I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
I have a question for anyone who might know the answer, as well as for anyone who might want to ponder.
How is it that sociopaths are ever diagnosed as sociopaths?
I understand that Cleckley’s study was done on prison populations….did he use a test to decide where someone fell on the spectrum? If so, how can he assume they told the truth when they answered the questions?
Out here, in the real world, Spath’s don’t acknowledge that there is anything wrong with them, so, I assume, they really end up in a clinical setting. If they do they charm and connive. Are they given a test, or is it left up to the clinicians observations and instinct to diagnose them?
What self-respecting sociopath would ever allow himself to be diagnosed? Who are the one’s who are?
Any thoughts?
really should have read rarely. Sorry.
Kim. I have not yet met a spath with a certificate to say he’s NOT one and there again I have never met a spath with a certificate to say he IS one!!!
I’ve met people that say ‘I’m Bi Polar’ or ‘I’m epileptic’ but never met a ‘diagnosed’ spath.
candy,
I read your post above (the traits of a psychopath). Earlier this week, I found a website called http://www.justnotsaid.blogspot.com where the author, John Craig, writes about different subjects, having articles about famous people (and not so famous people), labeling them sociopaths (eg. Bill Clinton, Marion Jones, etc.), his articles telling WHY he thinks they’re sociopaths, naming the traits that the individual displays. I was looking at articles about Bill Clinton and somehow found John Craig’s blog, finding his articles interesting. I wrote down different things that he said in his articles, some quotes from his articles being – “sociopaths notoriously lack empathy and common sense.”; “But sociopaths are always, at root, dishonest creatures.”; and lastly, “They don’t worry about not living up to other people’s expectations, or about letting others down. They know they’re supposed to, but they don’t.” This man knew a woman when he was 25 (he mentioned this fact in one of his articles) who is a sociopath, leading him to learn about the disorder. I was impressed by how he seems to be able to pick out the folks who demonstrate sociopathic traits, labeling them as such.
Bluejay, thanks. The more information we have the better prepared we are not to get spathed again.
kim Frederick;
There are several reasons, but first and foremost is that most sociopaths don’t realize there is anything wrong with them. Even if they seek treatment for a co-morbid condition like depression, it would take an astute therapist to recognize all but the most extreme sociopath, i.e. those prone to violence and criminal behavior in the classic model.
In addition, even if the individual is diagnosed as a sociopath or suspects they might be a sociopath, the label is so negative that I cannot imagine someone reveling that about themselves, especially given sociopaths are not known for their openness and honesty. Another example is the pedophile. There are many out there but have you ever met a self-confessed one?
Having said that, I do believe that some realize they are different, either through observation or even by an objective assessment. For example, I mentioned before here that on one dating site, my x-spath took the “Dating Persona Test” and his result was “Manchild:”
“Hopeful. Awkward. Soft-headed. Fire intrigues you. You are The Manchild.
Okay, Manchildren have some good qualities. They can be unpredictable, brash, magnetic and therefore highly charismatic. Particularly, you’re passionate and are often a hell of a lot of fun.
But we’d like you to consider not using our site. You can be unthinking and hurtful, and we think you LIKE seeing bad things happen. You’ve had a moderate number of relationships, but broken a disproportionate number of hearts. In total, you mean well, but don’t really have it together…”
Certainly sounds a lot like a sociopath, doesn’t it?
He admitted to me that it take time for him to “warm-up” to people. which in retrospect was an interesting comment as online he describes himself as “chill/calm.” Again, like of obvious emotions are a sociopathic trait, except when confronted by some situation that sets them off. Thus, on multiple occasions in a short-term relationship I saw Mr. “chill.calm” behave in an abrupt, impulsive and inappropriate fashion, albeit non-violent.
I cannot believe that he does not realize he is different from most. However, being gay, he could easily attribute his lack of meaningful relationships due to bad luck and perhaps shyness, not something profoundly wrong as sociopathy.
candy,
What you say is true. Peace.
what is so troubling to us about the sociopath/psychopath is that the image of ourselves that they reflect back to us is so different from who we actually are – in their minds we have done x or y or z, and we keep trying to sho them that this is not true.
but they must keep this imaginary image of us, otherwise they can not self-justify their own behavior.
puzzled.
OMG……I was CONSTANTLY doing just that with my spath. I often wondered, “who are you talking about? Because the person you’re accusing of this or that, isn’t even ME!”
“but they must keep this imaginary image of us, otherwise they cannot self-justify their own behavior”.
sometimes this site amazes me that in just one or two sentences in one or two post can make such a difference in validation or thinking about growth progress.
Thanks so much puzzled.
LL
quote from Littlewhitehorse
littlewhitehorse says:
Ox Drover
Your post to me was hard hitting and I agree with you totally. I too have an aversion and was very protective of my kids whilst growing up. I just feel so deeply horrified. Just sheer horror.
True-to-self
Can I ask you. What was it about my story that made you definately believe me. I am so glad you did. He too had a narcisstic sister who hated me and I also lost a lot of loved ones from his side.
Thanks
LWH
I am sorry. I am just getting back on line but realized you directed this post to me. I thought about it for a while. Your question is interesting. How do I know? Oxdrover answered that earlier in that your story rings true as most of us have been through things so strange that we are just now figuring out what some of it all means.
However, because most of the people in my life have lied to me I cannot really know that anyone is telling the truth except myself. That is why my user name.
You are believed because you are taking the time to explain what you have been through. Keep posting. We do understand and if we don’t we will still try to help.
About the Narcissistic sister, my sister in law would talk to me in the same voice using the same inflection that my husband did. Very strange. Keep posting.
TTS.