I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Sky,
My therapist and I DISAGREE about personality disorders, but he KNOWS what they are and is WILLING to debate me about it lol!!!
He knows it’s a distraction for me at the moment, although I’m slowly letting go of that too.
I think if you have a therapist who doesn’t get personality disorders (something I just can’t fathom as to WHY), it’s probably wise to seek therapy elsewhere! At least you gave it shot though!
LL
Sky, You are hysterical. FYI, My therapist is very young as well. However very knowledgeable. Have you tried any others. Do you have a university near you that has a school of psychology and or psychiatry? My therapist is at UCLA, and is fantastic. He total gets it and works with people who have been victimized/violated. He is a resident who is already licensed and getting his PhD at the moment. I swear he is in either late 20’s or early 30’s. This concerned me at first, however, I have never been matched up to such a perfect therapist in my life. He is wonderful. Did I mention Sliding Scale? The fee is determined by what your income is as well as your monthly expences. I highly recommend this.
LL, Thank you, and I am sorry your therapist was out sick today. At least you can come here though, right? Thank you for all of your possitive encouragement LL.
Well, my friends just arrived to pick me up for dinner, so gotta fly. See you later or tomorrow.
Love,
E
Eden,
My therapist is A LOT younger than I. He has to be in his early to mid thirties. With his background, and all the work he has done, both with personality disordered men and those without in abuser programs, as well as working with victim of trauma…he also has “mentors” that he looks up to and works with to set up programs for women who have been abused.
He has his PhD already.
He is amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing! I feel BLESSED.
I’m glad you found a good therapist too. It helps SO MUCH. I feel lost now….TWO WEEKS without therapy is just too long!!
Have a good time, Eden!
LL
Well LL and Eden,
I might just go down to your area to see your therapists, because mine is a little kid. Really. How ddi you all get this kind of quality on a budget?
Hi Skylar and LL…
Sky,
To answer your question, If you go to a teaching college for doctors, When they are doing their residncy, they must put in a certain amount of hours to complete their studies, if I am terming that correctly (Ox?). You are somewhat helping them, as they are helping you. I believe this is how they are able to accept very minimal fees. Herei is another idea for you. My friend has been dealing with the same issues that we are. She is very successful in business and makes enough money to see any therapist she wishes, however she has been utilizing the one-on-one therapy offered at our local battered women’s shelter. She does NOT go there to get a deal. She goes because her therapist is one of the most highly skilled doctors who deal solely with domestic violence, and works with a large number of victims of Psycopathy. I had already started to work with my therapist when I heard about hers, or I would have given this woman a try, myself. She is $20. per session, whether you are wealthy or not. Go to your local womens shelter and look into it. My friend said that there are women of all walks of life that go to their clinic. Some pull up in Rolls Royce’s and some come in right off the street and then there are those in between. I hope this helps.
LL,
Thank you once again, for your sweet words! Why did you have to miss two weeks of therapy in a row? I don’t know if I personally could manage that in this stage of the game. Especially since he has become such an important part of the work that I am doing to heal. I hope that it doesn’t happen again for you, LL. 2 weeks is too long to wait!
Peace out…
Eden
Sky,
I have been to a very many therapists over the years and have found very very few who could relate to me and whom I trusted. There was no rhyme or reason; one was a student at the Gestalt Institute. I loved her but she eventually moved on after her internship. Most of the other ones were generally not really tuned in or half as intelligent as me to be able to even see my defenses or feel the depth of my pain. I have found at this point I’m better off on my own, blogging here, talking to a few trusted friends, and getting occasional energy work sessions when I feel stuck. I know many people have had their lives saved by a good therapist. I’m envious. It never happened for me, and at this point I wouldn’t want to spend the money on it anway. I have better things to do with my money, like travel. I guess that’s a good sign for me that I’d rather be out doing things than sitting in a therapist’s office.
This will say what happened to me better than anything else could. Knowing this person for so many years was no help in knowing what he was up to. He fooled every single person in my life. Educated, worldy people. He’s the ‘best’ con I have ever laid eyes on, and sad to say it appears there far too many of these people chewing away at men’s and women’s bank accounts, love, and self-esteem.
This is where you can read about this person http://florida.arrests.org/Arrests/Marcanthony_Roman_4575618/
Lovelessness and lack of empathy
I found this on the internet and it was my spath to a ‘T’
While the psychopath has likes and dislikes and fondness for the pleasures that human company can bring, analysis shows that he is completely egocentric, valuing others only for their enhancement of his own pleasure or status.
While he gives no real love, he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others. He is generally superficially charming and often makes a striking impression as possessed of the noblest of human qualities.
He makes friends easily, and is very manipulative, using his ability with words to talk his way out of trouble.
Many psychopaths love to be admired and bask in the adulation of others. With the lack of love, there is also a lack of empathy.
The psychopath is unable to feel sorry for others in unfortunate situations or put himself in another’s place, whether or not they have been harmed by him.
Disordered interpersonal relationships
While psychopaths are notably sexually promiscuous, their inability to love or to show any but the most superficial kindness to others prevents them from forming meaningful relationships with others, including parents and spouses.
The promiscuity seems more related to their lack of restraint than to an exaggerated sexual drive. Bizarre and indecent liaisons are common.
Dominance and power are recurring themes in the social relations of psychopaths. They enjoy being in a position of power over others, especially women.
The psychopath often plays jokes and tricks on others to humiliate them or to assert dominance. Psychopaths are often found in positions of imposture.
They are attracted to certain vocations having great opportunity for exerting power such as politics, the law, or medicine.
Fearlessness
The psychopath is remarkably free of both the psychological and physiological manifestations of anxiety[8]. They often pass lie detector tests (as did Mark Hofmann).
Another aspect of the fearlessness, is the obliviousness of the psychopath to punishment. Not only does the threat of future punishment have no power to deter him, but actual punishment does not reform him. Most psychiatrists consider psychopaths untreatable.
Irresponsibility, Insincerity, and Unreliability
While the psychopath is charming and makes friends easily, those who come to rely upon him soon painfully find out that he has no sense of responsibility.
Continually promises are made and broken without regard for the gravity of the consequences, for which the psychopath will then deny responsibility.
He can solemnly lie while looking the victim in the eye, showing no anxiety whatever.
Impulsiveness
The inability to restrain his impulses is what often leads to the downfall of the psychopath.
While he theoretically knows what is considered proper behavior, and can even provide sage advice, it is in carrying out the actual process of living that the psychopath runs into trouble.
There is a tendency toward continual excitement and stimulation. This impulsiveness may lead to a scandal or to the commission of a theft, rape, or other crime.
It is this obliviousness to the consequences of risk taking that often leads to the uncovering of a “successful” psychopath who was previously well esconced as a doctor, lawyer, teacher, politician, or some other respected person in the community.
Eden,
I saw my therapist last week. Since he’s sick this week, I go next week, making it two weeks! UGH!
I have a tendency to agree that finding a good therapist is very difficult. I just “happened” upon mine through great fortune for me and others who have been involved with personality disordered people and suffer from a history of trauma. I think that is THE key in getting good therapy.
Star, sitting in a therapist office is hardly a waste of time, particularly if you find a damned good one. It can be incredibly validating early on in the process. I realize that there are some who can find healing on their own or with the assistance of a therapist along the way if they get stuck. If you found this to be the case for you then YAY! 🙂
LL
Sky,
If you saw my therapist you would think he is a little kid lol! Very short, almost high squeaky voice……looks SUPER young. IS actually lol! He got his doctorate within six years. WIth all the experience he’s had, it’s pretty obvious that he’s devoted most, if not all of the last ten years, in college, residency as well as projects outside of that to better his therapeutic skills and understanding of trauma victims and abusers. I met mine because he was providing therapy for my son to prepare for clarification process with his brother. He was with a family services organization that is lower income. I remembered him, as he offered services to me if I was ever interested.
LL