Sociopaths rarely go forward with their lives with reliable, sustainable momentum; at best, they may zig-zag for a while with the good (and bad) luck of a gambler; or go sidways for a while, “seeming” to hold it together.
But eventually, the sociopath tends to go backwards. He is much like the person on a high-speed treadmill who, no mattter how hard he or she walks or runs, finds himself, sooner or later, drifting off the end of the machine.
His disordered lack of empathy, detachment from others, detachment from an emotional connection to the world that keeps the rest of us on fairly solid ground, giving us at least a chance to hit solid ground, and hit it running—the sociopath is missing this connection, and thus makes no consistent, sturdy contact with solid ground; his traction, ultimately, is tenuous and illusory.
The sociopath may “look” like he’s making progress (especially if progress is defined as his profiting, in some fashion, from his disrespect or abuse of others’ trust and vulnerability); in the end, however, his progress will be as superficial and unreliable as he is—finally, certainly in the vast majority of cases, he just makes messes of his own and others’ lives.
For this reason I don’t regard sociopaths—even so-called really sharp, predatory sociopaths—as generally very “smart” individuals. Most of them, as I’ve written elsewhere, and stress here again, are just “mess makers.”
Many end up in jail, and those who don’t, when they aren’t sowing havoc, are usually courting disaster and, at some point or other, almost always finding it.
Even the smoothest, most effectively calculating sociopaths, even allowing for those who are never apprehended–even these sociopaths lack the capacities that make for a life worth counting: the capacity, for instance, to love; give from the heart; sacrifice for others; and be counted-on in “crunch time” (which is to say, during times of real personal inconvenience).
The sociopathic individual doesn’t genuinely relish these experiences, although he may, as we know, mimic them superficially (and sometimes convincingly); but he doesn’t derive the pleasure to be experienced from a genuine investment in them.
His view of the world is not unlike the immature child’s who, on halloween night, approaching a bowl of candy left on a stoop, where the code of integrity is implicit (take one or two candy bars), instead grabs a fistful of candy, stuffing his pillow case with it.
The child then feels a bit giddy over his caper, heedless that, in the process of enriching himself, he has selfishly deprived other children of candy and, at the same time, violated the homeowner who risked trusting in his basic sense of fairness and respect.
It’s possible that this child on halloween may make his “grab” in a more impulsive, less calculating, fashion; or, he may have plotted his “grab,” and then executed it from house to house, even before putting his “costume” on at home, prior to hitting the streets.
In either case, take his mentality and now watch it never evolve, even as the boy grows into a man, and there you have it—an adult who thinks, and acts, like a sociopath”¦that is, a sociopath.
The forms of corruption and violation his personality can later express are many, but the underlying mentality is the sociopath’s. And it dooms him, in the end, to a troubled, troubling and unfulfilled life.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
QUOTE KIM:
“It just takes time. I think we need to accept our emotions, and work through them. But, we do need to keep an eye on the future. We want a happy destiny, and don’t want to get caught up in the negativity of anger and resentment. Think of the horror of a life lived feeling nothing but old anger and festering resentment! ”
AMEN Kimmie!!!! Truer words have not been spoken. We would end up like them feeling nothing but old anger and festering resentment. I think that is mostly what my egg donor feels and my P son Patrick as well. That resentment that there is NO CONTROL….that I am living well….doing well….
Funny thing, I actually have not felt the need to WANT information about either of them (except when or if he will get parole) but don’t worry about either of them. “Are they well?” “did some other con stick a shank in his gut?” “Is he in solitary?”
I really don’t care except I want to be AWAY from either of them. I was actually okay with seeing son C when he came over that day a while back to pick up some of his stuff…don’t wish him ill, don’t worry about him, and wasn’t glad to see him or up tight and anxious either. Just more “ho hum” than anything. Just wanted to keep the “visit” as short and businesslike as possible.
Well, got to go check on the duckies and enjoy the sunshine today and check out the wild flower garden. You guys have a good day, I’m outside for the rest of it! HAPPY WEDNESDAY, HAPPY NO RAIN! HAPPY THEY FOUND THE BOY SCOUTS (who went camping in the rain in an area known to be a flood prone area—last year 20 people were washed away and killed in the same area! Their leaders should be hung!)
About 2 1/2 wks. ago I found this wonderful site. There is SO MUCH information and SO MANY stories of sadness and courage that I wish I had time to read them all.
I’m the mother of a 35 yr/old SP whose gregarious, fun-loving, life-of-the-party, manipulative charm has won him many friends who still think highly of him.
It has taken me all these years to figure it out, though I had my first suspicion 20 yrs ago when sociopathy was equated with rapists and murderers. Since he wasn’t a violent person I brushed that thought aside. I kept blaming ADHD since it ran in the family and hoped he’d eventually “grow up” as my other two younger sons did. This was not to be.
He lived across the country for 8 to 9 yrs. and I saw him only once a year just tolerating those short visits. It wasn’t until 1 1/2 yrs. ago when I bailed him out financially and let him come back here to live, get his life together and help me since I was becoming disabled, that I began to realize the enormity of his manipulative, selfish, cruel, lying, thieving persona.
I’ve learned from you wonderful people out there that NO CONTACT is the only solution, the only way to get myself well again and that there is no cure. I’m fortunate that I have two other sons who are loving, caring, kind and thoughtful. I can only imagine how miserable my life would be were he the only child because I’d be blaming myself for everything he’d ever done wrong and everyone he’d ever hurt.
A long time ago he told the son of a friend, ” I don’t ever have to worry about money, because when Mom dies I’ll be rich.” I’d inherited some money at that time. Well, an hour ago I returned from the lawyer’s office where I changed my will and made sure he wouldn’t get a penny from my estate should anything be left upon my death. I’m far from being rich now, but I do have enough to get by and one never knows when one might win the lottery. I can die in peace now
. I just hope his brothers will be wise enough to not take pity on his sorry a_ _. I will take it upon myself to educate them and others about sociopathy and the prevalence of these creatures who are not always violent, but are often seemingly kind, thoughtful and caring beings
Dear Ines,
Welcome to Love Fraud, I also am the mother of a psychopathic son, who fortunately right now is in prison for murder, but a couple of years ago he tried to have me murdered for an inheritence as well. He sent one of his x convict buddies to infiltrate our family like a Trojan horse.
I know the pain you have experienced in “losing” a son to this terrible condition, it is worse than losing one to death.
I am glad that you have had the strength and good fortune to see through his mask and to take action to cut him out of your life.
I also hope that you can educate (and really get them to believe) that their brother is the “monster” you know him to be. Fortunately my two other sons do know what my P son is and will along with me do our best to keep him from receiving parole and getting out of prison.
No they are NOT always violent but I never would have thought my son would be a murderer either, so “you never know” what they are capable of. I would not let your son know that you have cut him out if you can help it. Let it be a surprise to him when you are gone. I unfortunately let mine know I had cut him out and he tried to circumvent my estate planning. Long story, but if he could have had me killed before my mother died he would still have gotten SOME money.
Keep on reading and learning, it will help you heal. I try to separate my sweet little boy from the MAN who is trying to kill me. But the boy is gone, just as if he were dead, and I mourned him, but the man is a STRANGER that I don’t know or like.
God bless and comfort you.
INESMILLGEN,
Yes, they come across as “kind, thoughtful, and caring beings” (mine does), but that is far from the truth. Being around them is exhausting, waiting for the next bomb to drop (they’re usually up to no good). It took me many years to see my ex-spath for his true character – I don’t like what he is. Having these people in your life is a nightmare, causing unending anguish. If you can go NO CONTACT with your son, that would be helpful, but it is your decision. I feel compassion for anyone who has one of these people in their lives.
I wish that my mother-in-law could figure out that her son is a spath, but it’s not likely to happen because her children (I believe) shield her from fully knowing the truth about their brother. What bothers me is that they allowed me to marry into their family, never warning me about their sibling – I nearly had a few breakdowns, being an emotional wreck over the baloney that the ex-spath pulled. My eyes were opened to how people will let others walk into a lion’s den, turning their eyes away while an innocent person gets ravaged.
Not letting him know that he’s been cut out of the will is advice I hadn’t thought of, but it had crossed my mind that the possibility of having him harm me could be real. That is truly a frightening thought. If he knows he has nothing to gain from my death would that not make it less enticing to him to want to be rid of me ?
It’s true that “losing” a son this way is worse than death. There will never be closure. He will always be out there somewhere. I dread the thought of his finding someone to marry. How could I not warn that poor person ? Even if they wouldn’t believe me, they at least would have been warned.
I’ve never been the kind of mother who turns her eyes away from what their child may have perpetrated. I wanted them to learn from their stupidity. My youngest one did. I had him spend a night in jail after being caught drinking under age. When he didn’t learn from that I told him to not ever call me if he got into trouble again. When he didn’t learn from that I refused to let him come home from college for an entire year. That in combination with a summer semester spent in the wilds of Alaska with NOLS ( National Outdoor Leadership School ) finally woke him up and he returned a changed person. He finished college, grad school, just got sworn in as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Madagascar and is very protective of his mama. I couldn’t be more proud, but had a hard time convincing him of the evilness of his oldest brother whom he always adored and still loves. Of course all this is new to him. I told him just before he left for Madagascar so he’s not had time to digest this and had other things occupying his mind. As hard as this is on me, I think it’ll be harder on him. How can I tell his brothers not to have any contact with him ? I doubt that they’ll see him as the evil person he really is.
Dear Ines,
I wish I had all the answers for you….if you don’t tell him he won’t get anything when you die, he may want to bump you off for his money instead of waiting, or if you tell him he may be so angry he goes for revenge instead….so it is one of those difficult issues.
I told mine he wouldn’t get a dime from me, but there is a trust that if I die before my mother dies he would get something from, if I out live her, he gets NOTHING from me or the trust….so he tried to bump me off before she passed away.
In the meantime, she is funding him…and my other sons and I do not have any contact with her. I am her only child and my kids are her only grandkids, but she prefers to fund him (a convicted murderer) than to have a relationship with me or her other grandkids.
You can give some thought to how you leave any moneys to your other sons, make it contingent on them NOT giving him any funds…and then have to trust that they will obey your wishes. Or leave it all to a home for wayward cats or something. LOL
I’m not making light of your plight, I do understand. It took one of my sons almost being murdered by my P-son’s x convict friend for him to realize that his brother is a monster.
Your other sons will have to ultimately make their own decisions about their brother…you can tell them but they have to see it for themselves and they may not. Good luck and God Bless.
Ines,
I’m in awe of your strength and wisdom. Most people cannot see reality until there is a knife at there throat. Myself included. Most of us just put up and enable for decades, refusing to see evil because it is too upsetting, too frightening.
How was it you came to see the light? I’m very curious because it’s unusual, for a mother to be objective enough to be able to see her offspring as they really are. Even with guidance and education most people, including my own parents, would rather close their eyes than see the horror of what they gave birth to.
skylar,
I appreciate your comment to INESMILLGEN – “Most of us just put up and enable for decades, refusing to see evil because it is too upsetting, too frightening.” That is true – it took a long time to see “the light,” acknowledging to myself that the ex-spath is a liar, a thief, etc. (it was too horrible a reality). Denial works for so long, then it is time to wake up. It would be easy to do with one’s children, not wanting to believe the worst about them, so turn a blind eye.
To skylar and bluejay,
I learned pretty early on, as the single mother of 3 boys, that I needed to be in charge, that it was much easier to say yes rather than no, but a parent has to do the harder thing, not the easy one, that the more material things you give to a child the less they appreciate it, that I needed to be the parent not their friend, that it was their job to push the limits and mine was to set the limits.
I wasn’t a very good mom, but I was good enough; two turned out great; both went to college with one married and graduating with two degrees, the other went to grad school and just got sworn in as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Madagascar.
The other one had me troubled from the start. At about 5 or 6
I began to suspect abnormalities. Finally at 15 he exhibited signs of no remorse, no sense of right or wrong, no guilt when caught doing wrong, blaming others for his mistakes, no sense of responsibility towards work, school or home chores. I remembered learning about sociopaths during my rotation in psych nursing and took out my old textbook. Unfortunately the information I gleaned was mostly concerned with murderers, rapists and other violent criminals. He never showed anger, hostility cruelty or violence, so I put that on the back burner where it simmered for another 20 years.
When he moved away, finally, I was relieved and focused on the other two.
He re-entered my life 1 1/2 yrs ago and after doing all I could to help him get back on his feet, I realized it was a lost cause and revisited sociopaths a few months ago and found many characteristics applied to him.
I’m wondering now if I need to read more about narcicistic personalities because he has such grandiose opinions of himself and projects himself as being knowledgeable about any topic from art to xylophones. He still has no remorse or guilt for anything done wrong and feels entitled to take whatever he wants.
Anyway, I just had a “gut feeling” about him and learned that the gut is rarely wrong.
So he’s out of my life forever now. I may have to see him at family functions, but will always try to avoid him.
Dear Ines,
Psychopaths are also VERY NARCISSISTIC. Not all people who are somewhat Narcissistic are also psychopaths, but all psychopaths are Narcissistic to one extent or another….my psychopathic son is so Narcissistic it is unreal. He’s been in prison for 20+ years and still considers himself a SUCCESS in life. DUH!???? Yep. A success.
Okay, he is smarter than the average convict. And he is smarter than the average guard….but that does NOT make him a success in anyone’s eyes but his own. LOL
Learning about psychopaths will help you understand about your son, but you also need to focus on your own healing and letting go of the “son” who is just as dead and gone as if he was physically dead. That baby you gave birth to and loved is GONE….and the MAN who “got his organs” is NOT YOUR FRIEND….he is a stranger who just sees you as a cash cow.
There is probably NOTHING you could have done different to have changed what happened to him….what CHOICES HE MADE. The genetic part may tend to point them in “that direction” but they have choices….just like an alcoholic has a choice to drink or not, they have a choice to abuse or not. They just do not give a rip!
Glad you are here Ines, there are lots of mothers here who have sons just like ours so we are NOT alone. God bless.