I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
LL,
baby girl, I know.
I wish we could trade places and I know I would do for you what you can’t and vice-versa.
You were trained to care more about others than you do for yourself. If I knew how to correct that, I would tell you but I don’t have the formula- YET!
Don’t give up. Do what you WANT TO DO. and take baby steps if you want. Keep looking at yourself critically. I don’t actually have to tell you that, you are doing an awesome job.
xxxxxoooooo
I sincerely hope that I am not doing anything wrong in jumping in. Its just that I don’t know how the site works and I am hoping to learn by doing. Since the below experience my brain doesn’t work as well and I take longer to process information.
I don’t know the exact day my life began and ended. But what I do know it took a day and nine months later to escape. I was in deep shock and I was running on fear and adrenaline. My weight had plummeted. I ran for my life. I knew something bad had happened but didn’t know why.
On that day, my husband changed. Suddenly, swiftly and deadly. He shot a bolt right through my heart and mind–I sometimes wonder if he killed it or not. This is where I am. On that day he revealed all is not what seemed. He was living a double life with me. We were married 22 years. On that day I recognised something important had changed and I quit drinking to keep a clear head. It didn’t work—I got sucked in.
Memory: Idealising me in the beginning—Appealing to my own narcissism or delighted that my husband had suddenly discovered that he truly loved me. He said that I reminded him of Marylyn Monroe thought he meant nature wise as I do not think I look anything like that beauty. I was delighted because I really like Marylin Monroe. Said I was the princess. I didn’t know what that meant but thought what the hell—if he thinks that then he will treat me well.
I was a wrong—because of PTSD and blank spots I have no timeframe for what happened where and when. What I remember is that later on the pictures of Marylin Monroe had become mutilated versions. Later on he directed me to an art site which had a picture called “Assassinate the Princess”
It all started as a fun game about art. Sending each other art photos across the room. He would sit at his PC, I would sit at mine. I thought we were expressing out feelings for each other after all my husband who used to be an abuser has sought counselling six years prior and had turned out to be a wonderful husband and father. What was wrong?
It came through that he had a split personality and used massive mind control tactics on me to split mine to match him. This would be his perfect mate. Each mate to fill a function to match his characters. I was to function only for sex. After 22 years—this was sore. It also came through that he had a grandiose character—my familiar although becoming less so husband character and two I’d never met.
This is where I feel prevented from posting because I feel no one would believe me. I am struggling to make sense of this experience. I have now an anxiety disorder, which I hide from my kids and am on meds for this. I also see a psychologist fortnightly for CBT to deal with the trauma.
On that day—he destroyed my emotional life swiftly. I couldn’t tell what I felt anymore. He then moved on to destroy my thoughts. He desecrated everything that was sacred to me and called me food. It was a planned attack and had been for some while. My lovely laid back husband disappeared and God knows what replaced him.
My recovery is slow and sometimes I feel will never happen and I lose heart. I have been out for three years and my divorce will be through soon. Mostly I feel dead inside apart from bouts of deep sadness.
Conversations are difficult for me as I have a lot of noise going on in my head. I read Lovefraud daily and I catch glimpses of him in others stories. But for some reason a complete picture eludes me. I just wish I could meet someone who experienced the multiple personalities.
At the end of those nine months he had went from nice wholesome husband to cruel sadistic tyrant. I went from a confident, happy, compassionate woman to an insane wreck.
Thanks for listening
Littlewhitehorse
xxx
LWH,
welcome to LF
you need to post everything you want to talk about without feeling that no one would believe you. I thought no one would believe that my exP was poisoning me for 25 years and that he found another spath to marry my spath sister in order to dupe her into wanting me dead. The unbelievable stories ABOUND here. Oxy’s story is one of the most amazing but she has evidence for it all. None of us disbelieve each other. On the contrary, each story confirms the next!
Unbelievable is HOW THEY DO WHAT THEY DO!
who would believe it? so they get away with it.
I’m so sorry it went into 22 years. mine was 25, so I can relate.
There is a book, called “Why does he do that? inside the minds of angry men.” By Lundy Bancroft. It isn’t the best book about spaths, he uses different terms. But he does speak about men who can present a facade for many many years without cracking and then, as soon as the coast is clear, they will say:, “fuck you, I was just PRETENDING TO LOVE YOU.”
ack.
It’s what makes me so nervous….who DOES that? Don’t they have something better to do with their lives than torturing a woman? NO, they don’t.
Skylar–thanks for replying. I read about you all the time mostly because of your 25 year relationship and also that he tried to kill you. I relate to that as I believe mine tried to get me to commit suicide.
I just don’t know why because I can find nothing he would gain. He doesn’t really bother with the children and the house was rented in my name. There was no insurance policy.
He certainly got sadistic pleasure in torturing me. So I have come to the conclusion it would just be the thrill of comitting an murder and getting away with it.
Thanks again for replying.
Littlewhitehorse
xxx
LWH
Yeah, it’s mostly the pleasure of control. The sociopaths we read about, who are serial killers, get off on killing, but the ones whom we’ve lived with, love the fact that they got us to kill OURSELVES! Isn’t that powerful? They didn’t have to lift a finger. My exP had a gf who commited suicide before we met. Now I know why.
They are sick. But we win in the end.
((LWH))
(((((((((((((((((((( Sky ))))))))))))))))))
You have helped me the most. 🙂 I love you. 🙂
LTW….you’ll find healing here. You’ll make sense of your experience. Promise 🙂
Post all you want. I believe you. It’s such a familiar story.
I was married to a psychopath for twenty years, then involved in an affair with one for almost ten.
The weirdness, pain, destruction isn’t limited.
God Bless you on your journey 🙂
LL
Skylar
I want so badly the feeling that I win in the end. I got the children whom he did his damdest to turn them against me. I got the house and my freedom albeit with a broken heart.
He lives with his mum who he hates and and is out of work. I know in reality I came off best but I just don’t feel like a winner.
LWH
xxx
Hello Skylar and LL,
I agree with Skylar, regarding your quick progress, and how much you’ve grown in such a short time. I said the same words as Skylar’s, above. Skylar, I am sorry about the hopelessness you are feeling, and I am saying prayers for both of you tonight, after reading your posts, above. Skylar you are such an amazing force, the way you are there for LL and understand her so deeply, and in turn give her such sound words of wisdom. You helped me in this way, to. You are an amazing woman and person. You too, LL.
Love… and goodnight to you both,
Eden
(((LL and LWH)))
I feel so connected to you both. it hurts.
I’m gong to bed now.
I can’t hug you enough to express what I feel.
it’s the upside to the hell we’ve been through.
Skylar
Lesson learned.
Thanks for saying my story is familiar–it gives me comfort. It has been three years since I went no contact and I have probably progressed but as said I still feel dead inside and I don’t like it.
I used to be a warm feeling person and could appreciate beauty. Now I can’t.
What I have noticed about Lovefraud is that we are all mostly of a mature age. Do they strike when your best years are behind you and you feel that you can only be with them because of the lifetime investment you have made.
Thanks again
LWH
xxx