Sociopaths rarely go forward with their lives with reliable, sustainable momentum; at best, they may zig-zag for a while with the good (and bad) luck of a gambler; or go sidways for a while, “seeming” to hold it together.
But eventually, the sociopath tends to go backwards. He is much like the person on a high-speed treadmill who, no mattter how hard he or she walks or runs, finds himself, sooner or later, drifting off the end of the machine.
His disordered lack of empathy, detachment from others, detachment from an emotional connection to the world that keeps the rest of us on fairly solid ground, giving us at least a chance to hit solid ground, and hit it running—the sociopath is missing this connection, and thus makes no consistent, sturdy contact with solid ground; his traction, ultimately, is tenuous and illusory.
The sociopath may “look” like he’s making progress (especially if progress is defined as his profiting, in some fashion, from his disrespect or abuse of others’ trust and vulnerability); in the end, however, his progress will be as superficial and unreliable as he is—finally, certainly in the vast majority of cases, he just makes messes of his own and others’ lives.
For this reason I don’t regard sociopaths—even so-called really sharp, predatory sociopaths—as generally very “smart” individuals. Most of them, as I’ve written elsewhere, and stress here again, are just “mess makers.”
Many end up in jail, and those who don’t, when they aren’t sowing havoc, are usually courting disaster and, at some point or other, almost always finding it.
Even the smoothest, most effectively calculating sociopaths, even allowing for those who are never apprehended–even these sociopaths lack the capacities that make for a life worth counting: the capacity, for instance, to love; give from the heart; sacrifice for others; and be counted-on in “crunch time” (which is to say, during times of real personal inconvenience).
The sociopathic individual doesn’t genuinely relish these experiences, although he may, as we know, mimic them superficially (and sometimes convincingly); but he doesn’t derive the pleasure to be experienced from a genuine investment in them.
His view of the world is not unlike the immature child’s who, on halloween night, approaching a bowl of candy left on a stoop, where the code of integrity is implicit (take one or two candy bars), instead grabs a fistful of candy, stuffing his pillow case with it.
The child then feels a bit giddy over his caper, heedless that, in the process of enriching himself, he has selfishly deprived other children of candy and, at the same time, violated the homeowner who risked trusting in his basic sense of fairness and respect.
It’s possible that this child on halloween may make his “grab” in a more impulsive, less calculating, fashion; or, he may have plotted his “grab,” and then executed it from house to house, even before putting his “costume” on at home, prior to hitting the streets.
In either case, take his mentality and now watch it never evolve, even as the boy grows into a man, and there you have it—an adult who thinks, and acts, like a sociopath”¦that is, a sociopath.
The forms of corruption and violation his personality can later express are many, but the underlying mentality is the sociopath’s. And it dooms him, in the end, to a troubled, troubling and unfulfilled life.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
I am sorry to hear so much pain in everybody’s post here. When I went to see a counselor and told her my story, she asked me, why am I there to see her, I said before I met spath, I was very happy and joyful person, and now I have no joy left in my life and heart. I want to learn how to feel joy from smalle pleasure of life, something I knew naturally, but now I need to learn.
She said you need to take care of yourself, my question came out “HOW”, I alwasy took are of others, I don’t even know how to do that……
On her suggetion I read the book, which everybody on this post need to read, it is “Codependent No More”, becuase it shows us why I become the target, and how I contributed in the situation, where I am today. Why I didn’t leave early, why do I still miss the drama created by him…
I needed to read to see, how can I draw boundary in the future around me, so nobody doesn’t take advantage of me.
Knowledge is power, which will heal us. This site will heal us.
Only one good thing happend, that I didn’t have any child with him, so it was easy for me to get away from him. He is a obssesive person, and I see how keeps his doughter captive in a very short leash. It is not healthy for any kid to be aorund him.
My children told me once we were separated, that they feel sorry for his doughter, I was surprised, they said she has to live with those two lunatics, at lease we have more normal life.
Even young children are perseptive.
Dear Yes!!!! TOWANDA!!!! glad you are doing better! Good to see you back.
My heart, yes,, children can be very perceptive! You are very fortunate that you did not have a child with him, and that you can get away from him totally! Keep on healing and learning to take care of yourself. I think many of us (not just you) are enablers, and care givers of others and neglect ourselves as a way to show love to others, hoping against hope that they will return that love and caring…but of course the Psychopaths don’t. So we try harder.
Now it is time to learn to give self care and self love and have compassion on ourselves. Good for you!!!!
Dear Onebeliever,
Oh yea, the mimicing. It’s so weird. My soon to be ex spath moved out the end of January and at his new place he copied so much of how I decorated my house. The plant in the same place behind the sink, same coffee maker, same candlesticks on the fireplace, same things in the kitchen but a different color.
He did do some new things but copied most of my decorating. I could also lose him in a crowd. I could never find him, he would wander off a lot, then would show up and find me and I’m wondering where the heck he came from. Chameleon.
He would also be unorganized when it came to mail and bills. I did all the bills because he would get frustrated with them and throw them on the floor. Huh? He could find something when he needed it but he had piles of stuff as well.
Just some interesting similarities. For the life of me, I can’t quantify it or put it into a box. I have read so many books and still can’t figure it out. Oxy said he is probably high in sociopathic traits and that is enough for me.
Hello everyone!
I LOVE this writing. It caught my eye immediately upon coming on the site today and feel the need -AS ALWAYS-to comment…
“Sociopaths rarely go forward with their lives with reliable, sustainable momentum; at best, they may zig-zag for a while with the good (and bad) luck of a gambler; or go sidways for a while, “seeming” to hold it together.
But eventually, the sociopath tends to go backwards. He is much like the person on a high-speed treadmill who, no mattter how hard he or she walks or runs, finds himself, sooner or later, drifting off the end of the machine.”
PERFECT! Let me think…for the 4.5 years Ive known my ex, the progress he’s made in his life as far as ‘moving forward’ in ANY area was when he recently moved in with me…for a whopping 2 months! This is pathetic, in my opinion, as at 37 he hadnt been ‘on his own’ since WELL before 30! On his own though means ‘mooching off someone else’ because hes NEVER lived ‘on his own’.
I never realized how LITTLE movement he has made in the forward direction, partially because MY movement WITH him in the forward direction was stagnant. You see, I have been on my own for ever, got my own house, pay my own bills, etc and was never really focused on THAT aspect of life…I was busy with ME…earning my Masters, working, getting my Type 73, etc. When these challenges were accomplished, I was then READY for the next chapter…the MOVING FORWARD WITH A PARTNER chapter.
After reading this article in particular, Ive realized that since Ive known him, he’s accomplished N.O.T.H.I.N.G. And I mean NOTHING!!! He has managed to work at the same job for 2.5 years-THATS an accomplishment, uh, right ? 😛
You see…HE didnt even find his biological mother for HIMSELF!!! I managed to do that! I have a sense though, for some reason, that their ‘relationship’ is either or will be getting ‘old’ in the sense that the novelty of it is wearing off. I dont know WHY I feel this, however, its something Ive felt for a couple weeks. I do believe HIS focus is REALLY on his moms sister…his aunt. And this just dawned on me recently.
His aunt lives in a HUGE house on 70 acres of land with horses, four wheelers and nature. SHE’S got something HE could benefit from…where his bilogical mother lives in a trailer with her two cats and 19 year old son who has social anxiety.
I feel a bit ‘guilty’ for even thinking these thoughts…sorta 🙂 except I KNOW how he works. Right now hes putting out his feelers. Biological mother was ‘enough’ for the inital year and still supplies SOMETHING to him, but its not genuine. AUNT is who hes after now…he’s not had his ‘way’ with her yet, although he’s been PLOTTING to take her plow truck (YES…he’s been PLANNING how to ‘get’ her to give it to him), and I sense that once that plan is in motion and successful she too will be useless. By that time, he may have another ‘love’ to seduce…and so the story goes!
I had a HORRIBLE time blaming myself. I looked and looked and looked for examples that would SUPPORT his ‘opinion’ of ME as being ‘flawed’, ‘difficult’, ‘a pain in the ass’, ‘an idiot’. I mean, HE said it…according to him, EVERYONE SEES IT…EVEN MY OWN MOTHER!
Well, today I SEE IT! After not being able to ‘find’ this piece of me he tried sooooooo despirately to make me believe was ‘flawed’ and ‘defective’ you know what I realized?
HE was wrong!!! I searched and searched and asked person after person after person to VALIDATE his opinion of MY flaw that I couldnt see, that EVERYONE else could see…and guess what I came up with!
HE…IS…WRONG! I have taken responsibility for MANY ‘flaws’ I have, Ive acknowledged these flaws to the people Ive hurt BECAUSE of them. WHY IN THE HELL WOULDNT I ACKNOWLEDGE ANOTHER FLAW IF IT WAS REALLY THERE!!! 🙂
OH EUREKA!!! I AM flawed…yesssss, yessssss, yessssss! But, HE’S ALSO CRAZY!!! Yessssss, yessssss, yessssss 🙂
YAE ME 🙂
robx,
Isn’t it Great Fun to realize that IT’S NOT ME! That “what you told me I was was just one more of your lies! And what I am is a flawed but loving, sane human being….& you’re not!”:-)
Oh…one more thing…
Today I got ANOTHER bill in the mail from Comcast…ahhh ha ha ha ha ha…
This bill is the balance that “I” owe for the month HE didnt live with me, hadnt shut the service off, and I was USING but not paying for…
He REALLY DID only pay the half of the 200 dollar bill that he felt HE was ‘responsible’ for…you know the part of the bill he DIDNT pay for WHEN HE WAS LIVING HERE!…
He left the bill for the month he left for me to pay…:) WHAT A FOOL!
The account is STILL in his name, the bill is STILL his, and he STILL seems to think IM going to pay for it…
Does this qualify as ‘stupid ass’ status?
Dear R-babe,
I suggest that when the next bill comes you do not open it and write “not at this address” on the envelope and send it back to the post office….let them track him down.
There is NO way they can make you pay, it is HIS BILL…
Oxy ~ Here’s an update. DNA donor female called this afternoon… She wanted to know if it was snowing where I am LOL. We chatted about the weather for about 5 minutes. I then cut her off, saying that R was buzzing in on the other line, had to go. I know perfectly well that she was looking for info on the trouble she tried to stir up. She is gonna get NOTHING from me on it.
The issue with my stepson will be decided soon, I think. If we won the dang lottery, it would be over quickly. We would have full custody of him and cut his spath mother out of the picture entirely.
OK, now that I’m done with my little fantasy trip… Reality is, neither R or I has had contact with Spath for about a month. R has had one necessary conversation with it, but that’s all. Other communication has been with stepson only. He is performing in a play this weekend. I am thinking about staying home, rather than expose myself to Spath. I would like to see the play, but I do NOT want anything to do with IT.
robxsykobabe~
Wahooooooo……..you got a free month of cable on a s path’s dime….waaaayyyy to go! lol
(((((((( Babe ))))))))))))))))))
You spitfire, you 🙂 Everytime you blog and I see your name in lights, I know it’s gotta be full of piss and vinegar and good. LOL!
You’re so funny with all of your energy. Wish I had half as much.
Look, chica…..why STILL ruminating over the bastard?
Of course you’re worth more. OF COURSE you’re not a loser, OF COURSE, chica……..
SO why give this asshole another half a minute of your time (Obviously, you’re using up more than that now, when with all that energy, you could use it for the gym and be in better shape!),
Babe.
For pete’s sake. Do what Ox said to do next time a bill comes. he’s doing this shit to piss you off.
Why let it?
DO you WANT cable where you live? Well, go to comcast, chica, I’ve had good standing and great customer service with them.
Explain the situation. If you want cable, simply start another account, explaining why.
I don’t even think you have to do that at this point.
But if you do, just do it.
Allowing this to go on, is a way of keeping plugged in with bastard, thus pissing you off.
This is really a simple fix.
If you want to be rid of him permanently without this crap getting to you, just change the situation. It’s easy.
It’s just a bill. ANd it’s just service. And he’s, well……just a loser, not worth the sweat on your energetic brow, chica.
LL