I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Thank you Donna for this article……
For me, I had a great need to unravel……put together ‘what’ I really lived (puzzle pieces).
What I lived was real……..the part ‘he’ shared with me was false.
So much goes along with this process.
Knowing that I commited to my husband, I commited to our business, and I commited to being a mother and having a family was very REAL to me.
None of it was to him…..it was another piece in his puzzle, to hide behind….US.
It was important and very helpful to me to write out each part of my life as I remembered it.
All the times that perplexed me….because his reactions or actions never made sense…..but I went along…with my own understanding and compassion of life.
I forgave, because nobody’s perfect. I overlooked, because nobody’s the same. I gave chances because I thought….he was who he was because of his childhood/upbringing.
I didn’t think like him……and I dismissed so much out of love and empathy and the world telling me not everybody was the same. I became willing to look at things from his ‘viewpoint’….e.ven though it never made sense. Then I started to doubt my own perceptions.
Putting the puzzle together for myself provided me with a picture of the life I was involved in.
Then I had to come to terms with it all.
For me that part was the easy part……because what I lived was authentic. It was him that was false.
I’ve carried on KNOWING ‘who’ I am. And I refuse to own his ‘stuff’. His lies, his deciet and his abuse. those were HIS choices.
I carry on with my eyes open…….but knowing WHO I AM, and solid in that.
I still doubt myself…..my ability to recognize trouble, good people etc…..but I err on the side of caution now. If I doubt you…..I don’t ‘let’ you in.
Because the facade occured over most of my lifetime…..I understand it will take a lot of years to be able to ‘throw caution to the wind’…..and take chances with people in regards to trust. If ever……
I am okay with that.
We move forward trying to prevent the dupes……i’m not sure this is entirely possible…..yet we still try.
I am okay with that…….
I know, I don’t have the emotional funding in my ‘account’ to spend on being duped……
So I remain vigilant.
Coming to terms is a process…..first understanding the reality of your life…..and your being solid with your intentions……then what it was that you participated in.
Then on to healing and acceptance.
Not ‘owning’ their con on us is important. (understanding ‘how’ they were successful is the important part).
I will not own his actions/behaviors or lies……I lived authentically. My life with HIM was the lie. I was not the lie, nor was my life.
I can move forward with the knowledge that right is right, wrong is wrong……..and I am still the same person with the same morals and character I’ve had all along……THOSE, NOBODY COULD STEAL FROM ME.
Erin Brock – thank you for this:’”because what I lived was authentic. It was him that was false.’ thank you very very much.
Since there were three main Spaths in my life, my two husbands and my BF, let me start by commenting on a particular instance with first husband. We lived in a small town in my state. His job took him to the capitol city in which he was commuting. He was constantly changing his mind on things. He filed for divorce once on me with very cheap paper. This was back in the 70’s and I believe it was done with that …..well nevermind, not important except that we had a fight and reconciled before the papers were served. He told me to ignore them. He left once and came back at the advice of a pastor marriage counselor, not our pastor.
This was bad advice. I should have not let him come back until he made a significant effort to change and I saw the results.
After all of this including me finding out that he was gay, he did a number on me to get me to sign the papers to sell our house so we could move to the capitol city. I do not regret that now as I was smart enough to keep my half of the sale in a separate bank account that I started….:).
Back in the 70’s the Ted Bundy trial was on TV. I would come home at night and watch the televised trial. This was my first experience that I know of warching an actual sociopath. However, the number that my husband pulled on me to get me to move to the big city with him could have won him an Oscar. We had the chance to live in some old base housing that were actual historical mansions. He was an officer in the USAF. We lived on Officer’s Circle. The place was so big it was the closest thing to a castle that I ever lived in. He had me convinced that he would buy me a baby grand piano. Instead he charged on our credit card a plane ticket to get his pesky gay lover out of town. Moved him to Texas. We lived in the house from September to January and then separated the Day after New Years. I filed for divorce in February. So much for the mansion. I never knew whether to hang the pictures or take them down. I did compare him with Ted Bundy, as far as his ability to charm and manipulate. As soon as we put the boxes on the floor at the new residence his personality changed back to ugly.
True-to-Self
P.S. A note about the homosexuality. It was well hidden because of him being in the military. I do not fault him for that. He could have been honest with me and told me he made a mistake…..But he was also an abuser and a liar. He would tip over furniture and throw things. Once he threw a large terrarium against our fireplace. I believe the worst thing he did though was to try to convince me that the break up of our marriage was my fault.
TTS,
ummm, are you sure he is gay? Did he ever “come out”?
Because most of the spaths are not gay or straight or bi, they are just sex addicts because they use sex for power. That’s why they will screw anything.
The charade the sociopath puts on is really convincing. I actually used the words “genuine” and “sincere” to describe him when I first met him. He even charmed my friends with his humble “boy next door” demeanor. When I found out he was a pathological liar, I was completely dumbfounded. The only thing that was strange about him in the beginning was the love bombing, which I’d never experienced. I thought it was so unusual that maybe it was a sign I’d found the right guy. Usually I pick guys who are aloof and don’t want to commit. I figured it would just take me a little while to catch up with his strong feelings for me. This was all 3 years ago now. In retrospect, it seems so surreal.
At my age I’ll admit, I’ve dated some selfish and immature guys. I’ve experience all kinds of game-playing from men. But this guy took it to a whole different level. When the truth started to unravel, about 2 months into the relationship, there was something very sinister about it. I knew whatever it was could not be cured or fixed. I ran as far as I could. Even though I still craved him and longed for him, thankfully, I never broke NC.
Skylar, what power do they want to get from sex?
I observed in mine that after 6 or 7 months of relationship for him was more important to be in control than having an orgasm. I noticed a change and i related it to some power needs. But what do they get from doing that besides making clear to the other side that they’re more abnormal than one was starting suspecting?
Eva, many of them CONTROL is what is is all about, that POWER that they can feel over others is even more valuable to them, more satisfying than sex. I think, just my theory, that even though sex is “satisfying” to them, because they can’t get the EMOTIONAL BONDING from sex in the brain (the chemicals we do) that it actually doesn’t mean as much or feel as good to them as it does to us. I think they actually know we get “something” out of sex that they don’t but they aren’t sure what it is but they want it. I think that may account for why they change partners so often, looking for that elusive “feeling.”
Skylar, LOL
Now I am totally confused. He was bi. He never actually came out publicly. I didn’t actually know about it until the last year of our marriage. He did disappearing acts. He would pick a fight with me on Friday, leave for the weekend and come home and make up so he could go to work.
I would call him occasionally as my autistic daughter did a lot of strange things back then like climb out her window, and as he was supposed to be at the library, it turned out that I had misunderstood him, he was actually at the gymn….no next time he went to the gymn it was actually the library. He went 30 miles to a neighboring town to frequent these library gymns because our town was like Maybery.
His mother went to her death not knowing he was gay. His older brother’s wife didn’t know. I told her once, and she said “Now that explains a lot.” My best friend was fooled. She would have never guessed his was gay. I believe he was at least bi (we did have a child) he could function sexually. He was 8 1/2 years older than me. I was 20 when I married him and a pastor’s daughter. I believe he married me as a front or trophy wife to take to the Officer’s Club functions.
When he moved out of town when my daughter was 12 years old he kept his obligation of child support as he had to because of the military. Once she turned 18 she did not receive and still doesn’t as much as a birthday card.
TTS
When I hear myself describe anyone now with the words…..charming, good, nice, true, honest…..etc…
I find myself stepping back and prefacing those adjectives with……He/She appears as…..
It helps me NOT fall into the description and buy into that.
Those were former words I held stock in…..and built trust around.
Charming is a huge red flag……for me…..spath is very charming. It’s his initial hook.
I don’t want charming! I want genuine, authentic, honest in my life now…..not the schmooze of charm.
People fall too heavily on charm.
Charming is temporary, its a shiney fake gold ring, that once you get it wet…….it rusts on your finger.
Eva, sociopaths do not feel empathy like other humans do. Their emotions are very shallow and often feigned (faked). Because they are so empty and hollow in their core, they are constantly bored. Sex and power are like games for them that keep their interest for a short time. The game of conquest. They are not concerned with others thinking they are abnormal, because their perception of themselves and others is skewed anyway. This is why you cannot ever reason with a sociopath. You cannot convince them of their illness or that they did anything wrong. They live in their own little world with their own rules that don’t apply to other living things.
If their spouse ever figured out they were abnormal, this would not shame them. It would suddenly become a game to them – to either win back the spouse’s affection with lying and gaslighting, to destroy the victim, OR to move on to another willing victim and discard the old one. It’s all part of the game they play that substitutes for real connection. This is the best they can do. Without having to expend their energy on real relationships, they have a lot of time and energy for their games.