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Sociopaths keep the charade going for awhile

I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.

Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:

I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.

The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?

Expressions of love

I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.

We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”

A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.

How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.

Complete change

The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”

Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.

A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:

Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.

From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible

It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in!  All he wanted was MONEY!

In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.

Doesn’t exist

So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”

The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.


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educated prof,
they kill the ones they know they can get away with killing.
If you are an educated professional, it’s more likely they will try to ruin you and drive you to suicide or poison you or tamper with your brakes. If you happen to be a homeless person, you throat gets cut and the cops won’t even try to figure out what happened. They are calculating mofo’s.

educated professional: thanks for your wishes of safety. I THINK I am alright. I was NC for almost a whole year when suddenly, it entered my world again for a few months. I have been completely NC permanently now, for almost 3 months. This is like the sixth time. Sixth time has been a charm, I think. It took having half the police force here, one time…after him leaving a very colorful death threat on my answering machine. (Real intelligent; hm?) One of several. Mostly because I spurned his attentions and affections. This creep has been obsessed with me for ten years now.

Of course, all that went to the prosecutor’s office but being he is transient, difficult to serve…that’s alright, I am protected anyways. “IT” knows this now. I don’t think there will be anymore LIVE & IN PERSON INTRUSIONS. Not if “IT” knows what is good for it. The authorities don’t take too well to death threats, around here. Especially when they have happened over and over again. As is the case with me and “IT”. I will happily be “ITS” third strike, if I am allowed. “IT” has been completely advised to cease all further communications but cyber and telephonic stalking still continues on an intermittent basis, despite the warnings.

I am as safe as I CAN be from a psychopathic stalker, educated professional….who knows what kind of thoughts or evil lurks in their minds?

For two years, I was taunted, non stop with threats of murder….like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, for sure. I still look over my shoulder and I don’t think that ever goes away but thanks to my back up, I sleep a lot better at night now and I am no longer ‘afraid’ of “IT”….I will NEVER be ‘afraid’ of “IT” ever again, as long as I live, even if I end up losing my life, in the long run, because “IT” is not taking what life I have left away from me.

THAT is strength and determination.
I am not the kind of person to purposely do things to harm others, in retaliation, but I AM the kind of person who WILL take care of myself and fully and completely intend to.

The stalking has stopped for a couple weeks now.
The last two weeks have been the quietest in the past ten years, of my life. How’s that for a horror story? Hm? And that is the watered down version…

skylar: they do kill the ones they know they can get away with killing. they so hate being ‘outted’. My ppath just could never get a handle on me because I was too strong for “IT” and too ‘aware’…they will run if you are not the ‘easy mark’ they thought you were. They are ‘pussy’s’ when it comes right down to it. Their strong and evil persona is there to bolster their own ego. Acting like that is the only time they feel ‘in charge’ and ‘GOD LIKE’…when they have someone who doesn’t go along with their program, BE AWARE; be very aware.

Priceless??? ====> seeing the look on ppaths face as “IT” was surrounded by 16 law enforcement officers, being told to ‘get out of town and don’t come back’…3 days prior, “IT” told me “IT” was coming to town to murder me and there was nothing that was going to stop him….imagine that. Must have been another one of those ppath delusions…

“Calculating” is putting it mildly, my Dear…

EducatedProfessional, in reading the stories on this site as told by the survivors, stalking and threats of murder (veiled or direct) are not uncommon. There are many other people who might have found this site and saved themselves, but for the fact that the spaths in their lives actually DID “get away with murder.”

Real Life is not as portrayed in shows like CSI or Law & Order where perpetrators are arrested and charged, tried, and cases closed. It is a rare event when “justice’ is actually served in cases of murder by spaths.

In my own situation, I have no doubt in my mind that the exspath intended for me to die in the not-too-distant future. Once he was unmasked, he knew that he needed to work quickly to either see me institutionalized, or met with a tragic fatal illness or accident. No, he never made any verbal threats of any kind, but given the extent of his betrayals and frauds, people have murdered for far less.

Stalking is far more common than murder, but “deadly” enough in its own way – it murders a victim’s soul. The collateral damages from stalking include PSTD, hyper-vigilance, insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, nightmares/night terrors, hallucinations, and a host of other lifelong issues that are generally unmanageable without strong counseling and/or medication therapy.

Having been the victim of stalking, I can say that Law Enforcement is typically disinterested in these types of complaints. It is difficult to generate a case unless the victim does most of the legwork, i.e.: pays for *59 call records; researches electronic communications; retains physical evidence (animal bodies, semen-covered clothing articles, etc.), and keeps a diligent “journal log.”

Often, victims of stalking are re-victimized by Law Enforcement, friends, and family. “What did you do to him/her to make them mad?” is a common response by friends, family, and Law Enforcement. “How do you KNOW it’s this person that you’ve named?” is VERY common. Victims of stalking are systematically driven insane because of the extraordinary level of stress. Stalking, IMHO, should be included in crimes of terrorism because the effects of stalking are precisely identical to the social ramifications of living in a constant state of terrorism.

Yeah……spaths are NEVER to be underestimated, even if they’re stupid spaths!

Brightest blessings

Wow. Mine went away easily (after pleading for me to forgive and he would come clean on everything) – when I refused, he found another target right away. I’m thrilled they’re together as he puts all his energy into creating this fabricated image of himself to her – similar to what he did with me in that he’s wealthy, multiple diplomas (phd, post doc, presidential scholarship but really only has BA), runs successful consulting business on the side, etc.

The thing is that it’s not sustainable: he will rent holiday properties and claim they are his, rent expensive cars at these places he claims to own, take out loans to buy expensive jewelry and gifts and dinners, plagarize others work as “proof” of attainments and to keep up the image. And of course claim all sorts of things on LinkedIn like 9 patents and all these false achievements. The vacations are few and far between so easier to fake owning things. He will even offer these non-existent properties to friends and acquaintences in social situations though can never follow through on it. Eventually the debt collectors start calling, he’s outed by people re experience, and credit cards balances just go up. He’s only one step removed from it falling apart. He’s already changed his identy (and i found evidence of him applying for credit before under new identity). But these identities’ bills add up eventually too. He’s got an autistic child (apparently, because with me he claimed he didn’t have kids) who is fully supported by the state of California and living in a group home due to the spectrum of illness apparently (he qualifies as he’s hiding his consultancy income through a business that’s been files as owned by one of his fake identies but he’s listed as consultant on it- and was fired from high tech company hence no insurance). These things are small scale and fly under the radar. He’s one paycheck away from paying the minimums on the debt for things he buys, rents, experiences. He also gets income selling professional stock images as his own through Redbubble claiming they are his travel photography. But when you’re with him you see he has no artistic creativity for his photos (but he will download a few examples from online and puts them in his Facebook albums to continue the impression). It’s all far too much energy if you ask me, but it keeps the image up. Only someone without a conscience could live under the pressure of that mask slipping off any min and living to cover it up.

Think the target is desperate enough for that (*image of that*) man and convinced enough that she wil save him when it does (and has the means to do so). She was warned and asked about all sorts of flags she saw and was alarmed. But we all know the love bombing and she’s been convinced of some story, which is great for me as I don’t need to deal with his energy coming to me. The one thing he does especially that works for her is inflate her ego. I know people close to her and she’s apparently an extreme self-promoter at work and thinks a little too high of herself for other people’s taste (throwing people under for her own advancement with little regard). His false and shallow flattery always botherd me but I can see how it would work in that scenario. Also, she can focus on her career while he attends to her family and attends to boosting her self-esteem and “supports” her. She doesnt want to see the truth. She likes the calculated image he created. Given the above examples you all listed, I’m thrilled he’s with her and has all that to focus on.

The only example of harm I had was a major accident on scooter in Santorini on our very first day: I’m left with scars and had a great deal of pain, but it could have been fatal. I was thrown from the bike and a car halted a few feet behind my head. He had once claimed to own a motorcycle at his home in London (both fake) so I had extended the security in thinking he would know how to operate a scooter. He was impulsive and drove fast and we crashed. I noticed this “need for speed” when we drove in England in what turned out to be a rented Astin Martin (claimed he owned) and I felt fear then too. Otherwise, nothing obviously threatening afterwards. Again, thanking her for staying so I can live in peace. I’m in another state so that certainly helps.

Back_from_the_edge, sounds absolutely horrible. I hope you are safe. Have you looked at using email block and delete, cell/mobile blocking, and moving residences?

educated professional: I have done it all but moving. I may be doing THAT in the near future as well but NOT because of “IT”. I have “IT” contained for the moment, or I should say….. There is a certain “THING” that has meat hooks in it’s back and keeping it entertained (for the moment). I absolutely LOVE IT but yes…. It HAS been horrid. I never used to be able to understand the kind of control Charles Manson had over his followers, until this experience entered my life. NOW I completely understand.

I hope I am safe too. I am fortunate I have the whole entire police force behind me. What Angels they are!

I bother nobody yet everyone seems to barge into MY spot and zone; know what I mean? That’s alright, I don’t let it upset me anymore, like it used to. Like during the time the threats were flying around…FOUR different threats on my life all because I DIDNT WANT IT. I CAUGHT ONTO IT and I EXPOSED IT. NO THANK YOU!

Thanks for your concern and caring, educatedprofessional, I am sure I am going to be alright…it’s not everyone that has the back up like I do. But with psycho’s, you just never really can be sure; can you? “IT” would do very well to just remember the reception it received the last time it was here, at my door. Hm?

After a couple of weeks of being ‘stalking free’, I just received an email this morning saying: “Please please please talk to me. I can’t eat, sleep or do anything, I am so obsessed with you…”

I have “IT” blocked but “IT” uses ‘alternate ID’s” to get messages through to me now. Just blocking alone doesn’t work. That’s alright…there is NEVER any response from me and there never will be, ever again. I am finished with this garbage and ready to defend myself. Period.

Happy day to you ~ Dupey

Dupey, EGADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It got around the block, AGAIN! Time to change your email address, kiddo!

Because of the State position that the exspath has, I changed EVERYthing, including email and FB accounts. I wrote down everyone’s email address that was important to me, and sent them ALL a BCC email to notify them of my new email address – just, not why. A few were aware, but most of them didn’t need to know.

Definitely stay safe, Dupey. You’re precious in this vast Universe!

Truthspeak: EGADS! Is right. It has been like catching a bad case of herpes: never quite goes away; know what I mean? The only resentment it COULD possibly have is that I caught onto it. I refused ‘the dream life’ that was nothing but bullshit lies. All of it. When I didn’t buy into it anymore is when it started thinking of how to get rid of me, but unknown to it, I have MASSIVE amounts of evidence and proof that could ‘get rid of IT’, for a long, long time. And, I am not fooling around anymore.

The cyber intrusions are laughable to me anymore.
It is the ONLY avenue it has, unless it gets a ‘minion’ to call me on the phone. It doesn’t matter, anymore, how many times you change your phone number because you can buy it online for $10.00…everytime a call comes through that I don’t want, it gets blocked anyways. That is the easy part. This cyber crap is child’s play to me.

I think I will be okay; thanks for your safety wishes, Truthspeak. This has been such a horrid experience. One I am choosing to never re-live with anyone, ever again.

I may, sometime, in the near future, change my email address, although I have had the one I have forever. And, when I move from ‘our apartment’, it isn’t going to be because of him but IN SPITE of him. It really has nothing to do with “IT”, at all. I feel perfectly safe here, where I am, (almost), but like you said: ‘never underestimate a ppath’. Right?

It tries contacting me through the cyber world because that is the only avenue left. It tries to ‘inflict’ or ‘interject’ itself into my thoughts. Pfffft! The only thoughts it is getting from me now, is how much I would LOVE to see it behind bars…

YOU are precious to the Universe, too, Truthspeak…
I read you and I see the goodness you are. Don’t forget who you are and your value and worth; hear me?

(((Truthspeak)))

Dupey

Please be safe. Considering moving. When you do be sure and have ALL mail forwarded to a PO Box. Everything. You would be surprised how easy it is to find your new address otherwise. Thats literally living a nightmare – your situation. Beyond safety, wish you peace.

educatedprofessional: Thanks again for your wishes of safety. I have been considering moving for a while now and I think it is going to happen very soon. It’s not because of “IT”, though. It’s for MY OWN REASONS. I refuse, flat out, absolutely, REFUSE to let “IT” influence my life and/or decisions, in any way whatsoever anymore.

Oh yes, mail will be forwarded, definitely.
Yes, I have been living this nightmare for the past five years now. It used to be a nightmare but it isn’t anymore. This blog has helped me unwind the real truths of all of this. I would still be stuck in that dark hole if it hadn’t of been for me seeing Donna’s story. OMG: I could so relate!

The peace is the hardest part. The safety part is easy. I have lots of Angels around me. It’s the ‘mind control’ part of all of this that has been the most difficult. I was at a loss for explanation why someone who was suppose to be my friend could end up doing all these things to me. It took a long time for me to realize that it’s okay to give up on someone. It’s okay. It isn’t necessary for me to give up my life to see someone else succeed in theirs.

You know, when I first met “IT”, just by being in the same room with “IT”, I could ‘tell’ something was very seriously wrong. Although very charming and polite, there was something just not right…so, I never really fell into the lovebombing because I would not allow it to just move right in and take over my life. I have known it for ten years and well, you hear a lot and see a lot over the length of a ‘friendship’ that is that long.

All the lies and web spinning and deceptions. There was never any need for it. I brushed his attentions off for quite a few years and when I finally gave “IT” my attentions, wow, that’s when the wickedness began. For five of those ten years we knew one another, “IT” was married! Imagine that. LBO. Which is equally as rotten as flat out lying, in my book.

After I found that out, the rest just kind of unfolded before my eyes. NOW I know all the real truths. How could I have ever loved someone so vile? You know how? Because I was bamboozled and gaslighted and lovebombed. That’s why. They are very skillful at what they do and I found out, on my investigations, that this is what “IT” does – floats from woman to woman, sucking everything in like that ‘bottom feeder’ on the bottom of the ocean, without care nor remorse.

Wow, did “I” give attention to the WRONG person; hm?
I should have followed my instincts right in the beginning, instead of ‘feeling sorry’ for “IT”. A year and a half ago, this whole experience pushed me into a massive heart attack where I had 65% destruction to my heart muscle. There is no time nor room in what I have left of my life for this garbage. There just isn’t. I gave up enough time for this ‘devil’.

IT WAS a nightmare, for a long time, but it isn’t anymore. I have been in counseling for four years and am now on Lexapro which has really ‘grounded’ me and my nerves. I have two counselors. One, I see once a week and the other, I see once a month. One is a PHd psychologist and the other is a PHd psychologist with a specialty in neurology. Excellent treatment and therapy I have had along the way. However, I have had to ‘be careful’ about whom I have chosen to counsel me, professionally. Because even though they ARE the center of this kind of treatment, as you would like to THINK, not every psychologist is ‘hip’ on the situations that exist with ppaths or spaths. I have gotten BLESSED to find the support I have needed along the way but it has been a struggle finding it.

NOBODY in the world would ever believe my story.
Except for here, on Love Fraud. I have found and currently have a counselor, one of my counselors, who completely UNDERSTANDS what I have been through. I am sorry to report that she, herself, has been the ‘victim’ of a sociopath. It is slowly becoming a thing of the past…a distant memory. One that has changed me for all time.

I am agoraphobic now with major depression, ptsd, a fatal heart condition. I lost my career and all my friends over this. “IT” stole and raped the last good ten years of my life and then ripped my head off and pissed down my neck on “ITS” way out the door, laughing.

Imagine one moment, someone telling you that they love you and you absolutely believe them. And, the next, they are trying to murder you. What a shock. All from someone you trusted….

Take care of yourself educatedprofessional. Thank you for your posts and for caring. I am an old hand at ‘controlling’ my life and walking the path “I” want and not the path I am manipulated into. I will die being that way.

Thanks for the wishes of peace…
I wish the same for you.

Dupey

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