I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Thank you Ox Drover for your kind words!
I had another thought today while picking up my youngest from kindergarten. I believe this to be true and wanted to bounce it off of the LF community:
Coming out of a relationship with one of these nut-jobs seems to be a lot like one of the war veterans coming home from Vietnam. There is paranoia, mistrust of the world around them, not a whole lot of understanding from the ones who have NO IDEA what life was like “back there”. There is this odd sense (for me) that I spent so much time fighting for my life, that life took on an abstract quality of being some sort of game– me against him, kill or be killed. The value of my life meant so little to the “enemy” (and yet he spent so much time and energy trying to destroy it) that I ended up also feeling that it did not matter much. Now to return to my “home country” where of course everyones life has infinite value, and it’s important to do things like “take time for yourself” and “have a career” and, like, care about what actors are on television, etc. All these little details of normal American life are indeed very strange to me now.
What hits home the hardest is when you hear of the veteran who wants nothing more than to return and continue fighting the war. Even after the war is over! Sure it was hell on earth, but it’s what the veteran knows. They lived and breathed survival for a long time, and a life of leisure just makes so little sense after that. It’s hard to come home!
I no longer have the need to return. Usually. But this overwhelming feeling of being an alien on a foreign planet whenever I managed to LEAVE the situation was much of what sent me back to him for about ten years. There are occasional days when I miss him, and I try to figure out what the heck I’m missing. It no longer lasts very long. And it also helps that he’s currently in jail for a very tiny portion of his crimes right now.
But the Vietnam Vet analogy helps me too. I realize that I’m having a hard time re-assimilating into society because of a certain amount of conditioning. That conditioning was put upon me ON PURPOSE, to make me helpless in any situation but the one he was controlling. The world is so overwhelming and strange! The sun is really bright, and people are either too chipper for me to understand or too cold for me to trust. But eventually I will “get it”. Hopefully!
It is interesting how, from day one (3 months ago), I have had no contact with the Psychopath, Moved on to a different real estate office, I am utilizing therapy, doing all that I can to heal and move on in a possitive way, yet he continues on his mission to slander me as well as play victim with his new victim and his associates within his (my previous) office. Since I have already expressed the things he has done in light of his ridiculous mission, within the past four weeks, I will skip over it, and express what seems dillusional and conveluted as his most recent claim;
He is now telling people in his office that I have spy’s there that are spying on him and reporting back to me. Very interesting, really. I think to myself, “when is this going to end”? Although when I first heard of the claim, yesterday, I was a bit perterbed. Then, not more than five minutes later, I found myself cracking up. Even as I think of the obsurdity, today, I chuckle. I mean, really… Is this for real? Is his ego truly so big, that he would think that I would be engaging my thoughts or any further energy into him. I am using ALL of my energy to find ways NOT to think of him. He is a worthless piece of nothing. The size of a pea.
Thank you for allowing me to express this, here!
Have a beautiful afternoon!
Eden
BeAware,
I think we posted at the same time, so I had not seen your post before hand. My feelings are right on target with yours. If I were to have described it, it would be just what you have written. Every bit of it. Such a perfect analogy (sp?).
Thank you and much peace to you,
Eden
Dear Eden,
To answer your question, is his ego so big? YES!!!! IT IS!!!! LOL
Actually he is CONCERNED that maybe you DO have friends there that might “spy” on him so this is what I call a ACTIVE DEFENSE against the possibility that you do have friends (spys, in his mind) there. LOL Obviously you do or you wouldn’t have heard what he said. LOL
You may be better off just NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING he says or any reports about his mouthing off.
Yes, they think the entire world centers and revolves around them and the “smear campaign” is only part of what they do to try to keep that fantasy active.
Glad you are taking ACTIVE care of yourself with therapy etc. It is the only way we can heal from them and will produce something that the person high in psychopathic traits never can find, and that is peace and contentment. They will always be looking somewhere else from what they have or where they are to provide them with “happiness” but they will never truly find it. You will! (((hugs))))
Thank you so much, Oxy, I truly appreciate what you have said! I do agree with you, that I should no longer listen to what others are telling me. This morning I made a conscious decision to respectfully tell anyone else that wishes to speak of him, further, that I am not interested in knowing what he is up to, or hearing his name mentioned for that matter. That is something that I do have power over… saying those words. I am sure my associates/friends at my previous office will respect my wishes.
Everything you have expressed makes so much sense.
Hugs back to you!
Eden
Dear Eden,
You know some people seem to enjoy the “tale carrying” and keeping DRAMA going….and by taking the “high road” and very nicely telling these people that you are NOT interested in hearing anything about him, what he says or what he does….will only make you look more sane and him more insane. LOL Also, those same people who have been carrying tales TO you about him may also be carrying tales from you to him as well…a lot of times these people who are into gossip will go both ways, so I would NOT let them know anything about how you really feel about him or anything except positive things about yourself. Hee hee “Oh, susy, I really do NOT want to talk about John, even thinking about that creep makes me sick, I really don’t care what he says about me, so let’s talk about something else.” If they refuse to “talk about something else” I’d just say “well, Susy, if all you have to talk about is John, I think I’ll go clean my toe nails or something else more interesting than talking about John. Bye bye!” LOL
Ox, Eden
Your posts are really enlightening insofar as motives for the smear campaign
I’ve made it VERY CLEAR that exPOS is NOT something that is discussed with me. EVEN IF YOU SEE HIM SOMEWHERE I DO NOT WISH TO HEAR ABOUT IT…I think that’s part of the reason I’m so isolated right now too. Trying to protect myself from a “sighting” lol!
IT’s just best for me emotionally right now.
Eden, I totally agree with Ox. And you have EVERY RIGHT to give peace to yourself, even if it means you have to tell others to take their drama elsewhere, or as Ox put it, I guess into kinder terms lol!
LL
Thank you, Ox and LL! All such important things to remember. Actually to keep in the FRONT of my mind at all times. I appreciate the input you have both offered! So much smartness here on these threads! So glad I took the time to “check in” and ask.
Gotta run to my therapist, now! Love Wednesdays for this reason (even though I wind up crying my eyes out). So interesting, everytime I go to my therapist (once a week) I think the crying part is over, but with the first thoughts or words out of my mouth, the tears just seem to flow. When it happens, I am now realizing that they are the result of the compassion I am having for myself. I am allowing myself to FEEL for myself. I was so focused on not letting it affect me, in previous weeks, that I skipped over this part, and I do know that it is a very important part of the process.
Hope to see you here, later,
Love,
Eden
Eden,
It IS a very important part of the process. My session was suppose to happen today and I got there and my therapist was out SICK and for the rest of the week!! UGH!!! SO disappointed!!!
I cried the last two sessions. It IS healing. Yep, compassion you’re having for yourself that your spath DID NOT.
Good for you!
Have a great session!
LL
Oh, Crap, I missed my therapy appointment.
Thanks for reminding me Eden! too late…:(
Oh well, it’s not like he was really very helpful. He knows nothing about personality disorders and in fact, when I talk to him sometimes I think he is a spath.
I know that sounds paranoid, but he doesn’t say anything except “canned phrases”. He says,”how did you feel about that?” “how did that make you feel?” WTF?
It’s a low cost counselor through the catholic services, so I guess I didn’t expect much. But to tell you the truth, I’ve gotten better counseling from complete strangers that I meet on the street, LITERALLY. Even when I go pick up a craigslist item I will start to evangelize on the evils of spaths. Often, that’s all that’s required and I get great feedback and insights. But this guy, he’s very young, and well, he seems phony.
So maybe forgetting the appointment was a good thing.