treatment. He stole my money to pay fines. He would party when I was supposed to be doing community service, causing me to duck out and stay and party, too.
It was hell.
So, while secretly wishing he would get arrested, I prayed a lot. I wanted God to remove my desire for revenge, and to take away my anger.
It just takes time. I think we need to accept our emotions, and work through them. But, we do need to keep an eye on the future. We want a happy destiny, and don’t want to get caught up in the negativity of anger and resentment. Think of the horror of a life lived feeling nothing but old anger and festering resentment!
You know what else? I have only just aknowledged that he may be responsible for a number of things that, while I was with him, never would have suspected.
He was the last one to see a friend on a dope mission, who was beaten so badly he has brain damage. The cops always suspected him, but had no evidence. They question me, since the friend had been at our house that night. I had worked all day, was tired, didn’t want company or any of the shiat that came along with it. Spath knew this, and let the guy in, anyway. He told him, though that we were going to bed early. I did go to bed. I tried to ignore them. I heard the guy leave, and sort of dozed off. It would not have been unusual for spath to go out the door after I fell asleep. Actually, pretty likely.
So the law asked me a bunch of questions, and I told them I was asleep. I didn’t know. Then they asked, “is it possible?” I said, “yes. It’s possible.” But then I added, “I really don’t think he’s capable of that.”
One of his room-ates had a 100. dollars stolen out of his wallet, during a get together. No one suspected the good ol’ boy, my spath. It got blamed on two other possible folks.
While staying with his parents, during one of our break-ups, someone used his mother’s bank card and took 150 dollars out of her account. His brother was also staying there, had an obvious drug problem, so it got blamed on him.
A neighborhood grocery store was robbed twice and the manager always suspected spath. “Oh no I said, He would never Do that.”
He ratted on our neighbor. I’m sure of it, now.
It’s funny how in denial we are, and that it takes distance and time to reach some kind of clarity about these guys.
His mother got the bank video’s of whoever it was that used her card. I never asked who it was. I assumed it was his brother. Either way, the culprit was forgiven and remained a much loved member of the family.