I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Free At Last:
When I first came across the term “sociopath” and read the definition and came across examples, I was so stunned that I stayed awake all night crying and looking out the window at the ocean. Like you, my daughter had been causing me heartache with her behavior, and I was so concerned about the intensity with which she would lie, and the puzzling lack of remorse when she would get caught in her lies, and the nagging feeling that my labored efforts to teach her that lying was wrong simply seemed to be teaching her to lie EVEN BETTER. She was about 9 years old at the time! So when I saw what a sociopath was, and I did not necessarily want to apply the label to my daughter because she was SO young and I felt there could still be hope — what shocked me was the dead-on accuracy at which my husband could be described, and the amazing similarity in personality traits that he held with others of his ilk.
Like I said, I did not sleep a wink that night. Sometimes I would just stare at my husband who was snoring in the bed across the room. I was blown away by the connections forming rapidly in my mind. The very habits and WORDS that he used to make my life so miserable, the personality traits that I had so far assumed were a part of his individuality in the world, were nothing of the sort! His tactics to control, manipulate, and create chaos had been repeated by millions of other sociopaths.
I felt the same as you, that there was no hope. I thought “my marriage is over”, and even though I eeked it out for another three years trying to make it all go away, I was truly right about that original sentiment!
I continue to watch and worry about my daughter. With the separation between me and her father now, I’ve been hoping that perhaps he was just a bad influence. I mean what kind of message is a child supposed to pick up about lying when her father obviously lies with nearly every breath that he takes?
LWH,
Why does your story sound “true?” BECAUSE it has the RING of truth in it that makes it sound legitimate.
Sometimes we have people come here on LF who are “trolls” who post some god-awful story (among a lot of REALLY gawd-awful stories that ARE TRUE) but because psychopaths don’t really “get it” emotionally or as Bob Hare said in his book, they know the words but not the music, they end up quickly sounding UN-true. Your story shows TRUTH and believability even if it is a bit “strange” it is a STRANGENESS we can recognize because we have ALSO been there with a psychopath. (or two)
When I went to a new therapist my story was so FAR OUT that he thought I might be a paranoid nut job and I actually had to bring my adopted son and some documents to prove I was really being TARGETED by the “entire world!” LOL Even when I hired an attorney the attorney didn’t believe me until he saw the documents proving I wasn’t just a paranoid nut job! LOL It is funny to me now, but at the TIME it was not funny when the whole community thought I was NUTS! When the REAL nut jobs were the ones stalking me and our family.
Just cause you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there is no one out to get you.
I recommend Dr. Anna Salter’s book to everyone who wants to learn how to SPOT a pedophile grooming children. Sometimes we can spot them by just our “guts” but we dont’ have “evidence” so we try to discount it, “Nah, he would never do THAT!” We need to listen to our guts! We need to educate ourselves and educate our children. Pedophiles per Dr. Salter, AVERAGE over 300 crimes BEFORE they are caught the FIRST time. THEY DO NOT REFORM. Education and observation and ACTION to protect our children is the only way we can help them avoid a life filled with pain. I am glad to see the law is now prosecuting one of the men who helped HIDE THE CRIMES of some priests. I think anyone who covers up for a sexual crime is just as much an accomplice as the guy who covers up for a murder or a bank robbery. Give them the same amount of time as the criminal gets. Put them in the SAME CELL to rot!
As far as ages go, they will target anyone.
But my own exP said, “no one will ever want you” to me one day out of the blue. Thank God that I’m narcissistic enough to know that’s not true. Some people even think I’m HOT. But the intent of those words was obvious: he wouldn’t leave someone whom others would want. They don’t leave you until they have sucked every last bit of life out of your body. He was working on that and was trying to get me to the point where I would kill myself.
Well he never actually left me, he intended death for me and I left HIM.
So that is probably why so many of us end up here in our later years. They only start the discard when they see us as dried up.
So that would be a good test to know if you have a spath. Pretend to dry up the supply. See what happens.
Dear BeAware,
I am the parent of one psychopathic adult child….unfortunately there IS a big component that is genetic, but there are also some environmental issues as well too. I’m not sure how your daughter is doing now, but I hope that was a phase she is growing out of.
By 17 my son was a “lost cause”—actually by 15, but I didn’t realize the crimes he was committing then, and it was only by 17 that the law was really getting involved. Even then I didn’t know how many criimes or how serious they were. By 18 he was in prison for robbery, out at 20, back inside for murder before he turned 21. He is still there 19 years later, and When he comes up for parole again in 3 years I will hire an attorney and FIGHT AGAIN to keep him in prison where he needs to be for my safety and for the safety of society. He is a violent psychopath.
I know the pain of “losing” a child in what amounts to being a “living death”—one in which the child’s body (now adult) goes on living and breathing and there is no body to bury or way to grieve. People will tell yoiu “oh, you can’t give up on him/her, s/he’s your child….” Bull hockey, you have no choice at some point BUT to give up. To quit believing in santa Claus and the tooth fairy or that your child will suddenly grow a conscience. It is NOT going to happen.
When you reach that point, and my guess is that it will be sometime during puberty, which the hormones of puberty seem to make it worse one way or another….don’t look back. Don’t doubt yourself, don’t doubt your decision. As painful as it is, it is less cruel to a puppy to cut the tail off in one chop rather than to try to be “humane” and just cut it off an inch at a time. It is the same with breaking the contact with a psychopathic adult child. IF AND WHEN the time comes, make it clean, swift and FINAL, the same way you would with any psychopath. You will eventually heal, I promise you. If they are psychopathic, there’s not going to be any reforming. I’m not the only mother here who has had to make this decision and I don’t think I will be the last. Geminigirl has lost both her daughters and her grandkids, Disturbed Grandmother ditto, and WitsEnd her son, and others I don’t know about as well….you aren’t alone in this at all. (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Ha! When Skylar said “I respond to fires. I don’t make plans. Spaths always ruin them”, I had to laugh. For so many years that was my life. I just want to take a second to tell God and everyone how grateful I am that I don’t have to live like that anymore. Just this morning I was musing over the fact that I have made plans to meet with a friend in a week. When she asked if I could meet her to go to the beach, I immediately wanted to respond “NO, of course not!” because I was simply NOT allowed to make plans of any sort for so long. During that time in hell what I wanted to tell all my family and friends was “Thank you for loving me and wanting to spend time with me, but you have to understand that it doesn’t matter if you give me a week or a month to prepare, I won’t be able to come to your birthday party, your baby shower, nor meet you for lunch or relax and watch a movie. It simply won’t happen so thanks for the invite but I won’t be attending.” That was so sad! I never did fully explain that to anyone at the time, however true it was.
But now I still experience the anxiety, possibly out of my intense training of 10 years! It’s hard to get motivated to do much of anything because I’m so used to accomplishing very little, and I hardly know what to do with myself having so much free time and room to think on my hands!
Dear BeAware,
Good for you! Go have a good time!!! It is difficult to learn new ways of thinking and living, but you can do it, you can have an entirely new life post-psychopath! Not only that, you are your own boss now! Making your own decisions, enjoying your own life! WOW! Wonder why I didn’t think of that decades ago! LOL ROTFLMAO (((hugs))))
Dear friends,
Its been over two years, and I still feel that my soul is empty inside. He sucked my soul out of me completly. I shy away from relationships, I like being with a partner, I enjoy myself, but as soon as there is love bombing (or anything that resembles it) I shy away from it. My ex spath love bombed me for almost 20 years, till I woke up and suddenly, he discarded me like 20 years meant nothing. His mask fell and that was that. And just like that he was done. He used my family and kids to control me, he knew that they were an extenion of me. He could never control me and he used other people to do his manipulation. You can imagine how highly he was regarded by my parents and kids. He was on a pedestal. So when my world crumbled, and tried to tell my family what was gong on, they hesitated. Not until he became violent and abusive in front of others did they finally “get it”.
He used to love bomb me in all ways, gifts, compliments, but never what I really “wanted”. Which was to connect and feel one. I actually thought I was spoiled and ungrateful, how could I not appreciate all this man was doing ? My marriage crumbled within months, and 20 years down the toilet. My kids were abbandoned, just like that. If it was not for my loving family, and all the support, my kids would have been very hurt. They are smart kids and have understood that “his wiring is not connected the right way”. But my question is this….How can a spath hold up the mask for that long…20 years, and he never faultered, there were red signs everywhere but he good. How can they hold out for so long…? I read about everyone elses relationship and no one has mentioned 20 years of love bombing.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
Love u all.
Willing to die for the spath, constant texting while driving the interstate for 2 hours nonstop. Like I really need this!
survivorlady,
I have thought about how much of my time was wasted being married to a spath (dealing with all the crises), time that could have been spent more productively elsewhere. To me, spaths are not conscious of time, not caring (or being mindful of) how long it takes to carry out their “con.” I’d like to think that my h-spath started out with true intentions, but his disorder got in the way, destroying our marriage, home life, etc. I have been permanently affected by what has transpired in knowing a spath, not fully trusting most people. I am still shocked that I was in an abusive marriage – so much deceit, emotional abuse, financial abuse, etc., wiping me out in more ways than one.
Dear Survivorlady,
To this day, my egg donor keeps up her mask in the community, her friends, what family she has left and the church. She is very careful to not let it slip….only a FEW times in my entire life have I seen it slip—and then ONLY WITH ME, and ONE time she “lost it” in front of my step father and he literally had to restrain her and pull her off of me because the blood was flowing from the beating she was giving me…I was 15 and was determined not to cry, and my defiance not to cry literally pushed her over the edge, she was literally foaming at the mouth. That was the ONLY time she ever physi8cally abused me, or allowed anyone else to see her verbally abuse me or lose her control.
I too saw the “red flags” and I think we all see SOME red flags but WE are like Jesus described the Pharisees “have ears to hear and hear not, have eyes to see and see not”—looking back we SEE these things (red flags) for what they are, and even at the time they pique our interest and give us a WTF? moment, but we “explain it away” as our own fault or our own problem….just like you felt that YOU were UNGRATEFUL—no, you were not ungrateful, that was your INSTINCTS TELLING YOU SOMETHING WAS WRONG BUT YOU COULDN’T PUT YOUR FINGER ON WHAT, so you came up with an “excuse” for what you felt.
Looking back, I think that by age 6 or 7 at the latest I knew my egg donor didn’t really care anything about me….I never remember sitting on her lap or her holding me or tucking me into bed at night after I was maybe 3. After that I was just sent to bed at bedtime. I can never recall her telling me she loved me or that she was proud of me, no matter what I did or how well I did it. I do recall lots and lots of criticisms though about how a B+ wasn’t good enough of a grade, or how I didn’t measure up in one way or another. I finally realized that she has one set of “rules” of BE PERFECT OR YOU ARE WORTHLESS for me, and another set of rules for everyone else…ESPECIALLY THE MALES IN THE FAMILY—“it’s okay whatever you do, I’ll protect you from the consequences and if Oxy won’t cooperate, I’ll punish her for you.”
I’m glad that you had some family that FINALLY saw the truth, you are fortunate there as many psychopaths can keep up the mask in front of others. Only my other sons have seen that my egg donor is a complete liar and a fraud, but that helps at least. I’ve finally learned to validate myself though, and it is okay if I am the ONLY one who sees the truth, it is still the truth.
Back when everyone in the world except Columbus thought the world was flat, it didn’t change the SHAPE OF THE WORLD DID IT? Well, you know, truth doesn’t change either just because others don’t see it or believe it. You’re gonna be okay.
Learn to trust YOURSELF—that is the person I lost trust in more than anyone. I lost trust in myself to keep myself SAFE from others. Learn to trust you own instincts and learn to take relationships slow…and let those other people EARN your trust. I do NOT GIVE AWAY trust to anyone any more, it is EARNED and once it is lost by betrayal, it is nigh on to impossible to get back. NO MATTER who the person is. I have one biological son I don’t trust either, besides the P-son, and I am sorry it has to be that way, but he lied to me….again. (head shaking here) and that is the end of me ever trusting him again or frankly wanting anything to do with him either. It’s a loss for me, but is a much bigger loss for him, because I WAS AND AM TRUSTWORTHY….and he lost that. I didn’t really lose much except my ILLUSION OF HIM BEING TRUSTWORTHY….and that’s not much. Hurts to lose it, but it is like fool’s gold….not worth anything to start with if you had it.