I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
I want to thank “GOT2GETFREE” [for comment 76] and “Bubblewrap” [for comment 79] I “recognized” some more sick habits of my ex [SPATH, IMOP] from your posts. In fact. I quoted from them & posted them under one of my profiles about my ex, on womansavers.com. Thank you each for what you have contributed. Maybe now, my ex’s family and his new VICTIM will recognize him for what he was/is. He was into not only DL activities, and was a SERIAL ADULTERER (cheated in his two marriages, before I ever lived with him] who went after MARRIED WOMEN but also told me about THREE separate incestuous incidents in his family. His next victim after me was a married woman whose marriage he broke up. Unfortunately, she apparently would not heed my warnings, nor the warnings of his first wife [who also knew about his sick/DL activities. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Annie;
Covert-agressive types often react oddly to situations that are seemingly innoccuous to us but to them are close to unmasking.
“Perfect. Absolutely perfect. And that is EXACTLY what my spath is. I think they are one of THE most dangerous too because they mask so well. It takes great intelligence to see through their machinations.”
Roses a bloomin;
The reality of what I learned regarding my x-spath was so different than what was my perception of him that at times I still doubt the “truth,” starting with a seemingly descent, quiet “next door” type guy having a compulsion for pornography depicting graphic and unsafe sex.
Moreover, while in person he presented himself as relationship oriented and not into quick sex, online he states a desire for “boys, beer and fooling around.” He does not even cover his tracks very well as he uses the same sceen names for dating sites and porn sites…
I haven’t posted here since my first post after registering but have been a faithful reader. I had almost immediately forgotten my login and password and was too lazy to retrieve them. 🙂
But this was a great article.
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It took me almost 30 years to ask myself that question! Since then, along with understanding my ex’s secret life that included behaviors of a sex addict, I’ve come to realize that NOBODY else important in my life lies to me nor would I ever want to have someone in my life who does!
As things were deteriorating between us I confronted him about his lying — which spanned from the mundane to the extraordinary — he admitted that he only dreamed of being able to go for an entire day without lying.
That remarked has echoed in my head ever since. I can’t conceive of the energy it would take to fabricate details of anything on a regular basis — and I’m GLAD I can’t!
Bubblewrap,
thanks for your story.
I sometimes hesitate to post about the sexual behaviors of the spath because I wonder how it reflects on ME!
Truly, I would have done worse and more to please him. It was always about him. He cried and convinced me that he couldn’t believe that I really loved him if I didn’t do this. You see I had left him a couple of times and he insisted I left him because of his tiny penis. Therefore I could only love him and prove it if he provided bigger ones. spathological? hey! a new word. It means the convoluted logic and lies of a sociopath.
But I digress. I’m most grateful that you responded with your story about the online games because it cemented the idea that all they are trying to do is live out some kind of script that they’ve written. They feel that if they can act it, they are actually living it. And the more people who participate in the script, the more REAL it is. That’s what they are doing because of their shallow existence. The shallow existance coming from never having grown up and the inability to feel “real” (like pinnoccio or the velveteen rabbit).
I was talking to my BF, who is an old friend of the spath, and he remembered having sex with a girlfriend on a boat in lake washington. And I said, “spath and I did the same thing! in the exact same spot at about the same time”. Then I realized. oh, BF told spath about his sexcapade and spath had to re-enact it with me. Why? just to feel “real”. He thinks if he does what real people do, he is real too. NOT.
Can you imagine being soooooo completely without depth? It’s like living in 2 dimensions instead of 3.
Sky. I found out that my spath was taking me to all the places he had ever been with other women – yep, a kind of re-enactment. Weird.
Something that came to me the other night …when we talked on msn or he texted he always called me ‘Hun’ his term for Honey. I realised that he used this term for all his lady friends. Why? Because then he didn’t get mixed up with names.
So ladies if anyone calls you by anything other than your REAL name, beware.
An online “presence” seems to be a common thread among sociopaths.
How did eveyone discover the sociopath online?
I’m in a wicked mood tonight but I’m off to bed shortly so you can have some peace. Found this on facebook….
ATTENTION: A VIRUS is going round called Housework. If you feel the need to start housework. Stop immediately. This virus wipes out your social life. If you should come in contact with housework go straight to the nearest pub & order the only known antidote which is called alcohol. Please forward this warning immediately to a least 6 friends. If you realise you do not have 6 friends you are already infected!
BBE
My last one was online A LOT. But I never saw porn or anything else. Just one dating site, but then again when I went towards the computer, he’d click off of something or start raging at me.
LL
Candy,
I’m afraid I’ve already been infected! Sorry! I usually am resistant to that virus and have learned to even leave my dishes in the sink and go peacefully off to bed with a book, but the last few days I’ve been coming down with “housework fever” to the point I am even painting walls! Yea, I know,…..I know….and you thought I was a good person and now here I am spilling my guts on LoveFraud!
The real Ox Drover is coming out—my house got so deep in BS I had to paint the walls! LOL I think I am done for today though, I’ll finish the clean up tomorrow!