I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
dear warm summer flower (for that is what roses a bloomin are) (LL for those of you not keeping up)
i was reading your post and thinking, she misses herself, and then about 3/4 way down the post, you said it too.
it’s what it is, you know. i missed me before the spath came into my life – that’s how she got her damned hooks into me – she showed my what i was missing and aching for, and unfortunately she presented that she was ‘all that’.
you just have to ride this – and every time you grieve him, ask what it is that you need, what you are missing in yourself, or your life. you are doing so very very well. you are getting right into the heart of this for yourself.
a lifetime of focusing on others is going to take a while to break. recognize that and honor your very intelligent process. Can you talk to a school counselor about classes? I am wondering when your spring session starts. More than three months from now? Much will change in the next three months. if you register will there be a penalty for deciding not to go?
all the best to you dear one – you are brilliant.
Oh, and this is for everyone, not just for LL, but here are some things to help with chronic stress – eating whole foods and avoiding processed foods and refined sugar. Vitamin B Complex. Acupuncture. Massage (goes without saying). If you can’t afford massage, just stretch. Figure out a way to sleep without setting your alarm clock so you get a good night’s sleep. All of these things will help your physical and mental functioning. Acupuncture balances out your organ function. This is extremely helpful if you have a lot of the stress hormone, cortisol, going through your system, and your adrenals are working overtime, as Oxy says.
If you get the ad at the top of the site that says “5 steps to a flat belly” click on it and watch the video. Forget the product they’re selling. They give FABULOUS information about which foods are good and which are harmful to your body.
…and adding to your list Star: vita c and adrenal supplements; neurofeedback for PTSD;lots of water (but sip it, it will nourish your cells, gulping will flush your kidneys); cut down on non-complex carbs.
dont forget lost’s of fiber –
Yeah, that’s a pretty long list of self-help stuff. A person could get really stressed out trying to do all of those things. That’s when a shot of tequila would help.
Freeatlast and Oxy,
Your posts resonate where I am with my parents. I gave up the spath Exp, fully understanding what he is. And I know what my spath sis and bro are, but the parental units….that’s so hard for me. Do they feel about my spath bro and spath sis the way I feel about them? Are they just confused by feeling love for what is clearly evil?
I remember when my spath sis tried to put my spath bro in jail for no reason except that she wants him out of my parents home so that she and the spath trojan horse can move in. (granted he had been arrested for crack possession but she tried to get him a prison term far exceeding what that merited). I saved the spath bro -not realizing what a spath was at that time – and forgave the spath sister. I even encouraged everyone to do the same – even my spath brother. I convinced him to go help her move her heavy furniture to her new house to show them that he was the bigger man. And he did it too. Later they both ganged up on me to put ME in jail.
This is what my parents say they are doing now: holding out hope for these lost children who have clearly demonstrated how venemous they are. My sis even admits that she likes being selfish and that being evil is okay because “everybody is evil”. Her immense stupidity actually is the reason I pity her. Could it be a “pity ploy”? Could she be using a “tell” as a way of showing how stupid she is so I will pity her? No, she actually is that stupid.
NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DO STUFF LIKE THAT. I’m finally getting it through my thick skull, (to quote Mary Jo.) that the correct feeling to feel, when you witness people doing this kind of thing IS REVULSION. Evil SHOULD make you feel nauseous.
But after all the programming from my parents and the catholic church, I reasoned away my integrity and instead felt compassion and forgiveness for swine. That is the first step toward the complete breakdown of your life: when evil is met with compassion. It shouldn’t be, it should be met with revulsion. I have ALWAYS felt this uncomfortable feeling of needing to take a shower after spending any time with my spath sis and her husband. REALLY, a literal need to bathe. I didn’t understand that it was revulsion.
Sorry, I got on a rant. This subject really brings out the hopelessness in me. 🙁
LL,
I know what you mean. We weren’t just doing the adrenalin thing with our exPaths, we’ve been doing it since childhood. Now we are tired, but we’re also lacking another way of being. It’s like being a drug addict from childhood. We became addicted to our own stress hormones. Is there another way to function? Whatever it is, I’ve never learned it. I respond to fires. I don’t make plans. Spaths always ruin them.
For a while, when I was a teenager, I was more self-directed, but I realize now that I was running on ANGER. All those teenage hormones were firing me up every day, I hated everyone but instead I re-directed to getting what I wanted out of life. That ended when my life seemed to magically turn into bliss when I met the spath.
It’s time to take our learning and self-direct ourselves. Choose what is good for us. Set boundaries. It’s going to be hard for us. There is no one there to smile at you when you do good for you. You have to smile at yourself.
Sky
Everything you post has such profound meaning for me……perhaps because we share a spath background…N background, well….personality disorder background…….
“There is no one to smile at you when you do good for you. You have to smile at yourself”.
You’re right. And nothing makes me angrier right now….
Today my youngest son brought home this brochure he had done all by himself on the computer at school about a foreign country. He also did a presentation on it. He got an A. He also got an A in another class project.
He was so proud. What parent would I be if I didn’t give him the heads up and kudos for his hard work and effort? I keep everything he does. ALL of it. Told him how proud I was of him.
He’s worked really hard in school. His teachers are impressed and say he’s doing so much better this year than last academically….
I never got that. It dawned on me today, I never HAD that from my spaths. They HATED it when I excelled and they sabotaged it……the harder I tried, the harder I worked, the more they told me i was a worthless piece of shit………..no one said what I say to my children……it should be natural to a parent when you love your child…….so simple…….
But they hated me for every step i took that was positive.
Several years ago, when exP and I were married, we were invited out to spath daddy’s house for dinner. It was ruinous….I had only been back in college a year….he told me I would fail…again, after he invited me to share about it….a ruinous failure……….I remember going into the bathroom and crying….silently. That knife in the back is all I know…….
I’m not saying this because I’m the little “victim”. I’ve fought all of my life to be a survivor and i was then too and he took what was so precious to me in the strides I had made….and as it always was……..”You’ll fuck it up. This is just another of your “schemes” in saying you’re going to do something when you never finish and always fail and/or quit…am I going to have to save you on this one too?”……….
Unfortunately, the killing of that little girl spirit, made all of that true.
I’m scared to death that I’m not smart enough to do more.
I’m 47 now
My father ruined me.
LL
((LL)),
If my opinion means ANYTHING to you, then believe this: you ARE smart enough. And no, I don’t just go around saying that to anyone who needs to hear it. When you first started posting here, I was concerned because you were waffling so much as to whether your exPOS was a spath. I wondered if you would ever “get it”.
You have far exceeded my expectations. I’m in awe of what you have accomplished in such a short time. What I’ve noticed most about you is that you actively seek out knowledge. And you aren’t afraid to question the conventional wisdom. You don’t mince words. Most of all, you will sacrifice your ego without blinking an eye, if that’s what it takes to see the truth square on. WOW! I’m in awe of that. You’ve got balls.
I know that you love school and learning. But you’ve taken a break from it because your mind is in fear mode. You KNOW how important this knowledge about spaths and growth is for your protection and your success. So your mind automatically wanders there to ruminate and process what will eventually be the huge step up from your past life.
I know these things because that is where I’m at. I’m 45.
You’ve done a lot in a short time. I wish I could tell you, “LL, that’s good enough for now, you are safe, get to school and make your life work for you. You can continue to learn about spaths on the side. You won’t miss a beat.”
My brain believes that, but that isn’t what I’ve experienced. I’ve been NC for 1.5 years almost and not an hour goes by that I’m not thinking about it. FUCK! how’s that for a mind-fuck? When will it fucking END?????????
But I’m not you. It may be hypocritical of me, but I want to encourage you, (if you choose) to consider disciplining your mind to work on school related stuff for at least 3 hours per day. Do it now. See if you can do it in practice, now, while it doesn’t matter. You have some of the textbooks right? read them.
LL, I’m giving you advice that I haven’t taken myself. I have a guy who is wanting to rent my old house for $1000/month and all I have to do is clean it. But I don’t do it. Too fucked up. Also BF has plenty of work for me to do around here and I see that it makes him happy when I finish a logo or a banner or a brochure or whatever. It’s a mistake, I know, but there’s no one to smile at me when I do things for me. 🙁
(((((( skylar )))))))))))
I GET THAT SO MUCH!!
I’ll go kicking and screaming into healing!!
I fight with myself about moving on with my life, and those voices of my past that say, “YOU”RE A FUCK UP AND WILL NEVER MAKE IT”…I digress……….and recoil………exPOS’s voice is the loudest……..
DAMN IT! BUt I WILL fight it, tooth and nail…….and that’s where the depression comes……..
Part of me feels as if I should just let it all go and just succumb to the pain, but there is this SURVIVOR in me that says, “um, NO, you can’t DO THAT, it’s not YOU”….
Sky, I feel stupid. I feel like I’m STUPID!!!
I do well in school. I”m an A/B student (use to be straight A before ass head), and I work my butt off………
But you’re right, I RECOGNIZE that I might not be able to give my ALL to school right now………I want to be able to put my 100 percent into school. There ISN”T any other option. When I go there, I GO THERE………but this term, I fell apart. My concentration and heart weren’t there. I’m tired. My body and my mind are very tired. I LOOK tired……..
Do you think that little bastard is tired? Oh wait, probably from all the sex he’s getting with new gf, do ya think?
It pisses me off for all I fought so fucking hard for all of my life.
My therapist says I’m tired. He’s right.
But I’m not one to SIT in it. I just DON”T SIT IN IT….but my body and mind say I HAVE to sit in it………WHY?
This is interfering with my strides toward success in life.
I kept ONE class. I’ve not been there. Today was the first day. I have a GREAT instructor. THANK GOD………I’m registering for classes for spring and wondering why. I just don’t give a shit anymore.
And THAT scares the shit out of me!!
I should have done this a long time ago.
I’m 47 Sky. There isn’t a lot of “time” left.
The fighter in me wants to move on NOW…………..I don’t have time to wait.
And I don’t want to believe that if I have to “sit” in it that all of my spaths won………”you’re a failure, a fuck up”…….
I want to shut it out and down.
But………….
LL
.