I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Candy,
I must have the best anti-infection protection against that one. I never seem to get it!
I too registered a long time ago, lurk and read. Excellent article, and comments. I am drawn here because of my own family. Surely I am wrong about my suspicions of my mate (I hope). But, I can clearly see my own life in each of your own recollections/experiences and even though they mirror my own life, I feel rather guilty for even considering labeling those I care about, it’s so final, it means it can’t work, and can’t be fixed, but has to be abandoned. In addition to that, I have a daughter who (though not her bio dad) exhibits some of the same symptoms. It’s a very rip~torn feeling. I also am not accustom to sharing…as I am usually the ‘ear’ for others.
To admit it, means one must make a change, and with that comes action and eventual total Upheaval….all very scary for me.
And with that staring me in the face, I find myself making excuses for them…in my own life to ‘get around’ that path.
Dear Free at last,
It sounds to me that you are anything EXCEPT “Free”—that you are where I was for DECADES, in the FOG=Fear, Obligation and Guilt! It is a daunting feeling to realize the truths you “see” but don’t want to admit, because once we admit them we must CHANGE and that is very FEAR provoking and scary. I didn’t do it willingly, believe me, I fought it until I realized they would literally KILL me if I continued to try to “fix” them. I decided I would rather live than die, or live like I was living, in HELL ON EARTH.
Not all families will actually try to kill the victim physically, but some will. It was only the physical threat that made me “wake up” and smell the coffee. Life is much better now though, but has been a walk through hell in the meantime. I don’t regret the choice I made though. Life without them is better than their “love” which was not love.
I’m very down today.
LL
Your right,
But, I am free as, I can see it at least. It will take sometime to get real with it. Guess I am going to have to wait for it to come to a head, eventually one can’t take it anymore, and is faced with reality. In my case, it’s through verbal innuendo’s. You know the kicks to the emotional gut. With barely even a recognition from them, of what those insults do to a person. I’ll get enough of them….then I’ll be done. I feel sorry for them though, I want a better life for them. Why can’t they see….what I see?
Ox,
Hey. I wanted to give myself some time before you responded to the post after I responded to yours. I’m practicing patience. When I get pissed off now, I have to take the time to cool down and think about WHY….it’s a new practice for me 🙂
You have a point in what you said. Today was a really tough day for me, emotionally. I was wallowing in spathdom. I came through it ok, no contact, but I was feeling pretty desperate, angry, then very depressed. Usually, I would contact when I have those impulsive/compulsive moments, to relieve whatever addiction this is. But I’m working on not doing it. Another day NC. But it seems that the pain of separation is worse everyday. I hope that improves.
I started to ask myself WHY I was feeling so lost without him today, wanting to connect and contact….
School. I’m having to file an appeal for spring term. I registered for my new classes today and my heart is just not in it. I feel apathetic. Just no interest at all. So different from last term when I was hell on wheels. All of that is gone. I miss him, Ox. Something fierce.
And now I don’t know what to do. With me. I have all these hopes, dreams, aspirations, but I lose steam when it comes to riding out the storm to get there. I’m so damned tired and sad….so many years in this relationshit…
We are under a Winter Storm Warning right now. Been watching the news with my son, trying to just chill….then I remembered all the winters exPOS and I would get on the phone to one another and talk about whether or not he’d make it safely to work…and this last fall/winter, whether or not he’d come out to get me from home……..he tried to come and get me….but I also think he knew I wouldn’t go…..
The confusion and pain is awful.
NOthing seems exciting. It should, but it’s just not.
Distractions help take away the pain, Ox. It’s SO HARD!!! I feel like I should be over it, but I’m NOT over it. I’m in a lot of pain. A lot.
I have had the blessing of a couple of pretty productive good days. But then it’s back to square one. Seems all I have the energy for right now is to fight through the addiction to maintain my NC. When it really comes down to it, i guess I’m willing to weather the pain of loss……….I MISS HIM….and I don’t know why….
Last night, as Star was writing out her stuff, I reflected on that today.
It isn’t a man I think I need or want in my life. It’s me. I don’t know anymore. When reflecting over the last ten years, he was woven into every fabric of my life….and as I tried to extricate this last year (with a lot of success, beating alcohol and now him too), from the relationshit, I find myself not knowing what the hell to do.
School is a major stress. I feel that I should trudge forth anyway, even not knowing what I want to do or where I want to go….but just taking a step out anyway…
It’s so scary to not know what to do, to feel this way.
I can see my need to distract to stop or at least, alleviate, the pain.
But while contemplating alone in my car this afternoon after running errands, I can’t escape the pain.
It’s there with me all the time. I’m tired of thinking about it, ox.
I want more from my life. I just don’t feel motivated.
My therapist was right last week. “You’re tired”. He’s right. I am tired.
From years and years of giving to everyone else but myself. And now that it’s down to a peaceful environment at home, (Although youngest son gives me a run for my money) I don’ tknow what to do.
For the first time in my life, my direction in life is not a fire lit under my ass due to drama that is created by spath….
But the reality that it’s not. And that it’s up to me. I’m scared.
I’m scared because I don’t know what I want, because I’m tired. Because I think it’s the wrong move to go back to school right now, but not sure about that either. I’m just not sure.
THanks for the boink ox. As usual.
LL
Hi everyone…
In my deepest sorrow tonight, I’m inserting a quote from Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear…
I personally love Pooh Bear… 🙂
So here it is and I’d like to share it, because I have it post it noted all over the place right now to keep me sane…
“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
LL
LL,
I hope you can be very very gentle with yourself and give yourself whatever it is you need. It’s hard to feel excited and motivated when you are grieving. There is no time frame for grieving, unfortunately. Grieving is over when it’s over. Be gentle and keep breathing. If all you can do is get up and fix yourself a healthy meal, and lie down and hug yourself, or get on here and write, I say that’s a very productive day.
Sending hugs your way,
Star
Dear LL,
Yea, gal, I hear you! Been there, dun that and wore out the tee shirt!~ Shoulda, woulda, coulda, don’t know what the fark to do! As Star says, be gentle with yourself and for goodness sakes GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME, CHICKIE!!! Sure, you are TIRED! You’ve been running on adrenaline for how many years??? SLOW DOWN!
All that stress wears you out mentally and physically—and keeping yourself HOPPED UP and on FIRE DRILL 24/7 isn’t going to make you feel any less tired. Believe me, kiddo, I know how difficult that is, but slowing down….letting it flow and relaxing, learning to QUIT PUSHING THE RIVER will rest you body and soul. Mind and spirit. (((hugs)))) I’m gonna keep preaching to you about slowing down, about staying in the NOW until you either get it or tell me to pith off! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
”Thank you” said Pooh “Dont mention it” said Eeyore. “”Oh but I want to !” said Pooh. Did I mention how grateful I am for lovefraud? said Pooh.